Once upon a time in trauma recovery.

Once upon a time, the fact that the abused you meant, to you, that you were “gross.” 

Now, you realize: they were gross. 

Once upon a time, the fact that you were neglected meant, to you, that you were “unloveable.” 

Now, you realize: their inability to love or care for you was about them, not you. 

Once upon a time, the fact that you struggled with symptoms meant, to you, that you were “weak.” 

Now, you realize: you have symptoms precisely because you had to be too strong, for too long. 

Once upon a time, the fact that you dissociate meant, to you, that you “couldn’t handle” what was happening. 

Now, you realize: dissociation WAS how you handled what was happening. 

Once upon a time, the fact that their abuse left physical scars on you meant that you would forever be faced with a reminder of their torture. 

Now, you realize: your scars mean a hell of a lot more than anything they did to you. 

Once upon a time, the fact that you expense trauma responses meant, to you, that you were “crazy.” 

Now, you realize: fight, flight, freeze, flop, and fawn all make sense to a nervous system that has been subjected to traumatic stress. 

Once upon a time, the fact that complex trauma scrambled your attachment style and behavior meant, to you, that you would never meaningfully connect with a romanic partner. 

Now, you realize: there are plenty of people out there also committed to woking their own recovery— and survivors working their recovery with commitment and consistency can make excellent romantic partners. Including you. 

Once upon a time, the fact that you had nightmares meant, to you, that you would never get a restful night’s sleep ever again. 

Now, you realize: we have nightmares when we don’t have the tools or support to consciously process intense feelings of fear and helplessness— but once we start bringing awareness and putting words to what’s happening in our head and heart, the symptom of nightmares often resolves. 

Once upon a time, the fact that you struggled with eating meant, for you, that food and mealtimes would never be a source of pleasure or connection. 

Now, you realize: our relationship with food is just like any other relationship in our lives— it is responsive to care and investment, and it can be handled one interaction at a time. 

Once upon a time, the fact that you feel regret or shame about past decisions meant that you “had” to hate and berate yourself. 

Now, you realize: hating and berating yourself is recreating, in your own head, what your bullies and abusers did to you— and you don’t have to play along. 

Once upon a time, the fact that the people who share your name and DNA did not love or care for you, meant, to you, that you were not worthy of love and care. 

Now, you realize: the people who share your name and DNA may not be “your people” after all— and that may be the good news. 

Once upon a time, the fact that complex trauma is overwhelming and panful and prolonged meant, to you, that you were just screwed. That your life was just over. 

Now, you realize: it’s not too late. It’s never too late. 

For anybody and everybody reading my words right now, it is not too late. 

Once upon a time, you felt like you would never love or trust yourself, ever again. 

Now, you realize: love and trust are verbs. Loving and trusting yourself begins with “acting as if,” even if you’re not feeling it just now. 

Once upon a time, you thought you had to figure out your entire trauma recovery right now. That you had to see the whole staircase. 

Now, you realize: you just need to take the next step. 

That’s it. 

Now is not once upon a time. 

Be here now. 

Breathe, blink, focus.