Feelings are not “the problem.”

Our feelings are not “the problem” in CPTSD.

Our feelings might be scary; or confusing; or overwhelming— but they are not the problem. 

The problem is what we have been taught to believe about our feelings. 

The problem is what we have been taught to do about our feelings. 

The problem is how we’ve been taught to deny, disown, belittle, or ignore our feelings. 

We do not have to love everything we feel. I certainly don’t love everything I feel. 

But we do have to accept what we feel— that is, we have to accept that what we’re feeling in this moment, is what we’re feeling in this moment. 

Even if our goal is to change our feelings, we have to start by accepting what we’re feeling now. 

Many of our feelings follow patterns that were laid down years ago. 

We do not ask for our feelings. 

Our feelings represent a complex interplay of things we perceive, things we believe, and things that are happening inside our nervous and endocrine systems. 

But our feelings do NOT make us a “good” or a “bad” person. 

Struggling to manage out feelings does NOT make us a “weak” or “immature” person. 

Struggling to understand our feelings does not make us an “immature” person. 

Why bother saying any of this at all? 

Because CPTSD survivors are often sold a bill of goods about what our feelings “mean.” 

CPTSD survivors often have the experience of other people misunderstanding or shaming us when we try to express our feelings. 

CPTSD survivors often have so much trouble regulating how we feel— which is also not our fault— that we get into the habit of dissociating our feelings instead of listening to them. 

Realistically recovering from CPTSD is going to ask us to take our feelings seriously. 

Realistically recovering from CPTSD is going to ask us to engage with and relate to or feelings in ways that the culture sometimes does not understand or endorse. 

The culture, if you haven’t noticed, is big on “f*ck your feelings” right now. 

Turns out: that f*ck your feelings attitude which some people are so big on glorifying, sis an excellent way to wind up dysrgulated and overwhelmed. 

Our feelings are not the problem. They never were. 

Our trauma was the problem. 

The things we “learned” from our trauma was the problem. 

And the solution, if we want CPTSD recovery to stick, is not to double down on the disdain for our feelings espoused by the culture or our abusers. 

Our feelings are valid. 

Our feelings are valuable. 

Our feelings are not harmful. 

And our feelings are realistically manageable— if we commit to accepting them first.