Author: drglenndoyle

I don’t know if “everything happens for a reason.”

You hear that a lot in personal development circles. “Everything happens for a reason.”

You hear it a lot in religious circles. “God has a plan.”

Maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not. From a metaphysical perspective, those questions are above my pay grade.

Even if we believe in God, I don’t know if we can say for sure “he has a plan.” I’ve worked with a lot of people in my career as a therapist, the experiences of whom make me wonder about any “plan” that involves as much pain, complexity, and confusion as this one supposedly being played out by a loving, forgiving God.

Understand, I’m not saying God DOESN’T have a plan, or that things DON’T happen for a reason. I’m just acknowledging that, with the perceptual limits we have slapped on us as human beings, it’s impossible for us to know such things. Which is why, I suppose, words like “faith” exist.

No. I don’t know about the metaphysical certainty or mechanics of any grand “plans” or “reasons.”

But I do know that we, as humans, have the opportunity to find meaning in our experience.

We have the opportunity to CREATE meaning out of our experience.

And the psychological research— which is more hands on and directly observable than questions of God’s plan or lack thereof— indicates that people who spend time meaningfully grappling with the question of what their experiences MEAN tend to be happier and more functional than those who neglect that question.

Does everything serve a purpose? Who knows. But we can MAKE everything that happens to us serve a purpose in our lives.

Put another way, we can try on the hypothesis that everything hat happens to us has something to teach us. It serves a purpose in that somehow, some way, everything that happens to us can help further our goals and fulfill our values.

It was once suggested to me that a belief adopted by many successful people is that everything happens for a reason, and that reason serves us.

Keep in mind, that’s just a belief— it may be true or not.

But its VALUE isn’t necessarily in whether it’s true. It’s VALUE— much like any belief— is in how it directs our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

The fact is, we don’t know if MOST of our beliefs, either positive or negative, are true.

We think we develop beliefs based on what we understand to be true or not, but the psychological research suggests that’s not actually the case most of the time.

Most of the time, we adopt beliefs not because they’re “true” as we understand them…but rather, we adopt beliefs because of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors they make possible.

Important distinction, that.

If you adopted the belief that everything happens for a reason, and that reason actually SERVES you…how would you look at your daily experiences differently?

If you adopted the belief that everything happens for a reason, and that reason actually SERVES you…how would you look at experiences of “failure” differently?

If you adopted the belief that everything happens for a reason, and that reason actually SERVES you…how might that equip you to deal with challenges in a way that people who DON’T have that belief are NOT equipped?

It might be a powerful game changer.

Don’t get hung up on whether your beliefs are true. Especially beliefs that no one, at least in this lifetime, can prove or disprove— like “everything happens for a reason” or “God has a plan.”

Trust me, no matter how much you meditate and/or pray on those questions, you’re not going to get a clear, unambiguous answer. And you don’t need one.

Focus instead on what, inside you, those beliefs make possible and likely.

What thoughts do those beliefs make it easy to think?

What feelings do those beliefs make it easy to have?

What behaviors do those beliefs make it easy to do?

By choosing your beliefs— and not getting hung up on the metaphysics of it all— you can reshape the way you deal with everyday life in some powerful, surprising ways.

 

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Sometimes the people around us are going to pull some real boneheaded moves.

They’re going to do things that we know, without a doubt, are wrong headed.

They’re going to say things that we know, with no question, are simply incorrect.

They’re going to think things that we find silly and feel things we find exaggerated.

And what’s more…there’s going to be nothing we can do about any of the above.

EVEN IF we know we’re right, and they’re wrong.

EVEN IF we know that their lives would definitely be made better if they just did what WE KNOW they should do.

EVEN IF they’ve done stuff EXACTLY like this before— against our advice, even— and produced a less than desirable result in the past.

The fact is, we simply cannot control what other people think, feel, and do…regardless of how right we might be and how wrong they might be.

It is not, in any way, shape, or form, even our JOB to try to control other people’s behavior.

Influence, yes— everybody’s always tying to influence everybody else’s behavior as a matter of course.

But control…it’s not our place to control anyone but us. (And even THAT is a dicey proposition sometimes.)

It is our job, however, to develop the emotional management tools we need in order to handle it when the people around us pull boneheaded maneuvers. When people discard good advice; when they ignore relevant examples; when they fail to heed the lessons of history.

Part of what makes an emotionally mature person, emotionally mature, is the fact that they have developed the skill of self-talk. They know when and how to talk themselves down when their impulse might be to scream at someone who is dong something boneheaded that they “should” clearly be able to avoid.

We manage our feelings by talking to ourselves.

We’re always talking to ourselves.

We may not always be fully aware of how we’re talking to ourselves, but our self-talk is always there, keeping up a constant commentary on everything around us. Making sense of the world; perceiving things; judging things; asking questions; answering questions. We are never without the conversation that happens in our head.

It sounds like a simple concept, self-talk. But it’s something that is very often ignored by most people, most of the time.

How do we handle it WHENEVER we have an impulse to try to step in when someone around is making a boneheaded move?

We have to talk ourselves down.

We have to give ourselves good, valid reasons to back off.

We have to acknowledge to ourselves that, yes, maybe it would be better if that other person would just take our OBVIOUSLY VERY GOOD advice…but we’re not that other person, and we can’t make that decision for them.

We have to talk ourselves through the feelings of anger and disappointment that are often evoked when the people around us are behaving in frustrating ways.

The difference between people who can handle it and people who fall apart when the people around them do dumb stuff is the quality of their self-talk.

Emotionally mature people learn to listen for and consciously use self-talk to their advantage.

Self-talk becomes the way they handle it when things don’t go their way— particularly when people don’t behave as they “should.”

People who don’t use self-talk particularly well…they tend to be at the mercy of the boneheaded behavior of the people around them.

They tend to be at the mercy of their own impulsivity.

Being at the mercy of boneheads and impulsivity is not a fun place to be.

So learn how to talk to yourself.

It won’t stop the people around you from pulling really boneheaded moves. But it will make it mostly their problem, and less yours.

 

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You don’t have to be “right” all the time in order to live a fun, fulfilling life.

You don’t even have to be right MOST of the time.

You don’t need to have all the answers; you don’t need to know the “truth” on a spiritual or metaphysical level; and you certainly don’t need to follow just the right guru, regardless of what some gurus might want you to believe.

You can be wrong most of the time and still have an awesome life.

IF you’re open to course correcting.

IF you’re willing to acknowledge and admit when you’re wrong.

IF you have the courage to sometimes look a little silly.

IF you don’t have too much of your self-image wrapped up in being “right.”

So much of our time and energy is expended on worrying whether we’re right— either literally, or spiritually, or in principle, or morally, or practically.

Hours and hours and HOURS we waste, worrying about being “wrong.”

It’s no sin or crime to be wrong— despite what our upbringing might have taught us.

It is maladaptive as hell, however, to remain inflexible in wrongness once it’s realized.

Do you have any idea how many people persist in an error or a misperception or mistake JUST because they’ve spent so much time being wrong?

It’s called the “sunk cost fallacy.” People figure that they’ve made so much time and invested so much energy (and sometimes money) making a mistake, that they “should” see it through…even if they’ve realized that they’re on the wrong track.

For some people it’s a matter of pride. Their ego can’t sustain the blow it would take if they owned up to how wrong they’ve been.

For others it’s a social thing. They don’t want to deal with the prospect of ridicule from their friends or social circle if they admit to being wrong.

Look, everybody’s wrong sometimes. It’s part of life. It’s even a part of SCIENCE— in fact, being wrong is kind fo the part of science that makes science valuable as a way of arriving at knowledge.

If we were never wrong, we’d never have to do the work of reexamining our assumptions.

If we were never wrong, we’d never have to think deeply about our processes and needs.

If we were never wrong, we’d never need or find value in other peoples’ input— why would we want to hear what OTHER people have to say, if we were never wrong?

C’mon.

Don’t be afraid to be wrong— even very publicly.

Don’t be afraid to look silly— even among your friends.

Developing a sense of humor and a sense of perspective about being wrong and looking silly are among the most important emotional tools that emotionally mature people will develop.

Put another way: would YOU trust a leader, a mentor, a therapist, or a sponsor who simply couldn’t admit that they were ever wrong?

Why not?

Because when people can’t admit they’re wrong, it means they haven’t developed the emotional maturity and resilience required of leaders, mentors, therapists, or sponsors.

We can take the subjects with which we deal seriously without taking ourselves too seriously.

We can even take our lives, our values, and our goals seriously without taking ourselves too seriously.

Get out there and be wrong. Make mistakes. Generate some hilarious stories you can laugh about later.

But more importantly— get out there and develop the skill of not freaking out when you’re wrong. Develop the skill of not being in denial when you’re wrong. Develop the skill of pivoting, intentionally and self-compassionately, when you discover you’re wrong.

Don’t be that person who refuses, over and over again, to admit when things have gone awry.

Live in the real world with me— where we generate real results, because we’re not afraid to admit that we’re not perfect.

What a concept, no?

 

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At The Doyle Practice, we emphasize doing the next right thing.

We literally can’t go back and do the LAST right thing.

We can’t do anything over again.

We can’t leap until the future and do the right thing a week, or even an hour, from now.

What we CAN do, all we can do, is the very NEXT right thing.

Why is that so difficult sometimes?

Well, we have brains that like to play “what if.” Our brains are magnificent machines that, unlike the brains of many other animals, can imagine alternative futures and alternative pasts for ourselves. Our brains can imagine, as well as perceive and think.

Imagination is a powerful tool.

And just like any powerful tool, it can make our projects much easier…or it can really hurt us if we use it carelessly.

If you, like me, are a fan of the self-help, pop psychology, and personal growth literature, you’ve probably heard, countless times, “anything your mind can think, you can make happen.” This idea often accompanies material about the Law of Attraction, positive visualization, or mental programming.

I think there are great, interesting things to be said about each of those subjects. I think there is validity to the idea that the things we repeatedly rehearse and see in our minds’ eyes have a greater propensity to manifest in our lives.

I think the jury is out on whether this is a true metaphysical phenomenon or a relatively unremarkable trick of applied neuropsychology related to the placebo effect, but either way, using our imagination to envision positive outcomes and greater resourcefulness is very much a skill worth developing.

The thing is, however, it’s not nearly as simple as “whatever your mind can picture, can exist.”

Your mind can picture rewinding time…but that is never, ever going to happen to you.

Your mind can picture jumping forward in time…but that, too, is never, ever going to happen.

I know. We’ve been told for decades by science fiction novels and movies that time travel is absolutely possible. There have even been documentary movies about all the rich possibilities that manipulating the space/time continuum may offer once we finally master the physics and technology involved in such a feat. Even Einstein— we’re told— was a proponent of the idea that space and time were merely constructs that had no more validity than we assigned them in our own heads.

I’m not a physicist. I can’t speak to whether or when time travel will be available for us to take advantage of. (Though I have to be honest: if it’s anything like it’s portrayed in the movies, I’m emphatically NOT looking forward to that day.)

What I am is a psychologist whose job is to help people realistically build better lives in the real world. And I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that people lose hours, days, months, YEARS to the fantasy that the images in their heads— rewinding or fast forwarding time— can be anything but science fiction.

Because you can imagine it doesn’t mean you can do it.

Even if you really WANT to.

Even if it would be SO MUCH BETTER if you COULD do it.

You can’t.

Doing the next right thing seems mundane when compared to the fantasy time travel worlds we’re capable of constructing in our heads. Our imaginations can build these fairy tale fortresses in which we don’t have to deal with the pressures or the obligations of figuring out, let alone doing, the next right thing.

Those fortresses and fairy tales and fantasies are robbing you of your true wealth and opportunities. Those exist right here, right now— in the sometimes unexciting, sometimes unglamorous, sometimes painful, sometimes pedestrian moment.

Trust me, though: doing the next right thing, instead of fantasizing about the last right thing or the right thing two or ten steps down the line…that’s what separates those who come out ahead from those who remain stuck in second gear.

Humor me. Do the next right thing.

Then the next.

And the next.

 

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There’s a reason why “just calm down” doesn’t quite cut it for most anxiety attacks.

I’m always mystified why anyone thinks “just calm down” is helpful advice. My thought about this has always been, “if it was that easy, don’t you think I would have calmed down already?”

It’s much like the advice often offered when people are procrastinating. “Just do it,” we’re told.

Really? Like that hasn’t occurred to us before?

“Just calm down” as a response to an anxiety attack is particularly problematic, for a very specific reason: anxiety attacks are fueled by a fair amount of energy. Taking a physical and emotional event that involves as much energy as an anxiety attack and asking us to just “turn it off” is like asking someone to slam on the brakes when they’re hurtling down the highway at a hundred fifty miles an hour.

An object in motion tends to stay in motion.

If you just slam on the brakes when a car is going that fast and expect to just stop, you’re going to be in for a surprise. It’s a good way to flip the car.

Your anxiety has energy. It has momentum to it. Anybody who has had an anxiety attack knows exactly what I’m talking about. The whole thing is just suffused with physical and emotional intensity.

You need to do something with that energy. You can’t just ignore it.

Anxiety attacks have multiple components, chief among them being what’s going on in our heads— what’s being seen by our mind’s eye— and the churning, driving intensity or momentum of the physiological response. Very often the former— the images, sounds, and associations happening in our heads— are what are driving the latter.

That said, once the physiological response has been started, we have to deal with the fact that it exists.

One effective way to deal with that energy is to channel it— by manipulating what’s happening in our heads.

Something that I emphasize to my patients, again and again, is that we all have movie screens in our heads. 24/7, we’re playing images and hearing sounds in the theater of our minds.

Sometimes we’re very aware of this, such as when we close our eyes to go to sleep at night.

Sometimes we’re not so aware of this, as when we’re focused on something actually in front of us in the day time. During these times, the movie screens in our heads become background noise— but they’re still operational.

When we have anxiety, one option we have is to take control of the movie screen in our mind, and change the channel.

(Okay, so maybe it’s more like a big TV screen. Think a surround sound theater, with state of the art audio and 3D technology. Either way— you have the option to change the channel.)

We can change the channel to a different set of images from those that are driving our anxiety— but we need to be conscious that we’re choosing new images that match the intensity and energy of the previous images.

Want to know why sometimes it doesn’t work to imagine, when we’re wound up, a peaceful waterfall or gentle breeze gently whispering through the leaves?

Because your body is already revved up from the previous images you had— it knows full well, from all the adrenaline and hyper-oxygenation coursing through it, that these images are incongruent with what it feels.

If you try to feed your body images that are dramatically different from what it was experiencing, energy-wise, your body’s going to know the difference.

It’ll waste no time in changing your channel BACK to the images from before, because those images are more congruent with what it’s experiencing.

Instead, try changing the channel in your head to something a little more energy-congruent with what you were experiencing.

I advised someone recently to switch the channel in his head from the images that were making him anxious, to the image of, say, him driving a race car, or him waterskiing.

Both of these were high-energy images that his brain could accept as energy-congruent with what he was experiencing— his brain didn’t balk at him switching to those channels.

Then, I had him imagine slowing the race car down; or imagining the boat towing him as a water-skier slowing down.

Those were imagines his body and brain could make sense of, images that spoke to his body and brain slowing down…without being the exact opposite of what he WAS experiencing.

It’s not the case that we ALWAYS have control over our internal movie screens.

But we have a lot more control than we think.

And if we exercise that control intelligently, that means we have a lot more control over our anxiety than we might think.

Keep this issue— energy congruence— in mind. We’re going to be talking about it a lot more on this blog.

 

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Is the juice worth the squeeze?

You only have a limited amount of time, energy, and focus at your disposal in any one day. Once you expend those resources, you have to literally wait until they replenish.

You can do things to replenish them faster, of course. Rest helps. Recreation helps. There are a subset of experiences and behaviors that feed you rather than depleting you; seeking out these experiences and engaging in these behaviors will help you return to baseline faster than you otherwise would.

But what you’re expending your precious, finite resources on…is it worth it?

The people who get the precious, finite resource of your attention…do they deserve it?

The tasks that consume the precious, finite resource of your time…are they worth it? Do they add enough value to justify the time you invest in them?

The situations into which you pour the precious, finite resource of your energy…do those situations align with your values and wants?

Understand, we don’t always get to choose exactly where our resources go. It’d be lovely if we had COMPLETE control over how we’re to spend our time— but our bosses and jobs and other commitments might have something to say about that.

Likewise, we don’t have COMPLETE control over where our energy goes. Especially if you’re a parent, you know that whether you like it or not, a great deal of energy every day will be invested in the care and nurturing of your children. There isn’t much choice involved.

The thing is— because we don’t have COMPLETE control over where our resources go, doesn’t mean we have NO control over where they go.

We still have a great deal of flexibility and choice when it comes to where we invest our time, energy, and attention.

And the fact is, not every place where we typically invest those resources is a good investment.

How many times have we caught ourselves lavishing the precious, finite resource of our attention on a situation that will only make us sad or angry?

How many times have we caught ourselves wasting the precious, finite resources of our time on things that will only make us tired and listless…and which don’t produce a commensurate level of joy or fun to offset this “cost?”

I’m not one of those personal growth teachers who is going to tell you you should NEVER expend your resources on things that aren’t directly linked to your goals. Every scrap of research and experience we have suggests that recreation and diversion significantly enhance our ability to pursue goals effectively in the real world. “Workaholism,” as a lifestyle choice, isn’t chosen by very many successful people.

(You can trust me on the “workaholism doesn’t work” thing— I’ve tried it. Repeatedly. Just doesn’t work.)

It’s okay to expend your resources. Lavish all the time, energy, and attention on whatever you want.

But be smart about it.

If you’re going to go through the trouble of squeezing, the juice should be sweet and nutritious enough to make the squeeze worth it.

if you’re going to spend time on something, it should be something that enhances you. You’re not getting that time back; it’s a one time investment. In choosing what to spend your time on, you’re choosing to make a once-in-a-lifettime investment of hours and minutes and seconds.

It should be worth it.

If you’re going to expend attention on something, it should be something that makes you feel good, not bad. Motivated, not discouraged. Supported, not defeated.

If you’re going to spend energy on something, it should come with an upside. There’s nothing wrong with expending energy— but there should be a payoff down the road.

There’s a lot of juice in this world that’s not worth the squeeze.

Squeeze, by all means.

But taste test the juice along the way.

 

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Black and white thinking is what happens when we assume things are all one way, all one thing, or the other.

No grey, no ambiguity, no wiggle room, no nuance.

It’s an exceedingly common cognitive pattern. Humans rather like to think in black and white.

Shades of grey, after all, are often confusing. They’re inconvenient.

Shades of grey are a hassle, insofar as they require us to do more thinking than stark black and white categories do.

When things are black and white, we don’t have to do the hard work of really sitting with potential contradictions; examining evidence; feeling our way around the edges of what might or might not be “true” or “real.”

Make no mistake: I absolutely believe there are black and white truths in the world. I think there are things that are true and untrue; right and wrong; okay and not okay.

Black and white do exist.

But not nearly as often, and not in as many places, as our brains like to tell us.

And it is absolutely the case that black and white thinking almost always creates more, and bigger, problems than it solves.

The “benefits” of black and white thinking— a sense of certainty, clarity, security— don’t tend to hold up the real world. Because most of the real world doesn’t fall into the category of unambiguous black and white.

Most of the time when we think in black and white, it’s not about unambiguous moral issues like murder or torture or cruelty.

Most of the time, we take those black and white thinking patterns and apply them to our own conduct— in areas where it just doesn’t work.

Many times, there isn’t a “right” answer for questions like, “what should I have done in this situation?”

Many times, there isn’t a “right” answer for questions like, “what should I do next?”

Many times, there isn’t a ‘“right” answer for questions like, “Am I good or bad?”

We wish there were black and white answers to those questions. It would make life so much simpler, more straightforward. But there simply aren’t.

We have to give up the illusion that black and white thinking can solve our problems by making things clear and true.

Our motives are very often— most often— a complex combination of factors.

Our perceptions are very often— most often— a complex mix.

There are very often no black and white answers to why we do what we do; why we want what we want; why we did what we did.

I’m not asking you to give up your search for truth or your passion for clarity. Indeed, I feel we must continue to search for what’s right, what’s true, to be clear about what matters and what doesn’t.

I’m asking you to remember that black and white thinking, when rigidly applied to our own lives, can often create more confusion, unhappiness, and frustration than not.

I’m asking you to remember that most often, you, and the people around you, and even the people from your past, exist in lighter and darker shades of grey.

I’m asking you to have compassion for yourself, instead of holding yourself to a rigid standard that human beings were not designed to be held to.

You can absolutely remain committed to truth, while acknowledging the nuances of reality.

You can absolutely hold yourself to high standards, while still remaining committed to fairness and compassion with yourself.

Be real with your thinking.

Be kind…in your head.

 

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Sometimes it’s enormously difficult to look forward and focus on the tasks ahead of us, when we’re all up in our heads about opportunities we’ve missed in the past.

The other day I was sitting across from a patient who was seething that the therapeutic tasks in front of her were essentially the same tasks that were on her plate three or four years ago.

Understand, this patient is much, much better than she was when she began therapy. Even she readily admits that the “her” of today would hardly recognize the broken, hopeless person she was when she first walked through my door.

Therapy has worked— mostly because she’s invested an enormous amount of blood, sweat, and tears in the process.

However, it is the case that this patient’s current obstacles to getting to the next level in recovery look an awful lot like the obstacles that frustrated her (albeit in much more aggressive,  dangerous ways) several years ago. They are obstacles many people who are struggling through recovery day by day will probably recognize: remembering what she already knows, and being willing and able to use the skills she already has when the situation calls for it.

As we discussed ways for her to incorporate the skills she’s learned in therapy into her everyday life so they have a greater chance of becoming second nature, my patient growled, “It’s the same stuff you’ve been telling me for years! I should have been doing this all along!”

I get her frustration.

Ironically, it’s often when we make new breakthroughs or learn new skills that we become most frustrated with what we “could have been doing all along.”

The thing is, though: COULD we have been doing those things all along?

I’m not completely sold on the idea that we could.

The reality is, we’re not ready to do what we’re not ready to do.

It may seem like we can do anything at any time, if we only got over our assorted mental blocks, buckled down, and just DID them. But it’s my experience that most people who aren’t doing a thing that they “should” be doing aren’t just stubborn or self-defeating.

They may simply not be ready to do the thing.

If we’re not ready to do something, no amount of self-reproach or internal bullying will make us ready.

If we weren’t ready to do something in the past, even if it was a thing that probably could have improved our lives or reduced our suffering, it does us no good to go back and belittle ourselves for not being ready.

Our past selves don’t need the scorn of our present selves.

How do you like the idea of your future self being reproachful of the “you” of right now simply because you’re not presently ready to do a thing?

We get a lot more mileage out of being compassionate toward our past self, and patient with our present self.

Your past self didn’t ask to not be ready to do the thing. He or she wasn’t trying to frustrate or stymie your present self. Chances are, your past self was as frustrated as you are now that they weren’t ready to do the thing.

Trust me: if I thought for a second there was any kind of merit to yelling at our past selves—or the past, for that matter— I’d be all over it.

But the fact is, no matter how much we yell at the past, it’s gone.

The river flows in one direction: forward.

Yelling at the rapids you’ve already navigated— or at yourself for how you navigated those rapids— will only distract you from the waterfalls and whitewater and whirlpools ahead.

Waterfalls and whitewater and whirlpools you’re way more prepared to navigate, may I add, having already braved those past rapids.

It’s normal to be frustrated with opportunities missed. It’s a drag that we weren’t able to seize them when we had the chance. It’d be awesome if we had been ready and able to do those things at the time.

Which makes it all the more imperative that we not miss any more chances to use what we know…every single day.

 

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There’s this temptation to think that if we don’t acknowledge a need, we won’t have to deal with it. Either needing it, or wanting it, or the consequences of its absence.

Denial is a long time leading candidate for “worst coping skill ever tried in the history of coping skills.”

It’s also a long time leading candidate for “most popular, yet ineffective, coping skill ever tried in the history of coping skills.”

Why is denial so seductive?

Well, it’s simple, for starters. As a psychological defense, denial doesn’t make you jump through the cognitive hoops that, say, projective identification (Google it) does. All you have to do to be in denial is cross your arms, close your eyes, and shake your head vigorously, and say, “That thing I know or suspect to be true? Nope. It’s not true. Nuh uh. Nyet. Nope to the nope.”

See? Easy.

Mind you, while we have our eyes closed and we’re shaking our heads so vigorously, life, like, continues to go on around us. That need we’re trying to deny and disown, that situation we’re trying to pretend doesn’t exist? They still exist.

(Spoiler, I know.)

But here’s the thing: when we’re confronted with a need or a situation that we simply don’t know what to do about, let alone how to feel about, the straight up denial often feels more manageable than having to do the sometimes tough emotional and practical work necessary to actually cope with it.

We fall back on denial not because we’re dumb, not because we’re immature, not because we’re stubborn. Most people fall back on denial because they simply don’t know what the hell else to do.

Would you like to know what to do, when you don’t know what to do? Other than close your eyes and plunge further into denial, that is?

Acknowledge that you don’t know what the hell to do.

Acknowledge it to yourself, acknowledge it to someone else. Acknowledge it to as many people as will listen, really.

Acknowledging something, even the fact that you’re completely lost and clueless, is 1000% more productive than letting the coping “skill” of denial take a crack at the problem.

Not only is admitting we’re clueless the first step to becoming not-clueless, but refusing to live in a state of denial is healthier for our self-esteem as well.

Self-esteem has a lot to do with self-honesty. It’s really, really hard to build healthy, authentic self-esteem when we’re BS’ing ourselves or others. Self-esteem doesn’t really grow well in the absence of living consciously and living with integrity.

Some people slip and and out of detail not only because they don’t know what to do, but also because they simply wish they didn’t have to do it. It’s as if acknowledging a need or a situation somehow makes it more “real,” makes it something they’ll have to actually deal with, when the fact is they’d really rather not.

The bummer is— whether we admit something to ourselves or not, we ARE going to have to deal with it.

We can deal with it on our own terms…or we can deal with it when life forces us to deal with it, usually in much bigger, messier ways.

If you’re having trouble admitting something to yourself, if you’re tempted to bliss out in a state of denial…take a deep breath. Ask yourself what’s the worst that could come from admitting something…and what’s the worst that might come of letting something fester until it is completely unmanageable, out of your control.

There’s a reason why the First Step in twelve step traditions is the admission of powerlessness over one’s addiction— because we can’t solve a problem we refuse to admit exists.

Even if we really, really don’t want to.

 

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I read a self-help guru today say that “your results reflect your commitment, period.”

How nice it must be to live a world that simple.

This is one of the big problems I have with the self-help movement today. For as much as I love the field— indeed, I would never have gotten into psychology without the self-help movement— it tends toward simplistic formulae and answers to problems that don’t acknowledge or deal with the complexity and unpredictability of life.

And why would self-help WANT to deal with the complexity and unpredictability of life, anyway? Simple, broad solutions sell more books and tapes and seminars.

Unfortunately, however, the truth is that life IS complex.

Life IS unpredictable.

Life CANNOT be adequately dealt with broad strokes that don’t acknowledge its complexity and unpredictability.

In my view, the role of therapists, sponsors, and teachers is NOT to give you simple answers that are applicable in every situation. Rather, our role is to help people accept, deal with, and cope with the fact that life is complex. It’s difficult. There are no clear cut solutions.

Life is hacking our way through wilderness.

Are our results partially a reflection of our commitment? I suppose, sure. Really committing to goals does impact the probability we’ll achieve them.
Does total commitment GUARANTEE a result? Sorry, I’m afraid not.

There’s more to it than just committing to a goal.

There’s luck.

There’s the weather.

There’s the level of energy and focus you might have on any given day. Even the healthiest, best conditioned people with the best nutrition and fitness regimens available are going to have days when they feel more vibrant and energized than others; and days when they feel sluggish and sleepy. It happens.

Then there are all the variables other people insert into the mix.

Sometimes there will be people who will appear in your path, seemingly for the explicit purpose of blocking you from achieving your goal.

Likewise, there will be people who will unexpectedly appear in your path who will help you along your journey, whose presence you couldn’t have possibly predicted or prepared for.

There are factors that impact our results like mental illness. Like trauma. Like the balance or imbalance of neurotransmitters in our brains on any given day. You cannot overcome the massive influence these factors exert on your journey simply by “committing” to your goals.

Be smart. Be realistic. Know that “commitment” may be a very important factor in your success…but it is only one factor.

How do we deal with the fact that life is complex and unpredictable, that we’re not totally in control of our own destiny?

Not by giving up or becoming discouraged. We deal with these facts by cultivating the trait of flexibility, and by realistically acknowledging that we’re going to have some days that are better than others, that we’re going to achieve some of our results and not others.

The idea that our “commitment” is the only thing that impacts our results is a childish fantasy.

There are gurus who will ask you to pay them a great deal of money so they can enable and nurture this childish fantasy.

These gurus are not your friends.

Understand: focus, commitment, and persistence are invaluable tools. It is absolutely the case that to cultivate these tools is to dramatically improve your odds of achieving your goals. I’ve written over and over and over again about how we cannot control many factors in our success, and this is the very reason we have to take control over those factors we CAN control— factors like “commitment.”

It’s a good thing to be “committed” to our goals.

But if we get it in our heads that our results are a reflection of our level of “commitment,” and nothing else, then we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment and discouragement when things don’t go our way.

Live in the real world with me.

Embrace a more useful, more realistic view of what makes for success.

Don’t be tempted to buy into the simplistic fantasies peddled by people who have little to no training or credentials in behavioral science.

You’ve got this.

 

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