Religion doesn’t justify abuse or neglect.
Culture doesn’t justify abuse or neglect.
Someone’s personal history of abuse or neglect, does not justify abuse or neglect.
Miss me with those supposedly “nuanced” conversations about cultural or historical or other norms that somehow “contextualize” hurtful behavior.
Yes, it’s true that at times in our history, abuse or neglect were “normalized.”
It’s true that different subcultures have different understandings of what is “abusive” or “neglectful.”
And, I don’t much care about any of that.
I work with the people actually impacted by abusive and neglectful behavior.
As it turns out: the human nervous system doesn’t distinguish between abuse or neglect that is culturally “acceptable” as opposed to “taboo.”
The human nervous system is impacted by what it’s impacted by. Harmed by what it’s harmed by.
I understand the temptation to try to normalize or contextualize abuse or neglect. No one likes to think of people we maybe looked up to in our culture or our history or our family as abusive or neglectful.
I’m not even necessarily saying anyone “has” to consider those people “monsters.” You have every right to think whatever you think of those people. I couldn’t stop you if I tried.
I’m just saying that I, as someone deeply invested in trauma survivors’ recovery, am not going to be entertaining “both sides” narratives on this.
People are going to do what they have to do to minimize their own cognitive dissonance— in this case, squaring the abusive or neglectful behavior of someone with the fact that they happen to like or respect them.
I get it, cognitive dissonance is no fun.
You know what else is no fun? Being abused or neglected.
And you know what’s REALLY no fun? Being told your abuse or neglect wasnot a partic ularly big deal, because what happened was “normalized” within that family or culture or church or time period.
I’ve heard so many trauma survivors minimize their own experience because what they went through was “normal” for their family, culture, church, or time.
I’ve seen trauma survivors bend over backward to “forgive” their abusers, because what their abusers did to them was “normal” in that time, in that setting.
I’m not saying you have to be furious with your abusers.
The reality is, you get to feel whatever you happen to feel about them. And there are plenty of survivors who have lots and lots of mixed feelings about their abusers.
I also fully understand that norms of conduct for certain times and places and situations don’t do a lot of people any favors in terms of supporting ethical, non-harmful behavior.
And but also: religion doesn’t justify abuse or neglect.
Culture doesn’t justify abuse or neglect.
And someone’s personal history of abuse or neglect, doesn’t justify abuse or neglect.
Harm is harm.
And realistically acknowledging harm is a necessary step toward realistically healing that harm.
Breathe. Blink. Focus.
And see what you see and know what you know.
