Spoiler: you are going to run into plenty of people out there who want to do nothing but criticize.
You’re going to run into plenty of people who will have nothing constructive to contribute to your trauma recovery journey.
You’re going to run into plenty of people who can and will do nothing but project their own conflicts and history onto everything you say or do.
Not “maybe.” It will happen.
I wish everybody we meet would be understanding and supportive of our trauma recovery journey— but they won’t.
I wish everyone who felt the need to insert their voice into our trauma recovery efforts used that voice to be supportive or, at the very least, raise questions in constructive ways— but they won’t.
What’s actually going to happen is, some people we meet along the way will be negative.
Not “negative” in the sense that “everything that isn’t blindly, over the top enthusiastic is ‘negative;’” but negative in the sense of, they will find something in literally everything to criticize.
Don’t get me wrong: everybody is entitled to their own attitude and their own energy. Neither you nor I get to tell them how to conduct their life or respond to what they’re experiencing today.
And we definitely don’t need the people in our life to be unwaveringly, unrealistically, or toxically “positive.” Toxic positivity, in fact, can be a b*tch of a trigger for many trauma survivors.
This isn’t even about “negative” versus “positive” people, per se.
This is about who we choose to let into our circle and let into our head in trauma recovery.
Trauma recovery is the hardest thing most of us will ever do in our lifetime.
Most of us will feel overwhelmed by what trauma recovery asks of us at multiple points in our journey.
Many of us will struggle with feelings of hopelessness and helplessness along the way— the voice of Trauma Brain telling us we can’t do this, and we shouldn’t even bother trying.
While we don’t need toxically positive people in our life to help balance out Trauma Brain’s BS (Belief Systems), we do need to limit, to the extent we’re able, our exposure to people whose reflexive negativity reinforces Trauma Brain’s propaganda about everything we “can’t” do.
We need to realize that many people’s pessimism about whether trauma recovery is possible or realistic for us is rooted in their own pain and past experiences, and has little or nothing to do with us.
I believe, strongly, in having people in our life and inner circle who will be real with us and tell us the truth.
But part of being real and truth telling is being real and telling the truth about what we CAN do and what IS possible for us— not just the rough stuff.
The further I get into my own recovery, the less patience I have for people who are only here to complain and blame and shame.
Most of us trauma survivors have had enough complaining, blaming, and shaming from the people who hurt us and the people who enabled them.
We need people around us now who will support us in undoing the bleak, toxic conditioning that was programmed into us over years.
It would be great if everyone we met fit that description.
Unfortunately, they won’t.
Remember: that has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.
Mental focus, along with self-talk and physiology, is one of the core components of every trauma recovery tool that works.
To the extent that you can today— even if it’s just a little— leverage your mental focus in ways that realistically support your recovery. Whether or not the people around you understand or care what you’re doing or what you need.
Use Your Damn Skills 