Something that happens in realistic trauma recovery is, we realize we no longer want to be around people or institutions that hurt us.
It can be a weird feeling. Especially if we grew up with those people or institutions.
We might even be attached to those people or institutions on some level.
But we often get to the point where the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze when it comes to engaging with them any longer.
It can be bittersweet.
It can be especially bittersweet if we have other people in our life encouraging us to reconcile with those people or institutions.
We all know people like this— who think it’s their job to mend fences, even if they have no idea why those fences are damaged in the first place.
Some people— including ourselves— hate the idea that there are some things that can happen in relationships that functionally mean the end of those relationships.
But the reality is, engaging with people or institutions that hurt us exacts a cost.
We have to expend energy to tolerate being around them.
We have to expend energy managing the triggers they scrape up.
We have to expend energy staying grounded, to the extent that we can stay grounded.
We have to expend energy managing the reactions and needs of the “parts” of ourselves that hold the memories and feelings associated with the past.
Those energy expenditures add up— and they can be exhausting.
Add to that the fact that continuing to engage with many people or institutions from our past is simply not value added for many of us.
We don’t get anything positive from it. We don’t need it.
All engaging with those people or institutions does for us is allow us to pretend we’re somehow “over it.” Which, news flash, we almost never are.
(Even if we were or are “over it,” that STILL doesn’t mean the juice is worth the squeeze when it comes to engaging with certain people and institutions from our past.)
Make no mistake: you and I are under absolutely no obligation to continue engaging with people and institutions that hurt us.
We don’t have a “duty.” We don’t have a “responsibility.”
And anyone who has the expectation that we’ll continue engaging with people or institutions that hurt us just because we “should” (or, at least they think we “should”) is delusional.
We can set that limit with ourselves— “no looking back.”
Even if it means we’ll have to break some longstanding traditions.
Even if it means we might disappoint or confuse someone.
Even if it means someone might decide we’re “difficult” or “high maintenance” or “dramatic” to set that limit.
By the way, choosing to no longer engage with people or institutions that hurt us isn’t “difficult,” or “high maintenance,” or “dramatic.”
But even if it was? F*ck it. Be “difficult.” Be “high maintenance.” Be “dramatic.”
But do not be a human being who feels trapped or controlled by others’ expectations.
Not anymore— not ever again.
Breathe; blink; focus.
Use Your Damn Skills 