Use Your Damn Skills

You have power. You, right now, reading this. You have allllll kinds of power. You’re a goddamn Power Ranger. 

I know, I know. It doesn’t feel that way. At least, a lot of the time, it doesn’t. It’s true, though.

Mind you, you don’t have unlimited power. You probably don’t have all the power you’d prefer to have, I’m guessing. You might not have the kind of power that you’d prefer to have. You may not even be aware of what, exactly, it means for you to have power.

But make no mistake: you are powerful.

What is power, in the context I’m using the word here? Simply put: power is the ability to make something happen, or prevent things from happening. The ability to move, or to cease motion.

Pretty broad, I know. But think about it: when you think of the kinds of power you want, when you think of the circumstances you’d like to create for your life, when you think of the things you’d like to bring into or eject from your life, what do all of those fantasies and wishes and preferences have in common? They all involve putting you in the driver’s seat. They involve you being more powerful, somehow, than you are right now.

Or, should I say, more powerful than you FEEL right now.

See, the thing is, we get brainwashed. Our culture isn’t great at helping us become more aware of our power. Of our ability to make things happen, or keep things from happening. Our culture is full of people who would prefer that you forget you are powerful, just as you are. They know that empowered people, don’t feel the compulsive need to reach outside of themselves for fulfillment, and, well, that fucks up the agendas of politicians and advertisers and activists who would strongly prefer you feel as if you need whatever they’re selling in order to feel powerful.

Empowered people sometimes make choices that politicians and advertisers and activists don’t like– so they’d prefer you remain ignorant of your basic, inherent, irrevocable power.

The culture doesn’t want you ruminating on, exploring, accepting, your power. The culture wants you focused on your limitations.

Oh, yeah. You have limitations, too. Did I forget to mention that? Limitations are kind of important to discuss, too– because it’s only by accepting our limitations that we can effectively claim our power.

I’ll repeat that. It’s only by accepting our limitations that we can effectively claim our power.

Here’s what happens, kids. The aforementioned culture– politicians, advertisers, activists, whomever– has created a world in which you feel less than. You’re not inherently pretty enough. You’re not inherently strong enough. You’re not inherently smart enough. You need this product; this service; this license; this degree, in order to be adequate. They weave this Illusion of Inadequacy by getting you to focus on your limitations– and it works, because everybody knows we have limitations. It’s a natural, easily observed fact.

You’re limited. You’re limited because you’re not, probably, the smartest person you meet every day. You’re not the strongest person, the fittest person, the most attractive person. These are real limitations. They’re not made up. The culture didn’t invent these limitations of yours. They’re real.

What the culture has done, however, has created an environment in which you’ve been conditioned to believe that your limitations are the most important thing about you and your life. So much so that no matter how smart you are, how fit, how attractive, how strong, you’re being constantly assaulted with opportunities to get smarter (!), fitter (!), stronger (!), hotter (!). Don’t believe me? Ask the smartest, fittest, strongest person you know if they’re somehow excepted from the cultural pressure to get better via some external product. Nope.

You know what you can’t do if you’re fixated on what’s imperfect about you, your limitations? You can’t focus on your strengths. The more neural wattage you spend focused on the limitations, the less firepower there is to develop and nurture the power you do have. It’s a nifty trick the culture plays on us, really– the more powerful we are, the harder they try to talk us out of acknowledging and exercising that power.

But you know what you have the power to do, among other things? Accept your limitations, without fixating on them, like the culture wants you to do. If you matter-of-factly accept that you’re not whatever you’re not, suddenly the Illusion of Inadequacy is shattered– the culture doesn’t have that power over you any more.

Neat, huh?

And then you can start to have some fun. Because getting in touch with how powerful you really are, by making a conscious, committed, realistic decision to accept your limitations? Is, among other things, hella fun.

Choose your focus. F them for trying to make your limitations feel more important than your power.

 

Like it? Share it, but link back to this post. On Dr. Doyle’s wavelength, and wanna be part of the Team? Like Dr. Doyle’s Fan Page at Facebook.com/DrGlennDoyle. 

Do you really want to solve your problems? Like, really, really?

Some people don’t.

Oh, we all say we do. We have problems, most of which boil down to “I don’t like the way I feel.” And, as I covered in my last blog post, problems beg for solutions– ideally solutons that actually solve the problems, and which don’t create more, bigger problems.

We don’t want to be that person who acknowledges they have problems, then does nothing to fix them. I mean, what would other people think? They’d think we’re lazy, or maybe we just like to complain. Maybe they’ll think we just want attention. No, we can’t be seen by other people as one of “those” people. If we’re going to acknowledge we have problems, we have to at least make a show of trying to solve those problems. Right?

I mean, I guess.

The fact of the matter is, there are multiple reasons why some people– man people, actually– don’t take steps to solve their problems. And it’s usually not because they enjoy the “attention” they supposedly get from having problems.

Usually, they’re afraid.

After all– what happens if they make an active attempt to solve their problem, and it doesn’t work? People might think they’re terrible problem solvers. People might think they’re failures. Maybe they themselves will think they’re failures.

What happens if I make an active attempt to solve my problem, and I discover that the problem is even bigger or more deeply rooted than I thought it was? Woof. That’s a scary prospect. By not even trying to solve my problem, I spare myself that terrifying possibility, at least.

What happens if I try to solve my problem, and it becomes apparent that I don’t have the first clue how to go about solving it, because I don’t have the right information or tools to do it? That’d be embarrassing and disheartening. Best to save myself that trouble.

What happens if I try to solve my problem, and…I actually solve it? Shit, then I might be in real trouble. I might have to face other problems in my life that this problem was distracting me from. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PROBLEMS THERE ARE IN MY LIFE THAT I DON’T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT AS LONG AS I HAVE THIS PROBLEM ON MY PLATE?!

See, we don’t have to be lazy, stupid, or crazy to avoid actively trying to solve our problems. We can just be garden-variety afraid of trying. Problems, almost by definition, are intimidating. To not only acknowledge, but actively confront the problems that keep us from the life we’d prefer to be living? That takes courage, man. And, unfortunately, courage really isn’t a character trait that our culture is particularly good at cultivating. A lot of us, including me at times, are straight up cowards in the face of our problems.

It may not be our fault. We’ve frequently been taught to be and rewarded for being cowards. There are many people in the world who profit off of our cowardice. People who prefer that we not solve our problems– because people with problems are easier to control, easier to seduce, easier to sell things to, easier to bully.

The fact is, we usually have, or can develop, the psychological tools we need to solve our problems.

Learning what to do is often the easy part.

Developing the courage to solve our problems, knowing that we might fail in the attempt, have to take multiple stabs at solving them, might have to cope with feelings of embarrassment, frustration, confusion, or shame, as we do so?

That’s the real work of therapy.

 

Like it? Share it, but link back to this post. Are you on Dr. Doyle’s wavelength? Like and follow his fan page at https://www.facebook.com/DrGlennDoyle. 

Life is about problems and solutions. Don’t overcomplicate it.

Life gives us problems to solve. Sometimes our problem to be solved is, we don’t like the way we feel, and we have to figure out a way to either cope with not liking the way we feel, or figuring out a way to change it.

Sometimes the problem life gives us to solve is, we don’t like what’s happening in our relationships. Thus we need to figure out a way to live with what we don’t like in our relationships; or we need to figure out a way to change our relationships. (Often, relationship problems are a little more complicated to solve, because by definition they involve the thoughts, feelings, and actions of someone in addition to ourselves).

You get the idea. All of our activities in life can be productively framed as a series of problems, that are begging for solutions. It’s our job to generate solutions; or evaluate solutions others have generated for us; and then act upon those solutions. (Of note: even the choice to not act upon any potential solution, represents a solution: you’ve chosen, by your inactivity, to solve the problem by pretending it doesn’t exist. Good luck with that.)

The big problem in life isn’t that we have problems. The big problem in life occurs when we choose “solutions” to our problems, big and little, that either a) don’t really solve the problem, and/or b) create more and bigger problems than the original problem.

For example, sometimes, when people are faced with the problem of not liking how they’re feeling at a particular moment, they choose to try to change the way they feel by, say, shopping. Or, maybe, eating. Or, maybe, using substances. All of which, in the short term, probably will solve the problem of “I don’t like how I feel right now.”

However, it’s often the case that those “solutions” don’t actually solve the problems lurking beneath the surface of the problem “I don’t like how I feel right now.” That is, it’s pretty rare when not liking how we’re feeling is an issue of not having enough stuff; or not having had enough to eat; or not having put substances into our body recently enough. (Of course, there is a subset of times when those actually ARE the root problems behind not liking how we’re feeling; and, if that’s the case, we should absolutely solve those problems by shopping, eating, or ingesting substances.)

In addition to not really solving our manifest problems, those “solutions” often create bigger, less manageable problems, especially if we engage in them repeatedly, despite the fact that they only solve our “I don’t like how I feel” problem in the very short term. We can go broke; we can gain weight and develop diabetes; we can develop addictions. All of which are more problematic than not liking the way we’re feeling in a particular moment.

This may all seem self-evident, of course. But if you think so, ask yourself: when I’m faced with a problem, do I take care to choose solutions that 1) actually address the problem, and 2) don’t create bigger, less manageable problems in the end?

Taking just a few minutes and framing our life goals as problems that are begging for solutions– true solutions– can revolutionize the way we approach our problems. And asking some very common sense questions about the potential “solutions” available to us can help us avoid a ridiculous amount of pain and tumult down the road.

Problems are meant to be solved. It’s your job to make sure you really try to solve them, instead of taking the quick and easy path of momentary, half-assed pseudo-solutions.

 

Like it? Share it, but link back to this original post. Like Dr. Doyle? He has a new fan page up on Facebook; go like that. 

Feelings are a source of information for us when it comes to making decisions and living our lives. A source. As in, one source of information, not “the only” or “the definitive” source of information.

Today’s lesson in personal growth is, let’s not pretend that our feelings are more reliable or informative than they actually are.

Feelings evolved in human beings to help guide our behavior. They represent our nervous system’s gut-level response of “this thing that is happening or might happen is a thing that might threaten our survival,” or “this thing that is happening or might happen is a thing that might aid our survival.” Feelings like contentment or excitement mean that our nervous system has decided “Hey, this thing is awesome, how about more of this thing?!” Feelings like anxiety or apprehension mean that our nervous system has decided, “Uh, I think this thing might, you know, kill us. How about less of this thing?”

Our nervous systems use multiple sources of information to make these gut-level decisions. To a certain extent, they use our own past experiences of what has led to pain and pleasure to decide of a thing is “for us” or “against us.” But they also use things like media representations, half-remembered stories and images from movies and books, and cultural ideas of “good” and “bad” to decide whether a thing is awesome or not.

That is, our feelings don’t always know what they’re talking about. They’re kind of this amalgam of true stuff, made up stuff, half-remembered stuff, and imagined stuff.

Which makes it odd that we so often consider our feelings infallible guides to whether something will enhance our lives or damage our lives.

Don’t get me wrong– our feelings are important sources of information for us. For that matter, healthy self-esteem requires us to pay attention to our feelings and honor what they’re telling us. If you ignore your feelings, eventually you’ll end up losing self-respect, because, well, you can’t ignore someone and respect them at the same time, including yourself. For that matter, it’s not like our feelings are always, or even often, wrong. They may be, they may not be.

The point is, our feelings are just like any other source of information: imperfect. And make no mistake, our feelings are just as susceptible to manipulation based on half-truths and emotionally persuasive chicanery (underused word, that) as any other source of information.

Because you feel there is danger, doesn’t mean there is. Because you feel you can’t change, doesn’t mean you can’t. Because you feel unloveable, doesn’t mean you are. Because you feel hopeless, doesn’t mean there is no hope.

Feelings are like any other source of information: they can be used well to enhance our experience, or they can be over relied upon or under relied upon. And there are plenty of people out there who know how manipulable our feelings are, and who have no qualms about bending our feelings to suit their own purposes.

Feelings are no more or less than what they are. Use them for what they’re good for, but don’t get suckered into imagining they can’t be wrong.

 

Every day, we’re called upon to make lots and lots of decisions. Big decisions, little decisions. Important decisions, dumb decisions. When you think about it, making choices is really what consumes the vast majority of our mental energy every day (and, upon consideration, quite a bit of our physical energy as well, actually).

Today’s lesson is about choices. Because in the end, we only have control over a subset of our own choices– and it’s how we make those choices, those decisions, that will determine the ultimate quality of our lives.

A lot of people expend an awful lot of energy detailing for us how limited our choices are, limited by forces beyond our control. And they’re right. There are absolutely forces bigger than all of us at work that limit our options, in ways that vary from very practical to very profound.

For example, I’m very aware that I’m an educated,  middle aged white guy with a few bucks in my pocket. I’d never be so arrogant or blind to my own cultural privilege as to suggest that everyone as the same options or opportunities that I have, or have had, in this culture. I’m not saying the playing field is socially, culturally, or economically level. It’s not.

That said, I’m not a believer in directing anything other than the bare minimum of focus or energy toward forces I cannot control. Why? Because my resources, as a human being, are finite–I don’t have the time or energy to blow on mourning the unfairness of the world. I have a fucking life to design, here.

Making distinctions between what is and isn’t worth your effort to impact is key. People who can make those distinctions and act accordingly stand a much greater chance of shaping their world to their liking. People who can’t make or act on those distinctions stand a very good chance of feeling frustrated, angry, and helpless on a daily basis.

Check this out: a lot of the time, we like to pretend that we’re somehow not responsible for certain key decisions we make every day. A basic example of this is the decision of what we expose our attention, our conscious focus to, during the course of a day. It’s very easy for many people to say, “Look, I simply don’t have control over a lot of what I’m exposed to every day. My social media feeds make choices about what I’m exposed to; my daily news sources make choices about what I’m exposed to; advertisers make decisions about what I’m exposed to. I have to engage with the world every day, and thus I don’t have a choice about what goes into my mental ‘inbox!’”

And, sure enough: we can make the decision to let our social media feeds, news sources, and advertisers, among others, choose what goes into the our mental inbox. We’re free to make that choice.

However, we’re not free to avoid the consequence of that choice. Namely, if you let other people choose what goes into your mental inbox, you’re necessarily letting them choose the raw materials you have to work with when it comes to shaping your vision of the world. You know, deciding what is possible, deciding what is important, deciding what is worth expending your time and energy toward today.

Make no mistake: no matter what other forces are operating in your world, your time and energy are the two resources you, and only you, are totally responsible for.

It may be difficult to avoid altogether the barrage of potential influencers– social media, news sources, advertisers, whomever– coming at us every day. But that makes it even more essential that we take complete responsibility for carving out opportunities every single day to actively choose what goes into our mental inbox. To expose ourselves to influencers of our own choosing– influencers that align with our priorities, our visions, our dreams.

You can choose to let someone else direct your attention today. But know when you choose that, you’re also choosing a specific consequence– your resources, from your intelligence, to your skillset, to your physical strength, are all then placed at someone else’s disposal, not yours. You’re free to make choices, in other words– but you’re not free to avoid the consequences of your choices.

Maybe live according to your vision, not theirs.

Today’s lesson in hack, hack, hacking your way to psychological growth? Just use the tools you have handy. Even if those tools are imperfect, inelegant, not what you’d prefer to have handy– just use ’em. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel, seriously. 

In these experiences we call “life” and “growth” it’s kind of amazing how picky we can sometimes be about what we’ll consider “legitimate” tools to get us through.

Recently, for example, there’s been reams and reams and REAMS written about the tool of Mindfulness to get us through tough times. You know, where we kind of take a step back, take a deep breath, and deeply accept everything as it is, without demanding it be other-than-what-it-is. Starting with good ol’ Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Mindfulness has made its way into pretty much every corner of the personal development universe. Everybody loves Mindfulness. Slapping “Mindfulness” on the cover of a self-help book is pretty much a guaranteed way to sell a few extra copies.

And is Mindfulness a useful tool? Sure. Most everybody can agree that Mindfulness is a fundamentally healthy habit for human beings to get into. Legitimate tool.

But what if you don’t happen to have that tool in your toolbox, yet?

There are lots of reasons why you might not have the tool of Mindfulness handy. Maybe you have ADHD, and the idea of getting pseudo-meditative is kind of an amusing abstraction to your going-going-gone attention span. Maybe you’re working through an anxiety disorder, and you’re not quite yet at the skill level where you can quiet your mind to Mindfully accept Stuff As It Is. Maybe you’re working through a trauma disorder and your brain has been wired, for the time being, to be SUPER MINDFUL OF EVERY SINGLE LITTLE STIMULI IN YOUR ENVIRONMENT AHHHHH.

Mindfulness, in other words, might be a healthy, elegant tool of psychological growth– but maybe it’s just not in your toolbox at the present moment. Much like a lot of other healthy, elegant tools of growth, such as patience, reality-testing, and perspective-taking, to name a just a few. It’d be great if we always had those elegant tools of emotional management handy, but there are times when, for whatever reason, we don’t. 

Sometimes, instead, the tools we have handy come with awkward, sometimes kinda threatening, names, like “anger.” Or “jealousy.” Or “fear.”

WHAT IS THIS CRAZY TALK, DR. DOYLE? DID YOU JUST REFER TO UGLY EMOTIONS SUCH AS ANGER, JEALOUSY, OR FEAR AS “TOOLS?” 

Yes, yes I did.

EXPLAIN YOURSELF, SIR!

Here’s the skinny on emotions, guys: much like the American Psychological Association, they’re meant to be tools. The very reason we have emotions in the first place, both positive and negative, is because somewhere along the way they had survival value.

The fact that blunt, ugly-feeing, uncomfortable emotions like anger, jealousy, and fear are still with us is evidence that they serve some adaptive purpose. They don’t feel good, but in the hunt for survival? They are our friends.

Fear, for example, doesn’t have to be just this set of experiences that paralyzes you and makes you kinda queasy and jumpy. Fear is actually a tool that keeps us from, you know, stepping out into a busy street and meeting a Frogger-like fate. Organisms that do not have or use the tool of fear don’t last very long in the wild. Fear, as it turns out, is a blunt, uncomfortable tool– but a pretty goddamn important one.

Jealousy’s another feeling that gets a bad rap. Yeah, it’s not a fun emotion to experience and can poison a relationship if it becomes the main emotional fuel of said relationship. But jealousy can also be a useful reminder of what we value in a relationship, and how much we value it. Jealousy often speaks in a distorted, shrill voice inside our heads– but it often points us to emotional truths that we might otherwise ignore.

And anger? Let me tell ya something about anger. Anger evolved so that when cave-people had their territory and cave-mates threatened, they’d be able to access the energy to fight back. Yup, anger is an emotion with which many of us have a complicated relationship– but getting angry about a Situation That Should Not Be is often the first step to changing or getting out of that situation.

Look, I get it. A lot of the time, we wish the tools available to us in our emotional toolboxes were more comfortable or soothing, like Mindfulness. But I’m here to tell you, in this thing called “life,” we have no choice but to start where we are, with the tools we have. And if those tools happen to be imperfect, blunt, or uncomfortable? What we can do is learn to use them for the purposes they do serve, instead of waiting for a “better” coping skill to magically evolve while we wait it out.

Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. No one’s handing out medals for Most Elegant Coping Tool. Just use the tool that is handy, dude.