No. You are not “just like them.”

I don’t mind saying it: we’re better than our abusers and bullies. 

As in, we’re better people. 

Yes, they may be wounded. 

Yes, they may have even survived trauma in their life, similar to the trauma we survived in ours. 

Did the fact that they survived trauma lead them to abuse or hurt us? No. 

Trauma or pain in one’s life does not “make” them become an abuser. 

There may have been factors that made them vulnerable to the decisions they made— but decisions were still made. 

Sometimes I’ll get pushback for asserting that we, survivors working our trauma recovery, are better than our abusers— but I stand by it. 

So often trauma survivors walk into my office, fully prepared to tell me all 2,482,200 reasons why they suck— and those same survivors often want to tell me all the reasons why their abuse wasn’t “actually” abuse, or why their abusers deserve empathy “as human beings.” 

I’ll never tell you you “have” to feel a particular way about your abusers and bullies. 

And I do believe that every human being deserves as much compassion as their pain requires. 

But that still doesn’t let them off the hook for their decisions. 

We are better than our abusers and bullies. Quote me on it. 

The fact that you are working your trauma recovery makes you better. 

The fact that you are reading this and taking it seriously makes you better. 

The fact that you are even thinking about issues of fault and responsibility when it comes to how humans affect each other, makes you better. 

Sympathize with your abusers all you want. I happen to believe my father, for all his flaws and poor or cruel choices, was a very tortured man. I have all kinds of sympathy and even empathy for him. 

And also: my choices make me better than him. 

You don’t have to believe that. But I do. 

Trauma recovery does not, actually, ask us not to judge. 

Trauma recovery asks us to judge intelligently and realistically— not in the distorted, bullsh*t way we were conditioned to judge ourselves. 

I don’t want anybody reading this to get a big head about being “better” than their abusers. That’s not the point. 

The point is to remind ourselves: what we do really does matter. The choices we make matter. How we process and respond to our pain and vulnerability, matter. 

We are not passive victims of fate or prisoners to our past, any more than our abusers were. 

Both we and our abusers had choices. 

We are choosing profoundly differently from them. 

Profoundly better. 

This post is dedicated to anyone who has struggled with the question of “am I just like them?” 

You’re not. Really.