Author: drglenndoyle

What if it’s not about discovering something new?

So many people seem to be on quests for something new, different, profound, life-changing. And there is certainly no dearth of gurus, teachers, or experts who are happy to offer it to them.

But what if…what if the quest for something “new” that will change your life is kind of a myth?

What if there’s nothing truly “new” out there that will change your life?

What if the real secret is about remembering who you are, and what you already know, in the first place?

What if you already have the knowledge and skills you need in order to completely transform your life and the lives of the people around you…but you just haven’t, for whatever reason, figured out a way to organize and use that knowledge and those skills in just the right ways?

I realize it’d be the easier “sell” to claim that I have some sort of profound knowledge that you lack. That the “doctor” in front of my name gives me access to a vault of esoteric wisdom that is being kept from all you mere mortals, and you must pay me for access to that vault.

I could probably make a lot more money if I pretended that there was something, anything, they taught me in graduate school that isn’t freely available in dozens of places on the internet, at the library, or in twelve-step meetings in very city and town in the country.

In fact, there are many gurus who do make a giant profit making just such these claims.

Well, in fairness, they do more than claim they are privy to some esoteric knowledge that the common seeker lacks. First they usually spend a fair amount of time and effort making you feel stupid and vulnerable for your up-until-then futile attempts to discover truth for yourself.

Their marketing strategy, see, is heavily dependent upon you believing that you fundamentally know less than they do, particularly about Big Picture things— life, love, relationships, how the mind and brain work, how to make a life work.

Their theory is, if they can stir up feelings of inadequacy in you about your basic ability to handle life, you’ll be more likely to hand over your credit card number to them so they can fix it with their more evolved, more connected, more incisive philosophies and techniques.

By the time you get to the seminar, or you buy the book, or you finish the tape series (anybody remember tapes? They were these clunky things on which you listened to audio content before the advent of MP3’s), you were already invested in believing the guru’s claims, because, well, you’d literally invested money in it. There’s a phenomenon we psychologists call “cognitive dissonance” that refers to our ability to convince ourselves that something has merit when we’ve already bought into it, so as to avoid feeling foolish.

There is a subset of personal development gurus who have built their entire EMPIRES on peoples’ desire to reduce their cognitive dissonance once they’ve invested money in their products.

Let me dissipate the suspense: I do not have “new” knowledge for you.

I do not have esoteric wisdom that was handed to me by a shaman on a Peruvian mountaintop.

(There is one self-help guru out there who lured clients into a Native American-themed sweat lodge ceremony, claiming he had been trained and credentialed by, among others, Peruvian shamans. As it turned out, these claims were fraudulent…a fact only publicized AFTER three clients had died and multiple others had been injured when he conducted the sweat lodge incorrectly.)

Maybe the fact that I don’t have new, novel knowledge or spiritually-revealed wisdom is a letdown.

But for what it’s worth: I have seen people make real, substantive changes in their lives. I’ve seen people get happier and more satisfied with their lives. I’ve seen people change the level at which they were living in profound ways. And it didn’t take profound, esoteric knowledge.

In most cases, it took reminding them of things they already knew.

It took reminding them of who they are.

It took figuring out ways in which they were already survivors and thrivers…and making that knowledge and wisdom, which they already had and had already used, more easily accessible to them.

I don’t know everyone who is reading these words personally. I don’t know your challenges, I don’t know your strengths, I don’t know your weaknesses. It may be the case that you, you reading right now, you are the exception to what I’m saying here. Maybe you’re the ONE person who truly needs “new” knowledge to really change your life.

But I doubt it.

If you’re reading these words, if you’ve somehow stumbled upon this page on the Internet, I’m betting it’s because you actually are a survivor.

I’ll bet it’s because you are a seeker.

I’ll bet it’s because you have already been through some things…and you’ve survived so far. You did that somehow. You have resilience and knowledge and skills in there somewhere.

I recommend that you don’t take advice or seek guidance from any guru, teacher, or guide who doesn’t enter into their relationship with you with profound respect for these facts.

First and foremost: remember who you are.

 

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I’ll spare you the suspense: someone probably disapproves of you right now.

In fact, I guarantee someone disapproves of you right now.

It might be someone you know, or someone you don’t know. It might be someone who is actually important to you, or someone who isn’t. It might be someone whose opinion impacts your professional or personal life in an important way, or it might not be.

But there’s no escaping it: it’s a sure bet someone out there disapproves of you.

If you’re like most people— including me— that probably bugs you. It probably bugs you more than it “should,” objectively.

But this isn’t news.

We’re very often told that we “shouldn’t” get as upset as we do about other peoples’ negative opinions of and reactions to us.

In fact, it’s one of the most well-worn tropes of personal development literature that we place too much stock in other peoples’ opinions, and we’d be much happier if we gave up our desire and need to be liked by other people.

As if it were that simple.

Believe me, if there was a quick, reliable way for us to shed our addiction to other peoples’ approval, I’d be the first person out there embracing it (and marketing the hell out of it, for that matter). I’d like nothing more than for it to be easy and simple to leave our craving for other people to like us behind us.

Unfortunately, as is often the case with well-worn tropes of the personal development industry…it’s not that simple.

I do think our reliance on the approval of others is a form of addiction.

And, as any recovering addict will tell ya…there’s nothing “easy” about surrendering an addictive “fix” that has become central to someone’s existence.

Addictions are addictions precisely because they scratch an itch for us.

Addictions are addictions because they solve, or appear to solve, a problem for us, at least in the short term. (The fact that most addictive “solutions” to problems usually end up creating bigger and worse problems isn’t something that occurs to us in the moment we’re pursuing our fix.)

Addictions are addictions because they are self-perpetuating— that is, indulging in an addictive “fix” makes it more likely that we’ll return to that fix in the future.

And, perhaps most importantly…addictions are addictions because they reduce negative feelings. That is to say: if we give up our addiction, we are still saddled with the problem of how to cope with certain negative feelings. And as any addict will tell you, one of the reasons addicts tend to BECOME addicts in the first place is, we’re not great at handling negative feelings all the time.

All of which is to say: if you find giving up your reliance on, preoccupation with, or addiction to the approval of others, there’s no reason to be hard on yourself.

EVERYBODY finds it hard to wean themselves from the approval and acceptance of others to some extent.

Almost NOBODY finds it easy to just “stop caring what others think,” no matter what the self-help experts recommend.

Treat it like the addiction that it is, and acknowledge that you’re hooked. Acknowledge that giving up that addiction, much liking giving up any addiction, is going to require you to face some hard truths about your life, and it’s probably going to require you to endure some significant discomfort.

What role does seeking others’ approval play in your life?

If significant others disapproved of you…what would that mean for you? What would that feel like?

If you refused to scramble for the approval of others…what would be different in your life? How would you feel different? What kinds of new thoughts would go through your head?

What would the voices in your head from your PAST say?

What could you say back to them?

Something most addicts understand, at least intuitively, is that part of the reason we are addicts is because it truly seems like the “easy” route. If we just give in to our addiction to others’ approval, we don’t have to think about all that messy, unpleasant, anxiety-provoking questions I just asked.

It sometimes seems easier just to go on autopilot.

There’s no doubt that it SEEMS easier. And to people who have often not had an easy time of life…the easy path sometimes seems to make a lot of sense.

The good news, however…is that the more practice you get asking the hard questions, taking the tougher path, choosing to sit with the anxiety and endure the discomfort…the easier those things get.

You’ve survived tough times. You know how to make hard decisions.

Start asking questions of your addiction.

And watch how your addiction starts squirming.

 

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There are lots of ways that we freak ourselves out, or let ourselves get freaked out by either situations we’re facing or the people around us.

It’s rarely our fault or intention. Nobody wakes up in the morning and says, “You know what? I think I’ll just totally freak myself out about this situation, and make it so that I’m unable to function. That sounds like fun.”

But the truth is that we do, often, find ourselves intimidated, overwhelmed, stressed, or exhausted by situations that we might otherwise have the knowledge and skills to handle…if only that knowledge and those skills weren’t being shrouded by a fog of panic and anxiety at the moment.

First thing’s first: if you are feeling freaked out, you don’t need to apologize for or hide your feelings.

A lot of people, when they start to feel freaked out, immediately move to hide their freak-out from the people around them. These attempts, in turn, usually add yet another layer of stress and anxiety to the situation— and often don’t even work.

(Have you ever been around someone who is clearly freaking out, but working hard to keep the people around them from knowing they’re freaking out? It makes for an awkward situation.)

If you’re feeling freaked out, just acknowledge it.

Acknowledge it to yourself, and maybe even acknowledge it to the people around you, depending on the situation. Very rarely does any good come from trying to conceal a freak out once it’s underway.

There’s no shame in getting freaked out. Everybody gets freaked out. To be freaked out is to be human.

Then, once you’ve come face to face with the fact that you’re freaking out…it becomes possible to figure out whether you’re needlessly getting freaked out.

That is to say, whether your feelings of being freaked out at that moment may be the result of other peoples’ expectations; suddenly encountering a situation that is unfamiliar or unexpected; or having a situation you thought would go one way suddenly go another way, leaving you in the position of having to adapt in quick, uncomfortable ways.

The fact of the matter is, we are often more skilled, more poised, more experienced, and more capable in situations than we give ourselves credit for.

Often times, we forget how skilled, poised, experienced, and capable we can be, because our frontal lobe (the part of our brain that is really good at decision making, critical thinking, and problem solving) is being momentarily short circuited by our limbic system (that part of our brain that responds to crises with options of fight, flight, or freeze— the part of our brain that is lit up like a Christmas tree whenever we’re freaked out, in other words).

If you’re reading these words, trust me: you have intellect, experience, and toughness that I do not have, and that few other people have.

It’s not a contest, but it is a fact: there are times and places when you know exactly what you’re doing, and you do well it well.

Unfortunately, when our limbic system gets activated in moments of panic, it becomes tough to call to mind those times and places when we feel perfectly at ease, perfectly competent, perfectly able and adequate…which leaves us feeling awkward, incompetent, and inadequate.

Sometimes we get freaked out because other people have gone out of their way to get us freaked out.

It can be an interpersonal strategy on the part of insecure people to try to arouse feelings of confusion, inadequacy, and insecurity in other people, so they might achieve an effortless leg up in social situations. It’s to their advantage that we don’t experience ourselves as confident and competent…because if we did, we’d be giving them “competition.”

When we’re getting freaked out, we’re usually thinking in black and white terms.

If something doesn’t go perfectly, we immediately rush to the conclusion it was a complete failure. If an interaction doesn’t go entirely smoothly, we rush to the conclusion it has gone so painfully awry that everyone now hates us.

The limbic system isn’t good at nuance (and for good reason: when we were cave-people trying to avoid getting eaten by sabertooth tigers, probably the last thing we needed was to contemplate the nuances of whether we should RUN LIKE HELL or not).

The good news is: we don’t have to freak ourselves out.

We can learn to recognize when we’re getting freaked out, and to use the skills and tools we already have to help us calm down.

Right now, ask yourself: how would I know when I’m starting to freak out?

What happens in my body? What happens in my mind? What thoughts go through my head?

It may sound like an absurdly obvious question, but a lot of us don’t stop to ask it very often. If we needed a reliable set of warning signs for when we’re on the slippery slope to getting freaked out…what would those signs be?

Then, we can do simple, step by step things to arrest our slide down that slope.

We can breathe, slow and easy— five counts in, hold for three, five counts out.

Fun fact: the neuropsychological research suggests that it’s really, really hard for the limbic system to dominate our functioning when we’re breathing slow and easy (why do you think this is the first lesson every novice meditator learns?).

In the coming weeks, we’ll be looking at the issue of how to avoid freaking ourselves out in far more depth, including specific tips and tricks to remember who we are in those scary moments when we’re drawn into thinking we’re someone far less capable and smart.

But in the meantime, repeat as necessary: you don’t have to let yourself get freaked out.

You are enough. You have skills. You’ve handled things far tougher than the situation in front of you right now.

Now…breathe for me.

 

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There are so, so many things we can’t control in life.

And believe it or not…that’s the good news.

It’s because we only control a small subset of things— usually restricted to our attitudes and behavior— that we don’t have to worry about the huge, huge array of things that we can’t control…and we can direct our energy toward the things we can influence.

Every time we attempt to direct energy toward a thing we can’t control, we sacrifice that energy from something we can control.

It’s like bleeding energy and focus for no productive purpose.

For example: we can’t control our genetics.

Lots of us have genetic predispositions toward certain conditions. It’s very easy for me, for example, to fall into addictive and compulsive behaviors, because those tendencies are strongly encoded in my genetics.

Insofar as we cannot chose our biological parents, we can’t control our genes.

Another thing we can’t control, at least with precision and consistency, is other peoples’ behavior.

As we’ve explored on this blog in recent weeks, we can certainly INFLUENCE other peoples’ behavior. It’s silly to say we don’t have an effect on other people with how we behave and react.

But it’s also the case that we can’t CONTROL their behavior.

Even if we threw every last ounce of energy and focus we had at ATTEMPTING to control their behavior— as some people do— we’d only be able to achieve a degree of influence that is imprecise at best and wildly unpredictable more often than not.

We cannot control, in large measure, the events unfolding on the world stage.

It’s certainly the case that many of us can play a PART in influence the events on the world stage, by voting, participating in political action and protests, and educating our children and the people around us about the issues we care about.

But the fact is, by and large, the events that play out on the national political scene and the international diplomatic scene are beyond our immediate circle of influence.

We can’t control the triggers to which we’ll be exposed in a day.

We can’t control the weather.

We can’t control, to a large degree, the extent to which our bodies deteriorate with age. Yes, we can exercise and pay attention to nutrition and supplement and learn everything we can about health and wellness…but the fact is that we all inhabit human bodies, that break down at the rate they break down.

All these things, we can’t control.

And yet…I still maintain this is the good news.

Can you imagine the kinds of massive shifts that might happen if we took all the energy and focus we spent trying to futilely control things we have NO POSSIBLE CHANCE of controlling…and instead directed it toward influencing things we CAN control?

All that time and energy we spend trying to control what others think, feel, and do…what if we devoted it to tolerating living in the moment?

Sitting with anxiety long enough to make good decisions?

Sitting with addictive cravings long enough to ride them out?

What if we took all the time and energy we take living in denial that our bodies will break down and eventually die…and instead put that toward looking closer, taking our time, slowing down and savoring the moments we’re given to LIVE?

It is the reality that there are all these things we can’t control.

We can’t deny that reality, we can’t disown it. We have to deeply and thoroughly accept it.

(Which, remember, isn’t the same as LIKING it.)

Thank goodness we can’t control everything.

That frees us up to only concentrate on those things we CAN control.

 

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I just read somewhere that it takes “courage” to make changes and/or let things go. It was a curious assertion– though confidently made by the individual whose said it.

I don’t know.

“Courage,” as best I can tell, is not making changes or letting go of things just for the sake of making changes or letting go.

I mean, a lot of the time we’re told that it takes “courage” to make changes or to let go, because many people experience making changes and letting go as difficult things to do. But the fact is, sometimes it’s very easy to change things or to let go— especially if we’re scared of the alternatives.

Put another way, there are times when changing or letting go are the easy things to do. When you grab a cookie sheet out of the oven but forget to use an oven mitt, it doesn’t take a lot of “courage” to let it go.

Letting it go in that case is immediate, instinctive, and much easier than the alternative.

Some people go through life making changes and letting to of things not because they are “courageous,” but because they are afraid.

Have you ever known someone like this? They get anxious, scared, paranoid about a situation, and, instead of sitting with it and seeing how it develops, they scramble to make changes right away…whether those changes are particularly well thought out or not.

Therapists see this a lot when working with people who struggle with unstable relationship patterns. If a person happens to believe, consciously or unconsciously, that growing closer to people, relying on them, and being vulnerable to them will eventually mean pain, then they’re often tempted to torpedo relationships as soon as they become comfortable.

Again and again they do this. Get into a relationship, start to get comfortable, then…anxiety flares up, and instead of sitting with or working through the anxiety…BOOM!

The reason why it’s important to understand that not every impulse to change or let go is important is because there are lots of people— usually people who are selling something— who want to frame “making changes” as always courageous.

They want you to think that by choosing to make changes— namely, by choosing to buy or invest in whatever they happen to be selling— you’re being “courageous.”

These salesman aren’t really even selling the product they’re ostensibly pushing. They’re selling the opportunity for you to feel “courageous,” by setting up an equation whereby “making changes” (i.e., investing in their product) defines you as “courageous.”

They, like so many other marketers, are trying to sell you on the opportunity to feel good about yourself.

The thing is…you don’t need their product to be courageous.

You don’t need their approval to feel good about yourself.

You have all the tools, and all the reasons, to feel good about yourself right here, right now— no purchase or transformation necessary.

The world does this a lot. It tries to control our behavior by setting up equations whereby, if we behave as “they” would prefer, you supposedly fulfill the definition they’ve established as desirable.

Politicians do this an AWFUL lot. They’ll try to sell you on the basic message that “if you’re a good person, if you truly believe in principles X, Y, and Z,” you’ll vote for Candidate Whomever.”

Or, they might try the opposite: “You don’t want to be like all of THOSE people supporting Candidate Whichever, do you?”

Again, and again, and again, the world tries to control our behavior— our voting behavior, our buying behavior, our interpersonal behavior— by telling us what behavior equates to certain qualities.

They try to tell us what “courage” means…by defining behaviors that aren’t necessarily courageous.

They try to tell us what “moral” means…by defining behaviors that are “moral” only in relative terms.

They try to tell us what “good” is, what “high class” is, what “smart” is. But if you look at the behaviors they link to these adjectives, you’ll notice a curious pattern: these behaviors aren’t necessarily “good,” “high class,” or “smart” in and of themselves. They’re “good,” “high class,” and “smart” because they happen to align with what these people want us to do…most often, how they want us to cast our votes or spend our money.

Don’t let the world tell you what “courage” means. It may mean something completely different to you than it does to the world.

Don’t let them tell you what it means to be smart, kind, moral, or high class.

You’re more than their marketing strategies.

You get to define who you are.

 

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Earlier this week, we explored on this blog about how other peoples’ behavior, specifically their behavior toward us, is frequently more about them than it is about us. We also looked at the factors in our own psychology that make it difficult for us to cope when other people don’t treat us as well as we feel they “should.”

It’s true that other peoples’ behavior is frequently far more about them than it is about us, and that we foist a great deal of unnecessary pain on ourselves when we convince ourselves otherwise.

However…we also have to be realistic and ethical about the impact and influence we have on other people. Because we do, in fact, have an impact.

We can’t make decisions for most other adults in our environment. We can’t force anybody to feel anything; we can’t force anybody to think a particular way about anything.

Even people who have spent a great deal of their lives and careers studying the science and art of influence concede that we’re extremely limited in our ability to “make” people do anything.

That said, people think, feel, and behave in certain ways as a result of factors in their environment— specifically, what they believe will lead to reinforcement or punishment. And while we cannot “make” anybody think, feel, or do anything, it is the case that we are important factors in the environments of the people we’re around day to day.

We can’t “make” anyone feel or do anything. But we can, through our words, actions, and responses, increase the odds someone may feel a certain way or do a certain thing. And we cannot afford to be naive about that fact.

The truth is, in order to create and maintain healthy self-esteem, we need to accept the sometimes onerous fact that we have a hand in creating other peoples’ worlds…which means we are both powerful and limited when it comes to other people.

We’re limited, insofar as our influence over other people is not absolute, and it’s frequently not what we think it is.

For example, many of us have the experience of going out of our way to “make” someone feel loved, and yet the person does not feel loved. We may have the experience of going out of our way to “make” someone feel supported, and yet the person does not feel supported. We may have the experience of going out of our way to “make” someone understand what we’re saying…and yet we still get misunderstood.

Our power to influence, in other words, is imprecise.

Our power to influence interacts with a huge array of factors within and around the person we’re attempting to influence…and the result is almost never predictable or linear.

Unless we accept that we’re limited in how we can influence other people, we have no hope of wielding our ability influence in a responsible, ethical, or effective way.

Still…we are powerful when it comes to influencing others. Whether we know it or not, and whether we like it or not.

While we cannot know precisely how our behavior will impact others, how what we put out in the world will interact with whatever’s going on with another person in order to yield exactly what kind of result…we can observe.

We can pay attention to how our words and actions affect other people.

We can use those observations to form hypotheses and draw conclusions. We can be scientists in this way.

The single most important factor in whether we create and maintain healthy self-esteem is our willingness to live life consciously. All the other factors that impact our self-esteem aside, it is virtually impossible to maintain high, healthy self-esteem if we’re going on autopilot. Intentionally choosing to life life “on purpose,” with eyes wide open, is central to self-esteem.

Being observant of and responsive to the reactions our words and actions evoke in others is a prime example of living life at a high level of conscious awareness.

Be realistic.

A harsh word from you may not “make” someone feel lousy— but it’s a perfectly reasonable conclusion that it may heighten the odds that person will feel lousy.

A patient, compassionate response from you may not “make” someone feel better— but it’s a perfectly reasonable hypothesis that it might contribute to them feeling better.

Does the fact that we can and do influence other people in this way make us responsible for their experience of life? Of course not. Other people are as responsible for creating their worlds as we are for creating ours.

However, we ARE responsible for the situations we make predictably more or less likely with our words and actions.

We ARE responsible for the role WE play in the world we create— including the social world we create with the other human beings in our proximity.

And if we’re interested in cultivating healthy self-esteem, we accept— without flinching— our responsibility. We take on the burden of observing and responding to the ripples we create in the pond.

Yes, other peoples’ emotional, cognitive, and behavioral lives are not ABOUT us.

But we do play a role.

 

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Most of the time, we’re overconcerned with how others treat us.

We’re strongly insistent that others in our life treat us with respect, that they’re nice to us, that they’re accepting of us.

We tend to get very agitated when people treat us with disrespect, when they’re not nice to us, and when they reject us.

Make no mistake, I certainly prefer when other people are cool to me. I certainly hold being nice to and respectful toward other people as an important tent in my own moral and ethical code. I believe the world would be a much better place if everyone was awesome to each other, both in the big picture and on individual, daily levels.

But the fact is, the world is often not cool to us.

Even more uncool: people who, by rights, “should” be cool to us…often aren’t.

Even if we’re cool to them, people often aren’t as cool to us as they “should” be.

And this fact, for many people, is devastating.

Why?

Well, part of it has to do with evolutionary psychology. We evolved to value connection, because back in our cave person days, humans who were liked and valued by the other humans in our tribe stood a better chance of survival.

If winter came, and there wasn’t enough food for the whole tribe, the first cave people to be ejected out into the cold were those who didn’t get along with the rest of the group. Popularity and likability were directly tied to the opportunity to survive and reproduce back in the day.

Fast forward a few eons, and here we are, with these brains that come with deeply embedded programming that says if we’re not liked by the people around us, that poses a direct threat to our lives and futures, even if we’re no longer nomadic cave people hunting and gathering our way through life anymore.

Another aspect of our desire to be liked and treated well has to do with a common cognitive distortion called “should” thinking. The Rational Emotive Behavior therapist Albert Ellis used to call this, “shoulding all over ourselves.”

Human beings have a strongly developed sense of “fairness.” Robert Cialdini discusses this at length in his classic book about the principles of psychological influence. As it turns out, most people, in most cultures, experience the strong desire for “reciprocity”— the belief that people “should” return the attitude, approach, or favors bestowed on them by others.

Thus, if we’re cool to someone, and they’re not cool back to us, our “shoulds” kick in, and we get angry. Those people aren’t abiding by the social contract. They “should” treat us better— after all, we treated them well, right?

A third aspect of why we so strongly want to be liked and treated well by others has to do with the deeply ingrained sense of shame many of us were raised with. Many of us have grown up with programming that tells us we’ll be able to tell if we’re being “good enough” people by how others react and respond to us.

If people are not being cool to us, this old programming goes, it’s probably something we’re doing or not doing.

Whether it’s evolutionary psychology, “shoulding” all over ourselves, or shame programming that’s at work, the result is the same: we spend way more time than we need to thinking, ruminating, obsessing about how others treat us.

It’s nice when others treat us well. it’s perfectly reasonable for us, to the extent that we can, to construct a life that is populated mostly by people who do treat us well. People with healthy self-esteem go out of their way to try to cultivate networks of friends and colleagues who treat us with respect and kindness.

But when others don’t treat us well…it means exactly zero in terms of whether we’re “good people.”

When others don’t treat us well…it means exactly zero in terms of whether we’re “worthy.”

When others don’t treat us well…it means exactly zero in terms of whether we’re doing a good job, either in our careers or our lives.

Others don’t treat us well for a variety of reasons…most of which, as it turns out, have much to do with them, and often very little to do with us.

These reasons can range from their own past conditioning; to their own internal struggles; to their attempts to manipulate us; to their basic personality style. Most of which we have little to no influence over.

Understanding and accepting that our preference to be treated well by everyone we encounter is a vestige of our evolutionary psychology, our cognitive biases, and our past programming, can be EXTREMELY liberating.

Keeping others’ behavior toward us in perspective— realizing that most often its about them, not us— can be EXTREMELY liberating.

Accepting that people are sometimes going to be uncool toward us, and that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve kindness and respect…can be EXTREMELY liberating.

It might not be about you. And that’s okay.

 

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Building self-esteem isn’t just about feeling better. Although you will feel better once you build and maintain healthy self-esteem. And feeling better is a perfectly valid goal in itself.

No, self-esteem isn’t just about feeling better. It’s about doing better.

Our brains are not dumb (no matter what our early conditioning may have led us to believe). Our brains, in fact, work very hard to determine how much energy and focus to put into various tasks.

If our brains take a look at a task and come to the conclusion that the task probably can’t be mastered with the resources we have available, they’ll often respond by diminishing the amount of energy and focus we’re willing to devote to that task.

Psychologists call this sudden plunge in motivation “learned helplessness”— the emotionally-driven conclusion that we just can’t do something, so why even bother trying.

Likewise, if our brains take a look at a task and come to the conclusion that the payoff that might come from completing it just isn’t worth it, they’ll respond again by diminishing the amount of energy and focus we’re willing to dedicate to that task.

This phenomenon has been studied extensively by behavioral psychologists, who examine how the expectation of reinforcement influences our levels of motivation.

Then there’s that other thing our brains sometimes do: they’ll take a look at a task and come to the conclusion that we don’t deserve to succeed at it.

This is where the rubber meets the road, self-esteem wise. This is how a dearth of healthy self-esteem comes home to roost in a practical way. This is how damaged self-esteem ruins our lives, day by day.

Why might our brains decide we’re not “worthy” of successfully completing a task?

Maybe we’ve had experiences in the past that have convinced us we’re not strong.

Maybe we’ve received messages from important others in our lives that have convinced us we’re not fundamentally good or kind.

Maybe we’ve been acting on those negative messages about ourselves for so long, living out those early scripts and programming so thoroughly, that we’ve come to believe those things inside and out. Maybe we’ve let ourselves believe that we simply don’t deserve success.

It’s virtually impossible to motivate ourselves to do challenging things if we don’t fundamentally believe we are worthy and capable.

Think about it: if we don’t have a basic belief in our worthiness or our efficacy, why on earth would our brain fire us up to tackle tasks?

Maybe fear; maybe anger; maybe the prospect of short-term reward. Maybe.

But in the end, none of those work as consistent, reliable, long-term motivational strategies. In the end, damaged self-esteem will hamstring every attempt we make to motivate ourselves beyond the very short term.

Some people think of self-esteem as an abstraction, a psychological concept that often takes a back seat to more pressing emotional problems like depression, anxiety, or habit change. Which is a shame, because the reality is that it’s incredibly difficult to meaningfully heal depression, control anxiety, or wrangle habits without a basic conviction that we are worthy and capable.

Self-esteem is not an abstraction. It permeates our every decision, our every behavior, our every thought and feeling. Self-esteem is the rock upon which our very personhood is built.

Our self-esteem isn’t, actually, terribly fragile. When I encounter someone with wounded self-esteem, it’s usually not the case that they’ve been brought low by a single harsh comment by someone or an isolated life defeat.

Rather, deficits in self-esteem are usually the result of years of programming; years of conditioning; years of old tapes replaying old messages and old defeats and old opportunities lost, over and over and over again.

Given the way we often replay old tapes— tapes that, in many cases, were “recorded” year ago, and have absolutely nothing to do with who we are today— is it any wonder that our sense of worthiness and efficacy suffers?

Is it any wonder that our brains look at certain tasks and figure— even if we think we can do the task, even if we think the payoff will be worth it— “I don’t deserve to take a crack at this?”

Self-esteem is a practical, important, urgent need.

It’s also a need only we can fill.

The good news is: we can fill that need.

We can do better.

As well as feel better, as it turns out.

 

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Much of what we struggle with in life revolves around a fairly simple fact: there’s a lot of stuff that we just don’t feel like doing.

Understand, saying “we don’t feel like doing” something is not to trivialize our resistance.

There are lots of reasons we may not feel like doing something. Some of those reasons may strike other people as more valid than others; but the bottom line is, if something is preventing us from getting into gear and doing something, it’s a problem for us, “valid” or not.

Sometimes we don’t feel like doing something because it seems overwhelming. We’ve taken a look at the task, and have come to the conclusion that we just don’t have the resources necessary to do it— or that expending the resources to do it just won’t be worth the payoff.

Sometimes we don’t feel like doing something because we’re afraid. We’ve taken a look at the task, and have come to the conclusion that there’s something there to be scared of— usually, pain.

Sometimes we don’t feel like doing something because we feel inept. We’ve taken a look at the task, and have come to the conclusion that we just don’t know how to go about it— and we don’t want to do it incorrectly, or look foolish trying to do something we don’t know how to do.

Sometimes we don’t feel like doing something because we have some sort of emotional block when it comes to the task. The task may be associated with things that trigger anger, sadness, or grief. Who would want to open the door to those emotions, if we can help it?

Very rarely is it the case that we don’t feel like doing something because we’re “lazy” or being “passive aggressive.” Those terms are often thrown around by people who are trying to guilt us into doing something they want us to do, by making us feel as if our reluctance to do it is due to some sort of character flaw. Emotional blackmail of this sort is often an effective tool in the short term…though in the long term it more often breeds resentment.

Whatever the root of our not feeling like doing the task, the bottom line remains the same: we need to figure out a way to do things, even when we don’t feel like doing them.

How do we even start getting motivated to do something we’re simply not in the mood to do?

First thing’s first: we have to move past the myth that we have to be in the “mood” to do something in order to do it.

Don’t get me wrong, being in the mood to do something is definitely the path of least resistance. If there was an easy way to nudge people from being “not in the mood” to being “in the mood,” I’d jump right on that technology— it’d be a gold mine in my line of work.

Sadly, however, wrangling our moods and level of motivation in such an immediate way is a complicated proposition, at best. It certainly doesn’t work in the kind of immediate way we’d need it to work in order to change our behavior when it comes to doing stuff we don’t feel like dong.

So, surrender that belief— that you need to be “in the mood” to do something. You don’t need to be “in the mood” to do anything. It helps, but it’s not necessary.

The second step is related to the first step: surrender the belief that you MUST do the thing you’re in the mood to do right now.

The fact of the matter is, our “moods” don’t determine our behavior— or, rather, they don’t HAVE to determine our behavior. You may be in the mood to eat; you may be in the mood to smoke; you may be in the mood to zone out on Facebook; you may be in the mood to drink; you may be in the mood to lay in bed all day. It doesn’t mean you HAVE to.

Once you give up those twin beliefs— that you have to be in the mood to do something, and you have to do the thing you’re in the mood to do— you’ll find yourself with much more freedom when it comes to getting things done.

It may sound obvious, self-evident, that those beliefs are false. But when you look at the behavior of the vast majority of people you know, as well as your own behavior, you might be shocked to realize how much of our lives we live as if those beliefs are absolutely true.

How do we give up those beliefs?

The same way we give up any beliefs that aren’t serving us: we realize when they’re operative, i.e., when we’re behaving as if they’re true; and we look for hard evidence that they’re not true.

If you start looking, you’ll find evidence of the untruth of these twin beliefs EVERYWHERE.

How many times have you done something, despite not being in the mood to do it? Chances are, you’ve already done something TODAY that you weren’t in the mood to do.

How many times have you been in the mood to do something, but chosen NOT to do it? Again, chances are, you’ve already refrained from doing something TODAY that you were in the mood to do.

Beliefs are simply thoughts we’ve thought again, and again, and again, things we’ve thought so frequently that we’ve become conditioned not to question them. But beliefs are subject to the same rules as any other thought: shoot it full of enough holes, find enough exceptions to it, find enough evidence contradicting it, and a belief simply cannot stand, any more than a table top can levitate once its legs are knocked out from under it.

Behavior change can be tough. It can be frustrating. It will take time.

But start with kicking these two beliefs to the curb…and you’ll be amazed at how much freer you feel.

 

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What are you a student of?

We’re all students of something. Whether we know it or not, and whether we like it or not.

A student is someone who studies. “To study” means to observe, to pay attention, to remember, to refine one’s knowledge of a subject.

This description fits everyone. Everyone has their areas of particular interest that they pay attention to, that they refine their knowledge of, that they become experts in.

Many people become students of specific subjects on purpose— they pursue a subject matter in an organized way. They register for classes. They pursue academic degrees.

But even more people become students by accident, or by default. The don’t intentionally choose what they study— they just allow their old patterns, their old beliefs, their old programming decide what they pay attention to, what they refine their knowledge of, what they become experts in.

The subjects in which these unintentional students tend to major run the gamut— but often, “unchosen” courses of study have a way of not serving such students well.

Sometimes people become students of their own limitations. They pay all kinds of attention to what they can’t do; to what hasn’t worked out for them; to what they want and have been denied. They focus, every single day, on the subject of what’s not working in their lives…and sure enough, they become experts in this subject area.

Other times, people become students of the awful state of the world. They focus intensely on the words and actions of politicians and leaders with whom they disagree; on the massive disparities of wealth and resources that exist in parts of the world; on the ways in which the world is unsatisfactory, screwed up, unfair, unkind.

Sometimes people become students of the many ways other people disappoint and infuriate them. They selectively focus on their negative interactions with others; their unsuccessful relationships; the occasions on which they’ve been cheated on, lied to, and hurt.

Understand: I am not suggesting that “life is what you make it with your focus.” That is a worldview frequency advanced by those who harbor the fantasy that we can completely create our world by virtue of what we choose to focus on. While I believe we do exercise an awful lot of control over the experience we create with our focus, far more than we usually appreciate, I also think it’s hopelessly naive to suggest we can create our world from the ground up with our thoughts.

(I also believe this worldview to be flawed in that it encourages people to slip into states of denial in their eagerness to avoid “negative” thoughts that might pollute the world they’re trying to create.)

That said: when we become dedicated students, intentionally or not, we learn our subject areas well.

And when we learn our subject areas well, our pool of knowledge tends to inform our worldview— our attitudes, our beliefs, our behaviors, our level of motivation, our habits.

Do you want your worldview informed by a rigorous course of study in your own limitations; or the awful state the world; or the terribleness of other people?

Think about the shackles that puts on you, as a person.

Think about every time you try to change a habit, to end an unproductive pattern of behavior or begin a healthier pattern— to have, in the back of your mind, a well-studied syllabus of your own limitations. How motivated will you be to change?

Think about every time you consider making a difference in the world, speak out, get involved, positively impact other people— to have, in the back of your mind, a well-learned body of knowledge about how awful the world is. How motivated will you be to try to make a difference?

Think about every time you try to improve your relationships, to reach out, to become more connected to other people— to have, in the back of your mind, a well-worn catalogue of how awful and petty other people are? How motivated will you be to deepen and enrich your ties with other people?

Our studies shape who are are, what we believe is possible, what we can and will do, what we can’t and won’t do.

Ask yourself: what do I study, every day, day in and day out?

What knowledge do I look for? What knowledge do I refine?

What do I know a lot about, because I pay a lot of attention to it?

Are my “studies” serving me? Do my studies nudge me closer to my goals— or throw up obstacles to my goals?

There are some ways we can’t, and don’t, create the world in which we live.

But we can choose what we study.

And we can choose to switch “majors” if we need to.

 

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