“Just get over it.”
Because it’s supposed to be that easy?
“Just get past it.”
Because there’s an obvious path to that?
“Just let it go.”
Because we never thought of that?
You’re going to encounter lots of “helpful” advice when it comes to your trauma symptoms.
By the way, when I say “trauma symptoms,” I’m not just talking about intrusive memories and flashbacks and nightmares and triggers directly related to our trauma.
I’m talking about all the many, many (many) forms “fight,” “flight,” “freeze,” “fawn,” and “flop” manifest in our lives.
It can often be difficult to identify a pattern as a trauma response matching one or more of those “F” reflexes— but once you see it, you can’t un-see it.
Lashing out and struggling to let an issue drop can be a “fight” response.
Bolting a situation (a date, a conversation, a relationship) can be a “flight” response.
Laughing at a joke that isn’t funny or you didn’t get can be a “fawn” response.
Your mind going blank when it’s your turn to speak in a meeting (or at the fast food drive thru) can be a “freeze,” or even a “flop” response.
We often think of trauma responses as these dramatic, cinematic occurrences, but the reality is more of then are woven into our every day lives and interactions than we realize.
Maybe that’s why so many people feel so entitled to give us superficial “advice” about them.
We get told to let an issue go— but we can’t, because we’re not holding on to it for no reason, we’re deep in a “fight” response.
We get told to talk about our feelings before hitting the “eject” button— but we can’t, because we’re not bolting for no reason, we’re being propelled by a “flight” reflex.
We get told to just relax and speak— but we can’t because we’re “frozen” or “flopping.”
We get told to just be ourselves— but we can’t, because the “fawn” response won’t let us.
Our vulnerability to trauma responses can and does get less intrusive and intense as we work our recovery— specifically, as we improve our emotional regulation and build our self-esteem— but we need to understand that trauma responses are not choices.
Lets say it again, for those at the back: trauma responses are not choices.
The fact that trauma responses sometimes don’t look like obvious trauma responses can seem to muddy the waters a little bit around this subject, but in trauma recovery we often need to look closer at our behaviors and needs.
The superficial “just do (X)” advice handed to us by the muggles usually won’t work— and, more often than not, it’ll hit us as condescending or shaming.
We unwire and rewire trauma responses by acknowledging the wound they’re connected to, with compassion and patience and realism.
Don’t let someone get up in your head about how “easy” it should be to “just quit” trauma responding.
If we could eradicate trauma responses with one big, sweeping decision, to no longer “let” ourselves do that, we absolutely would. We would have by now, in fact.
We have to stay real and compassionate and present with our symptoms and wounds.
That’s the realistic way out.
Breathe. Blink. Focus.
