drglenndoyle

Psst. “Gaslighting yourself” is not a thing.

Yes, you and I might run patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that have been conditioned by our past experiences. That’s how conditioning works. 

It doesn’t mean we’re “doing it to ourselves.” 

I understand what people mean when they implore us to “stop gaslighting ourselves”— but I’ve never been comfortable with that language. 

We don’t “gaslight ourselves.” 

Gaslighting is an abuse tactic. 

In using the term “gaslighting ourselves,” we’re shifting blame from those who abused us— those who really did gaslight us— to us. 

Us being vulnerable to an abuser’s gaslighting is not us “gaslighting ourselves”— even if we’re still vulnerable to it or suffering from it years after that abusers is out of our life. 

Some people assume that if an abuser is gone— maybe even dead— then the gaslighting is gone, too. 

I wish that was the case. 

When people ask me to define “emotional abuse,” my most common answer involves some variant of the phrase, “head games.” 

Emotional abuse is an abuser f*cking with our head— and it can be notoriously difficult to hold abusers accountable for emotional abuse, specifically because of the “we’re doing it to ourselves” myth. 

That’s why I can’t let it go with “stop gaslighting yourself.” I see it repeated on social media, and every time I do, I want to remind survivors: you are NOT “doing this to yourself.” 

Running old patterns is NOT a “choice.” It’s how conditioning works, how programming works, how learned helplessness works, how CPTSD works. 

Saying “stop gaslighting yourself” implies it’s a “choice” you can just “stop.” 

This is more than semantics. Words mean things, and survivors have had tropes like “gaslighting yourself” used against us forever. 

We can’t just “stop” a program or pattern we’ve been running, especially one that includes gaslighting and other emotional abuse. 

What we can do is work to understand what it is and realize when it’s happening. 

What we can do is work to identify and de-shame our triggers. 

What we can do is develop an understanding of how Trauma Brain, the internalized voices of our abusers and bullies, keeps their gaslighting and other head games quite active inside us, sometimes years after our abusers aren’t around anymore. 

I understand “stop gaslighting yourself” is a cute, catchy social media trope. 

But I think we have to be incredibly mindful of the language we use to describe our pain and our needs in trauma recovery— especially when it’s around an issue that so easily devolves into cultural skepticism and victim blaming as gaslighting. 

Stop demanding you simply “stop” behaviors you’ve been conditioned into over years. 

Remind yourself that patterns take time to unwind and unwire. 

Repeat to yourself, “grace over guilt,” every time you run into that pattern. 

A good place to start with unraveling patterns is breathe; blink; and focus on the new pattern you’re trying to condition. 

Patience and realism, all the way home. 

drglenndoyle

You are not “stupid.”

You are not “stupid.” 

The fact you are struggling has noting to do with intelligence. Or “character,” for that matter. 

No amount of intelligence or character makes us immune to the impact of trauma. 

But: there are many survivors reading this right now who have been convinced they’re “stupid.” 

They’ve been convinced that if only they were “smarter,” they would suffer less. 

I hate to tell you this, but the absolute smartest people I’ve ever met have been absolutely tortured by their trauma symptoms. 

In fact, trauma conditioning has this way of actually turning our intelligence against us. Nobody overthinks like a trauma survivor who is being used to logic their way out of a jam. 

Especially when our trauma involved abuse or neglect growing up, it’s very easy to believe those things happen dot us because we were “stupid.” 

Growing up, people may have talked to us as if we were “stupid.” 

A primary tool in the arsenal of many mental and emotional abusers is the implication or accusation that we are unintelligent— that if we were only smarter, we should understand that the way they related to us was fine. 

That we would “get the joke.” 

Survivors of narcissistic abuse in particular may have been subjected to constant messaging about how smart we are not— because pathological narcissists actually do believe that everyone with whom they interact is significantly less intelligent than they are. 

Our beliefs about ourselves very often echo what we were told about ourselves most often growing up, and how we were consistently treated growing up. So you can imagine what growing up with a pathological narcissist does to our self-esteem. 

(Many of us, myself included, don’t have to “imagine” that, actually.) 

Even if we wanted to take a stand and declare that we are not, in point of fact, “stupid,” many of us have been conditioned to believe that standing up for ourselves is “arrogant’ or “prideful.” 

Yes, abusers would very much prefer if we just shut up and took their abuse without question or protest, thank you very much. 

For many of us, embracing our intelligence is daunting, because even if we know we may be smarter man average, we’ve been conditioned to doubt and distrust ourselves. 

It is almost impossible to build realistic, sustainable self-esteem when we are constantly doubting and distrusting our own judgment and instincts— and abusers know this. 

Hence why gaslighting is such a common, and effective, tool for them. 

You are not “stupid.” 

I’m repeating it for a reason. Because you are not “stupid.” 

I don’t care what kind of grades you got. 

I don’t care what messages you received from any teacher or parent or peer. 

I don’t even care what any IQ test you’ve ever taken says. 

(Sometime when I’m not publicly ranting about trauma, I’ll tell  y’all the truth about IQ tests. It’s not petty.)

The messaging you received from your bullies and abusers about your lack of intelligence was fake news. It had nothing to do with reality— and everything to do with their desire to make you feel a certain kind of way. 

There are many kinds of intelligence— and as we work our trauma recovery, we reacquaint ourselves with the many ways we are, in fact, f*cking brilliant. 

I will die on the hill of: trauma survivors who have survived the sh*t we’ve survived are very often secret geniuses. 

It’s time to stop denying and disowning our genius. 

It’s time to start making our intelligence work for us— one day at a time.