It’s not our fault that we came to believe we had to “earn” love.
We should have been loved in such a way that we truly believe we deserve it.
But— what happened, happened.
Our brain loves to make what happened about us— but the truth is, we couldn’t have done our parents’ jobs for them if we’d wanted to.
It wasn’t our job to teach ourselves about love.
It wasn’t our job to teach ourselves we are worthy.
We don’t know what any of that is or means when we’re kids.
All we know is what we feel— and we believe what we feel.
Neither you nor I were abused or neglected because we were “unworthy” or “unlovable.”
There was nothing we did, or could have done, to “deserve” what happened to us.
It’s pretty f*cked up, how many people com through childhood believing we have to “earn” love— but believing that we somehow effortlessly “caused” our abuse or neglect.
Nether you nor I “caused” or “allowed” our pain.
Recovery means accepting that— which is harder than it sounds.
Accepting that we got enormously unlucky is very, very unsatisfying.
But— that’s what happened.
We didn’t choose our parents, and we didn’t choose the environment we grew up in.
And because of our conditioning, many of our choices since them weren’t exactly “free,” either.
None of this is easy to wrap our head around.
But that’s okay. It doesn’t all need to happen today. Acceptance is a process, more than a “choice.”
Today just start with: it was not on you to “earn” love.
It’s not your fault that you still feel you have to “earn” love.
Tell your “parts” and your inner child that they are lovable and loved (even if you don’t quite feel that self-love yet).
We can’t change the past, or how the past shaped our nervous system up to this point.
We can change our nervous system going forward— with what we say to ourselves, how we direct our mental focus, and how we leverage our breathing and physiology, today.
So: breathe; blink; and focus.
Repeat as needed.
Use Your Damn Skills 