How to handle it when Trauma Brain makes you feel “crazy.”

You are going to run into a bunch of stuff in this CPTSD recovery journey that won’t seem to make a lot of sense. 

You’re going to run into memories that don’t seem to fit in with the rest of your life story. 

You’re going to run into feelings that seem wildly disproportionate to anything you’re thinking or anything that’s happening to you right now. 

You’re going to run into reflexive relationship behaviors that leave personal and professional bonds you value in tatters. 

You’re going to find yourself twisted up in knots over self-care behaviors, even down to bathing and brushing your teeth, that other people seem to take for granted— and you’re going to have no earthly idea why. 

One of the frustrating things about struggling with complex trauma is, so much of what we’re dealing with is just outside of our conscious awareness. 

The conditioning that is ruining our life is mostly implicit— that is, we don’t wake up every morning and “decide” we’re going to think, feel, and do things that kick our own ass. 

Trauma responses are not “choices.” 

The very nature of conditioning is that it grooms us to think, feel, and do things without thinking, without choosing, and often in opposition to what we actually want or value. 

The reason why I keep using the term “Trauma Brain” is to drive home the fact that what can look to others like “choices” are not, actually, being “chosen” by us— they’re conditioned responses installed by the abuse and neglect of our bullies and abusers, often years or decades ago. 

Our conditioned trauma responses may very often sen “crazy” to us. 

So many survivors have the experience of thinking, feeling, and doing things that seem to have absolutely nothing to do with what we actually want or value— and having absolutely no idea why. 

That’s how conditioning works. Trauma Brain is coercive, by definition— even if we seem to be “doing it to ourselves” in the absence of any obvious external threat. 

When we’re caught in cycles of thinking, feeling, and doing things that we don’t understand and seem to be ruining our life, it’s temping to get frustrated with or aggressive toward ourselves. 

Again and again and again I’ve met survivors who berate themselves for their symptoms or their choices— which doesn’t seem to have any affect on what they think, feel, or do. 

I’m going to ask you, no matter how frustrated you are with yourself, to try to reel that in. 

I’m going to ask you to not call yourself “crazy.” 

I’m going to ask you to not try to shame or punish yourself out of these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that, I know, I understand, don’t seem to have anything to do with who you actually are or what you actually want for your life. 

The core of trauma recovery is rebuilding— or maybe just building for the fist time— a safe, supportive relationship with ourselves. 

That means, no matter how incomprehensible our thoughts, feelings, or choices are, we don’t flip over into shame or self-punishment. 

If we want our nervous system, our endocrine system, our “parts,” our subconscious mind, and our inner child to work with us, instead of against us, we need to make the inside of our head and heart a safe place for ourselves. 

That is: we can’t have our own body and mind living in fear or expectation of an attack from the inside out. 

“Self trust” and “self love” may seem like kind of fluffy, abstract terms, but in my book, they are fundamental to CPTSD recovery— and they are only created when we engage with our own thoughts, feelings, and behavior with compassion, acceptance, and patience. Even— especially— when we don’t like our own thoughts, feelings, or behavior. 

Yes, you’re going to run into plenty on this recovery journey you won’t quite understand, that will confuse you, annoy you, exasperate you. 

I’m going to ask you to do something hard with all of that— something your abusers and bullies would NEVER do. 

I’m going to ask you to accept it. 

Not like it, not love it, not give up on changing it— but accept it. Radically accept it all. 

What’s more: I’m going to ask you to validate it. Validate where those “crazy” thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are coming from, anyway— the pain and survival needs that gave birth to this thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 

If you really want those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to start working with you instead of against you, if you really want to understand and transform them— begin by accepting and validating them. 

Just try it on. See how it feels. 

Drop the rope, as we say in Twelve Step recovery. 

Breathe; blink; focus.