One of my challenges in trauma recovery is touching my wounds with forgiveness.
Many survivors, including me, are tempted to touch our wounds with frustration.
We are tempted to touch our wounds with bitterness.
We are tempted to touch our wounds with shame.
We are tempted to touch our wounds with self-blame.
Of course we are. These wounds that were inflicted up on us that we call “trauma” are a seemingly endless source of pain for many of us.
It would be weird not to be tempted to touch those wounds with acrimony.
But one of the lessons I’ve learned in my own recovery is that it doesn’t particularly matter why we are touching our wounds as we are— our wounds will absolutely respond to how we touch them.
If we touch our trauma wounds with hostility, they will absolutely throb and deepen and reopen.
Our trauma wounds are painful enough. They don’t need us touching them with malice.
If we’re going to touch our trauma wounds, we need to touch them with tenderness.
We need to touch our trauma wounds with humanity.
We need to touch our trauma wounds with love.
That can be totally counterintuitive for trauma survivors who have been conditioned to hate and blame and shame ourselves for our symptoms and reactions and needs.
We were told, over and over again, that these things we feel and these reactions we have make us “weak.”
We’ve been called “needy” for them. We’ve been told we are “oversensitive” and that we “overreact” and that we need to “let it all go.”
Over time it only makes sense that we would get in the habit of repeating those things that we heard again and again and again— often from the very people who also claimed to “love” or “support” us— to ourselves.
That is to say, we got in the habit of touching our trauma wounds with venom.
But we are not going to heal or recover from our trauma with venom.
I know how hard it is to be nice to ourselves when we’ve been conditioned to hate ourselves.
I know hard it is to trust ourselves when we’ve been programmed to distrust ourselves.
Every attempt we make to support and nurture ourselves in trauma recovery is going to be met with conditioning that insists— convincingly, often— that we do not deserve kindness or forgiveness or patience or compassion.
Every single day in trauma recovery we will be working against programing that was installed and reinforced by our bullies and abusers over years.
Touching our trauma wounds with forgiveness will not come naturally, in other words.
It’s going to feel weird. It’s going to feel wrong. It’s going to be hard.
But the fact that Trauma Brain does not want us to touch our wounds with forgiveness is a pretty good indication that doing so is essential to realistic, sustainable recovery.
Touch your trauma wounds with forgiveness, even when it’s hard.
Even when it’s awkward.
Even when parts of you are urging you to scratch and claw and jab at those wounds.
Touch your trauma wounds with the same kind of gentleness and love you would use to touch a beloved pet that is hurting.
If I can do it, you can do it.
(And if I struggle with it, it’s okay for you to struggle with it.)
Patience and self-compassion are not optional accessories on this recovery journey. They are non-negotiable tools we use every day.
And like any tool, they get easier to wield as we get more practice with them.
Easy does it.
Easy, easy does it.
Use Your Damn Skills 