Anybody who has children knows they can be incredible emotional supports, mostly by accident, mostly in ways that would be impossible to engineer even if one wanted to.
But it’s not the job of kids to be emotional supports for adults.
And kids shouldn’t be put in that position— or the position of doing any job or fulfilling any role that actually requires an adult.
At the heart of the whole thing is consent.
Kids can’t meaningfully consent to being emotional supports for adults— let alone taking on other adult roles.
They couldn’t understand what’s involved if they wanted to.
That’s not to disrespect any children— of course there are remarkably bright and industrious kids out there.
But kids lack the neural wiring to wrap their heads around adult roles.
I don’t care if a kid is an “old soul.”
I don’t care if a kid has triple the raw IQ of their parents.
I don’t care if a kid fervently believes in their own ability to take on an adult role or do an adult job: it’s not for them.
And we, as adults, need to make sure kids are not put in that position.
There are many people reading this who are well aware, who know by experience, what happens when kids are put in the position of being emotional support for adults, or coerced into being “little adults” in other ways.
Yes, I said “coerced.” Because that’s what it is.
Some parents are going to have feelings about this. They’re going to make the case that what they coerced their kids into wasn’t harmful. They’re going to say that it depends on the kid, that there are smart and mature kids out there who can handle it.
One, being smart and mature, even adult-like— in intellect, appearance, or otherwise— doesn’t mean a kid is able to take on adult roles.
Two, adults and kids are not operating on level playing fields, power wise.
Not only are kids incapable of taking on those adult jobs and roles, they are incapable of consenting to do so, due to that power differential. Especially so if the adults in question are their parents, caretaker, or other important people in their lives, such as teachers or clergy.
It harms kids to take on adult roles— especially repeatedly, especially in relationships where refusing to take on those roles is awkward or impossible due to the power dynamic.
Why am I writing about this on my trauma page?
Because more than a few people reading this were harmed by the coercion I’m describing.
Raise your hand if you were ever described as an “old soul.” “Mature for your age.”
Raise your hand if it was up to you to take care of your parents.
I understand a certain percentage of survivors reading this are going to say I’m overstating things, that what happened to them wasn’t abuse or neglect, that they were capable of being the emotional or logistical support their parents needed at the time.
I’m not going to tell you what your truth is.
But I am going to tell you, many survivors of this specific kind of neglect, parentification, don’t register it as neglect— but they are impacted by it all the same.
That “fawn” response? The people pleasing, the perfectionism, the anxiety, the guilt?
The vulnerability to relationship conflict, that “freeze” response when things get tough between you and your partner?
Yeah, none of that comes out of nowhere.
Parentification is coercion and neglect. I don’t care who you are or who your parents were.
And by the way, coercing kids to be “adults” in certain spheres, like emotional support, kicks open the door to rationalizing kids fulfilling other “needs” for adults, with the same arguments for it all. “Some kids are mature enough to handle it,” blah blah blah.
Kids deserve better.
You deserved better.
