The zen of cutting yourself some slack in trauma recovery.

Sometimes you only had the choices you had— and they sucked. 

Your trauma conditioning is going to try to beat the snot out of you for it. 

Trauma Brain is going to try to tell you you are “responsible” for the sh*tty choice you made— conveniently ignoring the fact that there were no non-sh*tty alternatives. 

Don’t get me wrong: we are responsible for our choices. 

But we also need to acknowledge the realistic limitations of our options. 

That’s not an excuse. That’s reality. 

Maybe we can ease up on ourselves for going with the less sh*tty of the sh*tty choices we had. 

Why does this matter? It matters because realistic, sustainable trauma recovery depends on the relationship that we create and sustain with ourselves. 

In trauma recovery we need to make the inside of our head and heart a safe place for us to be, in all our authenticity and vulnerability. 

To create that kind of internal safety, we need to commit to creating a safe relationship with ourselves. 

That means no attacking ourselves. 

That means no shaming ourselves. 

That means dealing with guilt constructively— and not letting guilt about something we did, metastasize not shame about who we are. 

The traumatized nervous system is frequently buzzing with hypervigilance and teetering on the precipice of flashback. We can’t afford the stress and exhaustion of attacking ourselves on top of all that. 

Understand: it’s not that trauma survivors WANT to attack or shame ourselves. It’s what we’ve been CONDITIONED to do. 

If we’re gonna undo that conditioning and recondition new patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving, it’s all gotta start with our conscious, committed decision to NOT attack or shame ourselves, to the extent that we have any say in the matter. 

You’re very likely going to find yourself reflexively attacking or shaming yourself, telling yourself that you’re to blame for a painful outcome because you were the one who made the sh*tty choice. 

When you hear you talking to yourself like that, it’s real important to clock the fact that that’s trauma conditioning kicking in. 

That’s an old record playing— and you need to step in, to scratch that record. 

So you do. You breathe; you blink; you focus; you hit the “reset” button— and then you choose your next words to yourself carefully. 

You acknowledge the reality that, look, choices are often imperfect, just like people, including you, are imperfect— and berating yourself will not bring you closer to perfection. 

You acknowledge the reality that there was very likely no choice that would have put you in a much better position than you’re in now— no matter what fantasy Trauma Brain is trying to spin about the road not taken. 

You cut yourself some slack. You talk to your inner child, telling them that, eh, some days you win, some days you lose, and some days it rains. 

You affirm to yourself that giving yourself a break, right here, right now, in your head, will NOT send you down a slippery slope to denying and disowning responsibility for your choices. 

If you were interested in denying and disowning responsibility for your choices, chances are very good you would not have read this far into this blog. 

In other words: you’re cool to yourself. 

You treat yourself like someone you care about and value. 

You give yourself the benefit of the doubt. 

You have your own back. 

This is how we change our nervous system. 

This is how we scratch the record. 

One decision, one reaction, one day at a time. 

Breathe; blink; focus.