Because we feel guilty doesn’t mean a decision was bad.

I’ll spoil the suspense: we’re going to feel guilty about a lot of things. 

This isn’t necessarily because we have anything to feel particularly guilty about. 

This is because enduring trauma has the impact of making us feel that everything is our fault— and everything is our responsibility. 

I’ve worked with trauma survivors who have literally described feeling guilty for the weather. No joke— more than a few. 

Many trauma survivors are conditioned to feel particular guilt about decisions we make— especially decisions we make in regards to self-protection and self-care. 

Many of us grew up conditioned to believe we deserved nether protection NOR care— and we sure as hell had absolutely no right to extend OURSELVES protection or care. 

Many of us were conditioned to believe that boundaries were “mean”— or that the need to set limits with someone simply meant that we weren’t “tough enough.” 

We have the physical, emotional, and behavioral responses we do because of what we believe things mean— and if we believe that we have no right to set boundaries or otherwise take care of ourselves, we’re going to be reluctant, maybe even unable, to take vital steps toward self-protection and self-care. 

It’s not our fault. We didn’t choose the attitudes and beliefs that were conditioned in us. That conditioning is a symptom of what we’ve been through— and the rule in trauma recovery is, we do not shame or push ourselves for symptoms. 

Our abusers and bullies “installed” certain patterns of thinking, feeling, and reacting in us— and guilt very often was their tool of choice to do so. 

So many of the decisions we have to make in trauma recovery are so hard in the first place— but that layer of guilt makes those decisions exponentially harder. 

Guilt makes us fear exposure and punishment. 

Guilt makes us believe that we must have done something contrary to our values, or the values of society at large— that we’re a “bad” person. Otherwise why would we be feeling guilty, hmm? 

We are going to feel guilt about a lot of really important, really necessary decisions and boundaries— but it’s real important we clearly understand: feeling guilt about a decision does not mean it is a bad decision. 

Very often what it actually means is that we’ve run afoul of our trauma conditioning, and old guardrails are kicking in. 

A specific example of what I’m talking about often happens when survivors have chosen to cut off contact, temporary or permanently, with abusive people or institutions (such as a church or community). 

In my experience, very few people take the decision to go “no contact” lightly— and, even if we’re quite sure that we need to do it in order to bolster our safety or stability, we still feel guilty and anxious about it. 

You need to know a few things about those feelings. For starters, you need to know those feelings are normal— it’d be weird to NOT feel guilty and anxious when you’re setting firm boundaries, such as “no contact,” with people or institutions that have been in your life for years. 

You also need to know that those feelings of guilt and anxiety don’t mean you’ve made a bad or unnecessary decision. 

Because a decision is hard doesn’t mean it’s wrong. 

Reinforcing and living our trauma recovery very often means sticking with decisions we know we had to make— but we hated making, and we hate sticking to. 

It takes courage. 

It takes toughness. 

Fortunately, trauma survivors are literally the most courageous, toughest subset of human beings I have ever met. 

This— sticking with our Recovery Supporting Decisions (RSD’s) even when it’s hard, even when Trauma Brain is trying to f*ck with us, even when every scrap of old conditioning is making us feel like sh*t about it— is where the rubber meets the road in recovery. 

You are up to this moment. 

You are up to this task. 

I guarantee it.