drglenndoyle

Post traumatic self-esteem: an anti-bullsh*t operation.

One thing realistically raising our self-esteem is NOT about, is bullsh*t. 

Sometimes trauma survivors can get tripped up when trying to raise our self-esteem, because we think that we have to say or think nice things about ourselves that we don’t really mean. 

Raising our opinion of ourselves seems to us to be inauthentic, because we just don’t believe those nice things. 

The good news is, I can assure you, actually raising our self esteem, especially after we’ve experienced trauma, has absolutely zero to do with bullsh*tting ourselves. 

For that matter: not only does bullsh*tting ourselves NOT build self-esteem— it actually tanks our self-esteem further. 

Raising self-esteem doesn’t really have much of anything to do with gassing ourselves up. 

It’s true that sustainable trauma recovery does require us to quit using the tool of self-talk to beat the living sh*t out of ourselves— but that doesn’t mean we need to turn around and start saying things to or about ourselves that we don’t mean. 

Real self esteem is never, ever built on bullsh*t. 

What it is built on, is living consciously. Living responsibly. Living with integrity. 

None of that requires bullsh*t— in fact, quite the opposite. 

When we are bullsh*tting ourselves or other people, we are way afield of integrity and personal responsibility— and our self-esteem very often pays the price. 

I don’t know who sold us on this lie that self esteem was about approving of everything we do, or saying things to our about ourselves that we don’t really mean— but whoever it was didn’t know the first thing about self-esteem in the real world. 

To actually build or rebuild self-esteem after surviving trauma, focus on being present and making decisions that align with your values— not the preferences or desires of other people. 

We build real self-esteem when we quit blaming ourselves for sh*t we had no control over— and lying to ourselves about how we somehow caused our own abuse or neglect— and shift our focus to things we CAN influence (not “control”— key difference) now. 

We build real self esteem when we get OUT of the habit of checking out when triggers hit. 

We build real self esteem when we commit to radically accepting ourselves, just as we are— even as we work to change aspects of ourselves or our lives we don’t love. 

That’s what real self-esteem is about: living life on purpose, not on default. 

(If you’re interested, my thinking about self-esteem was heavily influenced by a psychologist named Nathaniel Branden, whose writing I can’t recommend highly enough). 

Yes, building self-esteem does require us to quit attacking, harming, or abusing ourselves like our bullies and abusers did. 

But it does not ask us to pretend to be or do anything that we’re not. 

We build self-esteem by getting MORE real, not by saying or doing things because we think we’re “supposed” to. 

drglenndoyle

Going our own way.

A rough part of CPTSD recovery is that we often have to disregard well meaning advice from smart people in our lives. 

That can be a bigger mind f*ck than we sometimes appreciate. 

The thing about CPTSD is that it every often does a number on our self-esteem and self-concept. 

Whereas PTSD often makes us afraid of the world, CPTSD can often make us uncertain about ourselves. 

And when we’re uncertain about ourselves, we want to turn to people we trust to help us understand what things mean and what to do. 

Unfortunately, many of the people in our lives, even the smartest, best intentioned people, don’t understand trauma or what trauma recovery requires. 

They’ll tell us that in order to sleep better, we need a dark, quiet room— you know, the standard “sleep hygiene” suggestions. 

They’ll tell us that in order to feel and function better, we need to have a “positive attitude.” 

They’ll tell us that in order to feel better physically, we need to follow very specific diet and exercise routines that have us policing and judging our eating and movement. 

Anybody who struggles with CPTSD or has delved its what we know about realistic, sustainable trauma recover knows that many suggestions that may be good for non-traumatized nervous and endocrine systems, get turned on their had for trauma survivors. 

And this invites what we call cognitive dissonance: what we know from our lived experience is at odds with what we’re being told by smart people we trust. 

As I say: it’s a mind f*ck. 

And all that is before the feelings of guilt and confusion that arise when we contemplate NOT following the advice that our smart, well meaning friends and acquaintances have offered. 

The reality is that much of our trauma recovery, we have to design and develop and implement on our own. 

Many of the things we really do need, really won’t be understandable to people who are not inside our head and our skin. 

Many survivors don’t have a lot of experience in pushing back against what we are being told or encouraged to do by others— and many of us also have experience with being shamed or punished when we go our own way. 

None of this is easy. 

As I’ve said often, trauma recovery can be a dark ride and a lonely road. 

Remember that our first responsibility in this whole thing is not to anyone else’s feelings, or even to our relationship with anyone else— our first responsibility is to our safety, stability, and recovery. 

I know. I wish this was easier, too. 

But realistic recovery requires us to develop a stronger sense of personal identity than many human beings get around to developing in their entire lifetimes. 

Easy does it. Just take this one day, one hour, one micro choice at a time. 


Breathe; blink; focus; and do the next right thing— for you.