“Do they like me? Do they? DO THEY??”

One of the most frustrating symptoms of CPTSD for many survivors is, we often cannot stop obsessing about what others are thinking about us and whether they approve of us. 

It’s so frustrating because, intellectually, we may understand that what anybody else is thinking about us doesn’t matter. 

But our nervous system didn’t seem to get that memo. 

We still get anxiety spikes when we think someone doesn’t like us. 

That spike can almost become panic if we think someone doesn’t approve of us. 

It may not particularly matter who that person is, either. They could be a complete rando. 

But when we get a whiff of someone not liking us or disapproving of us? It can consume us. 

What’s important to understand about this symptom is, it’s not a “choice.” 

It’s not even necessarily that we value what that other person thinks or feels about us. 

What’s happening is a nervous system reflex associated with the “fawn” trauma response. 

Many CPTSD survivors grew up in situations where we had to closely monitor the moods, reactions, and needs of the adults around us. 

We had to pay attention to the nuances of what those adults thoughts, particularly about us, because we learned from experience that if we DIDN’T pay attention, that could come back on us in painful ways. 

Many survivors reading this grew up having to manage the adults around them in order to stay safe. 

After years of that, our nervous system gets into a groove. It strongly associates safety with monitoring whether others seem to like or dislike, approve or disapprove, of them. 

When we’re kids, we don’t have the luxury of gauging who is and isn’t a threat— because EVERY adult is a threat to a kid if they want to be. 

Fast forward to adulthood: we’re still walking around with a nervous system that prioritizes safety over connection— and that is still vigilantly monitoring the expressions, body language, and energy of everyone they encounter for potential threat cues. 

This symptom goes beyond just anxiety and people pleasing. 

It’s a deeply wired, heavily conditioned, nervous system deep pattern. 

It’s not our fault, it’s not a “choice,” and it’s not “crazy.” 

We CAN rewire that pattern— but not by trying to shame or pressure ourselves to just “quit it.” 

We can remind ourselves all day that it “doesn’t matter” if others like or approve of us— but that will only make us feel stupid for still having this reaction. 

What we actually NEED to do is create safety inside. 

We NEED to find ways to support our “parts” and inner child in feeling safe— even IF others dislike or disapprove of us. 

We do that by developing a relationship with ourselves that we can trust, using the tools of self talk, mental focus, and physiology. 

Our relationship with ourselves develops— or deteriorates— based on how we talk to ourselves, what we choose to focus on, and how we use our body, particularly our breathing. 

Creating safety inside or head and heart isn’t easy, when we grew up with so much UN-safety. NONE of this is easy— and kicking the “fawn” habit can be particularly hard for survivors of abuse and neglect specifically. 

But it can be done. 

You are not the one CPTSD survivor in the history of CPTSD survivors whose brain won’t change. 

I promise.