I wish trauma processing was as simple as, we deal with something, and we never have to deal with it again.
But the truth is, in trauma recovery we often find ourselves returning to the same memory or the same circumstance from our past, again and again.
It’s not that we never “get over” certain things.
It’s that, as we come to terms with what happened to us and how it impacted us, we often uncover layers of feeling and meaning that we were previously not aware of— but which were affecting us nonetheless.
Something we trauma survivors know every well is that, often, the most hurtful aspects of certain events aren’t the most obvious aspects.
Often, we haven’t really had the safety or stability to really dive into what something meant to us or how it affected us— and we’re surprised, as we start to really get into it, exactly how and why we were hurt or harmed by it.
It’s hard to “get over” something when we don’t fully appreciate how it hurt us.
It’s hard to “move on” from an event the meaning of which we haven’t truly digested.
Very often our nervous system has been in such a state of dysrgulaton for so long, that it’s been basically impossible to really explore certain feelings or memories— we’ve been left with virtually no choice but to avoid or dissociate them in order to stay sort of functional.
My experience of trauma processing is that it usually happens in waves.
That first wave will hit, and it’ll be powerful, and we’ll think, man, that was hard— but at least it’s over.
Then, we do a little bit of work shoring up our safety and stability. We regain our balance— just in time for the next wave to hit.
The next wave that hits isn’t quite like that first wave; may be as powerful (or more powerful, or maybe less powerful), but it hits different.
That’s because our recovery work has equipped us to recognize and work through different aspects of the trauma we’re processing— aspects that we couldn’t process in the first “wave.”
Then, once again, we regain our balance. We back off; we reinforce our safety and stability; we allow things to settle in our nervous system.
Then the next wave hits— with still different things to process than either of the previous two waves.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Understand: with each “wave” of trauma processing we do on a particular event or circumstance, it’s not that we’re retreading the same ground. In fact, far from it.
What we’re doing when we process our trauma in layers is getting closer and closer to the fundamental truths of how and why it f*cked us up to begin with.
Many people who have never experienced trauma think it only f*cks with us on the level of “some things really suck.”
It’s true that some things really suck— but no survivor I’ve ever met has been struggling just because of that fact.
Processing trauma isn’t about coming to terms with the fact that “some things really suck.” We all know that. I don’t know a trauma survivor who hasn’t been deeply aware and accepting of this fact.
Processing trauma is about understanding and coming to terms with how those things that really suck, have affected us in profoundly personal ways.
It’s about coming to terms specifically with the significant losses that those “really sucky” things have burdened us with.
We can’t do that all at once.
We can only do it in waves.
But the good news about that is, waves come and go. It’s not just that we “can’t” do all of this processing at once; it’s that we don’t HAVE to.
Waves, by definition, are rhythmic. They give us the chance to regain our footing and catch ou breath before we have to deal with the next one.
Realistic, intelligent trauma processing is best conceptualized as happening in waves.
And successfully navigating trauma processing is all about making hat rhythm work for us, rather than against us.
Use Your Damn Skills 