To many trauma survivors, compliments often are not compliments.
To many trauma survivors, compliments feel like traps.
They feel like setups.
They feel like someone trying to get us emotionally vulnerable.
It doesn’t particularly matter how sincere the compliment, or how trustworthy the complimenter— compliments can trigger us.
To understand what’s going on, you need to know that many CPTSD survivors only ever received backhanded compliments growing up.
For many of us, the people closest to us only ever complimented us for the purpose of somehow making us feel bad.
Do you know what a “neg” is?
A “neg” is a manipulation tactic, wherein someone gives you a backhanded compliment for the purpose of kicking you in the self-esteem.
Why would somebody do that? Because many people— and especially trauma survivors— will respond to that kind of thing by feeling a need to earn that person’s respect or approval.
That is: “negs” work because they evoke a “fawn” trauma response.
Do you know the kind of psychological harm that results from a parent “negging” a child, over and over again, at some of the most developmentally sensitive periods of that kid’s life?
Actually, I suppose you might.
Anyway— compliments often feel suspicious to us. And we come by that skepticism honestly.
We’ve come to understand compliments as potential manipulation.
We’re not “choosing” to be “difficult” about compliments. We’re not “ungrateful.”
We’re not trying to push people away— though sometimes pushing people away does feel safer, doesn’t it?
That sensitivity to compliments won’t last forever. Though many of us do struggle with wondering when the other shoe will drop, or when we’ll be “found out” for the “imposter” we are, for awhile.
Don’t get up in your head about it.
Just work your recovery today.
Self-talk, mental focus, physiology. Micro choices.
(I’d tell you “good job,” but…you know.)
Use Your Damn Skills 