Use Your Damn Skills

One of the biggest emotional traps we can fall into is the “if it feels true, it is true” trap. 

This trap— which cognitive therapists call “emotional reasoning”— has an equally insidious sibling, the “if it doesn’t feel true, it must not be true” trap. 

Both of these traps have the potential to make us miserable and really screw up our decision making. And yet, they’re two of the easiest traps for people to fall into every single day. 

We have real problems in our culture discerning what is true. Our brains are notoriously persuadable to accept not-true things as fact, for a variety of reasons. 

For instance, research suggests that we are likely to believe things are true that are espoused by people we consider attractive or desirable. For example: if we think a celebrity is attractive or has a life we envy, we’re likely to consider their opinions to be more credible— regardless of the evidence. 

Research also suggests we are likely to believe things are true that are similar to things we already believe to be true. For example: if we think a certain “type” of person is terrible, we’re more likely to believe they did a terrible thing— regardless of the evidence. 

A great deal of both research and common sense suggests that we tend to believe things are true when we have a vested interest in believing they are true. For example: if election results are accompanied by controversy, we are far more likely to believe the electoral result that is consistent with electing the candidate that we strongly feel “should” in the election. 

Human beings simply aren’t all that great at sniffing out the truth. We’re very, very subject to influence. 

Appearances, unconscious biases, cultural biases, peer pressure, faulty or insufficient information…these are just a few of the factors that contribute to the reality that, left to our own devices, we’re notoriously unreliable truth-seekers. 

Feelings are a particularly tricky factor when it comes to our ability to ferret out the truth, because, well, sometimes things just feel SO DARN TRUE. 

There have definitely been times when many of us have felt helpless and hopeless— and have become frustrated with others’ attempts to point out to us that we were not, in fact, helpless, and there was, in fact, hope, because, well, those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness just felt SO DARN TRUE. 

There are many times when we have felt unloved or unappreciated— and have been surprised to find out that we were mistaken, that there were in fact people who loved us and appreciated us a great deal, because, well, in our own heads, those feelings of being unloved and unappreciated felt SO DARN TRUE. 

Conversely, there have been times we’ve felt confident and certain— and have been unpleasantly surprised to find that we were not as prepared for what lay ahead as we thought we were, because, well, those feelings of confidence and certainty just felt SO. DARN. TRUE. 

For many of us, it’s a rude awakening that our FEELINGS are not infallible guides to what is or isn’t true in the world outside our heads. Our feeling states may be our emotional reality— and, don’t get me wrong, our feelings should be acknowledged and respected as our emotional reality— but they may or may not bear any particular resemblance to the actual, objective world that occurs outside the boundaries of our bodies and minds. 

“Are you saying my feelings are WRONG?” some may angrily ask when I tell hem their feelings are NOT an infallible guide to the reality of the world. 

Well…yes and no. 

FEELINGS, in and of themselves, are what they are. You didn’t ask for your feelings; in many ways you’re the passive recipient or observer of your emotional life. Feelings aren’t “wrong”— you feel what you feel. 

Most of the time, for that matter, feelings, whatever relationship they may bear to the real world, have valuable information for us. We should pay attention to our feelings. Our feelings are valuable barometers of our perceptions and needs. Most of the time our feelings are valuable, functional tools. 

But is that to say our feelings should be relied upon as accurate barometers of the actual situation on the ground out there, in the “real world?” 

No. 

Sometimes they are. But sometimes they’re not. To assume that everything you’re FEELING is true is to assume everything that pops up on a map is an accurate reflection of the territory. 

To quote a truism in Neuro-Linguistic Programming: the map is NOT the territory. 

Pay attention to your feelings. Ask questions of your feelings. Ask where they come from; what they mean; what they’re trying to tell you. Honor your feelings and work the information they provide into your life plan. 

But remember: feelings are one tool. One tool that have been shown to be very manipulable by people organizations who understand how feelings work and have invested lots of money in manipulating them. 

Feelings are not facts. 

Do not confuse the two. 

 

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Check in.

Checking in with someone who is outside your head improves your ability to accomplish your goals DRASTICALLY. 

Overwhelmingly. Stupendously. Ridiculously. 

I’m not just talking about checking in regarding the accomplishment of your big goals, either. I’m talking about informing someone else of your daily schedule and to-do list; then informing them of the progress you made on that to-do list. 

I’m talking about checking in with someone regarding the little, steppingstone goals and tasks that comprise your day to day grind.

It’s THOSE goals and tasks that run the biggest risk of not getting done if we stay up inside our own heads, without any outside accountability. 

That said: a lot of people resist the need to check in with others. 

They feel like checking in with others is akin to being “babysat” or “supervised.” It feels as if they’re being patronized or infantilized. 

Some people don’t like checking in with others because they feel they “shouldn’t have to.” 

They feel those little, daily tasks and goals are small enough that they “should” be able to accomplish them on their own, without the involvement of anyone outside their own heads. 

It may be the case that we can accomplish many things on our own initiative, only accountable to ourselves. When I emphasize the importance of checking in with someone else, I’m not in any way denying the importance and desirability of independence and self-regulation. 

I’m also not suggesting that what most of us need is “accountability” in the sense of someone else approving of us or punishing us based on what we do or don’t accomplish in a day. That’s not what accountability— checking in— is all about. 

What accountability is really all about is getting out of our own heads. 

See, as long as our to-do list and daily schedule stays in our own heads, it remains very, very easy for us to alter on a whim. 

As long as our to-do list and daily schedule stays in our now heads, it remains somewhat ephemeral, unreal. 

Actually writing down a to-do list, and then sharing that to-do list with someone else makes it more real, more concrete— and overwhelmingly more likely to be acted upon in the real world. 

What are the things that most people struggle to do in the real world, with their actual time? 

That’s right: the little, daily, steppingstone goals that aren’t terribly interesting, not terribly stimulating, that don’t SEEM terribly important. 

The little goals and tasks, in other words, that are easy to put off in the first place— especially if we’ve only committed to do them in our heads. If we’ve only committed to do something in our heads, it’s exponentially easier to just put them off when we decide or realize they’re not going to be very much fun to do…and we human beings are excellent at doing the easier thing rather than the harder thing. 

Checking in doesn’t need to be complex. It doesn’t need to be overwhelming, it doesn’t need to be embarrassing, it needn’t require a huge commitment of time or attention from either party involved. 

Just make a to-do list for the day, then share that to-do list with someone.

Tell them what’s up. Say, “I’m trying out this new technique that this super smart psychologist on the Internet recommended— just bear with me here. This is my agenda for the day.” 

Then, at the end of the day, update that person on what got done and what didn’t. 

Notice: you’re not asking for any feedback, positive or negative. You’re just looking for acknowledgment from another human being that you had a plan, and you acted upon that plan. 

There are multiple cognitive and psychological reasons this technique works. The biggest concept involved is called “cognitive dissonance,” which means that we humans will work awfully hard to be consistent with who we’ve said we are and what we’ve said we’ll do. It’s why salespeople pressure customers to buy up front— they know that for customers to back out later will spike their cognitive dissonance, and that most people will go to fairly great lengths to behave consistently what what they’ve said they will or won’t do previously. 

Ever wonder why the 12-step tradition works when it does? It’s largely the result of the check-in/accountability function that is built in by those meetings. People who are familiar with AA and its associated traditions know that 12-step meetings aren’t places of judgment or scorn— they’re mostly just a place to check in with people, where you can draw your commitment to sobriety out into the real world, outside of your head. 

Getting something out of your head, and engaging a supportive other person, makes you more likely to follow through. It’s as simple as that. 

Don’t take my word for it. Try it. 

Pick someone to be your accountability buddy. 

Check in with them morning and night for a week. Just try it out. 

You’ll be surprised at how much more willing to do the little, stupid stuff in your day when you know you’re going to have to report in to someone. 

The trick is getting out of that head of yours. 

 

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“Pride” is a concept that seems to get misunderstood a lot in our culture. 

“Pride” has historically been considered a “sin”— in fone of the “Seven Deadly Sins,” in fact, along with laziness, greed, and gluttony.

We’ve been told “pride goeth before a fall.” 

And yet, there are positive connotations we have with the concept of “pride” as well. 

We tell our loved ones who accomplish difficult things that we’re “proud” of them. 

We celebrate holidays that are focused on “ethnic pride.” 

Civil rights movements have sought to restore the collective “pride” of groups who have historically suffered from institutional oppression and cultural discrimination. 

So what is “pride,” a Deadly Sin or a useful emotional tool? 

As with so many concepts that speak to how humans relate to our presence and accomplishments in the world, it can be both— depending on how we understand and relate to the concept of “pride.” 

I can’t tell you what “pride” should mean to you spiritually, i.e., if it’s a Deadly Sin that should be avoided at all costs. That’s between you and your deity and your spiritual mentors. 

It’s my understanding that the religious condemnation of pride is likely rooted in many religious traditions’ wariness about humans becoming so enamored of their own accomplishments and success that they neglect to give God proper attention, credit, and respect.  

In other words, many religious traditions heavily emphasize placing worship of their “true God” above all else, and warnings against human “pride” are more than anything about keeping God in proper perspective. The sin of “pride” is thus more about NOT giving God his due, rather than giving humans their due. 

Moreover, the “pride” that we’ve been warned “goes before a fall” seems more akin to the concept of “arrogance” or “hubris” than anything else. 

It seems that this saying— “pride goeth before a fall”— often refers to the lack of humility and attention that can happen when humans become overconfident in there abilities or accomplishments. When we get too comfortable or confident in what we can do or what we can accomplish, we can sometimes get lured into not paying as close attention as we should. 

So what is the basic problem with “pride,” then? Or what can be the basic problem with pride? 

Pride becomes a problem when it takes away from our central priorities. 

Pride becomes a problem when it blinds us. 

Pride becomes a problem when we become more enthusiastic about or interested in it than our actual goals and values. 

In the end “pride” is just a label that we humans have attached to many things— recognition of progress, celebration of history, confirmation of dignity. Part of the very problem inherent in the concept of “pride” is how many people use it to mean so many different things. 

But let’s be real: ANYTHING is a problem when it blinds us. 

Intelligence, desire, money, sexuality, success, poverty— anything that makes us less focused on our goals and values, including “pride,” can be said to “goeth before a fall.” 

You can celebrate your identity your progress, your accomplishments, and your history without becoming blinded. It takes effort, though. 

It takes the willingness to go through every day with eyes wide open— even to the challenges, even to the disappointments, even to the hurt, even to the bad stuff. 

Sometimes we want to close our eyes to the bad stuff. We WANT to be blinded. 

Self-esteem can’t be built with your eyes closed tight. 

Celebrate who you are. You don’t need a special month or day or parade for that. Be aware of and celebrate your identity, celebrate how far you’ve come, celebrate the extent to which you’ve chosen to be honest with yourself and others about who you are. 

Lights aren’t meant to be hid under bushels, and we human beings can be dazzling lights indeed. 

But remember that your feelings about yourself— your “pride” in various aspects of who you are— do not remove from you the necessity to stay humble and realistic and vigilant about what you need to do, day to day, to move toward your goals and values. 

Pride doesn’t have to goeth before a fall. 

But it’s on us to manage it.

 

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Sometimes we hear we should do “whatever it takes” to achieve our goals. 

That has always struck me as somewhat curious advice. 

I tell my patients we have two components to our internal guidance systems: our goals and our values. We get feedback from both of these components via our feelings. 

Our goals are the stuff we want. They represent the people, places, and things that send surges of the neurotransmitter dopamine through our brains, which in turn spurs us into action. 

Goals represent the stuff we want to move toward, day by day. 

Our values represent things we find important. Most often values are described in terms of concepts or ideas or principles. We can value truth, balance, achievement, justice, kindness. 

Values represent the limits by which we choose to live, so we can sleep at night. 

We need to be committed to both our goals and our values. Insufficient commitment to either is a recipe for low self-esteem and lack of fulfillment. 

When it’s said we should do “whatever it takes” in order to achieve goals, however, this neglects the “values” side of the equation. 

Attention to BOTH goals and values is essential if we’re trying to create happiness that endures and expands. 

The pursuit of goals that is not guided and bounded by values is a recipe not just for difficulty sleeping at night…it probably won’t lead to the satisfying achievement of those goals, either. 

Our culture really, really likes talking about goals. I really, really like talking about goals, too. 

Goals are fun to think about. There’s a reason why imagining the stuff we want lights up our central nervous system like a Christmas tree. We’ve been evolutionarily programmed to seek out shiny objects that enhance our happiness and survival. 

There’s not a thing in the world wrong with wanting stuff and going after it. 

Our culture is less hot about talking about values. 

Well, that’s not entirely true. Much of the discussion on social media these days does seem to be about values, at least superficially. We love to post and react to posts about who is and isn’t a good person, and whether the things people think, say, and do fall in line with values we agree with. 

The thing is, those discussions seem to revolve mainly around the limits we’d prefer placed on other people— not us. 

Relatively rarely do we see deep discussion about how values limit what WE should think, do, and say. 

We see lots and lots and lots of content posted about how we wish other people would be limited by our values…but I can’t remember the last time someone posted something about how they were personally wrestling with the limits their values place on their pursuit of goals. 

It’s almost as if many people want to have their cake and eat it, too. 

They want to be able to pursue the things they want, and not be limited by the things they value. 

All of which isn’t exactly my point here. My point here is that you should not, in fact, do “whatever it takes” to achieve your goals. 

My point is that you should do those things to achieve your goals that are consistent with your values system. 

My point is also that you should do everything you can, within that values system, to achieve your goals. 

Goals and values are important because they are the building blocks of who we are and how we impact the world. They define our very existence. “Who are you” is a question that fundamentally asks what you want and what you value. 

Successful living requires a great deal of thought about both goals and values. 

Don’t fall into the trap of believing we can sacrifice either one in the service of the other. 

 

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When I tell my patients to focus on solutions rather than problems, it’s not because I think there’s anything magical about positive thinking. In fact, quite the opposite. 

I don’t think there’s magic in “thinking” at all. I think there’s magic in doing. I’m a believer in works, not just faith. 

No, my admonition to focus on solutions rather than problems is a very practical consideration: we only have so much energy. 

We only have so much focus. 

Lord knows we only have so much time. (Time is probably the most finite, but most important, resource that we have, that most people don’t take seriously as a resource.) 

Simply put, time we spend worrying or focused on how much things such is time we’re never getting back. It’s not time that is productive, and— most importantly— it’s time that is literally taken away from the time (and the focus, and the energy) we have to spend on solutions. 

I do not think that just by imagining and hoping and wishing for solutions, they will appear. 

I do think, however, that focusing on solutions makes us far more aware of various options than we would otherwise be. 

I do think that focusing on solutions orients us in a direction that is entirely more productive than focusing on problems. 

I do think that focusing on solutions reinforces a set of beliefs about the world that is more productive than focusing on problems— notably, that problems in fact HAVE solutions, and those solutions are within our grasp. 

It’s not about magic. 

It’s not about the “law of attraction.” 

It’s a simple matter of prioritizing how we’re going to invest our resources intelligently. 

Our ability to design a life, achieve goals, live our values, and create our identities depends largely on our ability and willingness to make choices and set priorities. 

Even in our darkest, most vulnerable moments, we STILL have the opportunity— and the obligation— to make choices and set priorities, most importantly about how we’re going to nurture and use the resources we have available to us. 

When we’re down and out, we often forget that we have resources. 

When we’re broke, we tend to think that since we lack financial resources, our other resources don’t “count.” 

When we’re in pain, our resources of attention and energy are limited; and we thus have a tendency to assume that our other resources don’t “count.” 

Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s when we’re short on resources that how we prioritize and invest our remaining resources becomes of the utmost importance. 

No matter how tired you are, you still have to decide where to put your attention. 

No matter how crunched for time you are, you still have to decide how to spend the time you DO have available. 

No matter how broke you are, you still have to decide how to spend the money you DO have. 

What’s more: no matter how scarce your resources are, you’re STILL capable of making conscious, intelligent, value-driven decisions about your resources. 

I love when some people maintain that other people who are down on their luck are somehow incapable of making good decisions about their remaining resources. How incredibly patronizing is that? 

You may not be able to afford the food that would constitute a perfect diet; however, you’re quite capable of making intelligent decisions with the money and food you DO have. 

You may not be able to read entire books at a time; however, your’e quite capable of making intelligent decisions about what you DO put into your head. 

Don’t let anyone try to talk down to you by suggesting you’re incapable of making conscious, intelligent, values-driven decisions. Anyone who suggests this to you is probably trying to get you’re consent to surrender your decision-making ability to them, “for your own good.” 

For the sake of your self-esteem, I strongly suggest you deny them that consent. 

Successfully creating a life or improving the life you have is never about the “magic” of positive thinking. 

It’s about choices. 

You can make those choices…even if some people in your life have tried very hard to convince you otherwise. 

 

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You know that saying, “nothing is impossible?” 

Yeah, that’s not true. 

There are a lot of things that are, for all practical purposes, impossible. At least, impossible for you right here, right now, given the resources you have right in front of you.

I’m not trying to rain on anybody’s parade. Seriously. If you’ve followed this blog for any length of time, you know that I happen to think that most people don’t even scratch the surface of the things of which they’re capable, mostly because of beliefs they’ve developed about themselves, the world, and the future. 

That is, a lot more might be possible for us than we THINK is possible. 

But it’s silly to imagine we can, in the physical, practical universe in which we live, do literally ANYTHING we set our mind to. Just not going to happen. 

Why is it important to acknowledge this? 

Isn’t saying this just “defeatist?”  

Doesn’t acknowledging that not “EVERYTHING” is possible for us focus us on our limits, instead of our strengths and possibilities? 

I suppose you could look at it that way. 

I choose to look at it in a different way. 

I choose to believe that the FACT that not “EVERYTHING” is possible to us frees us up to focus on those things that ARE quite possible for us. 

It’s my observation that when we hear “nothing is impossible,” instead of being inspired, most of us are actually intimidated. 

We get to thinking, “Man…if nothing is impossible, the fact that I’m failing to do, have, or be ANYTHING I WANT must be MY fault. I must be a failure. I must need to work harder. Because, after all, this inspirational meme on the Internet tells me NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!” 

Our brains like romance and fantasy and adventure. That’s why we go to movies. 

But let me tell you what our self-esteem likes: realism. 

Our self-esteem knows when we’re not being wholly truthful with ourselves. 

Our self-esteem knows when we’re living in the real world, and when we’re not. 

And our self-esteem infinitely prefers we leave the fantasies about accomplishing anything we set our minds to in the movie theaters…and that in the real world, we make reality-based and earth-bound decisions about how we’re REALLY going to achieve our goals and live our values in a world in which we DO have limits. 

A lot of personal growth teachers out there say things like “nothing is impossible” because they want you to FEEL good about your life and your prospects. 

I want you to feel good, too. But I want you to feel good because you’re living al life that is worth living and achieving goals that are meaningful for you. 

If you must cling to the “nothing is impossible” fantasy, then at least do me a favor and modify it a bit: believe “nothing is impossible,” if you must, in the big picture. But acknowledge that right here, right now, within the twelve months that constitute this next calendar year, you have some limitations. 

You don’t have unlimited time. 

You don’t have unlimited financial resources. 

You don’t have an unlimited attention span. 

In the real world, you need to make choices about how you’re going to prioritize all of those finite resources. 

You do not do yourself any favors by trying to deny that you have those limits because “everything is possible.” 

Believe “nothing is impossible” if you want to…but behave as if you only have what you have in front of you to work with. 

Contrary to what many people believe, I think that limits— including the real world limit of “there most certainly ARE things that are impossible to me right now”— are our best friends. 

Limits inform us of what we have to work with. 

Limits inform us of what we’re working against. 

Limits give focus and shape to our efforts in ways that fantasies like “nothing is impossible” never, ever can. 

Learn to love the fact that there are things that are impossible. 

It frees you up to actually make real progress in the real world on the things that ARE possible. 

 

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Do what you can wrap your brain around, TODAY. 

Don’t pressure yourself to do MORE than you can wrap your brain around. 

Some people, when they start to improve their lives, recover from addiction, raise their self-esteem, or meaningfully battle their depression or anxiety, suddenly feel a great deal of pressure to do MORE. 

A little bit of cognitive-behavioral therapy helped me, they figure, so I should do MORE, so I can get even BETTER. 

A little bit of twelve-step philosophy and fellowship helped me, they figure, so I should do MORE, so I can recover quicker. 

A little bit of mindfulness helped me be more aware and grounded, they figure, so I should do MORE, so I can be even MORE grounded and aware. 

Don’t get me wrong— I’m a big fan of observing what works well, and doing what we can to get more of that effective stuff into our lives. Observing what’s working and trying to increase that is an approach that works a hell of a lot better than observing what’s NOT working and being upset about it. 

(There’s actually a whole philosophy of therapy called “Solution Focused Therapy” that is built around strengthening the positive rather than combatting the negative— it’s a powerful paradigm shift for a lot of people.)

The thing is, though, people in recovery sometimes get a little too ambitious or impatient…and, before they know it, they wind up overwhelmed. 

They don’t realize, for example, that probably one of the reasons they ended up depressed or anxious in the first place was because they had difficulty identifying and disputing destructive, distorted thoughts; thus getting into the habit of identifying and disrupting destructive, distorted thoughts— as one learns to do in cognitive behavioral therapy— is going to be a process. 

Put another way: it’s a HABIT that’s going to develop a little bit at a time…and trying to dive into the deep end right away might be setting themselves up to struggle. 

Similarly, some people in recovery don’t realize that one of the reasons they wound up getting their butt kicked by their addiction in the first place is because they struggled with self-honestly and connecting to others— the exact things that are corrected by participation in a twelve-step program. Thus, the process of learning to connect with others and be scrupulously honest with themselves every minute of the day is going to be a process. 

Again, put another way: these are HABITS that will develop a little bit at a time. Again, trying to dive into the deep end right away might be setting themselves up to be overwhelmed. 

You don’t have to do all of the things TODAY. 

Even if cognitive behavioral therapy (or any other kind of therapy) is helping you, you don’t have to learn EVERY CBT technique and apply them TODAY. 

Even if 12 step meetings and sponsorship are helping you manage your cravings today, you don’t have to read the entire Big Book and become rabidly active in your group TODAY. 

Do what you can do today. 

Push yourself a little, not a lot. 

Focus on mastering the basics of whatever tool you’re using…not becoming an expert at it. 

Identify the very basics, the very fundamentals of the techniques you’re learning, and what’s helpful about them for you…and focus on that. 

I’ve seen far, far too many people get overwhelmed and abandon their efforts at recovery…not because they weren’t dedicated to it, but the exact opposite: they got a little taste of success, and proceeded to bite off more than they could realistically chew. 

Something most people don’t understand is that life change is rarely a lightning-strike experience. It rarely happens in one brilliant flash. It’s almost never the case that a voice speaks to us from the heavens and changes us forever. 

Those stories are great in the domain of religious legends, but less useful to those of us who live in the modern world and need to figure out a way to exist day by day. 

Don’t feel pressure to do MORE. Do what you can do, TODAY. 

Actively resist the voice inside of you trying to guilt you into doing MORE. 

Actively resist the temptation to bite off more than you can chew. 

Keep it simple. Keep it direct. Keep it in the domain of what you’re capable of wrapping your brain and behavior around in this moment. Don’t think too far ahead; don’t get too wigged out by the big picture that you lose sight of the fact that your job is to manage THIS. PRESENT. MOMENT. 

Not the future. Not the past. 

This. Present. Moment. 

You can do what you can do, TODAY. No more; no less. 

And that’s quite enough…for today. 

 

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How do you know when to persist in a project, a prayer, or a goal, versus when to give it up and move on to something new? 

You won’t know. 

Not for sure, anyway. 

I WISH there was some easy way to tell when we’ve done everything we can do, and when it’s just time to let something go. As those who follow this blog know, I’m an enthusiastic proponent of letting things go when that’s the thing to do. 

It’s realizing that letting go is “the thing to do” that tends to be the tricky part. 

As much as I believe in letting things go, I’m also a believer that many people tend to give up too easily when their results aren’t as instant and gratifying as they expected or would prefer. 

Our culture, for better or worse, has kind of led us to this place where we expect instant results. We can barely handle the WiFi not functioning the way it should for a few minutes. 

The times when someone might be expected to persist in focus or prayer or effort for days, months, or even years seem very, very far away. 

Yet, persistence in the face of no immediate results is often exactly what we need in order to achieve the goals we’ve set. 

Around the Doyle Practice, one of our primary mantras is “patterns over time.” I encourage everyone who works with me, professionally or as a patient or client, to focus not on the immediate ups and downs they observe, but to focus on the patterns they’re observing over time. 

If someone is dieting, one instance of uncontrolled eating is one instance of uncontrolled eating. In itself, it’s barely a blip on the radar. 

Thirty five instances of uncontrolled eating over the course of a week is a pattern over time. That’s the target we’re interested in. 

If a couple has an argument or exchanges harsh words with each other, that’s one occurrence. It may not mean anything in itself. 

If a couple is mostly communicating via arguing or exchanging harsh words with each other, that’s a pattern over time. That’s the target we’re interested in. 

If you get freaked out and neglect to use your grounding skills one time, that sucks and is probably unpleasant, but it’s just a thing that happened. 

If every time you get freaked out and neglect to use your grounding skills, that’s a pattern over time. That’s what we need to change. That’s the target we’re interested in. 

Patterns aren’t going to shift overnight, nor should they. That’s why the whole phrase to remember is “patterns over time.” Time seems to be the one tool so many people in our age of instant gratification simply refuse to use, often because they feel like they shouldn’t “have” to. 

“Shouldn’t have to.” Says who? 

It’s not that I’m a glutton for punishment, by the way. I don’t believe in hitting one’s head against any given wall for any longer than one might have to. If you can produce a result in quick, emphatic fashion, be my guest. 

Teach me how to do it, in fact. 

But the quest for excuses to neglect the “time” part of the “patterns over time” equation usually winds up with people hurt, frustrated, and— most importantly— with their goals unfulfilled. 

Maybe you won’t know exactly when to abandon the quest to change a pattern over time. It’s true that we’re often called to abide and persist and believe in a state of results-less purgatory for what may seem like intolerable periods before we start to see shifts. 

But it’s also sometimes the case that when we don’t see results after a period, it’s a sign that we might need to reevaluate our goals and priorities. 

That judgment call is yours, and it’ll sometimes be imperfect. 

Let it be imperfect. 

Perseverance in focus, prayer, and effort; hacking away at patterns over time; judiciously choosing to switch up your goals or reevaluating your priorities; these are all tools you have available to you in building your life experience. 

None of these tools is inherently better than any others. Just like the array of tools in a physical tool box, they each have their purposes and limitations; they have things they’re good at and intended for, and things that you can’t do with each of them. 

And knowing when to use each tool takes training and experience. 

Give yourself the time to learn to be a craftsperson. 

And remember: patterns over time. 

 

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Many times, people are sold a vision of what “success” requires that includes running oneself ragged; not sleeping much; working oneself into the ground. 

We’re told that we have to “pay the price” for success, which involves “working hard” to the tune of sacrificing our basic mental health, let alone rest and comfort. 

Sometimes we’re told this by mentors or gurus who claim to have experience in guiding people to success. 

“No days off,” we’re told. “Embrace the grind.” “Go all in.” 

I’ll be the first to affirm that for every result, there is a price. These gurus aren’t wrong in their basic premise that nothing of value is free. 

However, anyone who tries to tell you that “success” in any field requires the sacrifice of those things that make life worth living might want to reevaluate their expertise. 

Put another way: anyone who tries to sell you on a vision of success that will leave you exhausted and myopically obsessed with your goals 24 hours a day, might not have figured out a path worth following. 

Sleep, for example, is not a luxury that can be sacrificed in the service of achieving goals.

Sleep is necessary for survival.

It’s a period of time in which our brains cleanse themselves from toxins (a process they physiologically can’t do when we’re awake) and consolidate and process the experiences and memories from the day (a process that is necessary to literally remain sane). 

Would you trust a mechanic who blithely advised you to not put gas and oil into your car? That’s what gurus who are telling you to “sleep less” are advising. 

Similarly, gurus who tell you to do without rest and recreation, who tell you that evenings and weekends should be spent working instead of spending quality time with families and hobbies, don’t seem to understand the essential roles connection and recreation play in creative thought and productivity. 

Cutting time for rest and play out of our lives is one of the WORST things we can do if our goal is to be successful. 

Trying to go without enough sleep is one of the WORST things we can do for our intelligence and judgment. 

Why do some personal growth gurus offer such bad advice? 

Part of it is, they know very few people are willing or able to follow their advice to the letter.

They know it’s unrealistic to ask most people to go without sleep and fun and connection in the way they’re advising— so when those people fail to reach their goals, the guru can always point to this and claim, “Well, you weren’t willing to go ‘all in’ and ‘pay the price for success’…what did you expect?” 

Another part of it is, many of these gurus have business models that depend on their clients buying more and more expensive services from them— and people who aren’t getting enough rest and don’t have a lot of diversion in their lives are easier to sell things to. 

There is a subset of personal growth teachers who are very big on dietary supplementation with vitamins and other substances.

Many of these teachers don’t have training or credentials in nutrition or biology, of course, but they often swear by their supplementation regimens and advise their clients to follow suit. 

There are often a few reasons for this. Sometimes, gurus have an economic stake in the nutritional products and vitamin supplements they’re recommending. 

Other times, they know full well that the clients who are most amenable to taking their nutritional advice are probably feeling pretty lousy physically in the first place; thus, when their recommendations don’t pan out, the guru can point to the basic discomfort the client was already in as the primary culprit. 

Personal growth is a touchy industry. By its very nature, self-help products and pages (like this one!) invite audience of seekers who are probably in some degree of pain or discomfort.

When people think they might have found a way out of their pain— such as through the teachings or recommendations by a guru— they can be more willing than most to invest money in this potential escape…and more inclined than most to blame themselves if the remedy doesn’t work out. 

I know I sound like a broken record on this blog, but I’ll say it again: check out the credentials, experience, and basic soundness of individuals who put themselves out there as “experts” in the field of personal growth. 

Many “gurus” are great at building feelings of hope within their potential client base…then using that sense of hope to push basically (or profoundly) unhealthy recommendations on them. 

The truth is, the best advice offered by the best experts do not require massive departures from what is commonly known about mental health and well-being. 

The truth is, the best advice offered by the best experts does not require you to purchase things or transform your very self to take advantage of. 

The truth is, the best advice offered by the best experts brings you back to your strengths and what you have done WELL or RIGHT in your life…not your weaknesses or your shortcomings. 

You’re smarter and stronger than you think. Don’t let any guru convince you otherwise. 

 

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“Negative thoughts” don’t make you a “negative person.” 

They make you a normal person who has normal thoughts. 

When people in therapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy, begin learning how their thoughts impact their moods and behaviors, they very often start to worry that if they have negative thoughts, let alone more negative thoughts than neutral or positive ones, that they’re doomed to being depressed and anxious indefinitely. 

Relax. Even the most well-adjusted, positive people in the world have negative thoughts at times. 

Especially when we’re going through periods of stress or when we’ve experienced trauma or losses, negative thoughts are a normal part of life. 

Recovering from depression, anxiety, post traumatic disorders, and addiction doesn’t mean we don’t have negative thoughts. It would take the removal of some pretty important parts of our brains in order to accomplish that. 

Our thinking patterns do change in recovery…but you’ll always have negative thoughts. 

The difference is that when we’re in recovery, we don’t allow ourselves to be controlled by negative thoughts. 

We don’t allow our decisions to be made exclusively by negative thoughts. 

We don’t consider negative thought to be objective barometers of where our lives are or where they’re headed. 

When we’re in recovery, we’re able to keep negative thoughts— as well as positive and neutral thoughts— in their proper perspective. That is, they’re just thoughts…no more, no less. 

We wouldn’t want to banish negative thinking from our brains even if we were able to. Some negative thinking is pretty important to our survival. 

For example, if we’re about to cross the street, and we notice a bus barreling in our direction, we might have the “negative” thought, “Hm, if I cross the street right now, there’s an excellent chance I’d wind up flattened.” 

I would recommend you pay attention to that thought, as “pessimistic” as it might be. 

Similarly, we’re going to have thoughts about what might happen if we make certain decisions, or experience certain losses, or if things go a certain way. They might be “negative,” pessimistic thoughts…but they might also illuminate to us what’s important to us, or what the stakes are to a given decision. 

The problem isn’t with negative thoughts. 

The problem is when we begin to assume that negative thoughts are somehow more true than positive or neutral thoughts. 

An even BIGGER problem is when we lose sight of the fact that all thoughts— negative, positive, and neutral— are simply thoughts. Because we’re thinking those thoughts doesn’t make those thoughts irrefutable facts. 

When we lose perspective and forget that thoughts are just thoughts, not facts, that’s when we really get into the soup. 

The people who ten to be the most psychologically and emotionally healthy aren’t those who never have negative thoughts. Rather, they tend to be people who have highly developed reality testing skills. 

They know that not everything that crosses their mind should be believed. 

They know that feelings aren’t facts. 

They know that thoughts are only their brain’s interpretations of input, and might be mistaken. 

When we spiral down into depression or abreaction, part of what’s going on is, our reality testing has been compromised. We’re suddenly buying into thoughts like “things will never get better,” “I must be defective,” or “the world is out to get me.” 

There are people who have those thoughts, but who don’t spiral into depression or abreaction— because they can keep those thoughts in their proper perspective. 

Some people are afraid that if they get into therapy, their therapist is going to tell them to just think positively all the time. That the version of psychological “health” that is offered by therapy and therapists is one of delusion, because we’ve simply trained dour patients to ignore or overlook negative thoughts. 

Nothing could be further from the truth. 

I’ll never ask my patients to try to blot out negative thoughts. 

Nor will I ever ask my patients to blindly buy into their positive thoughts. 

I will, however, always, always, always ask my patients to keep their thoughts in perspective. 

I’ll ask my patients to reality test the hell out of their thoughts. 

And, above all, I’ll train my patients to dwell on thoughts that support their goals— rather than letting their thoughts control their focus by default. 

We can’t always control our thoughts, and this isn’t a particularly big deal. 

We can, however, often influence our focus. 

 

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