In my experience, the kind of self-compassion called for in trauma recovery isn’t especially the touchy-feely kind.
Which suits most trauma survivors just fine. We’re not particularly into that touchy feely stuff, at least when it comes to our own recovery from trauma.
If there’s anything trauma survivors tend to hate, it’s that trope that we wish to be “coddled.”
No trauma survivor I have EVER met has wanted to be “coddled.”
In fact, most trauma survivors I’ve met— along with me, personally— has absolutely hated the very idea that someone might “coddle” us.
We’re actually more likely to NOT access resources or supports we need if we think there’s even a whiff of “coddling” involved.
All of which makes that “self compassion” part of trauma recovery tricky.
The myth is that self-compassion is about “giving ourselves a pass.”
Some people seem to think that in order to be more compassionate toward ourselves, we somehow have to be less accountable.
Nothing could be farther from the truth.
In my experience trauma recovery is overwhelmingly about accountability— and the ACTUAL myth here is that there is some sort of conflict between compassion and accountability.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean making excuses.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean holding ourselves to some lesser standard of accountability or responsibility.
What self-compassion DOES mean is making an effortful attempt to extend ourselves kindness, grace, and understanding when talking to and behaving toward ourselves— which is in no way in conflict with radical accountability.
The truth is, most trauma survivors are far harder on ourselves than we need to be.
We’re far harder on ourselves than we would be to anyone else in our situation.
We’re far harder on ourselves than any set of facts about the situation would warrant.
It’s actually very easy for trauma survivors to beat the sh*t out of ourselves— because we’ve very often been conditioned, by abuse and neglect, to feel negatively toward ourselves.
We very often err on the side of “I deserve it”— either the trauma itself, or the painful reactions we’re having now.
It’s much, much harder for most survivors to extend ourselves appropriate self-compassion.
Why is self-compassion important? It’s important because trauma recovery, fundamentally, is a process of us repairing and nurturing our relationship with ourselves.
In trying to rebuild our bonds with our parts and inner child, we need to take into account their pain and their perspective from a position of genuine acceptance, openness, and caring— and the way we express that is self-compassion.
Think about it: would you want to build or repair a relationship with someone who didn’t extend you compassion after having been through painful times?
Would you want to build or repair a relationship with someone if they habitually held you “accountable” for things you didn’t cause, didn’t want, and couldn’t control?
Would you want to build or repair a relationship with someone who didn’t experience or express empathy at what you’d been through?
Neither would I— yet that’s unfortunate very often how we try to go about relating to our parts and inner child.
Self-compassion in trauma recovery isn’t this abstract, touchy feely, good-vibes-only thing.
In trauma recovery self-compassion is a practical, hard-edged tool.
We use it like we use every tool necessary to build something durable: judiciously, appropriately, discriminately.
Self-compassion isn’t for those wishing an easy path. If you want to stay on the easy path, keep hating on yourself— that, for trauma survivors, is often the default, “easy” route.
Self-compassion is only for those who want to craft a realistic, sustainable recovery.
And for those of us who do want that, it is an irreplaceable tool.
Use Your Damn Skills 