By the way: most “shoulds” are bullsh*t.

“Should” is a trap. 

It’s also one of Trauma Brain’s most reliable tools to make us feel like garbage— so Trauma Brain goes to it a lot. 

We think “should” should— ha!— be useful for us. 

We think “should” should help us live a good life. 

It seems simple enough, right? In order to live a life we like, we “should” do certain things, and we “should” avoid certain things. That’s reality. 

But that’s not really how Trauma Brain weilds the word “should.” 

Trauma Brain, the internalized voices of our bullies and abusers that we unwittingly play on a loop for decades, wields the word “should” like a weapon. 

Most trauma survivors’ self talk is absolutely RIDDLED with “shoulds”— and many of those shoulds are not demonstrably attached to a realistic, desired outcome. 

Many of us are so used to thinking in “shoulds” that we can’t even imagine the alternative— as in, how would we ever get stuff done if we reeled in the “shoulds?” 

It’s a fair question, but let me ask you: does thinking in “shoulds” tend to motivate you or discourage you? 

For most of us, “should” does far more to exhaust and discourage us than it does to motivate or focus us. 

A lot of this comes down to how trauma survivors have been conditioned to think about our goals, values, and the future. 

If you haven’t noticed, CPTSD does a serious number on our ability and willingness to even think about any of these. 

CPTSD tends to be VERY good at convincing us that it’s pointless to set goals; that we’re incapable of meaningfully living congruently with our values; and that the future is only going to be the same kind of sh*t show our past has been. 

Consequently, using “should” as a way to guide us toward goal directed, values congruent, or future oriented choices, goes out the window— because we’ve been conned by CPTSD to not think of or invest in those things. 

So we’re left with “shoulds” that just kick the sh*t out of us for no reason. 

“Shoulds” that just remind us that we’re falling short. 

Realistic trauma recovery requires us to use the tool of self-talk to really reel in the role “should” plays in our emotional life and decision making. 

That said, it’s real important we not turn “reeling in the shoulds” into another f*cking “should.” 

What I want you to do is just notice. Just notice the role “shoulds” are playing in your self talk. 

Then, inject what I call the “should buster” question: “Why?” 

If a “should” is legitimate, it will have a coherent answer to WHY you “should” do or not do something— an answer that is demonstrably linked to your goals, values, or future. 

If a “should” is Trauma Brain bullsh*t, it’ll probably try to shame you for even asking. 

Notice that. 

And start seeing Trauma Brain BS (Belief Systems) for what they are— propaganda tools. Not instruments of reality or recovery. 

Breathe; blink; focus.