There is no shame in having been abused.
Having been abused is painful— but not shameful. Toward you, anyway.
Abuse is plenty shameful— to the perpetrator of the abuse.
But not to you.
There is no shame in having been coerced.
Coercion hurts— but it is not shameful to have been coerced. Smart, strong people are coerced every day.
The only shame in a situation of coercion belongs to the perpetrator of that coercion.
But not to you.
There is no shame in having trauma responses.
Trauma responses suck— but there is no shame in our nervous system reacting like the human nervous system reacts to trauma.
The only shame here belongs to the people who should have supported or protected you— but didn’t.
They should be ashamed.
Not you.
There is no shame in struggling to love yourself. Survivors of trauma frequently struggle with liking, loving, and caring for themselves, due to the fact that experiencing trauma tends to seriously mess with self-esteem.
Struggling to love or care for yourself after trauma is normal— not shameful.
Not to you, anyway.
Your struggles with loving and caring for yourself should evoke shame in the people whose role it was to communicate and reinforce to you that you are unconditionally loved and worthy— no matter what happens to you.
They should be ashamed. Not you.
This isn’t a blog about “blame.” Honestly, I’ve never gotten a lot of mileage out of blame in my own trauma recovery. Your mileage may vary.
I have, however, gotten mileage out of reminding myself that any shame that surrounds my abuse is not, actually, mine to carry.
That shame belongs to those who are responsible for what happened to me.
Not that I have high hopes of an of them ever actually feeling any shame, mind you.
In my experience, the perpetrators of abuse and neglect aren’t particular champions of taking responsibility— or feeling shame.
But that doesn’t especially matter, at least to me. I’m not sure I’d feel much better if the people who abused me did experience shame. After all, whether or not they feel anything in particular, I still have to carry and process what’s in my head, heart, and body.
The important thing is: this shame is not mine to carry.
Neither you nor I are responsible for things that happen TO us.
Whether we were children or adults at the time, abuse, neglect, coercion, and other trauma are not things we chose— nor are the symptoms and struggles we experience as a result.
Our abusers and bullies may not ever experience particular shame over what they did or enabled.
But part of working our trauma recovery is reminding ourselves, again and again: what happened to us is not shameful.
How we are processing and reacting to it is not shameful.
Having to work a recovery is not shameful.
Not to us, anyway.
Breathe; blink; focus.
Use Your Damn Skills 