Use Your Damn Skills

There is a temptation to think that, when we are in pain, distress, or discomfort, we somehow lose our ability to choose our responses to outside events. 

For example: when asked why they crashed their diet, a subset of people might respond, “I was hungry.” Or they might respond, “I had a craving.” Or they might respond, “I was under stress.” 

Those might all be true statements— but they only speak to what INFLUENCED the choice that person made to crash their diet. 

That person did not LOSE the ability to make a different choice based on those factors. 

It just became more DIFFICULT to make the choice to stay on their diet. 

“Difficult” is not “impossible.” 

But for some reason, we often get it in our heads that it is. 

We get it in our heads that if our comfort is compromised— if we’re having a hard day, if we’re stressed, if we’re tired, if we’re anxious— that we simply cannot make good decisions.

Our job is to make the very best decision— that is, the decision that is most aligned with our goals and values— that we possibly can in the moment. 

Where did we get the idea that discomfort, stress, and pain make it “impossible” to make good decisions? 

Let me be clear: I’m not, in any way, saying that making good decisions is always easy. 

I’m saying that making a comparatively good decision is always POSSIBLE. 

And if our goal is the achievement of our goals and the fulfillment of our values, making the best decisions among the available alternatives is vital. 

Mind you: we can have sympathy for the fact that sometimes it’s hard to make good decisions. 

We can acknowledge the fact that it’s a serious BUMMER, that making good decisions isn’t always the most comfortable or convenient thing. 

I wish making good decisions was easier. I wish there weren’t factors that made it so easy to make lousy decisions sometimes and so easy to make poor decisions. 

But the fact that it’s not easy doesn’t let us off the hook. 

The truth is, I think some people try to convince others that it’s IMPOSSIBLE to make hard decisions is an attempt to let THEMSELVES off the hook when THEY have difficulty making poor decisions. 

We don’t have to like the fact that making good decisions isn’t always easy, or that it’s our responsibility to make the best decision we can even when we don’t feel like it. 

But we do have to accept it. 

If we don’t accept our responsibility to make good decisions, you’d better believe that no one else is going to come along and make good decisions on your behalf…no matter what some people seem to fantasize. 

And that really, is what we’re talking about: if you care about your goals, if you care about your values, if you care about your values…it’s on you to consistently make decisions that support them. 

Why? Because no one else will. 

No one else can— or should— care about your goals and values as much as you. 

Consequently, no one else can— or should— take as much responsibility as you do for their achievement and fulfillment. 

By pretending we simply cannot make good decisions when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable, we surrender our ability to actually make our goals happen. 

We basically give up on those things that should be our top priorities…all because we value our comfort too much. 

It’s not worth it. 

Respect your goals and values— your dreams— more than than that. 

Do the hard thing. Make the better choice. 

Even if it’s not easy. 

You probably have more self discipline than you think you do. 

I know, I know. You’ve spent all this time convincing yourself that you have no discipline, and that you can’t say “no” to yourself. 

You’ve had repeated experiences of deciding to do a thing…then caving in and doing that thing. 

You’ve tried to diet…but not been able to stick to the diet (and probably proclaimed in exasperation, “DIETS DON”T WORK!” in the aftermath). 

Especially in this culture, we spend an awful lot of time and energy convincing ourselves that we simply cannot do things. We can’t quit addictions, we can’t stop procrastinating, we can’t make ourselves exercise, we can’t push through difficult experiences. 

But…what if we can? 

What if the idea that we are powerless over our whims…is actually a trick the culture has played on us to make us feel helpless? 

Because I can tell you, I’ve worked with a lot of people who have been thoroughly convinced that they are fundamentally weak…and many of them are the furthest thing from “weak.” 

I’ve seen some of the strongest-willed people I’ve ever met effortfully try to convince themselves and me that they are simply helpless in the face of strong feelings, memories, or urges. 

I just don’t buy it. That they— or any of us— are helpless, that is. 

Humans have a really difficult relationship with the idea of pain. We very often don’t know what to do with it or about it. 

We know we don’t like it and we try to get away from it, but beyond that, pain is something that tends to confuse and frighten us. Sometimes we get all existential and ask questions about what the metaphysical meaning or purpose of pain is, but in general, our relationship with pain is basically summed up in the observation that pain is that thing we do our best to avoid. 

Which is a bummer, really. Because in our zeal to avoid pain, we often have to convince ourselves of things that are simply not true— such as that we are “helpless” over our addictions, behavior, emotions, or urges. 

Don’t get me wrong: I dislike pain as much as anyone. I became a psychologist explicitly because I want as many people as possible to develop the skills and acquire the tools they need to have LESS pain in their lives. 

As M. Scott Peck once said of himself, I’m not a pain freak. I’m a joy freak. 

Convincing ourselves we are helpless, that we do not have sufficient self disciple to live our values or achieve or goals, is often not a reflection of reality. It reflects our desire to avoid pain. 

The pain of trying and failing. The pain of growing. The pain of feeling awkward as we try out new skills and tools. The pain of having to deprive ourselves. The pain of uncertainty. 

Let me ask you this: if you really DID have the self discipline that you’re thoroughly convinced you don’t have…what would be the worst part of that? 

What would you have to do that you’re currently afraid to do? 

What is the pain you’re trying to avoid by convincing yourself you are helpless? 

Understand, most people don’t do this consciously or on purpose. Nobody wakes up in the morning and says, “Hmm, I think I’m going to lie to myself today about how much self discipline I actually have.’ 

Most of us have actually be conditioned, day after day after day, to repeat to ourselves these unempowering messages and believe these unempowering ideas. Marketers LOVE to convince us we ARE helpless…because that’s their opportunity to sell us stuff to help us feel better. 

All I want to do with this blog post is to plant a seed in your mind: maybe you’re not helpless. 

Maybe you have more self discipline than you think. 

Maybe you can do things that are hard. 

Maybe that feeling of helplessness is about fear…not reality. 

What if? 

What would you do with your life if you weren’t afraid? 

What if you can stop smoking? Stick to a diet? Stay clean? Follow through? 

What if it’s not even as hard as you’ve been brainwashed to think it is? 

Just let that idea sink into your mind for a bit. 

What if? 

Many of us SAY we want stability and progress. 

We SAY we want to move toward our goals and values, and to avoid the chaotic ups and downs that make our lives difficult and miserable. 

…and then we go and behave in ways that can’t help but sabotage our progress and stability. 

Why do we do this? 

It’s not, usually, because we’re stupid. There are very, very smart people who are very, very good at torpedoing their stability and progress. 

It’s not, usually, because we’re unmotivated. If personal development or habit change is even on our radar in the first place, we’re usually motivated enough, especially when compared to the population at large. 

So what’s going on, then? 

Believe it or not, many peoples’ difficulty embracing stability and progress has to do with the fact that, well, progress and stability can be pretty boring. 

If we’re making progress toward goals, that’s usually because we’ve constructed a well-thought out plan that includes intermediate goals and daily habits and rituals that will get us closer to those goals. 

If we’re emotionally and behaviorally stable, it’s usually because we’ve identified those triggers that send us off the deep end, and we’ve discovered or adapted tools and skills to manage those triggers. 

Stability and progress are hard work. And if we’re doing them right, they are, objectively, kind of boring. 

They involve a lot of repetition. 

They involve a lot of pre-planning. 

They involve a lot of work when there’s no immediate payoff. 

Sometimes they explicitly require us to step away from situations that are, or might, be, gratifying in the short term. 

It’s all a bit of a drag…at least, from a certain point of view. 

Our brains do tend to crave novelty and excitement. Look at the movies and media we, as a culture, enjoy— we like mystery, we like plot twists, we like drama. 

Progress and stability are the exact opposites of mystery, plot twists, and drama. 

So sometimes, despite our best intentions and efforts, our brains kind of go behind our backs to create mystery, plot twists, and drama…at the expense of our progress and stability. 

Understand, there are neuropsychological reasons for this. It has nothing to do with intelligence, it has nothing to do with integrity, it has nothing to do with morality. Some of the best, smartest people unwittingly create drama for themselves and sabotage their progress and stability, because their brains are simply bored. 

That’s the bad news. 

The good news is: once we’re aware that our brains’ appetite for stimulation really is a risk factor that will torpedo our stability and progress if we let it, then we can actually do something about it. 

We can short-circuit our brains’ propensity to go behind our back and make our life difficult. 

We have to make sure that, even in the midst of working toward our goals and managing our emotional and behavioral stability, we’ve included enough novelty and stimulation in our lives that our brains won’t feel the need to create it on their own. 

This is where interests and hobbies come in. 

Sometimes patients think it’s lame when I, as the therapist, encourage them to really explore and get involved in things they like. 

The truth is, I’m not telling them to get hobbies and interests simply because that’s what therapists are supposed to encourage. 

I’m telling them that so their brain doesn’t get bored and restless, and sabotage all the good work we’re doing. 

There’s more to the equation than hobbies and interests, certainly. In order to keep our brains from getting bored, restless, and lonely, we also have to pay attention to our time management, energy reserves, diet, relationships, and other factors. 

Like most things in the arena of personal development, this problem requires a multi-modal approach. 

But the first step is to acknowledge the problem— acknowledge the potential for a serious problem in constructing and reinforcing your stability and progress— and then begin, step by step, to construct a strategy to handle it. 

So many of us flip out when we bump up against our limits. 

We’ve been taught that having limits is bad. 

We’re not supposed to think in terms of “I can’t do this.” 

We’re supposed to embrace our UNLIMITED POTENTIAL, right?!? 

That’s what all the self-help gurus say, anyway. 

I can assure you: you have limits. There are absolutely things you cannot do. 

I can also assure you that this fact probably matters a lot less than you’ve been taught to think it does. 

Who are we kidding, when we go around pretending we don’t have limits? This is the real world; of course we have limits. 

We only have so much time. We only have so much money at any given time. We only have a finite amount of focus. We have a finite amount of physical strength and energy. 

You have limits. It’s not a big deal. 

And THAT— THAT is where the problem usually is. 

The problem is not that we have limits. We are human. This is reality. We live in a world that is defined by limits and boundaries. 

Without limits and boundaries we’d just be, I don’t know, all free flowing energy constantly morphing in and out of form. But a quick glance around you will confirm that no, we actually live in a world of physical and metaphysical limits. 

The problem is, we’ve been convinced that our limits are way more important than they are. 

The problem is, we’ve been convinced that because we have certain limits, we cannot do certain things that we absolutely can do. 

The problem is, we’ve been taught that limits are such a big deal that we have to deny and disown them— and when we get into the habit of denying and disowning anything, THEN we’re giving that thing way more power than it should probably have. 

At any given time, you are limited by your comparative level of skill at a task. 

At any given time, you are limited by your abundance— or lack— of applicable tools in the moment. 

At any given time, you are limited by your paucity of experience in a situation. 

What you’ve probably been led to believe— and maybe even convinced yourself— is that because you have those limits, you cannot succeed in this situation. 

You may believe that because you do not have a perfect skillset or toolbox to handle a particular stressor or symptom, you are at the mercy of those stressors and symptoms. 

You may believe that because you cannot do a thing easily on your first try, that thing is not for you. That you’ll never get it right…let alone learn to actually ENJOY the thing. 

None of that is true. 

The fact is, our limits— especially when it comes to skill building and adding to our psychoemotional toolboxes— usually turn out to be quite impermanent. 

We are built to learn. 

We are built to expand. 

On a more prosaic level, we are built to start out being lousy and awkward at stuff— then, through patience and practice, slowly get better at stuff, before mastering stuff. 

Our limits can change. 

The thing is: if we do not acknowledge our limits— if we flip out at the very idea of having limits— we’re going to have a hard time expanding them. 

You have to realistically acknowledge your limitations if you want to change them. 

Don’t get wigged out by the concept of being limited. 

Don’t buy into the hype of self-help gurus who want to convince you that you’re existentially, metaphysically unlimited. 

Relax, focus, and get cozy with your limits. Get to know them. 

Then create a realistic plan to wipe ‘em out. 

There are times, when we’re struggling, that we wind up doing things we’re not proud of. 

These are usually impulsive things, things that may not necessarily be destructive, but things that don’t represent our best selves. 

When we feel bad and we’re trying to feel better, there is often a temptation to do and say things that we think will help us feel better in the moment— but which we haven’t really thought through, and which we end up almost immediately regretting. 

At this point we get walloped by what Dr. Albert Ellis called a psychological “secondary disturbance:” not only we we feeling lousy in the first place, but now we’re feeling lousy ON TOP of feeling lousy, because of the half-baked way we tried to handle feeling lousy. 

That is to say: we feel embarrassed. 

And before we know it, we feel almost as bad about the embarrassment as we do about whatever we were feeling bad about in the first place. 

How do we handle it when we feel embarrassed— especially when that embarrassment stems from things we did and said when we were feeling lousy? 

This may sound to some people like a trivial question, but for many people handling embarrassment over their impulsive behavior becomes a tremendously practical problem. 

Embarrassment— particularly embarrassment pertaining to impulsive coping choices— can really set us back if we don’t have a strategy for coping with it and putting it behind us. 

Nothing derails someone’s ability and willingness to use their tools and skills like embarrassment. 

Embarrassment is one of those universal human experiences. Literally everyone has experienced embarrassment sometime in their lives.

If you have even a modicum of self-awareness, you’ve likely experienced embarrassment— and if you’re like most people who have experienced trauma, depression, or anxiety, you have more than a modicum of self-awareness. 

The good news is, embarrassment plays by the rules of every other human emotional phenomenon: it is not created and reinforced by magic. 

Embarrassment is created and reinforced jus like every other feeling state: by what we say to ourselves, what we focus on, and how we interpret events and the world. 

If we can manage to wrangle our internal dialogue and our focus, we can manage our feelings of embarrassment— before they overwhelm us and make it impossible to move forward. 

Most of the time, when we’re embarrassed, we are lambasting ourselves with “should” statements. 

“I shouldn’t have said that.” 

“I shouldn’t have done that.” 

“I should know better.” 

“I should have been able to do better.” 

“Now that this has happened, I should just curl up and go away.” 

Embarrassment feeds on these “should” statements— and those “should’ statements turn into the lens through which we focus and interpret reality. 

It becomes a deepening spiral…if we don’t interrupt the pattern. 

We need to listen to our internal dialogue for when those “should” statements slip in. 

We need to get into the habit of actively challenging those “should” statements. 

We need to consciously, intentionally, purposefully interject alternative interpretations into the narrative— interpretations that reflect a reality OTHER than us just being incompetent or inappropriate to the situation. 

That is to say: when we’re embarrassed, we need to interrupt those self-shaming, self-blaming statements with which we are torturing ourselves…with interpretations and statements that contain compassion and empathy for ourselves. 

We need to be kind to ourselves…even if we may not feel like it at the time. 

We need to relentlessly redirect our focus, again and again and again, to the future. 

And above all, we need to interject self-forgiveness into the equation— consciously, purposefully, intentionally, consistently. 

That’s the formula for getting past embarrassment. 

It’s nothing flashy, it’s nothing ground breaking, it’s nothing particularly profound…but it will work . 

 

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It’s really hard, at times, to separate useful teachings and techniques from the very human, imperfect people who espoused those teachings and taught us those techniques. 

Recently I’ve seen and heard from people who are struggling with feeling disillusioned with the personal development industry following allegations of improper, exploitative conduct from a very well known personal development teacher: Tony Robbins. 

Many people are struggling with these allegations specifically because they’ve found Tony’s ideas and techniques so personally helpful and inspirational in their lives. 

Tony Robbins’s writings were one of the main reasons a career in psychology even occurred to me as a teenager. Indeed, his presence in the self-help industry is one of the reasons why I continue to believe that this industry has things to offer people in pain— despite the fact that, as an industry, it is not as transparent or well-regulated as the fields of clinical psychology or mental health are. 

That is to say: I admire Tony Robbins a lot. In a field that has more than its share of charlatans and poseurs, I’ve always considered Tony to be an example worth looking up to. 

I don’t like the behavior he’s been accused of. 

Nor do I like that, even aside from the behavior he’s been accused of, his personal development events, which feature a confrontational “open classroom” style of coaching that has its roots in the “large group awareness training” (LGAT) format— sometimes walk the line between entertainment and meaningful personal growth in a way that can be confusing and potentially destabilizing for a subset of people who are vulnerable. 

I don’t know Tony Robbins. I can’t pass judgment on his character or the likelihood that he’s behaved inappropriately. I don’t think it’s fair to try to pass such judgments based on online media sources that do seem pretty invested in sensationalistic reporting. 

That said: I do know that this is a moment in our industry— the “self help” industry, an industry that, even with all it’s problems, I STILL aspire to be a positive, transparent part of— when we can step back and assess the potential for harm when we incorporate personal development and entertainment without adequate awareness of risk and responsibility. 

If you’re at all familiar with my work, you know that I encourage my readers, again and again and again, to not confuse the messenger with the message. 

Don’t find value in my work because of who I am— find value in my work because my ideas work for you, specifically. 

If you follow my work, you’re probably sick to DEATH of me telling you that no teacher, me included, as a monopoly on truth or effective life management techniques. 

You’re probably sick to DEATH of me telling you that your job is to collect the toolkit that works best for YOU— and to not get sucked into the sales pitch of a teacher who tells you that they have all the answers…which they’re willing to offer you, for a price. 

I want everybody reading me to be very clear about the fact that your first, and most important responsibility, is to YOU. It’s to find a a path to managing your life, your symptoms, your goals, and your energy. This is not about your “guru”…as they say at Seek Safely, the point is to become your OWN guru. 

I think everybody needs to read up on the situation with Tony Robbins for themselves, and come to their own conclusions. There are plenty of articles out there, including an opinion piece written by Tony himself, offering various points of view. 

As with all things, we cannot be spoon fed what to think by anybody. We need to do the digging and do the thinking for ourselves— and arrive at the conclusions that are consistent with our goals and values for ourselves. 

But as an industry, I think self-help is at a pivotal moment. 

We’ve been in the position where we’ve seen major figures in our industry be accused of, and sometimes found guilty of in court, terrible things. Behavior that ranges from irresponsible to predatory. 

We’re at a point where we, those who identify ourselves as part of the self-help industry, get to decide what our field is going to look like in the years and decades to come. 

Are we going to make choices that reinforce the self-help industry’s reputation as exploitative and callow? 

Or are we going to make choices that will increase the transparency, accountability, and trustworthiness of our field…for the benefit of our customers and audiences? 

It’s on us. That choice is ours. 

 

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There is this temptation, when things aren’t fair, to kind of go on “strike.” 

Even if a situation is not to our liking— or especially if a situation is not to our liking— we are tempted to cross our arms, sit back, and wait for whoever SHOULD take responsibility for the situation to do so…even if it seems extremely unlikely that they will. 

In the meantime, we allow that situation— which we claim to hate— to continue to exist, and probably worsen. 

I get it: it’s maddening when the people who SHOULD take responsibility for a situation, don’t. 

It’s unfair when people who SHOULD clean up their messes, do not. 

It’s frustrating when people who SHOULD have to deal with the consequences of their behavior, don’t. 

We’re allowed to be angered and frustrated by the lack of fairness of it all. We’re allowed to have, and express, our opinion on the subjects. We’re allowed to have whatever reactions we’re having. 

But what some of us then do is choose to kind of “wait out” the situation because of its unfairness. Because after all, we SHOULDN’T have to take responsibility for something that someone ELSE should by rights, take responsibility for, right? 

In principle, that’s right. 

In practice, however, going “on strike” like this has the practical effect of kind of cutting off our nose to spite our face.

There are totally situations out there that are not our fault. But if we’re invested in them— if we want them to change, if we want the situation to no longer exist or exist in a different way— then they are, in fact, our responsibility. 

Going “on strike” will not clean up a mess. Waiting for an irresponsible person to take responsibility will not clean up a mess. 

The tough truth of the matter is, if we want to see change, sometimes we have to take responsibility for things that are not our fault. 

i remember when I was working as a mental health case manager in graduate school. I had one client who lived in subsidized housing with a roommate, who was also a client of my agency. 

My client’s housemate was notoriously messy. He would absolutely destroy the kitchen the two clients shared, and never clean up his mess. It was enormously frustrating for my client, especially considering that both of them had been homeless not too long before receiving the housing provided by the agency. 

My client felt profoundly grateful for the housing; he felt (appropriately so) the his housemate was disrespecting and kind of wasting the opportunity they’d both received by refusing to do his part to keep their shared kitchen cleaned. 

It totally wasn’t my client’s fault that his housemate didn’t clean the kitchen. By rights, his housemate absolutely SHOULD have stepped up and cleaned up his mess. It was UNFAIR that my client was suffering because of his housemate’s inconsiderate behavior. 

The thing is, though: none of that mattered when it came to the fact that my client hated living in a house with a messy kitchen. 

My client’s first impulse was to go “on strike,” and to wait for his housemate to take responsibility for the mess in the kitchen. Which I totally understood: why on earth should it be my client’s responsibility to clean up someone else’s mess? 

But the fact that it wasn’t my client’s fault that the kitchen was messy didn’t change the fact that the kitchen was messy…and my client hated living in a house with a messy kitchen. 

It wasn’t his fault. But because he was invested— because he wanted the state of the kitchen to be something other than it was— it became his responsibility. 

Eventually I was able to persuade my client to be proactive and clean the kitchen himself— all the while acknowledging that his doing so didn’t mean that his housemate was somehow absolved of his responsibility or fault. 

This wasn’t about assigning blame. This was about getting a clean kitchen. 

My client SHOULDN’T have had the burden of cleaning the kitchen. But sitting back and waiting for his housemate would have been a fruitless endeavor— it simply wasn’t going to happen. 

And, in the meantime, my client would have had to continue living in a house with a messy kitchen— which was not consistent with the life he wanted to live. 

My client had to take responsibility for what he wanted— even though it wasn’t his fault that the situation existed in the first place. 

In the end, many of us are in that position. 

Assigning blame and finding fault may feel good and may be morally right…but they rarely create change. 

Only taking responsibility does that. 

 

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A skill that most of us need to develop— desperately— is knowing when to back off, to disengage, to switch up what we’re doing. 

Very often, we find ourselves in situations where our symptoms are being exacerbated, our weaknesses are being exploited, and we’re veering away from our goals and values— but we simply don’t recognize this as a point where we need to pump the breaks, switch directions, change the channel. 

You see this a lot with peoples’ use of technology. How often have we been immersed in our social media feeds, which, for whatever reason, are firing us up in all the wrong ways on a particular day or night…but we don’t realize that it’s time to turn off the computer or close the app until we’ve gone far, far down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts and feelings? 

You see this with peoples’ time management as well. Very often, when we find ourselves with big chunks of less structured or basically unstructured time— often on weekends or in the evenings— we find ourselves bored, at loose ends, and emotionally spiraling…yet we don’t realize until it’s too late that we should maybe switch something up, maybe this unstructured chunk of time stretching out in front of us isn’t a great thing right now, maybe we should start over with a little bit of structure— or, if it’s in the evening, maybe go to bed and start over tomorrow? 

The skill of realizing when we’re down the rabbit hole, and we really need to make a switch, is more complicated than it might seem— usually because we don’t know that we’re down that rabbit hole until, well, we’re down it. 

Then, when we’re down that rabbit hole— when we’ve been sucked into a place of negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors— many of us have this attitude and/or belief that, eh, it’s too late now, I’m already down the rabbit hole…why would I want to make a change now? May as well follow through on the negative things I’m thinking and feeling, right? 

That “eh, it’s under way already, no point in changing anything now” mindset is absolutely insidious…and absolutely destructive. 

That line of reasoning has been used to crash diets, to self-harm, to self-sabotage, and to get or stay in destructive relationships. 

The truth is, it’s never too late to make a different decision and go a different direction. 

No matter how far down the rabbit hole you might be. 

No matter how long you’ve spent getting down that rabbit hole. 

No matter how hopeless that rabbit hole may feel. 

It’s always worth it to try to switch things up when you realize you’re being carried in a direction you don’t want to go. 

The skill involved in knowing when to switch things up has to do with a bigger skillset that revolves around self-awareness. A huge part of recovery is all about paying enough attention to what we’re thinking, feeling, and doing to know when we’re in emotional or cognitive trouble— and to know when some sort of change or intervention may be necessary. 

This is the essence of managing, say, the symptom of dissociation. Many people complain that they don’t know when they need to be practicing the skillset of grounding and containment, because they don’t know when they’re dissociating. 

The key to know when you’re dissociating— and thus when you need to go to the grounding and containment toolkit— is to develop a reliable routine of self-awareness. 

The way we do THAT is, to get in the habit of checking in with ourselves at regular intervals, to gauge how present we are and what we need. 

Why do people resist developing this skillset? 

Mostly because it’s a hassle. 

We don’t WANT to devote all this time to simple self-awareness. 

We don’t WANT to acknowledge that we’re THAT wounded, that we NEED to devote this much time and attention to self-awareness. 

The thing is, if we refuse to devote that time and attention to self-awareness…we’re going to get knocked further and further off course by situations we didn’t choose, over which we have virtually no control. 

Our values and goals deserve more than that. 

We deserve more than that. 

We are worth going through the trouble of checking in with ourselves— and taking whatever steps we need to change directions when we’re going down the rabbit hole. 

 

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One of the ways in which black and white thinking manifests itself is is the conviction that we need to be at our best in order to make any kind of progress. 

The temptation, when we’re not feeling well, when we’re hurt or injured, when we’re sick, or when we’re otherwise compromised, is to put personal development and recovery on the back burner until we feel better. 

We’re surely not going to make any progress right now, not when we’re in pain, not when we’re feeling so lousy, right? 

Surely we should just wait until we’re better in order to move ahead with our recovery, right? 

Surely it just makes more SENSE to wait until we’re feeling better in order to try to get back on track, right?

Nope. 

If we’re serious about recovery— from addiction, from trauma, from depression, from whatever— we don’t get days off. 

Even if we’re not feeling well. 

Even if we’re injured. 

Even if we’re in pain. 

Even if we’re tired. 

Don’t get me wrong: I completely get the impulse to not want to do recovery stuff when you’re not feeling well. 

When your’e not feeling well, all you really want to do is curl up until you feel better. 

Moreover, I totally get the argument that if you’re not feeling well, you may not be in a position to make great leaps and bounds when it comes to recovery. 

The problem crops up when we use “not feeling well” as an excuse to induce in the thinking and behaviors that keep us sick. 

Many people who are trying to recover from substance abuse get it in their heads that, you know, I’m not feeling well, so I’m going to just go ahead and cave in to my cravings tonight, and I’ll get back on the abstinence bandwagon when I feel better. 

Many people who are trying to stick to a diet get it in the heads that, you know what, I’m kinda sick tonight, I don’t want to have to expend the energy to resist my food cravings tonight, I’m just gonna go ahead and cave, and I’ll get back on my diet when I’m feeling better. 

Many people who are trying to recover from trauma-based symptoms get it in their heads that, you know what, I’m just not at my best right now, I don’t feel like I can use those tools and skills that I’m developing in therapy to their fullest extent, so I’m not even going to try tonight. Maybe when I’m feeling better I’ll hop back on the “tools and skills” bandwagon. 

Here’s the thing: you don’t need to be at your best to use your tools and skills. 

You don’t need to feeling great to stick to your diet. 

You don’t need to be at the top of your game to stay way from your drug of choice. 

In fact, it’s when we’re not feeling well that it’s PARTICULARLY important that we stay on track. 

What you need to do in these moments, when you don’t feel well, is be real and firm with yourself. 

You need to commit that, you know what, I’m not about to let this moment of pain become a moment of relapse. 

I may not be making great leaps forward in my recovery tonight…but that doesn’t mean I need to take a step backwards. 

I can still use the baseline tools and skills I’ve learned to keep me out of the worst headspace tonight, EVEN IF I don’t feel well. 

We need to remember that if we’re in recovery, we’re in recovery. No if’s, and’s, or but’s. 

The name of the game is not, ‘I’m in recovery, but only if I feel well tonight.’ 

The name of the game is, ‘I’m in recovery, no matter what.’

You can do this. 

 

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The most fundamental set of skills we can develop in recovery are those related to tolerating discomfort. 

Every single problem we run into in recovery stems from our unwillingness or inability to tolerate feeling bad. 

If we’re overeating, it’s usually because we cannot or will not tolerate the feeling of wanting to eat something and having the opportunity to eat that thing…but not. 

If we’re smoking, it’s because we cannot or will not tolerate the feeling of wanting a cigarette and having the opportunity to have a cigarette…but not. 

If we’re self-harming, it’s often because we cannot or will not tolerate whatever we are feeling at the moment, and what we hypothesize we’ll continue to feel if we do not self harm. 

If we’re NOT using our skills and tools, it’s usually because we cannot or will not tolerate what we perceive to be the discomfort or inconvenience— the hassle— associated with using them. 

Understand, the inability or unwillingness to tolerate feeling bad is not a weird thing. It’s not a thing that makes you weak. It’s not an uncommon thing. Every single human being experiences this problem. 

We humans do not like feeling bad, and we are wired to do whatever we can to get away from feeling bad if we can. 

The problem being, things that make us feel bad in the short term— like tolerating a food craving without giving in to it, like not having a cigarette even if we really want one, like working out, like removing ourselves from our substances of abuse— are often the only ways to feel good in the long term. 

A related problem being, things that make us feel good in short term— giving in to our anxieties, addictions, and compulsions, scratching an itch we’re feeling RIGHT NOW— often lead to much worse feelings and bigger problems down the road. 

As a therapist, a big part of my job is to boil things down to basics so we can actually deal with them effectively. I’m fully aware that every behavioral choice we make comes with layers of context and history. What I’m proposing here is not an oversimplification or an overgeneralization. 

It is, however, a very straightforward equation. 

In order to feel good in the long term, we have to figure out how to tolerate feeling bad in the short term. 

Unless we’re willing to take on that problem, we will never change our behavior in meaningful ways. 

The good news is: tolerating bad feelings is a skill that can be developed. 

For that matter, we have all had the experience of tolerating a bad feeling for a period of time, and the world not ending as a result. 

Sometimes we’ve had to tolerate a bad feeling for a period of time because we’ve had no choice— there was no easily accessible option for us to escape that bad feeling. We didn’t have the opportunity to feel otherwise, so we tolerated the bad feeling for a period…and we somehow survived. 

It may not have been pleasant, it may not have been preferable…but it was endurable. 

That means bad feelings ARE endurable. 

This is tremendously good news. 

Other times, we’ve tolerated feeling bad because we’ve had a sufficiently compelling reason to do so. 

The stakes were high. The “WHY” behind our behavior was real and important to us. So real and important to us, in fact, that it became more real and important to us than escaping the pain of the present moment. 

This is more tremendously good news— because it means that we don’t need to lack an escape route to choose to endure a short-term moment of pain. 

It means we can CHOOSE to endure that moment of short-term pain in the service of a long-term benefit. 

If you’ve read my work over time, you know I’m constantly taking about focus. Our focus determines our reality— and in this case, that truth is dramatically, evocatively illustrated. 

If we can learn to condition ourselves to focus on the long-term gain— to make it real, visceral, and important, to bring it closer to our mind’s eye than the short-term pain is— then we can endure essentially anything. 

We’re left with the fact that once again: focus is the key. 

This is why I don’t believe in “therapy,” per se: I believe in mental training and conditioning. 

A purposefully conditioned mind is our only shot at real freedom. 

 

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