We’re not going to “control” our way out of this.

One of the things I say that make me the least popular trauma focused “influencer” out here, is that “control” is an utter illusion. 

I don’t know about you, but I can’t “control” sh*t. 

Oh, I’ve tried. So, probably, have you. 

I’ve tried to “control” my emotions. 

I’ve tried to “control” my behavior. 

I’ve even tried to “control” the feelings and behaviors of those around me. 

You can guess how successful my attempts to “control” things have been— probably because you’ve tried to “control” things, too. 

Experiencing trauma can get us preoccupied, almost obsessed, with “control.” 

I think it’s because traumatizing experiences make us feel controlled— and utterly powerless. 

We hate hat, rightly so. So we reflexively spend the rest of our lives trying to feel in “control” of …something, Anything, really. 

The reality is, “control” is largely an illusion. 

But the more energy we invest in trying to “control” things, the less energy we have for realistically INFLUENCING (not “controlling”) what we actually can— and coping with what we can’t. 

I cannot overstate how destructive that “control” illusion is. 

The Twelve Step tradition acknowledges “control” as so inherently destructive that it made Step One all about surrendering that particular illusion. 

Insisting that we “control” things exhausts and frustrates and distracts and ultimately depresses us. 

The difference between “control” and “influence” may seem small to you— but I promise, hat difference really will save your life and determine  your trauma recovery trajectory. 

How we realistically apply this principe is: when we’re checking in with ourselves, as realistic trauma recovery requires we do frequently, one of the questions we ask ourselves is, “Am I up in my head about ‘control’ right now?” 

We get good at detecting when we’re on that “control” trip— and we accept our own defensiveness about that trip as a a reflex. 

(I know, YOU would never be defensive about your control issues, but I definitely am. Your mileage may vary.) 

When we do detect we’re up in our head about “control,” creating tension in our body and getting distracted from our recovery needs and goals, we ask the Recovery Supporting Question (RSQ): “How can I shift from focusing on unrealistic ‘control’ to realistic INFLUENCE in this situation?” 

I understand that many would prefer a more sophisticated or esoteric approach to trauma recovery than mine, but for my money, realistic trauma recovery really is all about checking in with ourselves and asking RSQ’s. 

There really isn’t any magic to it: it’s all about using our self talk, mental focus, and physiology to scramble old, trauma based patterns, and reinforce new patterns grounded in safety, stability, and self-esteem. 

And in my experience, an excellent place to start is with our control bullsh*t— because we’re not realistically recovering while still hanging on this tight. Just isn’t going to happen. 

Breathe; blink; focus.