Yes, you and I might run patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that have been conditioned by our past experiences. That’s how conditioning works.
It doesn’t mean we’re “doing it to ourselves.”
I understand what people mean when they implore us to “stop gaslighting ourselves”— but I’ve never been comfortable with that language.
We don’t “gaslight ourselves.”
Gaslighting is an abuse tactic.
In using the term “gaslighting ourselves,” we’re shifting blame from those who abused us— those who really did gaslight us— to us.
Us being vulnerable to an abuser’s gaslighting is not us “gaslighting ourselves”— even if we’re still vulnerable to it or suffering from it years after that abusers is out of our life.
Some people assume that if an abuser is gone— maybe even dead— then the gaslighting is gone, too.
I wish that was the case.
When people ask me to define “emotional abuse,” my most common answer involves some variant of the phrase, “head games.”
Emotional abuse is an abuser f*cking with our head— and it can be notoriously difficult to hold abusers accountable for emotional abuse, specifically because of the “we’re doing it to ourselves” myth.
That’s why I can’t let it go with “stop gaslighting yourself.” I see it repeated on social media, and every time I do, I want to remind survivors: you are NOT “doing this to yourself.”
Running old patterns is NOT a “choice.” It’s how conditioning works, how programming works, how learned helplessness works, how CPTSD works.
Saying “stop gaslighting yourself” implies it’s a “choice” you can just “stop.”
This is more than semantics. Words mean things, and survivors have had tropes like “gaslighting yourself” used against us forever.
We can’t just “stop” a program or pattern we’ve been running, especially one that includes gaslighting and other emotional abuse.
What we can do is work to understand what it is and realize when it’s happening.
What we can do is work to identify and de-shame our triggers.
What we can do is develop an understanding of how Trauma Brain, the internalized voices of our abusers and bullies, keeps their gaslighting and other head games quite active inside us, sometimes years after our abusers aren’t around anymore.
I understand “stop gaslighting yourself” is a cute, catchy social media trope.
But I think we have to be incredibly mindful of the language we use to describe our pain and our needs in trauma recovery— especially when it’s around an issue that so easily devolves into cultural skepticism and victim blaming as gaslighting.
Stop demanding you simply “stop” behaviors you’ve been conditioned into over years.
Remind yourself that patterns take time to unwind and unwire.
Repeat to yourself, “grace over guilt,” every time you run into that pattern.
A good place to start with unraveling patterns is breathe; blink; and focus on the new pattern you’re trying to condition.
Patience and realism, all the way home.
Use Your Damn Skills 