Use Your Damn Skills

There is no shame in being imperfect.

Illogical, impetuous, emotional, needy. All humans are all of these at some point. Some more than others, some more frequently than others.

A lot of it is dependent upon our genetic inheritances and predispositions.

A certain amount of it is the result of trauma and other life events that have happened to us.

Some of it has to do with the general environments in which we were raised, and the environments in which we exist right now.

But the fact is: we humans are, often, very much messes.

We may think there are some humans who are exceptions to this. We see beautiful, witty celebrities who always seem to look great and say the right thing. We see politicians and leaders who are passionate and eloquent. We go to movies and watch TV shows where people make the right decisions at the right times— or, if they make the wrong decisions, things still play out in entertaining ways that wrap up within an hour or two.

Then we compare ourselves to those models, and…we’re forced to acknowledge that we are just messes.

The thing is, those characters— including the celebrities and the politicians— aren’t real.

EVERY human being is imperfect.

Moreover, we cannot do anything to make ourselves perfect. Just can’t be done. If perfection is your goal, I strongly recommend you abandon it right now.

We don’t have the option to make ourselves perfect.

All we can do is decide how we’re going to deal with being imperfect.

We can decide how to respond to the FACT that we are all imperfect.

Do we decide that the reality of imperfection means we can’t do anything?

Does it mean we can’t try anything?

Does it mean we give up?

Or does it mean that we commit, every single day, to dealing with this fact with realism, honesty, and humor?

A lot of people say, for example, they’re “terrible at relationships.”

Welcome to humanity, many of us are terrible at relationships. The fact that we can’t read each others’ minds and perfectly predict and fill each others’ needs makes most of us humans more or less terrible at relationships, at least some of the time.

Some people then decide that the fact that they’re “terrible at relationships” means they shouldn’t even try to have relationships.

Take it from me: if you’ve made up your mind to simply “opt out” of having relationships, you’re going to be wrestling with much of your instinctive programming as a human. Like it or not, we’re wired to have relationships of varying levels of intimacy. Like most human traits, the pull toward relationships exists on a spectrum, with some humans craving intimacy more than others, but it is the very rare human who truly, voluntarily wants little to no connections with other humans.

The fact that relationships can hurt, the fact that we sometimes don’t do them well, the fact that sometimes they’re inconvenient and maddening and exhausting…that doesn’t mean we should stop trying.

But, that’s the choice with which we’re presented: is the fact that we can’t get it right every time— the fact that we’re almost certain to get it WRONG a lot of the time— reason to attempt to opt out?

How are we going to respond to the fact that perfection is an impossibility?

To continue to strive for perfection, as a human, means you’ve chosen to respond to the FACT of human imperfection with one of the least effective and most damaging coping skills possible: denial.

In addition to almost never solving the problem, denial often creates bigger and more destructive problems.

Your choice, as a human, isn’t between perfection and imperfection.

Nor is it between constantly winning and sometimes losing. You’re going to do both.

The choice you have is in how you handle the FACT of human frailty.

So…how are you going to handle it?

 

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Remember: the Internet, in some important respects, isn’t real life.

Yes, yes, it reflects real life. Sometimes, in some ways.

But Facebook, Twitter, your favorite news website, your favorite entertainment website…they are all heavily, heavily filtered realities.

(There are literally no exceptions to this statement.)

People behind a screen and keyboard aren’t subject to the same “rules” people in “real life” are.

The field of social psychology has for years been studying the extent to which our behavior changes when it is more and less linked to “real world” consequences. Its conclusions have been robust and consistent: when people have filters between themselves and the world with which they’re interacting, they become less concerned with how their words and actions impact that world.

For some people, this has the effect of allowing them to be braver than they might otherwise be. Social media has afforded many people the opportunity to voice opinions and support causes they might never otherwise get the chance to in “real life,” for a variety of reasons. These people often say that being on social media has allowed them to feel more like “themselves” than they ever have.

For others, however, the layers of filtration between them and the real world afforded by the Internet gives them the opportunity to be meaner, more impulsive, and more obsessive than they might otherwise have the “courage” to be in the real world.

People have differing views on whether the “bad” behavior people exhibit on the Internet is more “true” to their real personalities, or less “true.” Whether the Internet makes people mean, or just allows them to be as mean as they really are.

It’s a debate similar to whether alcohol makes people “more” who they are or “less” who they are. I know a subset of people who strenuously argue that alcohol shows you who “somebody really is.”

I’ve always struggled with that view. Alcohol is a drug that interferes with the functioning of the parts of the brain that make us who we are, personality-wise and judgment-wise. I’d be surprised if ingesting a foreign substance that will literally interfere with one’s ability to function in those domains could bring out one’s “authentic” self.

Likewise, we need to remember that the Internet has effects on the human brain that are not unlike drugs of addiction.

The Internet absolutely impacts the functioning of the neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin, those twin chemicals that are largely responsible for our motivation and moods.

The Internet absolutely creates an environment in which most websites want us to continue using them, with as little critical thought as possible. They absolutely want to create an environment in which we become addicted to and dependent upon their content.

To say that such an environment allows for people to be more fully “who they are” presents, to me at least, many of the same problems as saying alcohol lets people be truly “who they are.”

I think the issue is more complicated than that. I think this is something all of us need to think carefully about.

I think our behavior on the Internet is something all of us need to be very mindful of and take very seriously. It’s simply not like our behavior in other domains.

Do yourself the favor of thinking, really thinking, about your Internet behavior.

Not just how much time you spend on the Internet, but how you use this tool.

Think seriously about the comments you make.

Think seriously about the content you engage with.

Think seriously about the ideas that you allow to invade your brain as you scroll, scroll, scroll down that social media feed of yours.

Don’t get me wrong: the Internet is a tremendous tool. It has revolutionized our culture in a way that nobody could have predicted in the last twenty years. I never thought that I’d see this kind of a cultural shift in my lifetime— and yet here we are.

It’s like when humans discovered fire.

Fire can warm bodies, cook food, power steamships.

Fire can also burn cities, burn books, and burn people.

Treat your combustibles with seriousness, humility, and respect.

 

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A loss doesn’t have to be earth-shattering to hurt.

A loss doesn’t have to wreck your life in order to require mourning.

The culture around us loves to judge the appropriateness of our feelings. We get all sorts of feedback every day on whether we’re being too emotional; whether we’re getting upset over something we “shouldn’t” be upset by; whether our emotional reactions are sufficiently “adult.”

The world loves to tell us we’re making too big a deal of something we’re feeling.

The thing is, the world doesn’t have to live inside our skin.

The culture out there doesn’t have to deal with it when we experience a loss that may not be of the magnitude it judges “acceptable” to mourn, but which leaves us sad and asks us to acknowledge it anyway.

I’ve said to before, I’ll say it again: other people don’t have to go to sleep inside our heads and hearts, and wake up with our heads and hearts. We do.

Sometimes we’re going to feel sadness over losses that other people think are “silly.”

Sometimes we’re going to feel pain over losses that other people feel aren’t big enough to qualify for “mourning.”

Whether other people want to offer us sympathy or support is up to them. Nobody is required to mourn our losses with us. Acknowledging and coping with our losses is an inside-out job, and nobody is asking anyone else to swoop in and do their mourning for them.

Let them go ahead and think it’s silly, in other words.

We can grieve for a person; we can grieve for a pet; we can grieve for an opportunity; we can even grieve for a time of life or a relationship.

“Grieving” doesn’t mean that our world stops. It means taking the time to feel what we’re feeling, to assess the meaning of losses in our life, and to adjust to our new, post-loss reality.

A lot of people get sucked into kind of an extreme, all-or-nothing model of loss and grieving. They get this idea in their heads that “grieving” necessarily implies the world stops, that one can’t do their job or interact with other people, that all of one’s energy gets focused exclusively on the grieving if a loss is big enough to require grieving.

No wonder some people set the bar so high for what kinds of losses are “okay” to grieve.

The truth is, most grieving actually happens on the down low.

Most grieving happens quietly, almost invisibly.

An awful lot of grieving happens almost exclusively in our heads and hearts, simply because the world has made it so radically “uncool” to acknowledge that loses hurt, no matter what the magnitude.

You need to know that you’re not alone in your need to acknowledge and grieve losses, no matter how big or small.

You need to know that it’s normal and human to experience pain and confusion when things go away.

You need to know that, whatever the culture thinks, you feel what you feel, and no amount of their judgment or scorn is going to change that.

You need to know that you have not only the right, but also the responsibility, to process your losses in a way that allows you to thrive and function on the other side of that loss.

What losses have you been pressured to “let go of” before you’re ready?

What grieving have you been pressured to rush because it’s not “okay” for you to be upset?

What emotional reactions have you been nudged into denying and disowning because emotions make someone ELSE in your life uncomfortable?

It’s really, really hard to build healthy, durable self-esteem when we’re denying and disowning our emotional lives. Especially if we’re doing so to please and appease someone else.

Do your grieving the way you need to do it. Be mindful of the fact that you may or may not receive the support and empathy of everyone around you— nor do you need it in order to successfully process your losses.

What you absolutely DO need, however, is your own unequivocal support and compassion toward your own emotional life.

Don’t wage a war on your emotions just because it’s what other people have done.

Be kind to yourself. Especially around losses.

Self-acceptance and compassion is a decision you can make— only and always.

 

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I don’t know if “everything happens for a reason.”

You hear that a lot in personal development circles. “Everything happens for a reason.”

You hear it a lot in religious circles. “God has a plan.”

Maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not. From a metaphysical perspective, those questions are above my pay grade.

Even if we believe in God, I don’t know if we can say for sure “he has a plan.” I’ve worked with a lot of people in my career as a therapist, the experiences of whom make me wonder about any “plan” that involves as much pain, complexity, and confusion as this one supposedly being played out by a loving, forgiving God.

Understand, I’m not saying God DOESN’T have a plan, or that things DON’T happen for a reason. I’m just acknowledging that, with the perceptual limits we have slapped on us as human beings, it’s impossible for us to know such things. Which is why, I suppose, words like “faith” exist.

No. I don’t know about the metaphysical certainty or mechanics of any grand “plans” or “reasons.”

But I do know that we, as humans, have the opportunity to find meaning in our experience.

We have the opportunity to CREATE meaning out of our experience.

And the psychological research— which is more hands on and directly observable than questions of God’s plan or lack thereof— indicates that people who spend time meaningfully grappling with the question of what their experiences MEAN tend to be happier and more functional than those who neglect that question.

Does everything serve a purpose? Who knows. But we can MAKE everything that happens to us serve a purpose in our lives.

Put another way, we can try on the hypothesis that everything hat happens to us has something to teach us. It serves a purpose in that somehow, some way, everything that happens to us can help further our goals and fulfill our values.

It was once suggested to me that a belief adopted by many successful people is that everything happens for a reason, and that reason serves us.

Keep in mind, that’s just a belief— it may be true or not.

But its VALUE isn’t necessarily in whether it’s true. It’s VALUE— much like any belief— is in how it directs our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

The fact is, we don’t know if MOST of our beliefs, either positive or negative, are true.

We think we develop beliefs based on what we understand to be true or not, but the psychological research suggests that’s not actually the case most of the time.

Most of the time, we adopt beliefs not because they’re “true” as we understand them…but rather, we adopt beliefs because of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors they make possible.

Important distinction, that.

If you adopted the belief that everything happens for a reason, and that reason actually SERVES you…how would you look at your daily experiences differently?

If you adopted the belief that everything happens for a reason, and that reason actually SERVES you…how would you look at experiences of “failure” differently?

If you adopted the belief that everything happens for a reason, and that reason actually SERVES you…how might that equip you to deal with challenges in a way that people who DON’T have that belief are NOT equipped?

It might be a powerful game changer.

Don’t get hung up on whether your beliefs are true. Especially beliefs that no one, at least in this lifetime, can prove or disprove— like “everything happens for a reason” or “God has a plan.”

Trust me, no matter how much you meditate and/or pray on those questions, you’re not going to get a clear, unambiguous answer. And you don’t need one.

Focus instead on what, inside you, those beliefs make possible and likely.

What thoughts do those beliefs make it easy to think?

What feelings do those beliefs make it easy to have?

What behaviors do those beliefs make it easy to do?

By choosing your beliefs— and not getting hung up on the metaphysics of it all— you can reshape the way you deal with everyday life in some powerful, surprising ways.

 

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Sometimes the people around us are going to pull some real boneheaded moves.

They’re going to do things that we know, without a doubt, are wrong headed.

They’re going to say things that we know, with no question, are simply incorrect.

They’re going to think things that we find silly and feel things we find exaggerated.

And what’s more…there’s going to be nothing we can do about any of the above.

EVEN IF we know we’re right, and they’re wrong.

EVEN IF we know that their lives would definitely be made better if they just did what WE KNOW they should do.

EVEN IF they’ve done stuff EXACTLY like this before— against our advice, even— and produced a less than desirable result in the past.

The fact is, we simply cannot control what other people think, feel, and do…regardless of how right we might be and how wrong they might be.

It is not, in any way, shape, or form, even our JOB to try to control other people’s behavior.

Influence, yes— everybody’s always tying to influence everybody else’s behavior as a matter of course.

But control…it’s not our place to control anyone but us. (And even THAT is a dicey proposition sometimes.)

It is our job, however, to develop the emotional management tools we need in order to handle it when the people around us pull boneheaded maneuvers. When people discard good advice; when they ignore relevant examples; when they fail to heed the lessons of history.

Part of what makes an emotionally mature person, emotionally mature, is the fact that they have developed the skill of self-talk. They know when and how to talk themselves down when their impulse might be to scream at someone who is dong something boneheaded that they “should” clearly be able to avoid.

We manage our feelings by talking to ourselves.

We’re always talking to ourselves.

We may not always be fully aware of how we’re talking to ourselves, but our self-talk is always there, keeping up a constant commentary on everything around us. Making sense of the world; perceiving things; judging things; asking questions; answering questions. We are never without the conversation that happens in our head.

It sounds like a simple concept, self-talk. But it’s something that is very often ignored by most people, most of the time.

How do we handle it WHENEVER we have an impulse to try to step in when someone around is making a boneheaded move?

We have to talk ourselves down.

We have to give ourselves good, valid reasons to back off.

We have to acknowledge to ourselves that, yes, maybe it would be better if that other person would just take our OBVIOUSLY VERY GOOD advice…but we’re not that other person, and we can’t make that decision for them.

We have to talk ourselves through the feelings of anger and disappointment that are often evoked when the people around us are behaving in frustrating ways.

The difference between people who can handle it and people who fall apart when the people around them do dumb stuff is the quality of their self-talk.

Emotionally mature people learn to listen for and consciously use self-talk to their advantage.

Self-talk becomes the way they handle it when things don’t go their way— particularly when people don’t behave as they “should.”

People who don’t use self-talk particularly well…they tend to be at the mercy of the boneheaded behavior of the people around them.

They tend to be at the mercy of their own impulsivity.

Being at the mercy of boneheads and impulsivity is not a fun place to be.

So learn how to talk to yourself.

It won’t stop the people around you from pulling really boneheaded moves. But it will make it mostly their problem, and less yours.

 

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You don’t have to be “right” all the time in order to live a fun, fulfilling life.

You don’t even have to be right MOST of the time.

You don’t need to have all the answers; you don’t need to know the “truth” on a spiritual or metaphysical level; and you certainly don’t need to follow just the right guru, regardless of what some gurus might want you to believe.

You can be wrong most of the time and still have an awesome life.

IF you’re open to course correcting.

IF you’re willing to acknowledge and admit when you’re wrong.

IF you have the courage to sometimes look a little silly.

IF you don’t have too much of your self-image wrapped up in being “right.”

So much of our time and energy is expended on worrying whether we’re right— either literally, or spiritually, or in principle, or morally, or practically.

Hours and hours and HOURS we waste, worrying about being “wrong.”

It’s no sin or crime to be wrong— despite what our upbringing might have taught us.

It is maladaptive as hell, however, to remain inflexible in wrongness once it’s realized.

Do you have any idea how many people persist in an error or a misperception or mistake JUST because they’ve spent so much time being wrong?

It’s called the “sunk cost fallacy.” People figure that they’ve made so much time and invested so much energy (and sometimes money) making a mistake, that they “should” see it through…even if they’ve realized that they’re on the wrong track.

For some people it’s a matter of pride. Their ego can’t sustain the blow it would take if they owned up to how wrong they’ve been.

For others it’s a social thing. They don’t want to deal with the prospect of ridicule from their friends or social circle if they admit to being wrong.

Look, everybody’s wrong sometimes. It’s part of life. It’s even a part of SCIENCE— in fact, being wrong is kind fo the part of science that makes science valuable as a way of arriving at knowledge.

If we were never wrong, we’d never have to do the work of reexamining our assumptions.

If we were never wrong, we’d never have to think deeply about our processes and needs.

If we were never wrong, we’d never need or find value in other peoples’ input— why would we want to hear what OTHER people have to say, if we were never wrong?

C’mon.

Don’t be afraid to be wrong— even very publicly.

Don’t be afraid to look silly— even among your friends.

Developing a sense of humor and a sense of perspective about being wrong and looking silly are among the most important emotional tools that emotionally mature people will develop.

Put another way: would YOU trust a leader, a mentor, a therapist, or a sponsor who simply couldn’t admit that they were ever wrong?

Why not?

Because when people can’t admit they’re wrong, it means they haven’t developed the emotional maturity and resilience required of leaders, mentors, therapists, or sponsors.

We can take the subjects with which we deal seriously without taking ourselves too seriously.

We can even take our lives, our values, and our goals seriously without taking ourselves too seriously.

Get out there and be wrong. Make mistakes. Generate some hilarious stories you can laugh about later.

But more importantly— get out there and develop the skill of not freaking out when you’re wrong. Develop the skill of not being in denial when you’re wrong. Develop the skill of pivoting, intentionally and self-compassionately, when you discover you’re wrong.

Don’t be that person who refuses, over and over again, to admit when things have gone awry.

Live in the real world with me— where we generate real results, because we’re not afraid to admit that we’re not perfect.

What a concept, no?

 

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At The Doyle Practice, we emphasize doing the next right thing.

We literally can’t go back and do the LAST right thing.

We can’t do anything over again.

We can’t leap until the future and do the right thing a week, or even an hour, from now.

What we CAN do, all we can do, is the very NEXT right thing.

Why is that so difficult sometimes?

Well, we have brains that like to play “what if.” Our brains are magnificent machines that, unlike the brains of many other animals, can imagine alternative futures and alternative pasts for ourselves. Our brains can imagine, as well as perceive and think.

Imagination is a powerful tool.

And just like any powerful tool, it can make our projects much easier…or it can really hurt us if we use it carelessly.

If you, like me, are a fan of the self-help, pop psychology, and personal growth literature, you’ve probably heard, countless times, “anything your mind can think, you can make happen.” This idea often accompanies material about the Law of Attraction, positive visualization, or mental programming.

I think there are great, interesting things to be said about each of those subjects. I think there is validity to the idea that the things we repeatedly rehearse and see in our minds’ eyes have a greater propensity to manifest in our lives.

I think the jury is out on whether this is a true metaphysical phenomenon or a relatively unremarkable trick of applied neuropsychology related to the placebo effect, but either way, using our imagination to envision positive outcomes and greater resourcefulness is very much a skill worth developing.

The thing is, however, it’s not nearly as simple as “whatever your mind can picture, can exist.”

Your mind can picture rewinding time…but that is never, ever going to happen to you.

Your mind can picture jumping forward in time…but that, too, is never, ever going to happen.

I know. We’ve been told for decades by science fiction novels and movies that time travel is absolutely possible. There have even been documentary movies about all the rich possibilities that manipulating the space/time continuum may offer once we finally master the physics and technology involved in such a feat. Even Einstein— we’re told— was a proponent of the idea that space and time were merely constructs that had no more validity than we assigned them in our own heads.

I’m not a physicist. I can’t speak to whether or when time travel will be available for us to take advantage of. (Though I have to be honest: if it’s anything like it’s portrayed in the movies, I’m emphatically NOT looking forward to that day.)

What I am is a psychologist whose job is to help people realistically build better lives in the real world. And I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that people lose hours, days, months, YEARS to the fantasy that the images in their heads— rewinding or fast forwarding time— can be anything but science fiction.

Because you can imagine it doesn’t mean you can do it.

Even if you really WANT to.

Even if it would be SO MUCH BETTER if you COULD do it.

You can’t.

Doing the next right thing seems mundane when compared to the fantasy time travel worlds we’re capable of constructing in our heads. Our imaginations can build these fairy tale fortresses in which we don’t have to deal with the pressures or the obligations of figuring out, let alone doing, the next right thing.

Those fortresses and fairy tales and fantasies are robbing you of your true wealth and opportunities. Those exist right here, right now— in the sometimes unexciting, sometimes unglamorous, sometimes painful, sometimes pedestrian moment.

Trust me, though: doing the next right thing, instead of fantasizing about the last right thing or the right thing two or ten steps down the line…that’s what separates those who come out ahead from those who remain stuck in second gear.

Humor me. Do the next right thing.

Then the next.

And the next.

 

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There’s a reason why “just calm down” doesn’t quite cut it for most anxiety attacks.

I’m always mystified why anyone thinks “just calm down” is helpful advice. My thought about this has always been, “if it was that easy, don’t you think I would have calmed down already?”

It’s much like the advice often offered when people are procrastinating. “Just do it,” we’re told.

Really? Like that hasn’t occurred to us before?

“Just calm down” as a response to an anxiety attack is particularly problematic, for a very specific reason: anxiety attacks are fueled by a fair amount of energy. Taking a physical and emotional event that involves as much energy as an anxiety attack and asking us to just “turn it off” is like asking someone to slam on the brakes when they’re hurtling down the highway at a hundred fifty miles an hour.

An object in motion tends to stay in motion.

If you just slam on the brakes when a car is going that fast and expect to just stop, you’re going to be in for a surprise. It’s a good way to flip the car.

Your anxiety has energy. It has momentum to it. Anybody who has had an anxiety attack knows exactly what I’m talking about. The whole thing is just suffused with physical and emotional intensity.

You need to do something with that energy. You can’t just ignore it.

Anxiety attacks have multiple components, chief among them being what’s going on in our heads— what’s being seen by our mind’s eye— and the churning, driving intensity or momentum of the physiological response. Very often the former— the images, sounds, and associations happening in our heads— are what are driving the latter.

That said, once the physiological response has been started, we have to deal with the fact that it exists.

One effective way to deal with that energy is to channel it— by manipulating what’s happening in our heads.

Something that I emphasize to my patients, again and again, is that we all have movie screens in our heads. 24/7, we’re playing images and hearing sounds in the theater of our minds.

Sometimes we’re very aware of this, such as when we close our eyes to go to sleep at night.

Sometimes we’re not so aware of this, as when we’re focused on something actually in front of us in the day time. During these times, the movie screens in our heads become background noise— but they’re still operational.

When we have anxiety, one option we have is to take control of the movie screen in our mind, and change the channel.

(Okay, so maybe it’s more like a big TV screen. Think a surround sound theater, with state of the art audio and 3D technology. Either way— you have the option to change the channel.)

We can change the channel to a different set of images from those that are driving our anxiety— but we need to be conscious that we’re choosing new images that match the intensity and energy of the previous images.

Want to know why sometimes it doesn’t work to imagine, when we’re wound up, a peaceful waterfall or gentle breeze gently whispering through the leaves?

Because your body is already revved up from the previous images you had— it knows full well, from all the adrenaline and hyper-oxygenation coursing through it, that these images are incongruent with what it feels.

If you try to feed your body images that are dramatically different from what it was experiencing, energy-wise, your body’s going to know the difference.

It’ll waste no time in changing your channel BACK to the images from before, because those images are more congruent with what it’s experiencing.

Instead, try changing the channel in your head to something a little more energy-congruent with what you were experiencing.

I advised someone recently to switch the channel in his head from the images that were making him anxious, to the image of, say, him driving a race car, or him waterskiing.

Both of these were high-energy images that his brain could accept as energy-congruent with what he was experiencing— his brain didn’t balk at him switching to those channels.

Then, I had him imagine slowing the race car down; or imagining the boat towing him as a water-skier slowing down.

Those were imagines his body and brain could make sense of, images that spoke to his body and brain slowing down…without being the exact opposite of what he WAS experiencing.

It’s not the case that we ALWAYS have control over our internal movie screens.

But we have a lot more control than we think.

And if we exercise that control intelligently, that means we have a lot more control over our anxiety than we might think.

Keep this issue— energy congruence— in mind. We’re going to be talking about it a lot more on this blog.

 

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Is the juice worth the squeeze?

You only have a limited amount of time, energy, and focus at your disposal in any one day. Once you expend those resources, you have to literally wait until they replenish.

You can do things to replenish them faster, of course. Rest helps. Recreation helps. There are a subset of experiences and behaviors that feed you rather than depleting you; seeking out these experiences and engaging in these behaviors will help you return to baseline faster than you otherwise would.

But what you’re expending your precious, finite resources on…is it worth it?

The people who get the precious, finite resource of your attention…do they deserve it?

The tasks that consume the precious, finite resource of your time…are they worth it? Do they add enough value to justify the time you invest in them?

The situations into which you pour the precious, finite resource of your energy…do those situations align with your values and wants?

Understand, we don’t always get to choose exactly where our resources go. It’d be lovely if we had COMPLETE control over how we’re to spend our time— but our bosses and jobs and other commitments might have something to say about that.

Likewise, we don’t have COMPLETE control over where our energy goes. Especially if you’re a parent, you know that whether you like it or not, a great deal of energy every day will be invested in the care and nurturing of your children. There isn’t much choice involved.

The thing is— because we don’t have COMPLETE control over where our resources go, doesn’t mean we have NO control over where they go.

We still have a great deal of flexibility and choice when it comes to where we invest our time, energy, and attention.

And the fact is, not every place where we typically invest those resources is a good investment.

How many times have we caught ourselves lavishing the precious, finite resource of our attention on a situation that will only make us sad or angry?

How many times have we caught ourselves wasting the precious, finite resources of our time on things that will only make us tired and listless…and which don’t produce a commensurate level of joy or fun to offset this “cost?”

I’m not one of those personal growth teachers who is going to tell you you should NEVER expend your resources on things that aren’t directly linked to your goals. Every scrap of research and experience we have suggests that recreation and diversion significantly enhance our ability to pursue goals effectively in the real world. “Workaholism,” as a lifestyle choice, isn’t chosen by very many successful people.

(You can trust me on the “workaholism doesn’t work” thing— I’ve tried it. Repeatedly. Just doesn’t work.)

It’s okay to expend your resources. Lavish all the time, energy, and attention on whatever you want.

But be smart about it.

If you’re going to go through the trouble of squeezing, the juice should be sweet and nutritious enough to make the squeeze worth it.

if you’re going to spend time on something, it should be something that enhances you. You’re not getting that time back; it’s a one time investment. In choosing what to spend your time on, you’re choosing to make a once-in-a-lifettime investment of hours and minutes and seconds.

It should be worth it.

If you’re going to expend attention on something, it should be something that makes you feel good, not bad. Motivated, not discouraged. Supported, not defeated.

If you’re going to spend energy on something, it should come with an upside. There’s nothing wrong with expending energy— but there should be a payoff down the road.

There’s a lot of juice in this world that’s not worth the squeeze.

Squeeze, by all means.

But taste test the juice along the way.

 

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Black and white thinking is what happens when we assume things are all one way, all one thing, or the other.

No grey, no ambiguity, no wiggle room, no nuance.

It’s an exceedingly common cognitive pattern. Humans rather like to think in black and white.

Shades of grey, after all, are often confusing. They’re inconvenient.

Shades of grey are a hassle, insofar as they require us to do more thinking than stark black and white categories do.

When things are black and white, we don’t have to do the hard work of really sitting with potential contradictions; examining evidence; feeling our way around the edges of what might or might not be “true” or “real.”

Make no mistake: I absolutely believe there are black and white truths in the world. I think there are things that are true and untrue; right and wrong; okay and not okay.

Black and white do exist.

But not nearly as often, and not in as many places, as our brains like to tell us.

And it is absolutely the case that black and white thinking almost always creates more, and bigger, problems than it solves.

The “benefits” of black and white thinking— a sense of certainty, clarity, security— don’t tend to hold up the real world. Because most of the real world doesn’t fall into the category of unambiguous black and white.

Most of the time when we think in black and white, it’s not about unambiguous moral issues like murder or torture or cruelty.

Most of the time, we take those black and white thinking patterns and apply them to our own conduct— in areas where it just doesn’t work.

Many times, there isn’t a “right” answer for questions like, “what should I have done in this situation?”

Many times, there isn’t a “right” answer for questions like, “what should I do next?”

Many times, there isn’t a ‘“right” answer for questions like, “Am I good or bad?”

We wish there were black and white answers to those questions. It would make life so much simpler, more straightforward. But there simply aren’t.

We have to give up the illusion that black and white thinking can solve our problems by making things clear and true.

Our motives are very often— most often— a complex combination of factors.

Our perceptions are very often— most often— a complex mix.

There are very often no black and white answers to why we do what we do; why we want what we want; why we did what we did.

I’m not asking you to give up your search for truth or your passion for clarity. Indeed, I feel we must continue to search for what’s right, what’s true, to be clear about what matters and what doesn’t.

I’m asking you to remember that black and white thinking, when rigidly applied to our own lives, can often create more confusion, unhappiness, and frustration than not.

I’m asking you to remember that most often, you, and the people around you, and even the people from your past, exist in lighter and darker shades of grey.

I’m asking you to have compassion for yourself, instead of holding yourself to a rigid standard that human beings were not designed to be held to.

You can absolutely remain committed to truth, while acknowledging the nuances of reality.

You can absolutely hold yourself to high standards, while still remaining committed to fairness and compassion with yourself.

Be real with your thinking.

Be kind…in your head.

 

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