drglenndoyle

Consistency and recovery.

There is zero shame in struggling with consistency in our trauma recovery. 

Everybody struggles with consistency. I struggle with it. 

It doesn’t mean we’re not committed. It doesn’t even mean we’re not focused. 

What it means is that CPTSD tends to jerk us around a lot. Hijack us. 

If you’re reading this, you likely know exactly what I’m talking about— what it feels like to be a puppet on a string. 

One minute we can be more or less okay— then we get yanked in the direction of anxiety. Or depression. Or self-harm urges. 

There might not even seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. No particular trigger. 

Realistic, sustainable trauma recovery requires a lot of attention to our self-talk, our mental focus, and our physiology— and it’s real hard to consistently pay attention to what we’re saying to ourselves, what we’re focusing on, and what our body is doing, when we’re getting jerked around by triggers and memories. 

That’s not our fault. Nobody reading this “chooses” to get hijacked by trauma memories and trauma responses. 

Our job is to not overreact to our difficulties being consistent. 

To not overinterpret it. 

To not tell ourselves a story about how it means we “can’t do this.” 

Our job, when we struggle with consistency in our trauma recovery, is to be compassionate and realistic with ourselves. 

Maybe even gentle with ourselves. 

Maybe even (GASP) FORGIVING of ourselves, for struggling with consistency. 

What a concept, right? 

Don’t get up in your head about it. Consistency is hard. And it’s especially hard when we have CPTSD f*cking with us. 

When you get off track, push pause, breathe, blink, focus…and just do the next right thing for your recovery. Just get back on track when you can. 

Consistency is a long game. 

Keep coming back to center. To your recovery goals and your recovery values. To your recovery self. 

Easy does it. Breathe; blink; focus. 

drglenndoyle

Conditional value isn’t “love.”

People who only value you as long as you’re playing along with their narrative, don’t value you. 

They value your function— as “evidence” that their story is true. 

This happens all the time in abusive or neglectful families. 

The minute you stop playing along with their story, their attitude and energy toward you changes. 

These are often the same families that claim “family should come first” or “family is everything.” 

If “family should come first,” then why is their positive attention contingent upon you affirming them as “good parents?” 

If “family is everything,” then why do they blame and shame the family “scapegoat” over and over again instead of taking responsibly for their limitations? 

Their own behavior proves their words are empty. 

Here’s the thing: we don’t need “perfect” parents. 

No one reading this is hurting because our parents weren’t “perfect.” 

No one reading this is “mad” because our parents weren’t “perfect.” 

What we needed were parents who were trying. 

What we needed were parents who were attuned— or, at least, doing their best to attune to us. 

CPTSD and DID do not result from “imperfect parents” or childhood pain that “everybody” experiences. When you hear someone say some version of “everyone has childhood trauma,” they are wrong.

It’s not easy to know we weren’t, or aren’t, valued by the people who were supposed to love and protect us the most. 

And it’s very easy to assume, to believe, that it was somehow our fault. 

It wasn’t. 

It wasn’t on us to “make” them love us. To be “lovable” enough for them to do what parents are actually supposed to do. 

It wasn’t your fault. 

And it’s still not. 

So they only value us conditionally, instrumentally. So what. 

What they do or don’t value, what they can or can’t do emotionally, has zero to do with us. Less than zero. 

I wish I didn’t have to say any of this, and I wish none of it applied to you or me. 

But here we are. 

And we have the option of creating a life going forward that has nothing to do with them. 

Breathe. Blink. Focus. 

It’s a long walk back to Eden. Don’t sweat the small stuff. 

drglenndoyle

Why compliments can be tricky for trauma survivors.

To many trauma survivors, compliments often are not compliments. 

To many trauma survivors, compliments feel like traps. 

They feel like setups. 

They feel like someone trying to get us emotionally vulnerable. 

It doesn’t particularly matter how sincere the compliment, or how trustworthy the complimenter— compliments can trigger us. 

To understand what’s going on, you need to know that many CPTSD survivors only ever received backhanded compliments growing up. 

For many of us, the people closest to us only ever complimented us for the purpose of somehow making us feel bad. 

Do you know what a “neg” is? 

A “neg” is a manipulation tactic, wherein someone gives you a backhanded compliment for the purpose of kicking you in the self-esteem. 

Why would somebody do that? Because many people— and especially trauma survivors— will respond to that kind of thing by feeling a need to earn that person’s respect or approval. 

That is: “negs” work because they evoke a “fawn” trauma response. 

Do you know the kind of psychological harm that results from a parent “negging” a child, over and over again, at some of the most developmentally sensitive periods of that kid’s life? 

Actually, I suppose you might. 

Anyway— compliments often feel suspicious to us. And we come by that skepticism honestly. 

We’ve come to understand compliments as potential manipulation. 

We’re not “choosing” to be “difficult” about compliments. We’re not “ungrateful.” 

We’re not trying to push people away— though sometimes pushing people away does feel safer, doesn’t it? 

That sensitivity to compliments won’t last forever. Though many of us do struggle with wondering when the other shoe will drop, or when we’ll be “found out” for the “imposter” we are, for awhile. 

Don’t get up in your head about it. 

Just work your recovery today. 

Self-talk, mental focus, physiology. Micro choices. 

(I’d tell you “good job,” but…you know.) 

drglenndoyle

Hero in a crisis; struggly on a Tuesday.

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re real good in a crisis. 

Maybe calm, maybe decisive, maybe organized. 

CPTSD survivors very often keep our sh*t together when the sh*t hits the fan. 

Which makes it all the more mystifying why we sometimes can’t keep our sh*t together when, you know, everyday life happens. 

So many trauma survivors get so frustrated when “everyday” things trigger us. 

Sometimes we don’t even know what triggers us— all we know is, nothing seems to be happening that “should” be activating us. 

And yet, we’re activated. 

Why can we keep our sh*t together and be absolute heroes in a crisis, but Tuesday kicks our ass? 

First thing’s first: it’s not your fault, and it’s super common. 

We trauma survivors have lots of experience managing life-or-death situations— or, at least, stations that feel like life or death. 

When our sympathetic nervous system locks in, everything else falls away— which, by the way, is how that system was designed. 

Our nervous system is supposed to let all the peripheral stuff slide when it’s time to survive. It evolved to turn down the noise, so we could focus and function. 

What we’re not so good at, though, is managing the psychochemical hangover that follows sympathetic nervous system activation. 

When we get triggered, that state of activation and focus is mediated by neurotransmitters and hormones that produce alertness and energy when they’re surging through us- but which leave us exhausted and flat when they filter on out. 

It’s a literal hangover. And it definitely feels like a hangover. 

Do you know anybody who feels and functions well while hung over? I don’t. 

Not everybody does well when their sympathetic nervous system is activated. People who haven’t experienced trauma after trauma, in particular, often don’t know what to do when they feel that surge come on. 

But we know what to do, don’t we?

Many of us have been living with sympathetic nervous system activation on the daily for years. 

So we’re good at managing it. They’re not. 

But, the flip side also applies: the “muggles” feel more calm and focused when their parasympathetic nervous system kicks back in— but we trauma “wizards” often experience that as anxiety provoking.

After all, we “know” that another stressful situation is just around the corner— so we can’t afford to be hanging out with an un-activated sympathetic nervous system, can we? 

All of which is to say: there are lots of reasons why we’re good in crises— but we’re confused and disoriented when we don’t have the adrenaline and cortisol flowing. 

Part of trauma recovery is getting good at functioning, no matter what our nervous and endocrine systems are dong in the moment— which takes patience, realism, and self-compassion. 

You know— like every other trauma recovery skillset. 

Breathe; blink; focus. 

drglenndoyle

Quit trying to make self-punishment work.

Stop trying to make self-punishment work as a trauma recovery strategy. 

It doesn’t. 

And you’re not the first trauma survivor who’s going to make it work. 

You’re DEFINITELY not the first trauma survivor to TRY to make it work. 

We trauma survivors really love that idea— that we’re going to punish ourselves into feeling and functioning better. 

Of course we love it. Punishment is very frequently how our behavior was “managed” growing up. 

Many of our most formative experiences revolved around punishment— and not just at home, either. 

My father was a dangerous, addicted, narcissistic man, and many of my damaging early experiences involved him— but many of them also revolved around peer group bullying I experienced for years (and years), primarily at school. 

Abuse at home— physical, verbal, and emotional— and bullying at school are punishing experiences. They’re painful experiences, inflicted by someone else, that shape our behavior. 

And even when we’ve left those experiences behind, we often pick right up where our abusers and bullies left off, in trying to shape our own behavior via punishment. 

Maybe it’s what we feel we “deserve.” 

Often it’s what we feel we “need.” 

We just cannot imagine a world in which any force other than pain or threats or humiliation shapes our behavior. 

Many survivors reading this truly think the only way we realistically manage or adjust our behavior is through shame, pressure, or humiliation. 

Understand: it’s not our fault we think this. 

We’re just doing what we know. We’re using the “tool” we have, that was programmed into us. 

The truth about punishment, at least from a behavioral science perspective, is actually pretty well-established: punishment does not change behavior. Not long term. 

If punishment reliably changed behavior, crime recidivism rates would be very different— but they’re not. 

There are two was punishment DOES change behavior: it makes people sneaky about behavior they’re not “supposed” to do; and it makes people resent whatever entity is dishing out the punishment. 

So what happens when we’re the ones punishing ourselves? 

It means “parts” of us get “sneaky”— that is to say, we’re way more vulnerable to dissociatively “hiding” things from ourselves. 

It also means we come to resent ourselves. 

Does that sound like a combination that is supportive of trauma recovery? 

I understand: the urge to punish ourselves can be strong. I struggle with it, especially when my behavior falls short of my values and goals. 

But we need to resist. 

Self-punishment is a distraction from our goals. It’s a layer of stress and self-conflict we don’t need and we can’t afford in trauma recovery. 

Quit trying to make it work just because it’s familiar. 

Breathe; blink; focus. 

drglenndoyle

You don’t have to chase. You are the prize.

You don’t have to “chase” anything. 

You don’t have to chase people. 

You don’t have to chase validation. 

You don’t have to chase status. 

You don’t have to chase any of it, in order to be worthy. 

Lots of us grow up believing we really had to “chase.” To “hustle” our way to worthiness. 

Many survivors reading this right now honestly don’t believe we’re worthy unless we’re producing, or achieving, or earning. 

The chase has been so ingrained in us, that to even consider giving it up feels dangerous. 

How on earth could we be “worthy” if we’re not hustling for it? 

Why would anybody like us, let alone love us, if we’re not “productive?” 

Here’s the thing: I love striving. I love goals. I love high standards. 

I love setting a goal and working toward an achievement. I find goal setting and achievement fun and interesting. 

But the only reason I can find that kind of thing fun and interesting now, is I quit staking my entire self worth on it. 

I stopped chasing. 

And it’s a good thing, too, because I was f*cking exhausted from the chase— emotionally and physically. 

The emotional exhaustion that comes from chasing peoples affection in particular is brutal. 

It never lets up, even if and when somebody tells us they love us. 

Turns out: if we think of love as something we necessarily have to “earn,” we’re never going to be secure in it— because in that model, love disappears if we happen to be too exhausted or compromised to keep hustling for it. 

Realistic trauma recovery requires a perspective shift when it comes to chasing, namely: we no longer chase. 

We don’t chase to “prove” our worthiness, or our desirability, or anything else. 

We are, actually, the prize. 

Yes, I’m talking to you. You are, actually, the prize. 

You don’t need to chase. 

You don’t need to “earn.” Not the basics, not respect, not safety, not dignity. 

Anybody who makes you FEEL like you have to chase those things down, to “earn” those things, is only going to reinforce Trauma Brain’s messaging about the conditionality of safety and worthiness. 

F*ck that. 

You don’t chase. 

You attract, in your authenticity. 

Put it on repeat. 

drglenndoyle

Mile One is not Mile 26– but it counts.

The fact that we’re not where we want to be, in trauma recovery or in life, does not negate how far we’ve come. 

And by the way, even if “how far you’ve come” is having gone one day without harming yourself or otherwise relapsing, you have the right to be proud. 

Every long term recovery starts with twenty four hours— and every twenty four hours starts with one hour. 

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re at least sort of, kind of, maybe, considering trauma or addiction recovery, or you’re looking for things worth thinking about when it comes to making your trauma or addiction recovery realistic. 

That’s not nothing. That’s progress. 

So— even if you’re at the very beginning of the process, you’re not at Square One. Truly. 

And but also, you’re almost assuredly not where you want to be. 

No shame. I’m not where I want to be in my own trauma and addiction recovery. 

I’m not where I was, either— and both of those things are true and meaningful. 

The fact that we still have changes to make, doesn’t mean we’ve done nothing. 

Trauma Brain, the internalized voices of our abusers and bullies, is going to try really hard to get you to think these overgeneralized, back and white terms. You know what I’m talking about. 

Trauma Brain is going to try, hard, to convince you that because you’re not where you want to be, because your life kind of (or really) sucks on multiple levels, then you’re “nowhere” in this recovery thing. 

Or that what you have done in recovery— up to and including reading these words— “doesn’t count.” 

My ass, it doesn’t count. 

Sustainable trauma recovery asks us to think not in black and white terms, but in realistic shades of grey. 

Sure, we’re not where we want to be, where we think we “should” be. 

But that doesn’t mean we’re nowhere. 

That doesn’t mean what we HAVE done in our recovery— up to and including these words— “doesn’t count.” 

I run marathons. And I can tell you that after running Mile One, every marathon runner is acutely aware that we have 25 miles left to go. 

But that doesn’t mean Mile One “didn’t count.” 

If I have to run 26.2 miles, I’d rather have run one mile than not. 

The fact that we’re not at the finish line, not where we want to be, not where we think we “should” be, means that we still have work to do, still have goals to focus on. 

But it does not mean we’re still at the start line. 

Radically accept where you are in this “trauma recovery” marathon— not because you want to stay where you are, but explicitly because you DON’T want to stay there. 


Breathe; blink; focus. 

drglenndoyle

Post traumatic self-esteem: an anti-bullsh*t operation.

One thing realistically raising our self-esteem is NOT about, is bullsh*t. 

Sometimes trauma survivors can get tripped up when trying to raise our self-esteem, because we think that we have to say or think nice things about ourselves that we don’t really mean. 

Raising our opinion of ourselves seems to us to be inauthentic, because we just don’t believe those nice things. 

The good news is, I can assure you, actually raising our self esteem, especially after we’ve experienced trauma, has absolutely zero to do with bullsh*tting ourselves. 

For that matter: not only does bullsh*tting ourselves NOT build self-esteem— it actually tanks our self-esteem further. 

Raising self-esteem doesn’t really have much of anything to do with gassing ourselves up. 

It’s true that sustainable trauma recovery does require us to quit using the tool of self-talk to beat the living sh*t out of ourselves— but that doesn’t mean we need to turn around and start saying things to or about ourselves that we don’t mean. 

Real self esteem is never, ever built on bullsh*t. 

What it is built on, is living consciously. Living responsibly. Living with integrity. 

None of that requires bullsh*t— in fact, quite the opposite. 

When we are bullsh*tting ourselves or other people, we are way afield of integrity and personal responsibility— and our self-esteem very often pays the price. 

I don’t know who sold us on this lie that self esteem was about approving of everything we do, or saying things to our about ourselves that we don’t really mean— but whoever it was didn’t know the first thing about self-esteem in the real world. 

To actually build or rebuild self-esteem after surviving trauma, focus on being present and making decisions that align with your values— not the preferences or desires of other people. 

We build real self-esteem when we quit blaming ourselves for sh*t we had no control over— and lying to ourselves about how we somehow caused our own abuse or neglect— and shift our focus to things we CAN influence (not “control”— key difference) now. 

We build real self esteem when we get OUT of the habit of checking out when triggers hit. 

We build real self esteem when we commit to radically accepting ourselves, just as we are— even as we work to change aspects of ourselves or our lives we don’t love. 

That’s what real self-esteem is about: living life on purpose, not on default. 

(If you’re interested, my thinking about self-esteem was heavily influenced by a psychologist named Nathaniel Branden, whose writing I can’t recommend highly enough). 

Yes, building self-esteem does require us to quit attacking, harming, or abusing ourselves like our bullies and abusers did. 

But it does not ask us to pretend to be or do anything that we’re not. 

We build self-esteem by getting MORE real, not by saying or doing things because we think we’re “supposed” to. 

drglenndoyle

Sacrificing self harm, so we don’t become the “sacrifice.”

Trauma recovery is going to ask us to do some hard things— no all of which have to do with confronting trauma memories & feelings. 

Some of the hardest things trauma recovery asks us to do, are the things it asks us to not do. 

For example: trauma recovery is going to ask us to not harm ourselves. 

That’s harder than it seems for a lot of survivors. 

For a lot of survivors, harming ourselves is what we’ve been trained to do. It’s what we’re used to doing. 

For some survivors, harming ourselves is the only way we’ve found— yet— to change how we feel. 

For many survivors, self-harm is what we’ve been conditioned to believe we “deserve.” 

Yet: trauma recovery is going to ask us to not do that. 

Why? Not because we’re “bad” for doing it. 

It’s because trauma recovery is fundamentally about reshaping our relationship with ourselves to be safe and sustainable— and it’s hard to build a safe, sustainable relationship with someone you’re harming. 

It’s also because, as we get deeper into trauma recovery, we start to understand that we’re still carrying around younger versions of who we once were — “parts” of us— in our head and heart, and it very frequently scares and hurts them if we harm ourselves, even as a self regulatory strategy. 

I know better than most that not harming ourselves is sometimes not so simple or easy, any more than giving up other addictions are simple or easy. 

Self harm can be a deeply ingrained behavior pattern that we’ve come to rely on. I’ve known people who have considered self harm their only “friend,” in exactly the way I once considered my substances and behaviors of addiction as “friendly” and familiar. 

But self harm is something we just cannot take with us into recovery. Not if we want it to be realistic, not if we want it to be sustainable. 

Trust me, I know what Trauma Brain is saying to you right now. 

“He just doesn’t get it.” 

“He’s just saying that because it’s what therapists are supposed to say.” 

“He doesn’t know you, maybe you’re the exception, the one survivor who can recover while hiding your self harm. F*ck that guy.” 

(Believe me: you’re not going to be the one survivor who figures out how to drag their self harm habit into recovery. You’re not The Exception, any more than I am.)

Trauma recovery is about thinking, believing, feeing, and doing unfamiliar stuff— and also giving up some stuff that is familiar, but which communicates to our “parts” and inner child that we are “deserving” of pain. 

Ultimately, self harm imitates our bullies and abusers. 

And we’re done with that noise. 

We need to sacrifice self harm— so our recovery does not become the sacrifice. 

drglenndoyle

Nope. Not “stupid.”

That thing you think or feel, that you keep telling yourself is “stupid?” Is not stupid. 

There is nothing you can think or feel that is “stupid.” 

What we think and feel is just what we think and feel. No more; no less; no shame. 

Why do we hurl those labels at ourselves? “Stupid?” “Childish?” “Pointless?” 

Mostly because we’ve had those labels hurled at us. Sometimes over a long period of time; sometimes by people who claimed to “love” us.

We’re doing what we saw modeled. 

It’s true that we can, and often do, think and feel things that get in the way of our goals. 

Sometimes we think and feel things that make us feel not so great. 

Even those things aren’t “stupid.” Or “childish” or “pointless,” for that matter. 

If we’re serious about trauma recovery, we’re going to have to get out of the habit of mocking or dismissing or disparaging what we think and feel. 

Even when we don’t understand it. Even when we don’t love it. 

Here’s the thing: we don’t think or feel the things we think or feel on accident. 

They all make sense. 

They’re all tied to something important. 

Even the ones that seem “stupid” or “childish” or “pointless”— they’re important. They’re hooked into “parts” of us that are important. 

I don’t love everything I think or feel. There’s actually a lot that I think and feel that seems to work against my goals, that gets me behaving in ways that almost sabotage myself. 

It took a long time to get out of the habit of attacking myself when that happened. 

Our nervous system, our “parts,” our inner child— they’re not trying to sabotage us with the thought and feelings they throw our way. 

They’re just experiencing what they’re experiencing. They didn’t ask for those thoughts or feelings any more than we did. 

Meet thoughts and feelings you don’t love with acceptance and patience and realism. 

For that matter, meet the “parts” of yourself you don’t understand or love with acceptance and patience and realism. 

I’ve said it before: the quality of our trauma recovery is the quality of our relationship with ourselves. 

And good relationships are not built by hating on the things the person we’re trying to have a relationship with thinks or feels.