We only ever “let go” of the past in increments.

If there was a dramatic, one time “letting go” technique that let us “let go” of the past once and for all, believe me, I would tell you all about it.

I very much wish there was one. 

I very much wish “letting go of the past” was as easy as all those people who tell us to “let go of the past” seem to think it is. 

But— it’s not. 

People who tell us to “let go of the past” don’t actually understand the injury of complex trauma. 

It’s not us who won’t “let go of the past.”

It’s the past that won’t let go of us. 

No survivor is out there right now voluntarily ruminating on the past. 

No trauma survivor is out there right now cheerfully cataloguing ways they’re going to “let” their past interfere with their attachments and relationships now. 

No survivor is out there right now gleefully anticipating how they’re going to “let” their past make them anxious, tense, and inexplicably angry around their superiors at work. 

That is: no survivor “hangs on” to the past. 

Those who have survived complex trauma find ourselves impacted by the past— and in trauma recovery, we intentionally set out to learn how we were impacted, and crafting daly habits of self-talk and mental focus to negate that impact. 

People don’t understand: complex trauma, by definition, unfolds over time. 

That means that complex traumatic stressors had hundreds of opportunities to make a dent in our nervous system. Hundreds of opportunities to condition and program us, over years. 

That conditioning doesn’t just disappear with a one time “decision” to “let go of the past.” 

Trauma recovery is about daily reconditioning and reprogramming— first and foremost, of our beliefs about and behavior toward ourselves. 

That’s a day by day by day task. Not a dramatic, one time thing. 

That’s why I keep saying: recovery is a lifestyle, not a goal. 

Recovery IS the overall tool we use to realistically craft a quality life. 

Don’t look for or hope for or bank on the dramatic “letting go” moment where you can leave all this behind. 

Instead, focus on the minute by minute micro choices, especially in how you talk to yourself; focus your attention (the sliver of attention you can influence, anyway); and utilize your physiology, especially your breathing. 

We let go of the past in increments— and those increments look like teeny, tiny changes in behavior. 

Breathe; blink; focus.