Self-talk and our most important relationship.

A core principle in trauma recovery is that our relationship with ourselves is the one that needs to be developed and protected more than any other. 

It’s one of the reasons why the Internal Family Systems approach and others like it are so useful in trauma work. 

The relationship with ourselves is what complex trauma f*cks up— and the relationship with ourselves is the one that we have to reformat and strengthen. 

It’s why I focus on self-talk as the first of the the three main trauma recovery tools I emphasize. 

(I know, you’re sick of me repeating self-talk, mental focus, and physiology over and over again— but EVERY effective trauma recovery tool comes back to a combination of those basics.)

Self-talk is not just the noise that happens to occur in our heads. 

It’s how we communicate to ourselves and our “parts” what things mean and what’s going on. 

It’s what CPTSD hijacks, alongside our mental focus and physiology. 

We need the inside of our head and heart to be safe for us. 

We need to know that when we turn toward ourselves to understand and process what things mean and what’s going on, that we won’t blithely repeat our abusers’ and bullies’ talking points. 

We need to know that, if we turn toward ourselves when we’re triggered, we will respond in the voice of a gentle, wise, realistic mentor— not a saboteur. 

Someone who loves us, not someone who hates us. 

I understand that some people think “self talk” sounds like weak sauce in the face of the symptoms and stressors we experience in CPTSD. 

I don’t think self talk solves all our problems. 

I do think it’s a necessary tool to use and the gateway to deeper self-communication and self-support that is the backbone of realistic trauma recovery. 

We manage our relationships through communication, and largely through words— including our relationship with ourselves. 

That relationship we carry with ourselves 24/7/365, that relationship that has been to hell and back thanks to the programming and conditioning of our abusers and bullies. 

What we say when we talk to ourselves really, really matters. 

How we feel when we engage with ourselves really, really matters. 

Safety starts inside. 

We could be in a totally “safe” situation physically, but if we’re not safe inside our own head and heart, if we’re afraid of or expecting an attack from ourselves, our old programming, Trauma Brain— then we’re not truly safe. 

Have your own back. 

Be on your own side. 

Come hell or high water, no matter how our old conditioning is pressuring us to go back to what’s familiar, what we know, the cognitive and emotional and behavioral patterns we’re “good” at. 

If nothing changes, nothing changes. 

Breathe. Blink. Focus. 

And check in with yourself— all of you.