Use Your Damn Skills

The great myth of self-esteem is that it is somehow a passive thing. That our self-esteem rises and falls based on what happens to us— that it is created and is nurtured and lives outside of us.

The truth is, it’s the exact opposite. Self-esteem can only be created within. We are 100% responsible for our self-esteem.

It’s true that external events can make it easier or harder for us to esteem ourselves. It’s also true that people born with cultural, economic, and social advantages don’t face certain obstacles to building self-esteem that people not born with these advantages face.

But when it comes down to it, building self-esteem is entirely an internal affair. It’s based entirely on choices we make. And we can make choices that enhance (or diminish) our self-esteem, regardless of our economic state, social status, or any other variable.

Self-esteem is mostly our brain’s response, our brain’s appraisal, of our chosen way of being in the world. Our brain does not choose to esteem us based on our financial success, our social success, our conventional attractiveness, or our talent at any given skill— though it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking these things create self-esteem, since these are the types of things that the people around us tend to esteem.

Your self-esteem doesn’t particularly care if you’re rich, or popular, or beautiful, or talented.

There are plenty of rich, popular, beautiful, talented people out there who do not esteem themselves. Who, behind closed doors, when they’re alone with their thoughts, consider themselves frauds, and wonder when everyone else will catch on to their scam.

Take care not to confuse what the culture, or the people around you, think of you, with genuine self-esteem. Self-esteem can never be created— or destroyed— by other peoples’ reactions to or judgments of you.

Of what use is being rich, if you don’t feel in control of your life?

Of what use is being popular, if you constantly fear that you’re about to be abandoned?

Of what use is being beautiful, if you secretly fear that people only like you for your impermanent beauty?

Of what use is being talented, when you feel overwhelmed by life’s obligations outside of the domain of your talent?

Self-esteem can only be created by our choices. And the fundamental choices that create self-esteem are faced equally by people who are rich or poor, introverts or extroverts, on all points of any personal characteristic spectrum you choose to consider.

We have the choice to think and engage, or go on autopilot.

We have the choice to clarify and pursue our goals, or let someone else direct our life and energy.

We have the choice to protect and value our resources— our time, energy, expertise, experience— or capitulate to anyone’s demand that we expend our resources at their whim.

We have the choice to think about the roles of purpose and meaning in our life, or to behave as if our existence is an accidental footnote in a chaotic world.

We have the choice to take responsibility for our choices, or to focus on how we’re jerked around by circumstances and history.

We have the choice to live with radical acceptance of what is, even if we don’t like it, or to live in denial of facts that we find inconvenient or frustrating, simply because it’s more comfortable that way.

These are all choices that are 100% made internally. They don’t have to do with our age, our gender, our race, our class, or our history. Every breathing human being is confronted with these choices— and every breathing human being must live with the consequences of these choices.

It’s not the case that in order to have healthy, realistically high self-esteem, you have to make these choices perfectly. Nobody makes choices perfectly, every time.

What we do have to do, however, is approach these decisions with seriousness, mindfulness, and focus. We need to take these choices seriously. And if we’re intimidated by these decisions— which, why wouldn’t we be?— we need to seek out the kind of support and personal growth necessary to confront them without shrinking.

Don’t fall for anyone who tries to tell you self-esteem is a function of money. Or popularity. Or beauty. Or talent.

Don’t fall for anyone who tries to tell you you cannot develop healthy self-esteem because you weren’t born a certain race, class, or gender.

Don’t fall for anyone who tries to tell you self-esteem is beyond your reach because of your history.

Don’t fall for anyone who tells you you need their specific advice, guidance, personal development program, sweat lodge, triple espresso, or philosophy to create high self-esteem.

High self-esteem is not your birthright— but you can earn it. All with decisions that are free, and that you, as a human being who has the capacity to think, are eminently capable of making.

You are enough.

 

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We’ve been told, a lot, that we cannot control how other people see, hear, perceive, or understand us. This, it turns out, happens to be true.

I got an object lesson in this a couple of days ago.

No matter how hard we try to communicate clearly, no matter the pains we go through to make our ideas and intentions clear, no matter how skilled or acknowledged we are at communicating– it’s still the case that we can ONLY control our side of the communicative equation.

(And sometimes we can’t even perfectly control THAT side of the equation.)

It’s painful to be misunderstood.

The thing about it is, being misunderstood scrapes up a lot of old feelings many of us have about not being seen and not being heard. Which, of course, then tend to double back and stir up even more painful feelings about not being valued– because, well, it’s hard to feel valued if you’re not feeling adequately seen, heard, and understood.

Not surprisingly, feeling unseen and unheard over the long haul tend to contribute significantly to many people’s feelings of being fundamentally unvalued.

The psychological literature suggests people who struggle with self esteem often have histories of feeling unseen and unheard, both in their relationships and their lives. In fact, feeling unseen, unheard, and misunderstood often seem to snowball into a painful sense of alienation and isolation– not to mention, after awhile, hopelessness.

(After all, why should we keep trying to communicate, if we’re just setting ourselves up to feel unseen, unheard, misunderstood, and unvalued?)

It can be maddening. As I was reminded recently.

A couple days ago, I wrote a post on my Facebook page. It was a post about a psychotherapeutic technique called “reframing”– specifically, the difference it makes when people “frame” their struggles as meaningful or instructive, as opposed to meaningless and random.

Mind you, I explicitly avoided mention of religion, God, or any other “Higher Power,” because that wasn’t the point of the post– the point was, how we frame our life struggles is important. It informs what we’re willing to do, solutions we’re willing to consider, our entire approach to dealing with our problems.

(In fact, the principle of addressing the role of “meaning” in psychological suffering isn’t linked to a spiritual or religious tradition– it goes back to a school of psychotherapy called “logotherapy,” which was pioneered by Dr. Viktor Frankl. His groundbreaking book, “Man’s Search For Meaning,” is considered a classic in the psychological literature.)

I mean, I thought I’d been clear. I even received some initial feedback suggesting I’d been clear.

Until…I got feedback that suggested I’d somehow endorsed religion, told people to “pray” in response to psychological problems, and/or was being dismissive of people in painful circumstances beyond their control.

This was upsetting feedback to get.

I mean, I’d tried– hard!– to be clear and helpful in my initial post.

Even though the vast majority of the comments I’d received on the post were positive, feeling misunderstood by even one or two people was incredibly bothersome to me. I HATED thinking that someone was out there, thinking I was saying what she apparently thought I was saying.

Which brings me back to the beginning of this post: we cannot, as it turns out, control how others hear, perceive, understand, and respond to us.

No matter how much we wish we could.

It’s a reality we need to accept. It’s a reality I need to accept.

“Acceptance” is not the same as “liking” something, recall. I need to accept that sometimes I’ll be misunderstood; I don’t need to like it.

But I, and you, also need to radically accept this fact: being misunderstood is NOT the same thing as lacking value.

No matter how much our brains try to go through those old patterns (feeling misunderstood, feeling unseen, feeling unvalued).

We are NOT other people’s perceptions (or misperceptions, for that matter) of our words and ideas.

Can we accept that?

Can we accept that it is a certainty that we’re going to be misunderstood, and maybe even unseen and unheard at times– but that does NOT mean we, or our ideas, lack value?

It’s tough.

That old voice in our heads, that insidious voice which relentlessly seeks out evidence that we’re defective…that voice likes to latch on to it when we’re misunderstood.

That voice likes to magnify our feelings of being misunderstood, tries blow them up into big scary silhouettes on the movie screens of our minds.

It’s up to us to stand up to that voice.

Every time.

 

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Learning to set boundaries isn’t a one-and-done thing.

It’s not even a do-it-once, and you’ve-got-it-down kind of thing.

I WISH skill building was that easy. Especially withs skills as important as setting boundaries.

Sadly, however, learning to set boundaries— let alone getting good and comfortable at setting boundaries— is an ongoing project.

It’s a project that you’re probably going to be pretty bad at, at first. At least, most people are.

And why shouldn’t they be? For years, most people have been conditioned against setting boundaries. See, most people in our lives like to talk the talk of respecting our boundaries— but when it comes to us actually setting those boundaries, those other people often don’t like it. Us setting and adhering to boundaries almost always entails other people hearing “no” in some form from us, and boy, they really tend to not like that.

It’s particularly maddening, when other people in our lives claim they want to respect our boundaries and strengthen our ability and inclination to set good boundaries, and then they turn around and undermine our boundary-setting abilities. It’d almost be easier if they told us the truth: “I want to help and support you in setting boundaries…as long as that doesn’t mean you say ‘no’ to me.”

But, we work with what we have.

Here’s the thing: let yourself be bad at it. Be WILLING to let yourself be bad at it.

You’re not going to be great at setting boundaries at first anyway— and probably not for awhile.

That’s not your fault. Setting boundaries is kinda complicated, both logistically and emotionally. And that’s even before the complicating factors of how others respond to us when we attempt to set boundaries, which comes with its own collection of emotional and logistical complications.

You’re going to have difficulty determining when it’s appropriate to set a boundary.

You’re going to have sabotaging thoughts of, “Do I really need to set a boundary here? Or am I just being too whiny/sensitive/selfish?”)

You’re going to have difficulty figuring out the exact language you should use. “Do I need to explicitly state this is a boundary? Do I need to assume a very serious tone here? Should I frown? Do I need to look angry in order to get anybody to take me seriously?”

Then you’re going to have a whole series of thoughts that center around somehow controlling the other person’s reaction. “How can I make it so they’re not mad at me? How can I assure they still like me? How can I make sure their feelings aren’t hurt?”

These thoughts can be the most insidious of all, because 1) you 100% cannot control the other person’s reaction, and 2) the other person is 100% entitled to whatever reaction they’re going to have. Just like you’re 100% entitled to set boundaries in the first place.

For many people this is a whole process they go through each and every time they need to set a boundary. A lifetime of conditioning has led them to the point where setting boundaries isn’t a natural thing we feel entitled to as human beings; we’ve been convinced that it’s a thing that only selfish people do. It’s a rigamaroll. It’s a pain in the neck.

It’s no wonder many of us would prefer to remain doormats, rather than deal with the emotional and logistical hassle of setting boundaries.

And it’s going to happen EVERY TIME, you say?

Oof.

The good news is, though: it does get better.

But there is an “if.”

Setting boundaries does get easier IF you’re working on your self-esteem.

Setting boundaries does get easier IF you’re nudging closer to believing you are worthy of having strong boundaries.

Setting boundaries does get easier IF you’re developing the belief that you are more than others’ approval or disapproval of you.

Some of those are tall orders, I realize. Especially when we’ve gone for years having the exact opposite reinforced.

Again, though there’s good news: IF we’re willing to put in the leg work, IF we’re willing to be super honest about ourselves, our lives, and our needs, IF we’re willing to let ourselves be bad at something for awhile before we get comfortable and good at it…it really will pay off.

Our self-esteem really will begin to rise.

Setting boundaries really will get easier.

But we have to be willing to let ourselves be bad at it first.

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Learning new habits is often a drag.

It’s often boring. And awkward. And frustrating. Painful, in other words.

Learning new habits is especially painful when we’ve gotten really good at practicing old habits. Even if those old habits are hurting us— hence, why we’re trying to learn new habits— those old habits are habits specifically because they’ve been etched in our nervous systems by being practiced over, and over, and over again.

Our brains don’t like to be told they have to do things in a new way. They prefer old patterns. Old patterns are familiar. They’re overrehearsed. They’re even comfortable, in some ways— even as they are uncomfortable and painful in other ways.

New habits, on the other hand, require much more work, at least up front, than old habits.

They require us to level up our level of awareness— when we’re learning new habits, we don’t have the luxury of going on autopilot like with old habits.

New habits require us to take risks. After all, we know exactly how old habits work out, even if sometimes we’re not crazy about those results. The consequences of new habits are often relatively unknown— and our brains are fairly risk averse most of the time.

Momentum is a powerful thing. Objects at rest tend to stay at rest. Habits of thought and behavior that are set and rehearsed and overrhearsed, tend to endure.

When we’re starting a new habit, we’re often not good at it. We feel clumsy. We feel inadequate. And, indeed, we often are clumsy and inadequate at our new habit— we haven’t yet had the time and opportunity to refine our new habits. To get good at them.

It’s amazing how feeling like we’re bad at something makes it so easy to give up on it.

So how do we get over that hump, of feeling like we’re bad at a new habit? How do we get past that awkward stage? How do we get ourselves to stick with a new habit long enough so that it stops feeling like so much work, and begins feeling more practiced and natural?

You’re not going to like the answer.

The only way to really cement a habit in your central nervous system is simply to do it. Over, and over, and over again.

Even when it feels awkward.

Even when you feel incompetent.

Even when it feels silly.

Even when that little voice in your brain tells you that this new habit is so much WORK, how much EASIER would it be to just go back to the old habit, I mean come on, you can figure this stuff out LATER, just go back to the old habit TONIGHT, don’t you want to feel less PRESSURE right now?

Keep practicing it. Keep doing it.

Even when you’re angry you have to do it.

Keep doing it.

Even when you’re unconvinced you’ll EVER get the hang of the new habit.

Keep doing it.

Don’t think about it. Just do it.

Let yourself feel inadequate. Let yourself feel awkward. Let yourself feel angry. Let yourself feel silly. Let your nervous system throw its little tantrum that it can’t just plug along in its old, familiar pattern.

Keep doing it. Keep practicing it. Just do it.

The most profound piece of wisdom to ever come out of the Twelve Step tradition of addiction recovery isn’t about a Higher Power. It’s not “live and let live,” or “learning to live life on life’s terms.” It’s not even about getting a sponsor and consistently attending meetings, though all of those things are incredibly helpful.

The most profound piece of wisdom the friends of Bill W. ever gave the world is a succinct, three-word dictum: “Keep coming back.”

That’s the core of human behavior change. Keep coming back. Keep at it. Keep doing it.

The good news is, behavioral change isn’t complicated. It’s relatively simple. Stop doing something for long enough, and that behavior pattern will extinguish and fade away. Do something new over, and over, and over again, and it will become a conditioned behavioral response. Very simple.

Simple, however, does not equal easy.

But easy doesn’t usually equal “worth it.”

it may not be easy, as the saying goes.

It will be worth it.

Keep. At. It.

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You can’t solve an internal problem by external means.

There are plenty of problems that can only be solved by external means, of course. Our bodies need food. They need hydration. They need vitamins and minerals and sunlight and oxygen. We can only solve those problems by reaching outside of ourselves.

There is a subset of problems, however, that cannot be solved by reaching outside of ourselves, no matter how hard we try. Or, rather, they cannot be consistently, permanently solved by reaching outside of ourselves, anyway.

Anxiety. Depression. Self-disrespect. Self-dishonesty.

There are substances and stimuli outside of us that can temporarily alleviate some of the symptoms of these problems. When we’re feeling lousy, having a sugary snack often feels good. When we’re chasing our tails with anxiety-provoking self-talk, having an alcoholic drink can seem to take the edge off. When we’re feeling sad, getting lost in a movie or a book can numb us a bit.

But there’s a difference between temporary soothing, and actually solving the problems.

A lot of people don’t seem to understand this difference.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s tempting to try to reach outside of ourselves to solve our problems. It’s a seductive fantasy that there is a pill, or a drink, or a book, or a guru, or a possession, or an experience that can solve our problems for us, if only we had access to it.

Imagining there are external solutions to internal problems takes the burden off of us to solve those problems. Which, let’s be honest, is a big deal. These internal problems can seem huge, overwhelming, intimidating. We often feel incredibly small and powerless in the face of these problems.

This is why we indulge this fantasy that there’s something outside of us that can solve them. We already feel like the problem is bigger than us, beyond us; thus we only feel something outside of us, other than us, can solve it.

If only it worked like that.

The fact is, internal problems can only be solved by us.

Only we can make choices that enhance our self-respect.

Only we can make choices that are consistent with our own integrity.

Only we can make changes in our own lives that meet depression and anxiety head on and deal with the central issues involved in them. Even if we take medication to make the symptoms of depression and anxiety less debilitating (and let me be clear: antidepressant and antianxiety medication can literally save lives, and should absolutely be used if they are helpful to you), depression and anxiety remain internal problems, that can only be permanently solved by managing thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.

Only we can decide, once and for all, that we’re through leaning on the crutch of addictive substances and behaviors.

There are plenty of things outside of us that can help us solve these internal problems. Therapy. Recovery groups and fellowships. Medication. Books. Philosophies. Teachers. Spiritual traditions.

But none of these will solve internal problems for us. They’re tools. No more, no less.

A tool will do literally nothing if not in the hands of a craftsperson who is willing to use it, motivated to use it, who has invested time and attention to learning how to use it, and who understands its limitations.

Hammers and nails don’t build houses. But it’s difficult to build houses without them.

Don’t let the fact that internal problems cannot be solved by reaching outside ourselves keep you from reaching outside yourself for tools to make the task easier.

But also don’t fall into the trap of believing that you can solve an internal problem through external means.

It’s a seductive trap. But it’s an illusion.

You already have what you need to solve those problems within you, anyway.

 

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Your body often has to be certain places at certain times of the day. If you have a job, your body might have to be at an office for several hours a day. If you’re a student, your body might have to be at school for several hours a day. If you’re a parent, your body might have to be at home, interacting with and raising your kids. Depending on the kinds of commitments we’ve made and obligations we’ve accepted in our lives, our bodies have to physically be somewhere, often on someone else’s schedule.

Our minds, however, do not.

Many people fall into the trap of believing that because our bodies have committed to being somewhere, our minds need to be there as well. This is only partly true.

The whole truth is that, by and large, we can choose where our minds go during the course of a day.

Other people may be able to mandate where our bodies go, but not our minds.

One of the saddest myths about “adulthood” is that, as we “grow up,” we need to blunt our imagination. We’re told we need to stop playing “what if.” We’re told to quit imagining other times, other places, other versions of ourselves, other versions of reality that might’ve been, that might still be…just because “grown ups” don’t play make believe.

It’s definitely true that psychologically healthy, emotionally mature adults have a strong appreciation for reality. They acknowledge things as they are, not as they wish they were. Adults accept even things they don’t like, because “liking and accepting” are two different things— and even if you want to change something, you have to accept it as it is first.

That said…it’s possible to have a healthy, grounded appreciation for reality, while still using our imagination to create inside of us places, characters, and situations that can inspire us, get us through tough times, soothe us, and remind us who we really are and what’s really important.

Imagination and fantasy, in fact, can be our primary weapons in the battle all of us are waging to keep the world from crushing our spirit.

There’s a reason why movies about super heroes and space pirates and historical icons are so popular. They remove us from the here and now, where we have to cope with the problems of boredom; where we have to deal with difficult people; where we have to acknowledge that maybe our lives aren’t turning out as we’d prefer…and they place us smack dab in the middle of adventures and dramas where we can be inspired and awed and touched and edified by the actions and personalities of people who we wish we were.

The thing is…those movies don’t create those feelings inside of us. We already have those feelings inside of us. Movies are just patterns of color and sound projected on a big screen…which help evoke, bring out, the powerful emotions and motivations already inside of us.

We have heroism in us already.

We have the capacity for adventure.

We have the capacity for nobility.

The world has simply made it difficult to access on a day-to-day basis, with its demands and schedules and disappointments and obligations.

The ironic thing is, when many people do engage their imaginations anymore, they do so in ways that harm their well-being. They make up stories about themselves in which they’re inadequate; in which they’re extras in the background, instead of the star of the movie; in which events control them, as opposed to them making a difference.

Imagination and fantasy are uniquely human gifts. Dogs and cats don’t have the developed capacity we have to imagine other times and places. No matter where we’re obligated to be at any given day, we have the capacity to access fantasies and stories that remind us who we are, and what’s important to us…and the best part is, no one needs to know what’s happening inside our heads.

In both of my offices at The Doyle Practice, in Washington DC and Chicago, I have pictures up of iconic heroes. Batman, Superman, Luke Skywalker. I have them up partially because it was these characters who first taught me what it was to be a hero, how important it was to create a life that touched other peoples’ lives, to create work that would live beyond me, like those characters.

But I also have them up because just seeing those characters reminds my patients that they, too, have heroism inside them. They just need to forget, for a moment, that “grown ups” aren’t supposed to use their imaginations, and just…imagine.

You can do this any time of the day. Wherever your body happens to be. In the car; at work; at school. Consciously, intentionally think about a movie, a story, a character, who inspires you. Live in that character’s world for just a moment.

Really imagine it. Come on— you have nothing to lose.

Those characters and places and stories are there to feed you. Let them.

Are ya on the Doc’s wavelength? Then you’ll probably want to like and follow his Facebook page, and maybe even subscribe to his weekly newsletter, which compiles and links to all of the Doc’s blog entries, Facebook posts, and contains information on his upcoming events and projects. He’s also on Twitter at @DrDoyleSays. 

Our resources, as human beings, are finite. There is only so much time, physical energy, focus, and emotional resilience we have to spend every day.

Some days, we pay more attention to replenishing our personal resources than others, but the fact remains that there are limits to what we can reasonably commit to spending our finite resources on. The fact that we can’t “do it all” is not a commentary on how lazy or weak or powerless we are; it’s simply a fact.

Resources are finite, especially our own personal resources.

A consequence of the fact that resources like time, physical energy, focus, and emotional resilience are finite is that we are necessarily faced with choices about how to expend those resources. Because we can’t do it all.

Let me say that again: we can’t do it all.

How about a third time: we— you— can’t do it all.

So how, then, do we make logical, constructive choices about how to invest our finite resources? How do we make sure we’re not wasting the only currency that we, as human beings, have to offer?

I’ll give you a hint: however we make those choices, other people are 1) always going to have an opinion on how we should be spending our resources, and 2) never going to have our priorities on the top of their list of ways they’d prefer we expend our resources. They’re going to recommend, before anything, that we expend our time, physical energy, focus, and emotional resilience chasing down what they want.

I’m not necessarily saying everybody else is selfish, understand. After all, they’re just like us: they want what they want. They have their priorities. But when it comes to their strongly held opinions on what we should do with our resources, they won’t be particularly up front about that; they’ll likely couch what they want in terms of what you want. It’s tried-and-true salesmanship, and it often works.

Understand, we can take counsel from other people when deciding how to spend our resources. We can listen to their sales pitch, as it were. It may very well be the case that our priorities and their priorities may be aligned in some ways or partially overlap.

The key, however, is to avoid going on autopilot, and simply accepting other peoples’ direction simply because it’s easier than clarifying our own priorities and values. The choices we make, in the end, need to be ours, need to be in the service of us chasing our own priorities and needs and values, rather than spoon-fed to us by others who are really just chasing down their vision of the world.

Reinforcing the fact that we, not anybody else, are in charge of how we spend our time, utilize our physical energy, direct our focus, and call upon our emotional resilience, is essential not only to achieving our goals in life, but to building and maintaining strong self-esteem.

You see, our brains notice whether we’re self-directed, or whether we let other people run the show.

Our brains notice whether our resources get expended as a result of our conscious choices, or as a result of us blithely accepting somebody else’s vision.

Our brains notice how easily influenced we are by other peoples’ “sales pitches,” and what we do when someone is trying to pressure us to spend our resources as they see fit.

Our brains notice all of this, and it all becomes part of our self-concept. We develop a reputation with ourselves either as people who clarify, pursue, and defend our priorities and values, or people who surrender our visions and goals in the service of somebody else’s vision.

One of the most essential building blocks of self-esteem is autonomy. The belief that you are an individual, with your own priorities and values, and someone who is willing and able to pursue and protect those priorities and values. This is why it’s so important to be mindful and purposeful about how we expend our personal resources: our brain notices, and builds those observations into our self-concept.

Our self-esteem fluctuates directly based on how autonomous we feel, and by how consciously and self-directedly we behave.

Sometimes it’s difficult to remember that, no matter how poor we may be financially, no matter how disadvantaged or stressed or traumatized we may be due to things that have happened to us, we still have resources at our disposal. We still have time, physical energy, focus, and emotional resilience. They’re resources that can be depleted and replenished, but we all have them; and as long as we have them, we cannot escape the responsibility that comes with choosing how to use them.

Make choices that build and enhance your self-esteem. Choices that move you closer to your vision of the world. Choices that prioritize what you find important, what you value.

When someone tries to commandeer your resources for their own purposes, remember this blog. Remember these words.

You can do it.

 

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Just as we have a responsibility to ourselves to set, enforce, and reinforce our own boundaries, we have a responsibility to respect the boundaries set by others.

It doesn’t matter if we think those boundaries are too rigid or too lax; it doesn’t matter if we think those boundaries are arbitrary; it doesn’t matter if someone else’s boundaries align with our priorities or not. When someone says “no” to us in a domain in which they’re entitled to set a boundary, we owe it to them to respect that “no.”

This is sometimes easier said than done. Because we, just like everybody else, don’t like to hear “no.” Especially not in our close relationships.

Hearing “no” from people we care about, and from whom we crave connection and closeness, can be upsetting.

It can make us feel alienated.

It can make us feel lonely.

It can make us feel unloved.

There’s a particular cognitive distortion called “mind reading” that is responsible for most of the negative feelings we associate with being told “no” in our close relationships. Therapists who practice the form of psychotherapy called cognitive therapy, or cognitive-behavioral therapy, believe that our emotions are created by our habitual patterns of thinking; and that disproportionately negative emotions are created by distorted patterns of thinking. A “mind reading” distortion happens when we assume we know what another person is thinking— when in reality we don’t actually know that. We only have their behavior to go on.

When that behavior is the other person telling us “no”— setting a boundary— we often plunge headfirst into “mind-reading.” We often go down a pretty dark path with it, pretty quickly. Why would this person want to set a boundary with us? Don’t they like us? Do they hate us? ALL I WANT IS TO BE CLOSER TO THIS PERSON, WHY ON EARTH WOULD THEY SET A BOUNDARY?

For many people, it turns into a spiral of negative assumptions and beliefs about ourselves, our relationships, and our basic loveability.

The fact of the matter, however, is that where other people draw boundaries often has little or nothing to do with us specifically. They’ve chosen to set their boundaries according to their priorities and comfort zone; usually this overwhelmingly has to do with them and their past experiences, not with us.

But even beyond that: it doesn’t really matter why the person has chosen to set a boundary where they’ve set it.

It’s not even any of our business, beyond our desire to understand the needs and priorities of the people close to us.

If we truly expect our boundaries to be respected, if we truly believe that everyone has the right to set reasonable boundaries wherever they need to set them, if we truly believe that nobody owes anybody an explanation or justification of why they want or need to say “no” when they do…we have to respect that.

So how do we cope with it when we’re told “no” in our close relationships? How do we keep from plunging headfirst down a “mind reading” wormhole of self-blame and self-doubt, and keep our wits about us so we can truly respect the boundaries of others?

First, we need to recognize when that wormhole is opening up beneath us. We need to pay enough attention to our emotions and reactions to know that we’re heading down that path.

Second, we need to avoid panicking. Hearing “no” from people we care about often awakens a very primitive fear of abandonment in us, and the instinct is to run, flee from those uncomfortable feelings, or otherwise dig, dig, dig until we find the “true” reason we were told “no.”

Third, we need to be on top of our self-talk. We’re talking to ourselves, all day, every day— we usually just aren’t aware of this constant internal monologue. We only become aware of it when it becomes particularly maladaptive— and this is one of those times when we want to take a few steps back, push the pause button, and really critically evaluate what we’re saying to ourselves.

Are we telling ourselves we’re to blame for the other person setting a boundary?

Are we telling ourselves it has something to with our basic loveability, or our basic competence?

Are we telling ourselves things that will only result in feelings of defensiveness and rejection?

No one else can monitor and alter our self-talk for us— that responsibility’s on us.

The good news is, over time, if we really pay attention to how we react when others set boundaries, if we really avoid panicking, if we really stay on top of our self-talk, we can get better at handling it when other people set boundaries with us. It won’t feel personal every time. It won’t feel like a rejection or abandonment.

In time, with practice, we’ll discover that respecting other peoples’ boundaries is an essential part of not only nurturing our relationships— but also building our own self-respect and self-reliance.

It’s not easy. But it’s worth it.

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We all know enforcing our boundaries can be difficult.

This last week on the blog and on my Facebook page, I’ve discussed several of the reasons why enforcing boundaries is difficult, especially for those of us who grew up believing we’re not worthy of having or enforcing strong boundaries.

But an issue almost as difficult as enforcing boundaries, is determining what your boundaries should be in the first place.

What is a boundary, really? It’s essentially saying “no” to something. It’s setting a limit. It’s declining to do something, either in thought, word, or deed, that is not in our best interest. Setting boundaries means setting limits that keep us safe and healthy, and not allowing our priorities to get steamrolled by other peoples’ needs or preferences.

But how do we know it’s time to set a boundary? How do we know if we have the “right” to set a boundary we think we may need to set?

Because the truth is: you don’t have the right to set any boundary you feel like.

Not every limit you feel like setting is a legitimate boundary.

There are some situations in life in which we surrender at least some of what would otherwise be our appropriate boundary-setting privileges.

For example: however we feel about our jobs, we can agree that when we agree to work at a place, we’re surrendering our right to say “no” to at least some of what our bosses may ask us to do. If our boss asks us to do something that is clearly in the realm of our job responsibilities, and if we’ve agreed in advance to take on those tasks as part of our job, then we don’t get to suddenly decide to say “no.”

It’s on us to live up to reasonable requests made by legitimate authorities.

That said: many of us have also been in the position where a boss has asked us to do something that we hadn’t previously agreed to; or maybe to do it in a time frame that is unreasonable; or to do a task without the appropriate resources to get that task done.

That’s when it has become a serious boundary issue.

It becomes even more of a boundary issue if the consequences for not meeting an unreasonable demand start to outweigh anything approaching a reasonable consequence. For example, if your boss makes an unreasonable demand, gives you less than adequate resources to fulfill their request, then threatens you with getting fired should you fail.

It’s most certainly a serious boundary issue at that point.

Many people would look at that situation and say, “Well, obviously that’s a boundary issue. Why would anyone consider NOT setting a boundary at that point? Why would anyone feel weird about it, since they’re so obviously being treated unfairly at that point?”

The reason is simple: when we’re inside the bubble like that, when we’ve been conditioned and beaten down and convinced we don’t have the right to set clear, appropriate boundaries, when we’ve been brainwashed into thinking it’s really our fault if we fail to meet others’ expectations, however unreasonable, we lose a great deal of perspective on what is and isn’t fair.

This is why it’s vitally important that we all, very regularly, take the time to step back from our personal and professional lives to take stock.

To look at our lives and projects from a bit of a distance.

To take a deep breath, clear our heads, and look at what we’re doing with fresh eyes— so we can ask ourselves questions like, “Have I been fair with myself about when I choose to speak up and set boundaries? Or have I gotten sucked into caving on my boundaries, ground down, worn down?”

These questions can only be answered from an objective distance.

Understand, many people in your life don’t want you asking those questions.

They would much, much prefer you not question where and when you’ve chosen to set boundaries.

If you begin regularly taking a step back and objectively, cooly, calmly asking whether you’ve been setting reasonable boundaries, and specifically whether you should begin setting more or firmer boundaries? They know that you’re very likely going to conclude that you’ve missed opportunities to set boundaries that are important to you— and inconvenient for them.

As a rule, if there are people in your life who would be irritated that you began stepping back and asking yourself serious questions about your own boundary-setting, then it’s particularly important that you begin doing so— because you have people in your life who are exploiting you.

Seeing where we need to set boundaries can be complex. But if we’re willing to take a few steps back, take a few deep breaths, and be honest and courageous with ourselves— they have a way of becoming crystal clear.

The reason why trying to please everyone is a bad idea is not just because we’re “supposed” to consider it a bad idea.

I mean, we’ve been told that again and again over the years, right? “You can’t please everyone.” “I don’t know what the secret to success is, but the secret to failure is trying to please everyone.” In our forebrains, at least, we know trying to please everyone is a bad, impractical idea, and we’re “supposed” to reject it as a strategy for dealing with the world.

That said, we secretly indulge a lot of ideas that we’re “supposed” to reject, don’t we?

Let’s face it: while a lot of us will loudly proclaim that we’ve given up the delusion that we can please everyone, we still behave in such a way that suggests we’re still somewhat desperate for the approval and and praise of others.

We say yes when we want to say no.

We spend time with people whose company we don’t enjoy.

We stay silent when we have something to say.

In sum, we still basically try to please everyone— even though we know we’re “supposed” to give up on that project. We just don’t tell everybody that’s what we’re trying to do…even though that’s what we’re obviously trying to do.

Here’s the thing, though: you have every right to hold beliefs or indulge in behaviors you’re not “supposed” to. As long as it’s not hurting someone else, against the law, or otherwise destructive, there are no Thought Police standing guard at the gateway of your brain, making sure you don’t hold any ideas you’re not “supposed” to.

No, the fact that you’re not “supposed” to try to please everyone is not the main reason why striving to please everyone is a bad idea.

The more important reason is more basic: it just doesn’t work.

Really, it doesn’t. People-pleasing, as a long-term interpersonal strategy, pretty much fails every time it’s tried.

There are lots of reasons why people-pleasing generally fails as a strategy. Mostly it fails because we cannot predict with any kind of reliability, what actually will please and displease people. We are not mind-readers. Over time we might be able to form some general hypotheses about what might please or displease people, but in the end, we’re basically guessing. And human beings famously guess imperfectly at the whims and preferences of other human beings.

That is to say, you can try really, really hard to predict the needs and moods of the people around you, and to behave in such a way that will only please them, but you’re probably gonna get it wrong a significant percentage of the time.

And if you’ve built your identity and relationship behavior around the principle of not displeasing other people, when you do get it wrong, it kind of messes up your entire way of being in the world— if we’re no more than our ability to please other people, when we fail at that task, we’re left without a Plan B.

Trust me, if people-pleasing actually worked as a strategy, I’d be the first one to advocate for it. I’m not a fan of making life and relationships harder than they need to be. I WISH there was a way to accurately predict what other people will find pleasing and displeasing, and to perfectly conform to their expectations and preferences. That kind of mind-reading ability would certainly make my job easier, at least.

But, sadly, I, like you, am human. We humans cannot read each other’s minds. And it’s presumptuous and exhausting to try to continually try to do so.

Trying to please everyone is an ineffective strategy that has been reinforced in us time and time again by people who want us focused on their priorities, instead of ours.

Make no mistake, there are plenty of people in the world who want to keep you anxious and insecure, because it then makes you easier to control. There’s no quicker, more efficient way to control somebody than by inducing anxiety in them, and tantalizing them with the idea that that anxiety might be relieved if they only were more responsive to the needs and preferences of the person doing the controlling.

It’s not easy to give up the desire to try to please everyone. The idea of people-pleasing represents a simple, straightforward solution to the messy series of problems and micro-negotiations presented by real-world relationships.

If only people-pleasing worked. If only it were that easy.

Hang on to the idea that trying to please everyone is a workable strategy, if you’d like. I’m not one to tell you that you should surrender a dearly held belief simply because a lot of memes on Facebook say you’re not “supposed” to think that way.

But don’t hang on to it because you think it works. It does not work, 10 out of 10 times.

 

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