Our trauma conditioning is constantly, constantly going to try to drag us back to our old patterns.
If trauma recovery was as simple as just “do different stuff,” 100% of survivors would do different stuff, and never look back.
But we’re constantly working against deeply conditioned patterns.
Those patterns aren’t just mental— they’re physical.
Neurons that fire together, wire together; and the patterns of feeling and functioning that define CPTSD have been physically molded and reinforced inside our skin for years.
Remember that two of the key components of complex trauma are that it unfolds over time and is functionally inescapable— meaning CPTSD has plenty of time and opportunity to etch itself physically into our nervous system.
Consequently, when we try to change, we’re going to struggle.
That struggle has nothing to do with us being “weak.”
It has everything to do with the fact that we’re working against well-entrenched patterns.
We CAN change well entranced, physically rooted patterns of feeling and functioning— but it requires us to step back and take the long view of our recovery.
Which can be hard, when we feel like sh*t and we want to kill ourselves.
No shame, no judgment. That’s the reality many complex trauma survivors are up against.
We change deeply etched patterns bit by realistic, consistent bit.
We change them by getting crystal clear about our goals, and utterly real about what we need to do, day after day after day, to sustainably nudge toward them.
This is true whether our goals are shifting our patterns of self talk; shifting our patterns of mental focus; or shifting our patterns of breathing and physiology.
And we have to keep in mind that it’s not a matter of “if” we feel pulled back to our old patterns— that is absolutely GOING to happen.
We’re going to want to go back to talking to ourselves like we’re someone we hate.
We’re going to want to go back to focusing on how we suck, how things are supposedly “hopeless,” to the times we’ve tried to change and haven’t been able to.
We’re going to want to go back to breathing shallowly and physically crumpling into ourselves like a dying star.
We’re going to be pulled back to those patterns, not because we LIKE them. 100% of trauma survivors f*cking hate all of it.
But we’re going to be pulled back because our neural architecture takes time to change.
If we keep doing the recovery stuff, we WILL build new neural pathways.
The human nervous system is infinitely moldable. Changeable. We call it “neuroplasticity.”
Hell, the fact that our nervous system changes in response to experience is one of the reasons why we’re hurting in the first place.
Stay on target.
Keep with the .01% nudges in self talk, mental focus, and physiology, day, after day, after day.
Understand that pull toward your old patterns for what it is: evidence of your old, but changing, neural architecture. No more; no less.
This is how we realistically approach recovery. This is how we make it real and sustainable.
Breathe. Blink. Focus.
And do the next teeny, tiny recovery supporting thing.
