CPTSD survivors can have a real hard time saying “no” to ourselves. And there are reasons for this.
Among the biggest triggers for survivors is often feeling trapped and/or controlled— because many of our experiences growing up were all about us being trapped and controlled.
It makes perfect sense that now, as adults, we’re highly sensitive to feeling trapped and controlled— and not just in overt ways.
Many of our triggers around feeling trapped and controlled are subtle.
If you haven’t noticed, CPTSD survivors’ nervous systems are overwhelmingly sensitive— so much so that many of our triggers may not seem to make sense, even to us.
But we pick up on things. We pick up on MICRO things.
Such as micro-feelings of being trapped or controlled.
When we have to rein in an impulse, say “no” to ourselves, our nervous system often processes that as tonally similar to when we were reprimanded or shamed by our bullies or abusers.
It doesn’t matter if the thing we’re saying “no” to is “bad” for us— what our inner child hears and responds to is the vibe that we’re “wrong” or “bad” for wanting or trying to do that thing.
Making healthy dietary choices gets linked to “good people don’t eat junk food.”
Avoiding intoxicating substances gets linked to “good people don’t do drugs.”
Managing our time gets linked to “responsible people don’t procrastinate.”
All of which toggle those “trapped” and “controlled” triggers in our amygdala and hippocampus— along with the third big trigger of most CPTSD survivors, feeling “in trouble.”
So, while saying “no” to ourselves, reeling in certain impulses, is super necessary to our health and safety in the real world, CPTSD survivors (and definitely survivors who have DID) are tasked with managing a cadre of rebellious internal “parts” that are hell bent on never feeling trapped, controlled, or in trouble, ever again.
Here’s the thing: the backbone of realistic trauma recovery really is the relationship we nurture with ourselves.
It’s that relationship that complex trauma shreds, and it’s the relationship with ourselves that we need to repair.
That means we need to handle things like saying “no” to ourselves with sensitivity, compassion and realism— especially when we get kick back from our “parts,” who bristle at restrictions or limits of any kind.
First thing’s first: no shame.
So saying “no” to ourselves and managing impulses is fraught. We need to understand that for the complex trauma symptom it is— not as a mark of immaturity or lack of “character.”
We need to understand that wrangling our own behavior is always going to be more complex than just telling ourselves, “don’t do that.”
Meeting our own resistance with compassion, patience, and realism needs to become our default setting— which is hard, when we’ve been conditioned to shame and blame and punish ourselves for being “difficult.”
Our job in CPTSD recovery, over and over again, is to push back against the internalized voices and patterns of our bullies and abusers— especially in those moments when shame and punishment feel like “natural” go-to’s to modify our behavior.
It’s absolutely true that managing our impulses, saying “no” to ourselves, is necessary to live a safe, healthy life. Self-discipline is a super necessary tool to achieving our goals.
But it’s also true that if we try to “discipline” ourselves like a drill sergeant, we’re going to end up reinforcing old patterns of abuse and neglect— and damaging the relationship we are here to repair.
I know. I wish managing our own behavior in CPTSD recovery was more straightforward and intuitive, too.
But our trauma-conditioned autopilot is what got us here. It’s not what will dig us out.
Breathe. Blink. Focus.
