Use Your Damn Skills

My addiction is like a ghost. 

It’s there, but I can’t see it. I can’t touch it. 

But I can hear it. 

It’s always just behind me, whispering in my ear. 

Sometimes it whispers so quietly that I forget that it’s there, and I think my addiction is me, just “normal” thoughts I’m thinking. 

But it’s not. It’s its own thing. 

“Wouldn’t it feel better if you were high? 

“You don’t have to feel this way. Pop a couple pills, and you’d feel so much better.” 

“No one needs to know.” 

“You’re never going to feel good on your own again. You know that, right?” 

“You’ve damaged your brain and nervous system too much. You’ve wrecked any ability you ever had to feel good naturally. You NEED to pop pills now to feel good. There’s no use denying it.” 

“You’ve lost any ability you might have once had to navigate the world without pills. Maybe you once had a chance to develop into a strong, independent person; but that ship has sailed long ago. At this point you need all the help you can get.” 

My addiction doesn’t seem to tire. It doesn’t sleep. It doesn’t take breaks or vacations. 

When things go well, it’s there. 

When things go not-so-well, it’s there. 

Literally all it does is come up with arguments for why I should use. 

And it knows all my buttons. 

It knows what I care about; it knows what I’m afraid of; it knows what memories and regrets are virtually impossible for me to think of without pain. 

My addiction is patient. 

And it is cruel. 

My addiction finds ways to blame me and confuse me. Things that couldn’t have possibly been my fault, my addiction finds ways to convince me were my fault. 

And in standing up against my addiction, I am always alone. 

People may want to help; people may love me; people may want me to succeed. 

But they’re not in my head. They’re not there behind me in the middle of the night. 

My addiction is. 

And nobody understands what that’s like. Not really. Even if they want to. 

My father was one of the smartest, most willful, most intimidating, most memorable people I’ve ever known— and he couldn’t stand up to his own addictions. 

I’m not half the man my father was. 

“What chance do you think you have?”, my addiction whispers to me right now, as I write this. 

“Do you think writing about it’s going to help?” 

“Nobody’s going to save you. You may hold out for a night, or a week, or a year, or a couple years. But I am more patient than you are. I will always be here.” 

“For you to win, you have to be strong and lucky every night. I only have to win once— and then you have to start all over.” 

I’ve lain in bed, my breathing sufficiently slowed by overdosing of opiates, that I’ve realistically wondered if I would wake up if I fell asleep. 

My opiate usage has resulted in constant, high pitched ringing in my ears that may never go away. 

My nervous system has never fully recovered from the chills and sweats that occur when you stop long term opiate overuse. Nobody can give me an answer about whether these symptoms will eventually go away. 

“Wouldn’t it be easier just to use, and feel a little better for the rest of your life? After all, you’re going to die at some point, and all this effort will have been for nothing. You’ll have given up using for what, to be able to say you quit using? Is it worth it?” 

I’ve learned not to argue with my addiction. 

For as much talking as it does, it’s not interested in a conversation. 

It’s not interested in my comfort. 

It’s not interested in anything other than getting me to use. 

I wish I’d never felt the warm rush of pleasure and comfort that I first felt when using opiates. 

The memory of that feeling has become a thing that has haunted me on the brightest day and in my darkest nights. 

And maybe it’ll win someday. 

But not today. 

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It’s really important to remember that having symptoms doesn’t mean we’re not making progress— and that making progress doesn’t mean we’ll never have symptoms. 

This morning, I had a panic attack. 

I’m a pretty self-aware person. My skillset and toolbox for handling emotional and behavioral reactions and struggles is pretty extensive. My job is literally teaching people how to do this. 

I’m also someone with a history of having been abused and bullied, and who has struggled with depression, anxiety, and addiction. 

This morning, I wasn’t in particular danger— what had happened was, I had unwittingly gotten entangled in a situation that vey suddenly triggered intense fears and memories. 

My nervous system responded as human nervous systems respond when it detects a threat— particularly when the threat feels familiar. 

I’ve worked with people who get enormously frustrated when they experience symptoms like panic attacks. 

They assume that if they’re freaking out, despite there being no “actual” danger, all the work they’ve done must not matter— because they’re having a moment where they’re struggling. 

It doesn’t work like that. 

There is nothing we can do, no progress we can make, that will GUARANTEE that we’ll never have symptoms again. 

What our work on ourselves is supposed to do, however, is better equip us to handle triggers when they do come along. 

In my own situation this morning, I realized fairly quickly what was going on— and while it was still unpleasant and inconvenient, it didn’t lead down the self-destructive rabbit hole it might have years ago. 

There WAS a time when, confronted with the anxiety I experienced this morning, I would have done essentially ANYTHING to escape from that state— including things that were not safe or healthy. 

The way anxiety and panic attacks work is that they hit you seemingly out of nowhere— and in your rush to feel “in control” again, you frequently swing to an extreme that, paradoxically, creates even more problems or a bigger crisis. 

However, when we’ve taken the time to work on ourselves, put words to our struggles, and assemble a coping toolbox and skillset, we don’t have to swing to that compensatory extreme. 

We can realize what’s going on, and return to baseline— relatively faster, and without having damaged our life, health, or relationships in a rush to change how we feel. 

All of which is to say: it IS worth it to continue working on your coping skills. 

It IS worth it to keep working on your emotional expression and regulation skills. 

The goal is NOT to banish anxiety, or even panic, from your life forever— but to furnish you with the tools and skills to realize what’s going on, not ruin your own life by trying desperately to escape those feelings by any means necessary. 

Do I wish I could be free of anxiety forever? Sure, if that’s an option, I suppose. 

Is the fact that, as a trauma survivor and recovering addict, I will probably never have a day that is ENTIRELY without anxiety, a bummer? Yes. Yes, it is a bummer. 

But I will tell you that it is much less of a bummer than it was before I had sufficient tools and skills. 

It is much less of a bummer than it was before I had done work to gain psychological insight into what triggers me. 

And if I have to endure these symptoms and struggles as the price I have to pay in order to do this work that I find so rewarding and fulfilling? It’s worth it. 

I wish I hadn’t had a panic attack this morning. I wish the trigger to which I was reacting didn’t mess with my head like it does. 

But I did have a panic attack, and that trigger does mess with me. 

I’m not thrilled— but I accept the necessity to keep working on that issue…and my responsibility to help my body and brain feel safe, day by day. 

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We procrastinate because we associate pain with a task. 

That really is where procrastination begins and ends. 

There are different kinds of pain we associate with tasks— and moving past procrastination requires us to get curious about how we are associating pain to the task we’re putting off. 

Sometimes the pain is something abstract. We think a task will be boring. 

Sometimes the pain is acute. We think the task will actually hurt, either physically or emotionally. 

Sometimes the pain is in the meaning we associate to a task. We put it off because of what we think it will MEAN if we go ahead and do it. 

In the past, I’ve very frequently procrastinated doing paperwork— and the stumbling block in my own head has largely been that problem of “meaning.” 

There is a part of me that associates doing paperwork not only with boredom— but with coercion. 

Very often when I “have” to do paperwork, it FEELS like I’m being MADE to do something I wouldn’t otherwise do— something I don’t find gratifying, something I’m doing only because somebody else is MAKING me. 

Consequently, I find excuse after excuse to put the paperwork off. 

It’s my brain’s way of declaring independence— of proving that I don’t HAVE to do anything I don’t want to do. 

Of course, there are things that we more or less HAVE to do— at least, if we want our lives to function smoothly. 

I can’t be a psychologist and avoid paperwork. 

The key to getting around this mental block— the equation “paperwork equals coercion”— is to remind myself that the truth is, no, I don’t actually HAVE to do paperwork. 

I only HAVE to do it if I want to keep being a psychologist. 

I can go ahead and have my feeling of complete freedom and independence— IF I’m willing to sacrifice my identity and career as a psychologist. 

You might say, that doesn’t sound like much of a choice— and I agree with you, it’s not much of a choice. But the REASON it’s not much of a choice is because I value my identity and career as a psychologist…thus I CHOOSE to do things, like paperwork, that I might not otherwise be enthusiastic about doing. 

I’ve thus reframed paperwork from a thing I’m being FORCED to do, to a thing that I CHOOSE to do…because there’s something I care about involved. 

This is the basic roadmap to dealing with procrastination. 

We have to shift the MEANING of what we supposedly HAVE to do, to something we are CHOOSING to do…because there is something we value on the line. 

I’ll be the first to concede that this mental process is much easier described than done. 

Especially when we’ve grown up in over controlled environments— such as high control families with demanding, unpredictable parents— we can get very touchy when it comes to issues of control and freedom later in life. 

Many people really will kick their own butts “proving” they don’t HAVE to do anything: abide by deadlines, do paperwork, pay taxes, follow rules. 

But the price of “proving” our freedom and independence is often damaged careers and relationships. 

Life doesn’t have to be such a dramatic tug of war. 

Get curious about what the “pain” is you’re associating to the thing you’re putting off. 

Then start a dialogue with yourself about whether there might be other ways to view it. 

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Over time, stress and trauma distort our very sense of self. 

You know that feeling of, “I don’t know who I am anymore?” That’s what I’m talking about.

That happens because we’ve had to divert so much focus and energy toward survival and basic coping over a long period, that we’ve not had the opportunity to focus on or develop ourselves. 

The things that we need to do to feel secure and confident in our identity, or to grow as a person, are virtually impossible when every waking hour of our day is occupied with our attempts to survive under stress. 

This very often happens when were’ living in a stressful situation day after day. 

It’s common when people are dealing with a prolonged illness. 

It’s common when people are in a situation where they are being abused by a partner, but are unable to leave the relationship. 

It happens when people are in an exploitative relationship with a cult or other high control group, which they are unable to leave without consequence. 

It even happens when people are immersed in a highly stressful work environment or working multiple jobs at once— and unable to walk away because they need the financial security. 

In each of these situations, people feel forced to remain in the stressful situation— and the demands of the situation leave little or no room for developing themselves as an individual, independent from their interaction with the stressful circumstance. 

Over time, people slowly start to realize that they don’t recognize themselves anymore. 

It becomes difficult to remember the last time they took time for themselves. 

They can’t remember what they used to enjoy. 

When you’re living in a chronic, high-stress, high-demand situation that you’re unable to leave, symptoms of depression start to creep in over time…but you’re often too “busy” handling your daily load that you literally don’t notice. 

Then, one day, something happens that makes the entire situation grind to a halt. 

Sometimes the depression actually breaks through to your awareness, and you become aware of how miserable you are…and have been. 

What’s more, though, you have this weird feeling that you can’t quite remember who you are and what you’re all about. 

Some people describe literally not recognizing  themselves in the mirror. 

Managing stress and avoiding high control situations when we can is about more than general health or wellness. 

If we don’t want to literally lose our very personalities in the stress and trauma, we NEED to cultivate self-awareness and the assertiveness to set limits with people and institutions. 

Even in situations, such as a chronic illness, where you can’t walk away from your chronic stressor, we need to cultivate the kind of self-awareness that will allow us to understand what’s happening, when it is happening. 

The truth is, we NEED to take time to remember who we are. 

We NEED to take time to grow and heal as individuals. 

We NEED to carve out an identity and life for ourselves separate from what we do or what our current situation demands of us. 

Remembering who we are, and giving ourselves time and oxygen to grow and heal, isn’t optional— especially when we are under chronic stress and at risk for complex trauma. 

The good news is, taking care of ourselves can be a day by day project, to which we attend with simple, straightforward actions. 

Remembering and saving ourselves is not complex. 

But it does need to be done on purpose. 

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Effectively coping with the fact that life isn’t fair depends on our ability to accept the fact. 

We are absolutely going to have things happen to us that are not fair. 

We are going to experience consequences we do not deserve. 

We are going to experience pain we could not prevent, and which we shouldn’t have to endure. 

We are going to have people say things about us that are inaccurate. 

We are going to have people assume they know what we’re thinking and what motivates us, when they don’t. 

We are going to have people respond to us not as we are…but as we exist in their heads. 

These aren’t hypotheticals. They are GOING to happen. Many of them have probably already happened to you. 

When we are treated unfairly, we often feel very powerless. 

We can feel incredibly angry at the basic lack of fairness we are experiencing. 

We can feel sad and hopeless at the lack of justice that we’re experiencing. 

We can feel incredulous at the untruths that some people are willing to spread, and other people are willing to believe. 

All of these emotional reactions can sometimes come together and almost seem to paralyze us. 

In order to continue functioning DESPITE all of these potential emotional reactions, we have to be both straightforward and patient with ourselves. 

We have to be clear about the fact that we may not get what we deserve. 

We have to be clear about the fact that other people may think erroneous things about us indefinitely. Maybe they never will actually change their minds. 

We have to be clear about the fact that, even if we KNOW and are COMPLETELY CONFIDENT about the truth, that many people will never hear or accept that truth…despite our best attempts to get it out there. 

Does the fact that life is not fair, that we are being treated unfairly, that we are being forced in to positions we SHOULDN’T be forced into, mean that we can’t be effective in any way? 

It does not mean that. 

The truth is, even in the face of massive injustice, we CAN be effective. 

Even if our voice is not being heard by some people…it is being heard by other people. 

Even if we cannot directly right the wrongs that are being inflicted upon us…our efforts to work toward justice do have meaning. They do have consequence. 

We need to keep speaking our truth. 

We need to keep working toward justice— even in a broken, imperfect system and world. 

We need to do what we can to give attention and comfort to others who might feel that their voices “don’t matter” in the face of massive injustice. 

We need to continue to live our mission as best we can…even if there are people and organizations out there specifically devoted to thwarting our mission and purpose. 

We need to work toward institutional and cultural change…which will only happen as people have experiences that change their perspective, change their minds, and open their hearts. 

We can help people do all of that…even if just in small ways. 

Do not let unfairness knock you off of your game. 

The world IS unfair— that’s why it needs you. 

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Trauma has a way of making us hate ourselves. 

It can make us hate our bodies. 

It can make us hate our personalities. 

Particularly when we’ve been abused over and over again, especially in relationships, we often wind up blaming ourselves for what we’ve been through, sometimes harshly. 

This is what trauma does. It messes with our ability to perceive and respond to reality. 

Healing, then, is about being able to see reality clearly again— and respond to reality effectively. 

Something a lot of people fail to understand is that pain that we experience over and over again, over a long period of time, causes us to erect walls around us. 

it causes us to push people away. 

It causes us to withdraw into ourselves. 

And the thing is: that’s not weird. Of COURSE pain makes us withdraw. 

When you touch a hot stove, your first impulse is to draw your hand back. To withdraw. To get as far away from that pain as possible. 

But what if you’re not able to get away from that pain? 

Your brain handles inescapable pain by distorting reality itself. 

By dissociating and depersonalizing. 

Is it any wonder that trauma survivors often don’t recognize the person in the mirror as themselves? 

Many times they’ve had to deal with years and years of pain being the central fact of their existence. 

The kind of mental backflips your brain has to do to deal with constant, unremitting pain and fear result in a fracturing of reality. 

We consequently wind up unsure of and anxious about everything. 

We don’t think we can trust our senses to tell us the truth. 

We don’t think we can trust our brains to tell us the truth. 

And that person in the mirror? How do I even know that’s what I look like? 

This is a phenomenon described by people who have experienced all kinds of trauma, from abuse to addiction: when the look in the mirror, they don’t recognize— and often hate— the stranger looking back at them. 

Healing from this kind of trauma involves recognizing it for what it is. 

It involves being willing to relearn how to deal with the world— even though stepping away from our defense mechanisms can be horribly anxiety provoking. 

If we’re going to heal, we need to accept that our body and brain did everything they could to handle the pain and trauma we had to endure. 

We have to accept that we’ve done nothing to deserve our own hatred. 

Even if we’ve pushed people away; even if we’ve sabotaged ourselves; even if we’ve developed psychological defenses that create more problems than they solve. 

Sometimes the hardest part of recovering from trauma is acknowledging its full scope. 

It’s not easy to admit the many ways trauma has wrecked us. 

It’s very saddening to acknowledge how badly trauma can damage our relationship with ourselves. 

What happened to you wasn’t your fault. How your brain and body responded to it wasn’t your choice. 

Forgive yourself for your reactions and responses during times of pain, confusion, and stress.

Get on your own side. 

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One of the real game changers in my own healing journey was realizing that I couldn’t leave the question of “what does it mean to be happy, anyway?” up to chance. 

For years, I didn’t do a lot of serious thinking about what it meant to be happy. 

I knew that there were things that felt good and that didn’t feel good. 

I knew there were experiences I liked, and those I didn’t like. 

I knew that there were people and relationships that made it easy to feel good…and there were definitely people and experiences that made it really easy to feel terrible. 

But, really, I viewed myself as more or less at the mercy of the universe. 

I didn’t think of happiness as a thing that had identifiable building blocks. 

I mostly thought of happiness as the right set of external circumstances. 

I figured I’d be “happy” when just the right combination of things happened “to” me. 

i figured I’d be happy when I got the right girlfriend. 

Or when I had the right level of financial security. 

Or when I had the right degree or job. 

After all, that’s pretty much what the culture tells us about “success,” isn’t it? That people who “succeed’ have “won” life by getting the right career, the right romantic partner, the right level of control over their time…right? 

Surely, people are happy because they have the “right” stuff happen TO them…right? 

That’s what I thought. 

So I chased things. I mostly chased experiences and people. 

Much of my life was spent trying effortfully to have sexual and relationship experiences that I figured would surely make me happy. 

Then I added chasing “better living through chemistry”— my father’s euphemism for drugs— to the list. 

I was always trying to come up with the right combination of things to experience and feel that would result in that elusive condition: happiness. 

You can probably guess how successful all that was. 

As long as I expected happiness to happen “to” me, i was going to come up short. 

Sex feels nice. Drug highs feel nice. I still enjoy both— though I’m at a point of self-awareness that I realize I need to tailor my appetite for both if I’m to survive my 40’s, let alone be “happy.” 

We have to STOP thinking of happiness as something that will happen “to” us or as something that various experiences will “give” to us. 

We have to START thinking of happiness as something we can potentially experience even if NONE of the things we THINK will make us happy, will make us happy. 

I think everyone’s mileage for what makes them “happy” will vary. What results in happiness for me will not necessarily result in happiness for you. 

But I am confident that what you and I share in common, is the fact that lasting happiness will not result from even the perfect combination of external “stuff.” 

Even if did— stuff can go away. Stuff can be taken away. 

I’m not interested in “happiness” that can be yanked away on a moment’s notice. That’s a recipe for anxiety, maybe even paranoia.

I want happiness that I am responsible for and capable of generating myself. 

I want happiness that is the result of me having chosen my values, and living my values. 

I want happiness that is created by my approach to the world. 

I want happiness that I could hypothetically create even if all that external “stuff” went away. 

Yeah. Tall order, I know. 

But the moral of the story is: don’t count on stuff or experiences to make ya happy. 

They may feel good. 

But that minute after they stop feeling good is worse than not having them in the first place. 

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It doesn’t matter what we are TOLD by other people— it’s how we are TREATED by them, that we remember. 

We’ve all had the experience of being told “I love you” by somebody…then having been treated by them in an unloving way. 

Many of us have had the experience of being assured that our opinion is important to someone…and then had that someone behave as if our opinion was not at all important. 

During childhood, many of us had the experience of being told that we were “special”…and then being treated as if we were expendable. 

We often form fundamental beliefs about ourselves based on how we are treated, and how other people behave toward us— especially when we’re young. 

If we are neglected, we may come to believe that we don’t matter. 

If we are abused, we may come to believe we are responsible for the pain in our lives. 

If we are berated, we may come to believe that we are stupid or bad. 

How we are treated growing up also informs our beliefs about the world and other people. 

If we are bullied when we’re young, we may form the belief that other people are mean, and we can’t trust them. 

If we are taken advantage of, we may form the belief that the world is not predictable or safe. 

If we are expected to do things in school that we aren’t equipped to handle because of a learning disability, we may form the belief that the world is overwhelming and confusing— and we can’t keep up with it. 

None of this is about “blaming” our past for our current limiting beliefs. 

It’s about being realistic about where those beliefs come from— so we can be realistic about changing them now. 

We have certain beliefs that FEEL like they are the rock solid truth. 

We have certain beliefs that FEEL like we acquired them out of nowhere— we’ve just always believed them. 

We have certain beliefs that FEEL like we couldn’t change them, even if we really wanted to (and sometimes we really, really DO want to)!

We need to realize that our beliefs are most often our brain’s best attempts to make sense of the things that have happened to us. 

That’s it. 

It’s our brain trying to make logical sense of a life and a world that— let’s be real— often doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. 

You probably have beliefs that are holding you back and causing you pain. Most of us do. I know I do. 

Once we accept that our beliefs aren’t rock solid, set in stone, or infallibly accurate, though— then we can get to work on realistically changing them. 

I’m not a big fan of psychotherapy that spends lots and lots of time chipping away at the past. 

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with looking at and talking about the past in therapy— it’s often important and necessary in order to heal. 

I just think that we need to spend at least as much time looking ahead— creating our present and our future— as we do rehashing the past. 

We are not who we were. 

We are who we choose to become. 

We can choose which beliefs serve us, and which beliefs don’t. 

We can choose which beliefs reflect who we are and the life we’re trying to create. 

We don’t need to defend our old BS (Belief Systems) if they are not serving us. 

Giving up old beliefs takes the courage to poke holes in our old belief systems, and being willing to experiment with unfamiliar beliefs that may not feel as “real” as our old, well-worn beliefs. 

But you have courage. 

And I know you really want to move on. 

So let’s do it. 

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Of course, memory is imperfect. 

Of course, it is an interpretation of events, not an exact record of them. 

Of course, what we remember is shaped by our subsequent experiences. 

Of course, what we remember is shaped by our preexisting beliefs (not to mention the beliefs we develop after the fact). 

All that is true. Research into memory tells us that it is potentially malleable and faulty. 

Research also tells us it is alarmingly easy for people with influence over us to implant “false” memories. 

However: the fact that memory is imperfect does NOT mean that the only reason you’re hurt by your memories of the past is because you have “selected” a “disempowering” interpretation of events. 

People have used the fact that memory is imperfect for decades to try to persuade victims of trauma and abuse that their recollections are unreliable. 

Victims have subsequently come to believe that what they endured “must not have happened.” 

They’ve come to believe they are “crazy” or “making things up.” 

Predators have used the defense that “memory is unreliable” when trying to convince others, including legal authorities, that their victims should not be believed. 

I’ve worked with hundreds of trauma survivors, and one of their most common struggles is trusting themselves that they experienced what they experienced. 

I’ll be the first to tell you: memory is imperfect. What you experienced may not have gone down exactly as you think it went down. 

But I’ll also tell you this: the idea that people who struggle with post traumatic symptoms are “making up” their recollections or symptoms for attention is absolute nonsense. 

Believe me: no one wants the kind of attention you tend to get for having trauma symptoms. 

No WANTS the the abuse, neglect, or trauma they remember to be true. 

Therapy is not a process of discovering what’s true. I hate when people get into therapy and think that they’re on a fact-finding mission.

It’s not that you don’t or can’t discover truth in therapy; it’s that therapy isn’t the kind of tool that is well-suited for that. 

Therapy is about healing. It’s about restoring functioning. It’s about picking up the pieces of a life that’s been shattered. 

There are those who will tell you that the reason you’re suffering is because you are “interpreting” your life experience in a way that is “disempowring.”

They’ll blame you, in other words, for your suffering. 

That’s not fair and it’s not accurate. 

We know things about how trauma impacts people— and even on a neurobiological level, it’s more complicated than “this person has been choosing a disempowering interpretation of their life story.” 

Trauma is more than you having “chosen” a “faulty interpretation” of the past. 

Healing is about more than just choosing a “different interpretation” of what happened. 

Trauma impacts our psychology AND our biology. It leaves its mark in every cell of our body. 

Healing trauma takes time, patience, compassion, and support— and the courage to admit to ourselves that our wound was not superficial, and healing will not happen overnight. 

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We can get seriously down on ourselves when we backslide in our recovery. 

Backsliding or relapsing happens to everyone. 

I don’t just mean “most” people. I mean it happens to EVERYONE. 

Nobody’s recovery is linear. Nobody just improves, and improves, and improves, with no stumbles along the way. 

Some relapses are more significant than others— but we ALL struggle in recovery sooner or later. 

It’s not a matter of intelligence. 

It’s not a matter of how good our therapist is. 

It’s not a matter of how effective the therapy is. 

It’s just the way these things work. 

The name of the game isn’t completely preventing relapse or backsliding— because you can’t COMPLETELY prevent it. 

The name of the game is doing everything we can to minimize the impact of a relapse on our lives. 

We can’t completely prevent relapse. 

We can, however, identify our triggers. 

We can create a safety plan for WHEN we get triggered (not “if”— “when”). 

We can create an impulse scale— that is, a chart that explicitly lays out what signs and symptoms to look for as evidence that we’re getting ramped up, as well as coping skills and strategies appropriate to each level of increasing danger. 

We can create a Triangle of Safety— that is, a triangular chart listing strategies and resources that we can realistically utilize at every point along the way if we find ourselves struggling, which culminates in reaching out for emergency assistance if we need it. 

Everybody needs to build safety planning into their recovery plan. 

The thing is, virtually nobody wants to think about it. 

Nobody thinks THEY are going to be the one that needs to make safety planning part of their recovery plan. 

Everybody wants to think that their recovery is going to go smoothly. 

Even the smoothest, most successful recovery plan requires safety planning as part of the mix. 

The important thing, in addition to having a safety plan, is to not get all up in our heads about NEEDING a safety plan. 

Almost every single trauma survivor I’ve ever worked with has been harsh with themselves when they’ve struggled along the way. 

If we beat ourselves up when we struggle, all we’re doing is reinforcing old messages that it’s somehow “bad” to struggle. 

It is not “bad” to struggle. 

It is perfectly normal and predictable to struggle— especially when we’re trying to make headway against things like complex trauma or addiction or chronic depression and anxiety. 

We have to deal with the fact that struggle is part of the process. Relapse and backsliding are part of the process. 

It happens to everyone. It happens to people with years of recovery time. It happens to people who are smart and strong and resourceful and supported. 

Don’t let it get in your head. 

If your’e reading this, and you’re struggling in your own recovery: what you’re experiencing isn’t evidence that you should quit trying. 

Work with your therapist to have a safety plan. 

Load that safety plan up with practical, usable strategies and resources. 

Nothing is too small to put on a potential safety plan. Put ANYTHING that might help on there. 

And whatever you do: make peace with the fact that at some point you WILL have to use your safety plan. 

Acknowledge your need for it; use it as you need to; move on. 

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