Use Your Damn Skills

If you want a change to stick, make it as simple as possible and make it as easy as possible. 

Sounds pretty straightforward, right? 

You’d be surprised at how often we overcomplicate these things— then make them as hard as possible to follow through on. 

I say “we,” because I do it too!

It doesn’t matter how smart we are, how committed we are, or how much we really WANT the change to stick. 

Human beings just have a track record of making things more complicated and more difficult than they need to be. 

The way we do this most often is, we try to pull off too much at once. 

We take a look at a change we want to make, and we decide that the ENTIRE change needs to happen at once. 

We don’t stop to think that most changes we want to make include steps or preparation. 

For example, many people begin the new year wanting to make changes in how they eat. 

No more crap, they’ll decide. I eat healthy things and healthy amounts, now. 

Do you realize how complicated a thing this seemingly “simple” statement is? 

There are multiple steps that “eating healthy foods and amounts” entails. 

One step is looking up recipes. 

Another step is getting rid of the unhealthy stuff in your kitchen and house. 

Another step is meal planning and scheduling. 

And all of that doesn’t even touch the REAL work involved in that project: identifying and developing the coping skills you’re going to need for when you WANT to eat unhealthy things in unhealthy amounts— as you’ve been programmed and conditioned to do over the years. 

We do this ALL THE TIME. 

Instead of tackling one step of a change, we blithely declare the we’re just going to, you know, make the change…and thus we take on a bunch of complexity that we didn’t even realize was there (overcomplicating it) without taking steps to make it less painful (making it harder than it needs to be). 

We humans really can change our behavior. 

But we need to do it in a way that makes sense. 

We need to do it in a way that doesn’t set us up to fail. 

And we need to do it in a way that is straightforward— and is as easy as is practical. 

Sometimes, people are reluctant to make a plan that IS straightforward and relatively easier, specifically because it seems TOO straightforward and easy. 

They think, if change was that easy, I would have made it by now, right? So this straightforward plan CAN’T be the way. 

I’m here to tell you: most change that happens in the real world happens as the result of plans that are simple, straightforward, and don’t require you to move heaven and earth. 

Most changes that do NOT happen, get stalled out because the plan’s too convoluted, tries to deal with too many steps at once, and includes the experience of a lot of pain up front. 

Is it any wonder why those plans don’t work? 

Don’t try to be a hero. 

Make your plan as realistic as possible. 

Only deal with one step at a time. 

Don’t ask yourself to leap tall buildings in a single bound. 

Change can, and does, happen….but it usually happens in nudges. 

 

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By far, the hardest part of this whole “recovery” and “personal growth” thing for most people is taking baby steps. 

It’s enormously frustrating to have to take baby steps. 

We want to take bigger steps. 

We want to get this process over with. 

We’re impatient. 

Or at least I am. 

A lot of the time it’s hard to be motivated by baby steps. 

Why should we get fired up, excited, enthusiastic about taking one teeny, tiny step? 

After all, advancing by one little step doesn’t seem to be much improvement over where we are right now. 

Why bother? 

We take baby steps because baby steps are not overwhelming. 

Baby steps are doable. 

We can realistically see ourselves taking baby steps. We can wrap our brains around those teeny, tiny steps. 

We do things that we think we can do, and we avoid things we don’t think we can do. 

By thinking of our journeys not as these huge leaps, but rather as a collection of one baby step, then another, then another…we can start to really believe that we can, and will, make significant progress. 

But a lot of people struggle with the very idea of baby steps. 

They want to recover now. 

They take a baby step, and they think, hey, that wasn’t so hard! How about I try to take, I don’t know, fifty more of those steps, RIGHT NOW? 

And then they get overwhelmed. 

Holding ourselves back and taking our recovery or our growth slowly is not as easy as it seems. 

It requires patience. 

It requires faith in the process. 

It requires a great dal of maturity. 

You do not want your life to change all at once. 

If your life changes all at once, you’re likely to freak out and do everything you can to change it back— even if the way it was before was painful. 

For change to happen and “stick” in the real world, it needs to happen in stages. 

Change needs to be given time to breathe. 

We need time to get used to the change. 

It sounds counterintuitive, but many people stick with what is familiar rather than tolerate a sudden, drastic change…even if the familiar is painful. 

We solve that problem with any steps. 

Small changes, day by day. 

Little changes change everything, over time. 

But in the meantime, we have to calm down, take the long view, and learn to wait as we adjust and adapt to the changes we’re making. 

It’s not easy. 

It’s often not interesting or fun. 

But it’s how change happens in the real world. 

 

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You have different parts of you— and they experience and need different things. 

One of the biggest problems we run into in life, is thinking that we are, or should be, always of one mind. 

That just isn’t reality. 

We have parts of us that think, feel, experience, want, and need different things than other parts. 

Sometimes our parts are DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSED to other parts. 

For years, I’ve worked with people who struggle with Dissociative Identity Disorder, the psychiatric condition formerly (and popularly) known as “Multiple Personality Disorder.” 

One of the main things I’ve learned doing this work is that EVERYBODY has “parts.” 

What distinguishes people who have DID from people who don’t have DID is not that DID people have parts, and non-DID people don’t have parts. 

Rather, the real difference is that the parts of people who have DID have been cut off, isolated, alienated, from all the other parts. 

Their parts have trouble communicating with each other and with a person’s “core” self. 

Thus the have trouble cooperating. They have trouble compromising. They have trouble working together. Very often, they’re working against each other— because they don’t realize they’re all part of a whole (and why would they, since they rarely hear from or positively interact with the other “parts” in their system?). 

This may all sound convoluted to someone who doesn’t have Dissociative Identity Disorder…but I’m here to tell you that this is a process we all experience. 

EVERYBODY has to learn how to get the “parts” of themselves to constructively communicate and interact. 

EVERYBODY has to figure out how to talk to the different “parts” of themselves without issuing threats or becoming defensive. 

EVERYBODY has to figure out how to meet the needs of their various “parts,” without sacrificing their overall values and goals. 

HOW we talk to ourselves is crucial. 

How OFTEN we communicate with ourselves is crucial. 

How open, honest, and compassionate we are with ourselves is crucial. 

We need, first and foremost, to be on our own side. 

We simply will not make progress in life if we are constantly fighting a war with ourselves. 

There is a part of you that wants peace and calm— and there’s a part of you that kind of likes drama. 

There is a part of you that wants to be autonomous, and a part of you that wants to join with other people. 

There is a part of you that wants intimacy, and there’s a part of you that fears intimacy. 

The ONLY way you’re going to be able to manage your thoughts, feelings, and behavior in any kind of coherent way is if you start talking— and listening— to yourself…even the parts of you that you wish didn’t exist. 

The good news is, internal communication is a learnable skill. 

Listening to and honoring the various parts of yourself, without letting them take over and drive the entire bus, is a learnable skill. 

Dealing with ALL of the parts of yourself with compassion and patience is a learnable skill. 

We have to put the time in to learn and practice those skills…but they DO come with time. 

And it is so, so worth it to NOT live in an adversarial relationship with yourself. 

 

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Remember: even sources of genuine wisdom are not infallible. 

I WISH there was such a thing as an infallible source of wisdom. 

But there isn’t. 

I believe there is wisdom in many spiritual traditions and religions. 

But spiritual traditions and religions have historically been very wrong at times— in fact, they’ve behaved unconscionably at times. 

I believe there is wisdom in our gut instincts. 

But our guts are often susceptible to fear, posttrauamtic reactions, and misinformation— just like our brains. They may have wisdom— but they are not always right. 

I believe there is wisdom in what many self-help and personal development teachers teach. 

But there are too many examples to list of self-help figures behaving selfishly or destructively, or teaching things that have been debunked by research. 

No teacher is always right. 

No therapist always knows what you need. 

No institution is immune from making mistakes. 

The reason I’m writing about this is because we ALL need this reminder from time to time. 

It doesn’t matter how smart we are, it doesn’t matter how experienced we are, it doesn’t matter how sophisticated we are: we NEED to be reminded that, no matter how much good stuff we get from any given source, that doesn’t make them always right. 

I’m certainly not always right. 

I make a good faith effort to only say things I think or have evidence to be true— but that just speaks to my intention. It doesn’t necessarily speak to the result. 

A very important question we need to ask of ANY source of wisdom we consume is: does that source— be it a person, an organization, a group, or an institution— acknowledge that they might not always be right? 

How do they react or respond when it’s pointed out that they MIGHT be mistaken? 

Do they acknowledge that, especially when it comes to personal growth, that a one-size-fits-all approach almost never applies equally to everyone? 

As a rule, the more narcissistic an individual or organization is, the less they might have to teach you about creating a life that is meaningful and interesting…specifically, creating a life in which you can handle it when things don’t go your way. 

Narcissistic individuals and organizations don’t handle it well when things don’t go their way. 

They tend to get angry. Because defeats and setbacks aren’t “supposed” to happen to them. 

Remembering that no person or organization has a perfect track record is important when it comes to choosing which personal development products and services you’re going to invest in. 

The truth is, we have to make choices when it comes to where and how to invest our resources. 

Not every product, service, or person is worth our investment. 

We need to be smart and conservative with our resources. We need to protect them, and invest them strategically. 

All I’m saying is: stay sharp. 

You’re worth critically evaluating what you consume and invest in. 

Your progress is important enough to tolerate the inconvenience of doing your homework. 

 

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There are always going to be people who love to blame other people for creating, in whole or in part, the circumstances with which they struggle. 

We’re told that the “victim mindset” is rampant in the world today. 

We’re told that people refuse to “take responsibility” for their problems. 

We’re told that there is an attitude of “entitlement” that pervades the culture today. 

Every time I hear things like this, I truly wonder who these people are talking about. Because those statements do not describe the vast majority of people I’ve encountered who are trying to heal or improve their lives. 

In fact, it’s my observation that many people— especially those who have been abused or neglected growing up— assume way too much responsibility for the things with which they struggle. 

There is a HUGE subset of people who think it’s THEIR fault that they were abused. 

There is a HUGE subset of people who think the primary reason they struggle is because they are “weak” or they’re “losers.” 

There is a HUGE subset of people who think that the solution to their problems is to just “suck it up.” 

Don’t get me wrong. Of course there are people out there who have difficult accepting their role in their struggles. And, if you’ve ever been in a relationship of any kind with such a person, you know how maddening that can be. 

Here’s the thing, though: “refusal to take responsibility” or “victim mindset” usually does not describe those people who are actively working to solve their problems and improve their lives. 

And, in an ironic twist: it’s usually those very people who refuse to take responsibility for their problems that most often accuse OTHERS of having a “victim mindset.” 

Don’t let anyone tell you you have a “victim mindset.” 

First of all, they don’t know what goes on in your mind. 

They don’t know how you struggle. They don’t know what you’re doing to improve your situation. 

They don’t know what your obstacles have been, or are. 

They might know part of your story— but not enough to justify trying to guilt or shame you into accepting that you’re not “sucking it up”e nough. 

One of the hardest things we need to do in order to make progress is to find ways to deal with the things other people say about us— whether or not they are justified, whether or not they are accurate, whether or not they are helpful. 

Often, when other people have strong opinions about whether we’re doing “enough” do solve our own problems, they’re projecting their own insecurities onto us. 

But we end up taking it personally anyway, because some people can’t help but offer their opinions. 

When you’re out there, trying to make progress, trying to improve your life, you’re going to hear a lot of opinions and judgments— about you, about mental illness, about victimhood, about personal responsibility. 

Don’t let it freak you out. 

Remember you are on your own journey. You are responsible for the steps you need to take. 

You do not need to please anybody else in how you’re managing your recovery. 

You need to stay focused on you. 

And it’s OKAY to stay focused on you. 

Remember to breathe. Refocus as you need to. 

And above all: remember to treat yourself and talk to yourself with compassion, fairness, and respect. 

One day at a time. 

 

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Let’s talk about one of my favorite emotional management tools. Let’s talk about making lists. 

List making might sound kind of simple— too simple, maybe, to be an effective tool. 

That’s the thing. It is BECAUSE list making IS a simple tool that it works so well. 

The more straightforward a tool is, the more likely we are to actually USE it. 

The reason many more supposedly “sophisticated” emotional management tools stay in our tool boxes is because, when crunch time comes around, they’re a pain in the neck to remember and utilize. 

So why is list making so effective? 

Because we are already doing it. All the time, in fact. 

Every moment of every day, whether we’re consciously aware of it or not, our brains are always doing two things: asking questions and making lists. 

Our questions and our lists direct our focus. 

Our focus, in turn, largely determines our mood, our level of motivation, and ultimately our behavior choices. 

What kind of lists do we make in our heads? 

We make lists of reasons to like— or dislike— ourselves. 

We make lists of our perceived options in a situation. 

We make lists of what could go wrong— or right— in a situation. 

We make lists of places we’d rather be and activities we’d rather be doing. 

Chances are, as you’re reading this right now, you’re working on a list in your head. You might be listing reasons I’m right (or wrong) about this whole “list making” tool; you might be listing the times in the recent past when you’ve made a list in your head; or you might even be listing comments you plan to make on this post, after you’re done reading it. 

See? We make lists literally  all the time. 

So how are your lists working for you?

Do the lists you habitually make tend to support you in feeling motivated, focused, and happy?

Or do the lists you make in your head tend to make you feel suspicious, drained, or angry?

Understand: the lists we make in our heads are never the SOLE determinant of our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. 

But it is absolutely the case that we can fine tune our list making ability, in order to make it more likely that our lists fuel and support us, rather than exhaust and frustrate us. 

There is no reason our lists have to consist mostly of how much things suck. 

There is no reason why our lists have to emphasize what we can’t do. 

There’s definitely no reason why our lists have to enumerate reasons fo dislike ourselves. 

The kinds of lists as habitually make are heavily influenced by the people we grew up with. Children tend to make mental lists similar to those of their parents. Certain types of lists tend to run in families. 

Who taught you how to make mental lists, and what should go on those lists?

Were they worth modeling? 

We are never “stuck” with what we were taught or what we saw modeled when we were young. 

Your life does not have to run on autopilot. You do not have to function in “default” mode. 

We can choose what lists serve us in our everyday lives. 

Lists of what could go RIGHT. 

Lists of the things we appreciate or respect about people. 

Lists of what we know and do well. 

Lists of our strengths and successes. 

There are lots of lists that can empower, support, soothe, and productively focus us…if we get into the habit of consciously choosing which lists to make in our heads every day. 

But don’t take my word for it. Like every single tool or skill we discuss on this blog, the proof is in the pudding. 

That is to say: try it out. 

 

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One of the simplest, but most important and effective, tools you’ll ever use in your recovery or therapy is the check in. 

To use the check in, here’s what you need to do— are you ready? 

You check in. 

Got it? 

Okay, maybe it’s not THAT simple. But it’s close. Let me explain how this tool works. 

90% of the problem we face in everyday life, especially when we’re trying to change or improve our life, is the fact that we get stuck in patterns. 

We get up in our head. 

We get into cognitive loops and emotional spirals. 

This happens when we get a craving for a substance or a snack to alleviate anxiety. It happens when we get into a funk where we’re berating ourselves and judging ourselves harshly. It happens when the day started out lousy, and now NOTHING seems to be going right. 

Those are all patterns. 

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: therapy and recovery are all about recognizing and interrupting patterns. 

Scratching that self-destructive record in your head so it doesn’t play the same way anymore. 

So when we get into a loop, a spiral, a funk, or when we get up into our heads, how do we interrupt that pattern? 

Hell, how do we even KNOW we’ve fallen into a pattern that we NEED to interrupt? 

We check in. 

You set an alarm. A literal, actual alarm. Most cell phones, even the old ones, have alarms that can vibrate so only you can hear or feel them. 

You pick an interval— I like to go with fifteen minutes as the default— and you set the alarm to go off every fifteen minutes. And when the alarm goes in, you check in with yourself. 

What are you thinking? 

What are you noticing? 

What’s the record in your head playing? 
Does it need interrupting? 

What DO I need right now? 

Mind you, those questions might not be easy to answer. But answering them isn’t exactly the point. The POINT is to interrupt the pattern that’s happening in your head by even ASKING them. 

It sounds simple, and it is simple. But the results of checking in on a consistent basis— and thus interrupting the negative patterns that are looping in your head, even for a minute— can be powerful. 

Some people are resistant to the idea of checking in with themselves. They think, I know what I’m thinking and feeling. I don’t need to check in. 

Yes. Yes, you do. 

Do not trust yourself to stay on top of your thoughts, feelings, triggers, and needs. Set an external schedule for checking in with yourself— the more often the better at first— and stick to it. 

It is AMAZING what consistently checking in eventually accomplishes for you. 

Checking in with yourself gives you an opportunity to push the “reset” button. 

It gives you a chance to shake out of spirals that you might not have even known you were falling into. 

It’s easy, it’s free…and it gives you a fighting chance to push back agains the weasels in your brain before they get momentum going. 

Don’t take my word for it— try it out. 

The check in is the tool that makes it possible to pull OTHER tools out if and when you need them. 

 

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The advice, “go big or go home,” has always puzzled me a little bit. 

Don’t get me wrong, I understand what the saying implies. 

Sometimes we need to really throw our back into something if we’re going to succeed. 

Sometimes half measures don’t cut it. 

If you feel strongly about something, be prepared to sacrifice and work hard for it. 

All of that, I’m on board with. The “go big” part isn’t what bothers me. 

It’s the “…or go home” part that bugs me. 

It bugs me because, in its entirety, the expression implies that there is never a situation where you might want to be cautious. 

Where you might want to try a situation or a tool out, before fully committing to it. 

It seems to imply that no project is worth doing if you’re not into making it a central focus of your time and energy. That if you’re not prepared to go “all in” on something, you should just stay home. 

I mean, really? 

There are plenty of things in my life that I enjoy, that I find value in, and that enhance my life…but that I’m not into “mastering” or even “going all in” on. 

My buddy and I race go-karts. He’s a lot better at it than I am. I enjoy the hobby, but I don’t particularly enjoy the uber-compeitive aspect of some of the higher speed races— so at a certain point, I bow out. 

Could I become a superstar amateur go-kart racer if I was interested in going “all in” on the hobby? Maybe, maybe not— but that’s not the point. The point is, go-karting is never going to be something I’ll go “all in” on…so does that mean I should just “go home?” 

I don’t think so. 

The truth is, there are LOTS of things that you’re going to enjoy, that you’re going to find value in, and that will enhance your life…but which you’ll have neither the resources nor the inclination to “master” or go “all in” on. 

Does that mean you shouldn’t do those things? 

Come on. 

We’re looking to build lives here that are interesting, that are fun, that have meaning, that have variety. 

There are totally going to be things that you will want to go “all in” on, and things that you totally will be able to “master;” and there will also be things that you’ll want to dabble in, or do as a hobby, or experiment with. 

That’s how we build interesting, meaningful lives in the real world. 

In my experience, far too many people put far too much pressure on themselves when it comes to “mastering” the various experiences in their lives. 

Many people have been raised in environments where they’re told the goal of learning something is to be able to do it perfectly, or to “master” it, or to consistently do it at a high or competitive level…and that if they can’t or don’t want to do that, they shouldn’t even bother. 

What a load of nonsense. 

Do things that interest you. 

Do things that seem fun or that you think you might learn something from. 

Contrary to the rantings of some self-help teachers, “amateur,” “dabbler,” and “beginner” are not insults. 

(I strongly suggest you not follow anyone who treats these labels as if they WERE insults.) 

Some things you’ll be great at, some things you won’t; some things you’ll enjoy even though you’ll never be great at them. 

Time and energy you enjoyed expending is not “wasted.” 

Focus on building a life you like and doing stuff you like— and please, don’t buy into this silliness about “go big or go home.” 

Very few people who live under that kind of constant pressure are happy. 

 

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Our brains can be really good at replaying, over and over again, experiences from our past that were embarrassing or painful. 

Sometimes our brains put those experiences on a loop, and just repeat them, over and over and over again— seemingly for no reason. 

Does your brain ever do this? Mine does. 

(Most people’s brains do this, at least every now and then.) 

Our brains are particularly good at replaying experiences we wish we could do over. 

In my own case, my brain loves replaying experiences I had with a particular mentor. It was a relationship that served me well, academically and professionally, for a relatively long period of time— but which ended unpleasantly. 

This kind of thing happens. Sometimes we outgrow relationships. Sometimes the people we become are incompatible with the bonds we’d established once upon a time— and sometimes we don’t handle those transitions well. 

So my brain does what a lot of peoples’ brains do. It replays interactions I had with my former mentor, again and again and again— even though there is no way to change the outcome of those interactions. 

This is a minor example of what happens when people experience trauma or loss. 

Many people reading this have experience with much more dramatic, much more intrusive, and much more upsetting memories that play, over and over again, in their brains. 

What’s happening here is, we are going through a pattern of focus and experience in our nervous systems, wherein one memory or sensation is triggering the next, and the next, and the next, like dominos falling one after the other. 

You can think of this chain of memories and sensations as being similar to matches in a pack. If one match in a pack gets lit, it’s virtually impossible for the match next to it NOT to ignite, because of their proximity and their predisposition to flame. 

When we get into these memory loops, we are running a pattern. 

If we want out of the loop, we HAVE to find a way to interrupt the pattern. 

Many people have devised many ways of interrupting patterns they get into. 

Ever wonder why some people harm themselves physically? There are multiple reasons why people do this, but very often it’s because harming themselves is the only way they can think of in that moment to interrupt an awful pattern that is unfolding in their heads. 

Ever wonder why some people dive into mindless pleasure seeking behaviors, such as acting out sexually or abusing drugs? Again, there are many reasons this happens, but the common denominator is often that they are looking to interrupt a pattern that is dominating their focus and physiology. 

An important key to recovery for most people is to find ways to interrupt patterns that are unfolding in their heads…WITHOUT putting themselves at risk, WITHOUT doing things that harm their physical bodies (because it is virtually impossible to develop self-esteem and feel worthy if we’re repeatedly harming ourselves), WITHOUT creating bigger problems than we’re trying to solve. 

A big part of therapy is experimenting with pattern interrupts that actually work, and that do not create bigger problems than they solve. 

I train my patients and clients to sink into trance-like headspace, where they have a better chance to control the imagery and other sensations unfolding in their heads…so they can use various techniques of “scrambling” the patterns that are making them miserable and driving them to risky behavior. 

I call this “scratching the record.” 

A record will play the same way every time you put the needle down on it, because it has grooves. Patterns of grooves. 

But if you scratch it…it doesn’t play the same way. 

And if you scratch it enough…it won’t ever play the same way again. 

Once we realize that this is exactly what we’re doing in therapy and recovery…we’re more than halfway home. 

 

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I remember, when I was young, my dad often told me I wasn’t “grateful” enough for the things I’d been given. 

Very often, actually. Often enough that I remember being told it at various ages. 

I remember feeling confused and sad when he said this. 

I felt plenty grateful for what I had. 

I don’t think I took it for granted. I was aware that there were people who didn’t have either the opportunities or the possessions I was lucky enough to have. 

I didn’t understand what my dad meant when he said I was “ungrateful.” He never got more specific than that. 

Now that I’m grown up— sort of, anyway— I think I understand why he said that. 

I think my dad’s assertion that I was “ungrateful” came in response to me acknowledging the pain I was experiencing as a kid. 

As a kid, I was sad a lot. 

I was anxious. I was lonely. 

I had real trouble relating and connecting to other people. And I would often end up in kind of this awful loop where I’d anxiously avoid other people; and then other people would avoid me; then I’d feel lonely and inadequate; and so I’d avoid other people some more. 

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

As you might imagine, it’s hard for a kid caught in that cycle to NOT feel depressed. 

On top of that,  I wasn’t great at school. It was generally acknowledged that I was smart— but it was also well established that I was “lazy” and often failed to do homework or study for exams. 

Neither I, nor my parents, knew what ADHD was at the time. 

In any event, I think my dad looked at the fact that he had done his job: he had provided me with a stable home, with material comfort, and with quality educational opportunities. 

And in return, all I was giving him was a “bad attitude,” an unwillingness to be open and social with the family, and a refusal to “work” at school. 

Thus, he surmised I was ungrateful. 

I imagine a lot of people reading this might be able to identify. 

There are a lot of people who assume that, if we acknowledge pain in our lives, or if we are observably affected by past or present “trauma,” that we are somehow “ungrateful.” 

Let me tell you what nobody told me: you can be both wounded and grateful. 

The fact that you have things to be grateful for does not mean you’ll never struggle— or that it’s somehow wrong or distasteful to acknowledge you are struggling. 

Gratitude and pain are not mutually exclusive. 

My dad died four years ago around this time of year. What had begun as a trip home for Thanksgiving in 2015 turned into the final hours I spent with him. 

He couldn’t speak near the end. Our last conversation was him writing questions and responses on the back of an envelope as I responded to him verbally. 

I still have that envelope, with his shaky handwriting, tucked away in my top desk drawer. 

He was in a lot of pain in the last few years of his life. 

I have no idea whether he developed perspective on whether pain and gratitude can coexist. 

I hope he did. 

But for everyone reading this: do not fall into the black and white, all-or-nothing thinking trap of assuming that if you’re struggling, you’re insufficiently grateful. 

Every day I work with people who are suffering, but who are grateful. 

Grateful for their kids; for their pets; for their hobbies; for their art; for music; for their faith. 

Sometimes they even say they’re grateful for therapy. 

I believe them. 

Feel grateful for the things you have, to the extent that you have the emotional bandwidth to do so. 

Don’t let anyone tell you what gratitude “should” and “shouldn’t” mean to you. 

 

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