Breakups and Trauma Brain.

Breakups often suck under the best of circumstances. 

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes they don’t suck, at least not entirely. If a relationship is stagnant or painful enough to end, breaking up might be the first bit of relatively good news n awhile. 

But in general, breakups are recognized as one of the more painful human experiences out there. 

Breakups often suck— but when we’ve survived trauma, breakups are often especially complicated, emotionally. 

No mater how gentle or mutual a breakup is, for complex trauma survivors, they often scrape up feelings of rejection and abandonment from “back then.”

I was once criticized by a well-known (at least, in his mind) psychoanalytic therapist on Twitter for writing one of these blogs about the abandonment fears of trauma survivors. His position was, everybody has abandonment issues— why emphasize the particular abandonment issues of trauma survivors? 

My response— which got me blocked by him— was that, sure, maybe a lot of people have abandonment issues…but THIS particular blog was about the specific abandonment issues of trauma survivors. 

Because the rejection and abandonment issues that arise from complex trauma aren’t quite the same as the universal, abstract “abandonment issues” experienced by everyone, are they? 

Many complex trauma survivors struggle with NEVER feeling wanted. 

Many survivors struggle with NEVER feeling like enough. 

Many survivors struggle with feeling misunderstood— especially by those who are “supposed” to understand them. 

And many survivors struggle with feeling unloved— especially by those who were “supposed” to love them the most. 

When all that forms our basic programming, our base layer of conditioning about ourselves and relationships, relationship endings in adulthood can trigger particularly strong feelings and reactions. 

No matter how amicable or mutual— or not— a breakup is, for a complex trauma survivor it can trigger strong emotional flashbacks. 

We can feel small. 

We can feel alone. 

We can feel unwanted. 

We can feel unworthy. 

Our “adult” brain might know all of that is “irrational.” As adults, we know that relationships end— that relatively few relationships last indefinitely, and breakups are a fact of life for even the most desirable, “together” people. 

But our Trauma Brain may not know that. 

Our Trauma Brain might be holding up this breakup as evidence that we’ll never get it together. 

It might be pointing to this breakup as evidence that no one will EVER want us. Not really. 

When we’ve survived complex trauma, we need to be compassionate and patient with ourselves every day— but particularly when we go through something like a breakup. 

The temptation is going to be to beat the sh*t out of ourselves. 

The temptation is going to be to relapse. 

The temptation is going to be to act out. 

The temptation is going to be to list all the reasons why we are unlovable and will be forever alone. 

We need to rest that temptation. 

We need to work our recovery even as we work through our breakup. 

It’s not easy. Just like every f*cking recovery task. 

But the fact is, even if you’ve been dumped or had to dump someone, it doesn’t mean what your inner prosecutor wants to claim it means. 

Really.