Getting real about our black and white thinking.

Trauma survivors can be super vulnerable to black and white thinking. Ask me how I know. 

We can really struggle with seeing shades of grey— especially in what we feel or what we do. 

If we f*ck up, Trauma Brain is often right there telling us we “always” f*ck “everything” up— and maybe we don’t deserve to live because of it. 

Does that sound dramatic? Well, welcome to Trauma Brain. Where minor f*ck ups are often a slippery slope to “I don’t deserve to take up space and oxygen from actual worthwhile humans.” 

Why are we survivors so vulnerable to black and white, all or nothing thinking? 

It’s often because our patterns of thinking are structured around safety. 

In survival situations— like many of us grew up in— we didn’t have the time or luxury of thinking in shades of grey. 

We had to recognize and respond to threats immediately and empathically— and if something was maybe-or-maybe-not a threat, we had to err on the side of assuming it was dangerous. 

Once that black and white, err-on-the-side-of-assuming-the-situation-is-f*cked thinking becomes our default way of dealing with stressful situations, it’s hard to keep it from taking over our entire operating system— especially if our entire life has consisted of stressful situations. 

One of the reasons why CPTSD is so insidious is, it takes the adrenaline and collapsed focus that could help a human survive a short-lived traumatic stressor, and makes it our entire world. 

Since complex trauma often doesn’t have a clear cut “beginning” or “end”— it was just our life and our relationships, day after day, year after year— our nervous and endocrine systems had no way of knowing it was ever safe to switch off that state of sympathetic activation. 

All of which is to say, when your entire life is a traumatic stress situation, it’s hard to turn off those patterns of trauma responding— including black and white thinking. 

And then, inevitably, that black and white thinking gets turned on ourselves. 

We make one bad decision, and we have an enormously difficult time telling ourselves how we did that thing is how we necessarily do EVERYTHING; and if we’re just the “type” of person who makes sh*tty decisions, according to Trauma Brain, why do we even “deserve” any more chances? 

To people who don’t struggle with CPTSD, all of this might sound insane. 

But black and white thinking will kick our ass up and down the block, especially as we work to develop new patterns of thinking and responding (not “reacting”) in our trauma recovery. 

A place to start is by validating the “part” of us that is really into black and white thinking. 

Telling that “part” of ourselves that the job it did was really important in keeping us alive, and we’re grateful it exists. 

We’re not going to shame or pressure our way out of black and white thinking— those are the kind of self-punitive patterns that got us into this mess to begin with. 

Just start noticing when you’re diving deep into that rigid, all or nothing style of thinking, especially in your self talk. 

Then start taking a step back and asking some Recovery Supporting Questions (RSQ’s) about whether that rigid, emphatic thing you just told yourself might be “spiked” by Trauma Brain— and what a more realistic, self-compassionate version of that that statement might be. 

Yes, this is tedious work. It’s a pain in the ass. We’re trying to uproot and recondition patterns that had years to nestle deep into our nervous and endocrine systems. 

Don’t let anyone tell you confronting and shifting your black and white thinking is supposed to be easy. 

But also don’t let anyone tell you shifting your patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving is impossible, either. 

You are not the one human who has an unchangeable nervous system— even at your age. 

Start out with validation and noticing. 

This is how we realistically change how we experience the world and ourselves. 

Breathe; blink; focus.