Something many trauma recover resources don’t tell you, that I think they should, is that your daily life management routine and rituals and skills have got to be linked to your overall philosophy and model of what happiness is.
Because the goal of all of this is not just “symptom management.”
The goal of all of this is happiness.
A barrier I ran into in my own trauma recovery (and my recovery from addiction and ADHD) was, I felt that the tools I was developing were only useful for managing symptoms— which was fine, but also not especially motivating.
Yes, we all want to manage and reduce painful symptoms.
But “managing symptoms” is not really something that gets me up in the morning.
Digging into that, I discovered a specific fear: that if I got too good at “managing” my symptoms, everything in my life would be stable…and boring.
I know, hell of a problem to have, right?
The truth is, there are times in the chaotic sh*t show that used to be my life, that I would have BEGGED for “boring.”
It’s not that I liked or wanted drama. I didn’t, and don’t.
What I did want, though, was to feel alive.
I wanted to work on projects that mattered to me. That inspired me, that turned me on, that focused me.
And the version of life that I felt I was developing by just focusing on skills and tools was just not especially interesting.
Now, the solution to that is not to give up on tools and skills, nor to discredit safety and stability as goals. All of those are super important.
But they need to be tied to something bigger.
I don’t want you sleepwalking through your days, acceptably “managing” your symptoms, but with no bigger model of how happiness and fulfillment happen.
I want you taking time, every day, to connect what you’re working on today— the safety and stability and executive functioning stuff— with what you ultimately want.
Your big goals. Your big dreams.
And, yes, I know: trauma does a real number on our ability to dream big and to set goals and to dare to even think about what “happiness” is.
It’s anxiety provoking. And, not for nothing, we’re not taught how to do that— to connect our daily routines and decisions to the bigger picture of what creates a life worth living.
But I truly think that’s the ultimate key to sustainable recovery.
Put another way: there are plenty of resources that will teach us the “what” of trauma recovery. For that matter, the “what”— the specific tools and skills— are going to vary based on who you are, what your learning style is, and what your specific injuries and wounds are.
But the “what” of trauma recovery won’t sustain us. We’ll get bored with it. We’ll get tired of it.
We also need the “why.”
We need something to do all of this for. A reason to endure the hassle and the heartache.
What I want you thinking about, at last a little every day, is: your model of happiness.
What creates it?
What sustains it?
Because if experiencing trauma has taught us anything, it’s that life or other people are not going to come along and hand us happiness.
If we’re going to get realistically, sustainably happy, it’s on us.
Don’t let that freak you out. Happiness is like anything: it has building blocks. A formula. Those aren’t the same for everyone— but your equation is out there.
I just want you starting to think about it and ask questions about it. Even if you’re just trying to stay alive every day at this point.
Use Your Damn Skills 