Validating our pain can be a really tough ask for CPTSD survivors.
Pain sucks. Why on earth would we want to “validate” it?
Many of us were actually taught to do the exact opposite: to INVALIDATE our pain at every opportunity.
To tell ourselves our pain doesn’t count.
To tell ourselves our pain is “crazy.”
To call ourselves “weak,” among other things, for even experiencing pain.
Over and over again, we were taught to communicate to ourselves that our pain should simply not exist— and maybe WE simply should not exist if we’re experiencing pain.
We’ve often been invalidating our own pain for so long, invalidation as our default setting can feel very “right.” Very “natural.”
Why would we want to challenge something that feels right or natural?
Because the truth is, our pain IS valid.
Our pain is NOT “crazy.”
Our pain and symptoms actually make all kinds of sense, given what we’ve been through (and that’s true whether we happen to completely or coherently remember all we’ve been through or not).
If we consistently communicate to ourselves that we “shouldn’t” be feeling or responding the way we are, that we are “crazy” or “weak” for doing so, not only are we lying to ourselves— but we’re doing our abusers’ and bullies’ dirty work for them, in our own head.
The truth is that strong, smart people experience pain.
There is nothing about the pain you or I are experiencing that actually means we’re “crazy” or “weak.”
Our pain means we’re injured. Not “weak” or “crazy.”
Why does how we talk to ourselves about or own pain matter?
Because we are not particularly motivated to actually heal pain that we decide is “crazy” or otherwise invalid.
Telling ourselves our pain doesn’t make sense and shouldn’t exist just leads us to try to “stuff” it, or ignore it, or maybe try to pressure or punish ourselves into not feeling it.
I probably don’t have to tell you how well that works.
Leading off with validation, though— telling ourselves ourselves the truth, that our pain represents an injury— gets us feeling and responding to our pain differently.
Injuries and wounds very often heal, with the appropriate care and support.
Validating our pain as an injury or a wound, rather than dismissing it as “crazy” or evidence of “weakness,” opens us up to realistic healing— and keeps us from needlessly, pointlessly beating ourselves up over being hurt in the first place.
Validation is not some warm and fuzzy, pop psychology bullsh*t.
It is a practical, essential tool in sustainable trauma recovery.
Your pain is valid and you are valid.
No matter how familiar or pervasive that “you suck” programming feels as you read this.
Use Your Damn Skills 