If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Our nervous system doesn’t do ultimatums. 

Trying to command it to do or not do something is a setup to feel frustrated and overwhelmed. 

Trying to shame it into doing or not doing something is a setup to feel like garbage. 

Our bullies and abusers very frequently tried to control our behavior via shame— so it’s real important we not fall into that trap when we’re trying to shift how we feel and behave in recovery. 

As a rule, if our bullies and abusers did it to us, it’s real important we do the opposite as we work our trauma recovery. 

What hurt us will not be what heals us. 

Many of us have been taught that pressure is an effective way to change behavior. 

The reality is, the more we pressure ourselves, the more tense we’ll feel. 

The more inadequate we’ll feel. 

The more like saying “f*ck it” we’ll feel. 

I feel strongly about keeping us as far away from the “f*ck it’s” as possible— so pressure as a behavior shaping strategy is out. 

Besides, ultimatums only work if we’re willing to walk away from a situation if the ultimatum isn’t respected— and what are we going to do, “walk away” from our nervous system? 

No, we’re not. We can’t. Even the “magic” of dissociation only gives the illusion of walking away, not the reality. 

We live in and with our nervous system. 

The quality of our recovery is going to be the quality of our relationship with said nervous system— and our “parts,” and our inner child, an our endocrine system. 

The quality of our trauma recovery is really the quality of our relationship with ourselves— and many of us have been conditioned to either abuse that relationship or take it for granted. 

It’s not our fault. Whether we developed CPTSD through childhood experiences or experiences in adulthood, we’ve likely never been taught how to relate to ourselves in realistic, respecrful, communicative ways. 

I don’t think anybody reading this wants to relate to themselves like a bully or an abuser. I just think that’s what we’re taught, what we saw modeled. 

And it’s what we need to change. 

It’s what CPTSD recovery is all about changing, actually. 

One of the biggest differences between PTSD and CPTSD is that PTSD symptoms tend to focus on what happened, whereas CPTSD patterns tend to focus on what we’ve come to believe, think, and feel about ourselves and other people as a result of what happened. 

That means realistic CPTSD recovery, by definition, has to get past the level of our reactions, to the level of our beliefs. 

We only do that by relating to ourselves in consistently safe, patient, self-compassionate, and realistic ways. 

Don’t try to pull out ultimatums on your nervous system. 

When you notice yourself trying to pull out ultimatums on your nervous system, press pause. Breathe. Blink. 

And focus in on communicating and collaborating with your nervous system, instead of trying to command it. 

Easy does it. This is a new skill and you’re becoming a new person. Give it time.