Please, please, please walk your talk, for the trauma survivors in your life.

Few things trigger CPTSD survivors like the people who say they love us, or whose job it is to take care of us, not walking their talk.

This doesn’t just apply to individuals. 

It can apply to institutions who claim to love us— like churches. 

It can apply to businesses whose job it supposedly is to take care of us— like insurance companies. 

It can apply to governments and government programs, the supposed purpose of which is to help us. 

And, of course, it can apply to family members who say they love us. 

Survivors are real sensitive to whether what we’re being told is bullsh*t. 

We’re real sensitive to whether the person saying they love us, or who has committed to taking care of us, is actually doing the thing. 

Love, as it turns out, is a verb. 

If you follow my work you know I’m constantly telling survivors to start their self-love projects with concrete behaviors, even if they’re not vibing with the “feeling” part of “self love” yet. 

Many of us overcomplicate what it means to behaviorally love somebody. 

Love, the behavior, means showing up. 

It means being demonstrably concerned with helping the beloved’s needs get met. 

It means consistently refraining from words or behaviors that will hurt the beloved. 

Do the institutions, people, or families that claim to love us, actually do that? 

Or do their words and actions hurt and discourage us? 

Usually, if we can think to ask that very practical question, the answer will be clear. 

One of the core components of CPTSD tends to be relational trauma— specifically, betrayal trauma. 

Almost everyone who struggles with CPTSD or DID has experienced a relationship that did not live up to what it promised— be it with a person, a family, a church, a job, or something else. 

It’s not that we feel the need to be constantly taken care of, either by people, or by businesses, or by anyone or anything. 

It’s that when we put our faith in someone or something, when we take the risk of trusting them, let alone DEPENDING on them…we need that risk to pay off. 

The people and institutions and companies that we allow into our lives have to walk their talk. 

They have to be who and what they say they are. 

They have to do what they say they’re going to do. 

Something trauma survivors do NOT tolerate well in relationships is feeling set up or duped. 

When we feel betrayed in relationships, we very frequently default to harshly blaming ourselves for having trusted anyone or anything in the first place. 

So much of trauma recovery is about establishing realistic safety. 

It’s really hard to establish safety with a person, a professional, an organization, or anyone or anything else that does not follow through on what it promises— not with perfection, but with transparency and consistency. 

Whether you’re a therapist, a professional, a romantic partner, a clergyperson, or even an insurance adjustor, if you want a trauma survivor to trust and continue to engage with you, you need to walk your talk— and you need to be prepared for survivors to put you through your paces. 

Trust is valuable in any relationship— but in relationships with CPTSD survivors, it is even more precious. 

And we come by that honestly. 

Breathe; blink; focus.