In working our trauma recovery, we have to make the deal with ourselves that ALL of our thoughts and feelings are acceptable.
We have to commit to not attacking, shaming, punishing or abandoning ourselves over ANYTHING we think or feel.
Our commitment to self-protection and self-love love has to be radical. Absolute.
Mind you: we are not always going to FEEL loving toward ourselves.
We are not always going to FEEL acceptable to ourselves.
I’m not saying we always need to FEEL accepting or loving toward ourselves. We won’t. We can’t force feelings.
But acceptance and love aren’t just feelings. They are behaviors— behaviors that comprise the backbone of sustainable trauma recovery.
What do we DO when we accept someone, wholly?
We create space for them in our life that is safe— and to which they have access without strings.
This is what we need to do for ourselves— no questions asked. No exceptions made.
What we DO when we love someone?
We nurture them. We are kind to them. We protect them. We give them the benefit of the doubt .
We have their back.
This is what we need to do for ourselves— no questions asked. No exceptions made.
The biggest threats to our self-love and self-acceptance tend to be things we think or feel.
Every single day we are going to think and feel things that we judge to be unacceptable, and which we believe make us unlovable.
If we only feel acceptable or lovable to ourselves when our thoughts and feelings are acceptable and lovable, we are going to develop deep anxiety— and deep shame.
It’s real hard to work a sustainable trauma recovery when we’re wrestling with deep anxiety and deep shame.
Why do we get so hard on ourselves about things we think and things we feel? There are many reasons, most of which have to do with our trauma conditioning. We’ve been programmed to echo and deepen our bullies’ and abusers’ attitudes and behaviors toward us.
We don’t choose our thoughts and feelings— we experience them. And the fact that we don’t choose them often triggers shame for trauma survivors, because we believe we “should” have complete “control” over what we think and feel.
The fact that we DON’T have complete “control”— or even all that much control, some days— over what we think and feel very often activates old, shame-bound conditioning.
We don’t have “control” over our thoughts and feelings. We can, over time, develop INFLUENCE over what we think and feel— but that starts with a recognition that we don’t “choose” our thoughts and feelings.
Our “choices” become relevant in our RESPONSES to what we think and feel— what we do next, AFTER we become aware of a thought or feeling.
So what does this mean for our daily Recovery Supporting Rituals (RSR’s)?
Make a ritual out of asking the Recovery Supporting Question (RSQ): what would self-acceptance look like, right here, right now? If I radically accepted myself, my thoughts, and my feelings, what would I DO about it? How would I talk to myself? What would would I mentally focus on right here, right now?
Likewise, an RSQ that can become a useful RSR is: if I loved myself, really loved myself, what would that look like, right here, right now? How would I talk to myself? What would would I do? What would I NOT do?
Recovery Supporting Questions and Rituals are how we operationalize otherwise abstract concepts like “self acceptance” and “self love.”
I’m all for feeling acceptance, love, and other warm and fuzzy feelings about ourselves.
But I’m more interested in how we create and support those experiences through our consistent behavior.
Easy does it. Breathe; blink; focus.
Use Your Damn Skills 