You are not a “burden” in relationships.

You’re not a burden in relationships. That is, you’re not any more of a burden than ANY of us are in relationships. 

Because the truth is, we’re kind of ALL burdens. 

We kind of ALL have special needs. 

Is it true that those of us who are in trauma recovery have particularly special needs? I suppose— but our needs aren’t all that much more “special” or “burdensome” than many other peoples’ relationship needs. 

Part of the point of getting into relationships is to assume part of our partners’ burdens— to take on at least some of their burdensomeness. 

Have you ever been in a relationship where the other person was hell bent on NOT letting you take on ANY of their “burden?” They’re not particularly satisfying.

If I enter into a relationship with you, I WANT to assume at least some of the burden that is you. 

I WANT to worry about you, at least some. 

I WANT to share your pain. 

I WANT to help you feel and function better than you otherwise would without me. 

Is it “burdensome” to get into relationships at all? You bet— but that’s a feature, not a glitch. 

Many trauma survivors— myself included— do this thing where we think we are nothing BUT burdens to our partners. Many of us avoid relationships because we HATE feeling like burdens. 

I’ll spoil the suspense: you ARE a burden— and so am I. So is every human being on the planet. We ALL have needs— and sharing those needs is a big part of what EVERY relationship, personal or professional, is about. 

We trauma survivors hate that part of relationships, though— sharing our burdens and needs— because we’re often ashamed of our burdens and needs. 

Many trauma survivors are thoroughly convinced that we are nothing BUT burdensome in relationships— that we bring nothing to the table in compensation for or balance with our burdens and needs. 

That’s not reality. That’s Trauma Brain bullsh*t. 

Don’t get me wrong: I believe you when you say you thoroughly BELIEVE yourself to be all burden, all cost and no benefit, all downside and no upside. That’s very often what we survivors very throughly do believe about ourselves. 

But it just ain’t so. 

By trying to minimize or hide our needs to reduce the “burden” we supposedly inflict on our relationship partners, we’re depriving them of one of the most important relationship experiences possible: to give of themselves. 

I know, I know. We HATE the idea of “making” someone give of themselves— but the good news about that is, we can’t “make” anyone do anything. 

If someone is in a relationship with us, that’s part of the deal. 

We don’t get all the fun of caring for our partner— we have to let our partner have the fun of caring for us in some ways, too. 

(Yes, I said “fun”— because caring for a partner you love can be one of the most enjoyable experiences there is.) 

You bring things to the table in relationships. Yes, you. Wonderful things. 

One of those wonderful things is your neediness. Your burdensomeness. 

Letting someone love us is on of the most loving— and, for trauma survivors, one of the most complicated— things we can ever do.