Bandwidth and blame.

Sometimes we don’t have the bandwidth for the thing. It happens. 

Not having bandwidth for a thing isn’t a character flaw. It’s not a personal failing. 

Every human being has limits to our focus and energy. That’s not a rationalization; that’s just a fact. 

But we trauma survivors like to shame ourselves for the sin of being human, don’t we? Yes we do. 

(Well…we don’t “like” to do it. We are conditioned to do it. Shaming ourselves for being human and having human limitations, just like all the other humans, is a reflex for many of us.) 

Not having the bandwidth or energy to do a thing isn’t a sin, or a “failure,” or even necessarily a “choice.” 

And if we’re going to realistically recover from trauma, we’re going to need to get out of the habit of giving ourselves sh*t for being human. Because that— being human— is something that is not changing anytime soon. 

The limits on your bandwidth and focus and energy, specifically, may or may not be “normal” as far as many humans go. Among humans who have CPTSD, there is a significant overlap with humans who experience chronic pain and chronic fatigue. 

But, guess what? It’s STILL not a sin to have limited bandwidth, focus, and/or energy, even if those limits aren’t necessarily “normal.” 

Maybe your gas tank runs out before most of the people you know. It’s STILL nothing to be ashamed of. It’s STILL nothing to give yourself sh*t for. 

So you sometimes, or a lot of the time, don’t have the bandwidth to do the thing. And? 

No matter how energetic or exhausted you often are, or you are today, you STILL deserve the benefit of the doubt. 

You STILL deserve compassion and support and patience— from others, yes, but also very much from yourself. 

That limited bandwidth is a symptom. 

That reflex of giving ourselves sh*t for that limited bandwidth is a symptom. 

And in sustainable CPTSD recovery, we do not shame or blame ourselves for symptoms— even if that’s what comes “naturally,” even if it feels “right,” even if we think we “deserve” shame or blame or punishment. 

So you don’t have the bandwidth to do the thing. So what. 

Do what you can, with what you have. 

And don’t give yourself sh*t for not being able to do more right now.