Yup, boundaries and assertiveness are core recovery skills. (Ugh, I know.)

“Not caring what they think” is easier said than done. 

Everyone tells us we “shouldn’t care what they think.” 

Everyone tells us that, to build real self-esteem, we have to be completely self-reliant. That we have to only work about what WE think of ourselves— not “them.” 

But it’s never quite that simple, is it? 

The truth is, we do have to care what some people think, at least some of the time. 

Very few of us are in a position where we can completely disregard EVERYBODY’S feelings and opinions about us. 

For that matter, very few of us truly want that— to just not care about others’ feelings. 

Many of us were hurt by people who did not care about our feelings and needs— and we don’t want to be like them. 

I’ve never been a fan of the “don’t care about what anybody else thinks” advice. 

I don’t think it’s realistic. I don’t think it’s practical. And, frankly, it’s not the kind of person I want to be. 

I know what people mean when they say it, I think. I think when people encourage survivors to “not care what anyone else thinks,” they’re trying to free us from stressing out about others’ expectations. 

It’s true that many trauma survivors have a counterproductive, often painful, habit of defining our worth based on what others think, feel, and need. 

It’s true that trauma survivors very often neglect our own feelings and needs in order to cater to others’ feelings and needs, especially if “fawn” is our go-to trauma response. 

It’s true, in other words, that an important recovery task for many survivors is keeping others’ feelings and needs in perspectives, and not sacrificing our own feelings and needs to mollify someone else. 

But does that mean we have to completely sacrifice our sensitivity to others’ feelings and needs if we want to recover? No. 

A core trauma recovery skill almost every survivor, including me, needs to work on is interpersonal effectiveness. Wrapped up in this skill are the twin skills of assertiveness and boundaries. 

The truth is, we can— and should, in my opinion— care about what others think about us, what they feel and need…but we need to have boundaries with how we’re willing to respond to all of it. 

And, in order to enforce our boundaries— remembering that boundaries are limits we place on ourselves, not anyone else— we need confidence that we have and will use our assertiveness skills. 

Yeah. Those can be daunting tasks for many trauma survivors. Many survivors had a reaction just reading those two sentences. The words “boundaries” and “assertiveness” come with a LOT of surplus meaning for many survivors. 

Here’s the good news: we don’t have to completely give up caring what other people think, or feel, or need. That’d be unrealistic and uncomfortable for most of us, including me. 

Here’s the tough news: if we’re going to continue caring about what others think, feel, and need, we need to have our boundaries and assertiveness skills in working order. 

Otherwise we’re just asking to live in a perpetual “fawn” state. And most everybody reading this, I suspect, is mighty sick of that. 

Back to the good news, though: we don’t have to learn or perfect boundary setting OR assertiveness skills all at once. 

We learn and refine these skills just like we learn and refine any skill. 

Say it with me: one day at a time.