Self-sabotage is a CPTSD symptom.

Self sabotage is one of the most common, and most frustrating, symptoms experienced by CPTSD survivors. 

That’s right: self-sabotage is a symptom of CPTSD. Not a “choice.” 

Not evidence that we don’t have our sh*t together. 

Why do CPTSD survivors seem to sabotage ourselves? What on earth does that have to do with trauma? 

Turns out, CPTSD involves a lot of symptomatology that has nothing overt to do with trauma. 

But when you scratch the surface of something like self sabotage, you very often find lurking the anxiety and scrambled self-perception that is very recognizably CPTSD. 

Trauma survivors are very used to getting the rug snatched out from under us. 

This is particularly true if what we endured was complex trauma— trauma that unfolded over time, entwined with our important relationships, was functionally inescapable, and f*cked with our beliefs. 

Many CPTSD survivors reading this had experience after experience of the rug being pulled out from under us— very often by the very people who “should” have been our biggest, most reliable supporters. 

When we have that experience over and over again, our nervous system starts to make a strong connection between getting our hopes up— and then being bitterly disappointed. 

Our nervous system then decides that maybe the best way to avoid that bitter disappointment of getting the rug yanked out from under us, is to avoid getting our hopes up at all. 

Enter self-sabotage. 

In trauma survivors, self-sabotage often functions as a “pressure valve” or “escape hatch” when things start going unexpectedly well. 

Why would we let ourselves get excited or interested when things are going well, knowing that it’s likely only a matter of time before something happens to dash our hopes again? 

Add to this equation the fact that our traumatized nervous system very often hates, hates, hates unpredictability. 

You may have heard that CPTSD survivors are “control freaks,” but I don’t believe that’s quite accurate. I think we’re “predictability freaks,” not “control freaks.” 

When things go right or well, when we start building some momentum in our lives, that necessarily introduces unpredictability into the equation— and very often our nervous system does not deal with that well. 

So: it does what it has to do to make the situation predictable. It throws a wrench in. 

Hey, better we throw that wrench into the works ourselves, rather than waiting for someone or something else to do it, right? 

Many survivors feel shame about the symptom of self-sabotage— but the truth is, no one is consciously “choosing” it. 

Trauma responses are not choices. 

They are very often attempts to self-regulate— and self-sabotage definitely falls into this category. 

The path out of habitual self-sabotage involves noticing when it’s happening, getting aware and realistic about what’s going on inside us— especially with our wounded, anxious “parts”— and being there for ourselves as we ride that anxiety out. 

It’s not easy. And it’s often not quick. One of the “benefits” of self-sabotage as a regulation strategy is that we can burn a situation down pretty quickly, thus returning to baseline. Tolerating that anxiety, on the other hand, can be a long term project. 

It’s real important we approach the symptom of self-sabotage with compassion, patience, and realism— just like every symptom in CPTSD recovery. 

We work on this symptom like we work on every symptom: moving .1% at a time toward a new way of managing painful or activating feelings. 

Grace over guilt, progress over perfection. 

Breathe, blink, focus.