Author: drglenndoyle

How do we tap our inner resources? 

Everyone’s method is going to be a little different. What works for someone might not work for you, and vice versa. 

We ALL have reserves of really cool stuff inside us. Creativity, energy, focus, love. I really believe that. 

…but sometimes all that stuff gets buried— underneath exhaustion, pain, fear, regret. 

Over time, we can forget that all that cool stuff is inside of us— because all we can see is the huge, heavy pile of debris on top of it. 

We’re kind of like the planet Earth. 

The center of our planet is an unbelievably hot, explosive, molten core…but it’s surrounded by layers and layers and layers of, literally, every other substance on the planet. 

Most of us never think about the fact that we live on top of that firefly molten core, because all we ever experience are those outer layers. 

Every now and then we get reminded that all that fire and fury exists beneath us— when a volcano or a geyser erupts, or an earthquake happens…and we remember and marvel, for a minute. 

Then we forget again. 

Inside of you, YOU have explosive, volcanic forces. We all do. The core of who we are is white holt and molten and beautiful and powerful. 

But we’ve forgotten about it. 

To reach inside us and access the volcanic core of passion that exists in our heart of hearts is to remember who we really are, and what we’re really about. 

HOW we do that depends on how our brain is wired. 

My own brain responds well to visualization ritual, and narrative. 

I’ve found that the best way for me to access my inner reserves is to construct imagery inside my head that allows me to imagine literally going inside and being close to that fiery reserve. 

In my head I’ve constructed a structure— I call it a “Memory Palace”— that has halls and doors, that allow me to organize and access my internal resources in a way that makes sense to me. 

Without that imagery, I’d be stuck kind of feeling my way in the dark, wondering how on earth I’m supposed to even understand my interior world. 

I’ve worked with people who use imagery in combination with other modalities to access their internal resources— music, sound, rhythm, or movement. 

I can’t write a step by step guide for anyone without knowing what it’s like on the inside of their head. Everyone has their own unique way of experiencing both their inner and their outer world. 

All of which is to say: pay attention. 

There have been times when you’ve felt particularly close to the “real you”— to the reservoir of certainty and flow that exists at your core. 

What helped you feel that way? What brought you there? 

For most people, figuring out the “combination lock” to their inner resources is a matter of paying attention and being patient. 

As we recover from whatever we’re struggling with— depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction, whatever— we learn to tap more and more of those inner reserves. 

The fire within us, when we learn to tap into it, truly burns hotter than anything that could threaten us fro the outside. 

Depression, anxiety, trauma, and addiction don’t stand a chance against someone who has truly tapped into who they are and what makes them tick. 

That fire within you is there, quietly glowing and smoldering. It hasn’t gone out. 

And it’s going to save you. 

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Part of getting on our own side is dealing with ourselves in good faith. 

When we struggle, our self-esteem takes a hit. 

It doesn’t seem to really matter why we struggle— if our pain is old or new, if we can clearly identify where it comes from or not. 

It could be the pain of dealing with old wounds from childhood, abuse or other trauma. 

Or, it could be the pain of having to live and try to function with chronic depression or anxiety— or something else completely. 

Whatever it is, over time, as we’re forced to live with this pain day in and day out, a lot of people get down on themselves. 

We often tend to view ourselves as “less than.” 

We’re often acutely aware that we don’t experience the world or function in it like many other people. 

We even develop elaborate fantasies about how easy and pleasurable life must be for people who DON’T struggle with what we’re carrying. 

Over time, our wounded self-esteem just becomes kind of a baseline. We barely even acknowledge our poor self-image as abnormal anymore— it’s just, you know, how we feel, day in and day out. 

It’s not like we wake up one morning and DECIDE that we suck. 

It’s more like, we wake up one morning and don’t remember a time when we DIDN’T feel bad about ourselves. 

A lot of people reading this are nodding their heads— you know what I’m talking about. 

Over time, without our knowledge or consent, our self esteem just kind of erodes. And one of the things that happens when our self-esteem erodes is, we become cynical when we’re relating to ourselves. 

We don’t talk to ourselves kindly. We adopt kind of an eye-rolling impatience with ourselves. 

When our self-esteem has taken a beating, we tend to take ourselves less seriously. We often come to perceive our own perceptions and needs as unimportant or stupid. 

Consequently, when we try to respond to our own needs, we kind of half ass it. 

We may be aware, for example, that we NEED to rest…but we don’t go out of our way to get to bed at a reasonable hour. 

We may be aware that we NEED water…but we don’t go out of our way to drink it. 

We may be aware that we function much better when we take our meds…but we don’t go out of our way to make sure taking our meds is an un-skippable part of our routine. 

All of which is to say: when we feel bad about ourselves, we don’t conduct our relationship with ourselves in good faith. 

Changing how we feel about ourselves requires us to take ourselves seriously. 

It requires us to really respond to our perceptions and needs— not just give lip service to them. 

It requires us to consider ourselves important, EVEN WHEN we don’t feel important. 

It requires us to treat ourselves with respect, EVEN IF we don’t particularly respect ourselves at that moment. 

Dealing with ourselves in good faith often requires us to step outside our comfort zone. 

After all, when we’ve spent years beating the crap out of ourselves, we’re not going to particularly feel like turning around and dealing with ourselves in good faith, with respect and compassion and deference. 

But if we want to build a healthy relationship with ourselves, we truly do NEED to try a few things that won’t come natural to us at first. 

Dealing with ourselves in good faith needs to start somewhere. 

Go through the motions of liking and respecting and caring for yourself, even if you’re not feeling it at first. 

Your relationship with yourself WILL start to thaw as you slowly warm up to you. 

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We’re not always going to be at our objective best. 

This seems obvious— so obvious that it’s not even worth mentioning. OF COURSE we’re not always going to be at our objective best. 

But, a lot of people seem to expect that, or even demand that, of themselves, all day, every day…and they can be vicious with themselves when they’re NOT at their best. 

Alternatively, some people kind of give upon being their best in ANY given situation, due to how horrible they feel— and since they can’t be at what they consider their “best,” they often just kind of give up on the situation at all. 

“Your best” is not a black and white thing. It’s not “be your best or be nothing.” 

The key is to search for being your situational best— for doing what you can with what you have in any given situation. 

The phrase “try your best” gets a bad rap. 

We’ve been told over and over again that “trying” is for losers…that, in the famous words of Yoda from “The Empire Strikes Back,” our options are “do, or do not…there is no try.” 

I have some kind of startling news for some people who love that quote…it’s kind of nonsense. 

How do you think you end up successfully “doing” something? 

That’s right— by trying. Often by trying unsuccessfully a few (or many!) times. 

“Trying” is not nothing. It doesn’t mean “doing a thing half assed.” 

The truth is, we’re often not yet equipped to do a thing. 

Maybe we’re not strong enough, or not experienced enough, or we don’t have the right kind of support to do the thing just then. 

But how do we GET stronger or GET more experienced? 

Yup— we try. 

When we try something, without necessarily knowing if we can do it or not, we’re shooting for our situational best. 

We can acknowledge that we might, in fact, fail— and that’s not, in fact, the end of the world. 

Failing at a thing is not failing as a person. No matter what your inner critic says. 

When you look at people who end up successfully doing things, what you very often find is that the people who end up “doing” are those who tried the most…and thus gained the most experience and made the most appropriate changes to their approach. 

All of this might sound obvious. But people don’t behave as if it’s obvious. 

Very often people resist trying something if they think they’re not going to be great at it. 

(In fact, there some personal growth “teachers” who stupidly advise people to not bother trying things they’ll “never be great at”…as if nobody has ever learned something or enriched their lives by engaging in an activity that they’re not masterful at.) 

As a rule, we tend to be VERY hard on ourselves for not being at our objective best. 

We tend to make excuses and give explanations for WHY we’re not at our objective best…when the truth is, NOBODY is at their objective best all of the time, even most of the time. 

Most of the things I write are pretty good. The things I write that are my objective best are few and far between…and if they are my objective best, that’s usually because I’ve put a lot of effort into writing and polishing them. 

Striving to be at your objective best all the time will burn you out…and it’s not necessary. 

Shoot for your situational best. 

Shoot for making the most of the energy, focus, and resources you have available in any given situation. 

Resist the urge to see situations as black and white, the opportunity to either “succeed” or “fail.” 

Success and failure are rarely so categorical. 

No matter what Master Yoda says. 

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The world has very well developed ideas about what “should” make us feel calm. 

Dial up a guided relaxation video on YouTube, and there’s not a whole lot of variety: mellow voice over nature slides, spacey music, instructions to “just let go, let yourself relax, listen to my voice…”

All that can help…some people feel calm. 

But not everyone. 

I like to listen to guided relaxation videos while I’m in the gym, on the exercise bike. Which, I know, might sound a little paradoxical— but I like to get into a kind of altered state when I work out. 

(In fairness, I like to get into altered states in general, but that’s a different blog.) 

And I can’t express to you how annoying it is to have somebody with a voice they think is calming, trying to tell me to “let go” and “just relax completely.” 

First of all, “let go” is a loaded term for a lot of people. 

Many people have been told to “let go” of trauma or anger or pain…LONG before they’re ready to actually let go. 

Even “letting go” of muscle tension can be more complicated than we realize, when our muscles are tense because they’re gearing up to fight or flee. 

But then there’s the dumb suggestion to “just relax completely.” 

Talk about easier said than done. Relax “completely?” Are you sure? 

I assure you: if you’ve been unable to relax, let alone “completely,” it’s not because you haven’t had a person with a soothing voice and new age music tell you to “relax completely.” 

All of which is to say: my big complaint with those kinds of routines is that they’re so generic. 

They ignore all the many, many individual differences that exist between people in what make them feel calm. 

Everybody reading this has a different version of what “calm” looks and feels like. 

If I ask you to imagine a time you felt “calm,” you’re probably imagining a specific time and place in your life— a scene that nobody else could imagine, because they’re not you. 

And I would never suggest to someone that they “relax completely.” 

Our nervous system hears “relax completely,” and it’s almost always a signal to do the exact opposite— much like “don’t think of a pink elephant.” 

Human beings don’t “relax completely”— nor should we. 

What makes you feel calm is what makes YOU feel calm. YOU have the combination to that particular lock. That’s YOUR secret garden to open or close as you please. No one can push their way in. 

And I do not recommend you try to “relax completely.” 

What I might recommend is: when I say the word “calm,” pay attention to what springs to mind. 

Where and when would you be if you were to honestly say, “I’m calm right now?” 

Not where SHOULD you be. Where WOULD you be. 

Put yourself there, in your head. See it. Hear it. Smell it. 

Feel its textures. Just be there for a sec. 

Now, if I told you to relax just 1%, what would you notice? Where would that teeny, tiny bit of relaxation occur? Your toes? Your shoulders? Your neck? 

Don’t try to relax any of them “completely”— just one percent. You can stay 99% as tense as you are right now— just give me that 1% reduction. 

There ya go. Breathe into it. Feel the breath going into the space that was created by that 1% reduction in tension. 

See, everything we just did, YOU chose. 

YOU decided where your “calm” place was. YOU decided where that tiny reduction in tension would come from. 

For us to REALLY develop the skill of relaxing and focusing, WE need to feel in control of the process. 

It’s not hard. 

But it doesn’t happen by accident. 

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“Why should I love myself, when the people who were supposed to love me, didn’t love me?” 

“Why should I take care of myself, when I wasn’t taken care of?” 

“Why should I bother trying to improve my life, when the person I most want in my life isn’t in it?” 

Many people— a lot more than you think— go though life feeling rejected. 

For some people it’s explicit and recent. They have a clear, conscious memory of someone telling them they didn’t want them. 

For others, it’s less recent and more implicit. 

There are LOT of people out there who have felt rejected and unworthy since childhood— and they’re not quite sure why. 

They might have a vague feeling that they weren’t loved or protected the way kids are supposed to be loved or protected. 

They might have a feeling that their lives haven’t lived up to what their family expected. 

(Of course, for many people, these feelings aren’t “vague” or “implicit” at all— they KNOW they weren’t loved or protected the way kids are supposed to be, or they’ve been TOLD that their lives have fallen short of what their families expect.) 

Whatever the circumstances, many of us are left with questions about our basic worth. 

We learn to value ourselves based on whether we were valued. 

We learn to protect ourselves— or whether we’re even worthy of protection— based on whether we were protected. 

Somewhere in the back of our minds, we figure that if we were worthy and valuable, then OF COURSE we would have been valued and protected, ESPECIALLY by the people we were MOST attached to. 

Unfortunately, that’s where a lot of us run into a disconnect. 

If, for whatever reason, our early lives were complicated when it came to attachment and care, it’s really, really easy for us to get it in our heads that it MUST have been OUR fault. 

After all, the adults around us were, well, adults— surely THEY knew what they were doing, right? 

When we’re young, we can’t even put this idea into words— we just know that WE feel responsible. 

We feel like we’re to blame. 

It’s especially rough when we see other kids actually getting the attention, protection, and love that we crave. We wonder what THEY’RE doing right that WE’RE not doing. 

Mind you: there are LOTS of reasons why we may not have gotten what we needed growing up. 

Those reasons can range from explicit, gratuitous child abuse and neglect at one extreme, to the misfortune of having inexperienced, distracted, or compromised caretakers on the other extreme. 

The kind of treatment we got when we were young was rarely about us. 

Even if you were the WORST kid in the world and frustrated the HELL out of your caretakers, it was on your caretakers— the adults in the situation— to not take out their frustration on you in destructive ways. 

So many people, however, come through their early experiences feeling unworthy, unseen, unredeemable. 

I won’t tell anybody they “should” do or feel anything. 

I will tell you this, though: because you didn’t get what you needed at one time in your life doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve it— and it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love, especially self love, now. 

The attitudes and behaviors of those who you were or are attached to do NOT define your worth. 

We need to assure the kid inside of us that our deprivation was not because we were ugly, stupid, or otherwise less-than. 

We didn’t get that reassurance then, and that deprivation hardened into a belief about ourselves. 

But it’s a false belief. 

No matter how true it feels. 

You were worthy then, and you are worthy now. 

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Recovery is going to ask us to try some things that we don’t like. 

And when we’ve been forced to do a lot of things we don’t like in our life, that can get complicated. 

Many of us grew up having very few choices about what happened to us. 

Maybe we were teased and bullied at school— yet, we had no choice but to go to school. 

Maybe we were bullied or abused at home— yet, we had no choice but to live at home. 

Maybe we were pressured into relationships we didn’t choose- or pressured to give up friendships or relationships we did choose. 

Maybe we were pressured to give up career options that would have been fun or interesting or fulfilling…all because they weren’t acceptable to someone who had power or control over us at the moment. 

For many people reading this control and domination has been a central, defining dynamic of their lives. 

Many people find themselves in adulthood not really even knowing who they are or what they want, because they’ve spent their entire lives being controlled and dominated by someone against their will. 

Having structure imposed on us when we didn’t ask for it or want it is damaging in multiple ways. 

Not least of the ways such involuntary control and domination is damaging to us is that it often sours us on the very IDEA of structure and guidance. 

Which can be problematic, insofar as it’s actually really hard to grow or progress WITHOUT at least some structure and guidance. 

A lot of the people reading this know exactly what I’m talking about: they push back instinctively at even the suggestion of someone else choosing things for them. 

They push back effortfully at the idea of following someone else’s plan, because it triggers in them the pain and sadness of having been involuntarily controlled and dominated earlier in their lives. 

We all know someone who will push back at ANY suggestion— even if that suggestion is obviously what needs to happen in order for progress to be made. 

We all know someone who will push back at ANY degree of structure— even if lack of structure is obviously crippling their efforts to change and improve their lives. 

For years, this described me. It still does, in a lot of ways. Maybe it describes you. 

All of this becomes important to assess in our own journey because, again, recovering from depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction, or any other emotional or behavioral struggle is GOING to ask us to do some things we like and some things we would’t choose in the moment. 

It’s going to trigger every impulse we have to push back— to prove that we’re not about to be controlled or dominated…even if it’s for our own good. 

We need to find a way to face our aversion to structure head on, such that we don’t feel steamrolled…but that we accept enough guidance to get where we need to go. 

Getting where we need to go requires a certain amount of voluntary submission. 

We need to “submit” to driving directions to arrive at a destination (not to mention the rules of the road and the requirements of operating a vehicle). 

We need to “submit” to the the limitations of the sizes and shapes of certain puzzle pieces if we’re going to solve the puzzle— it doesn’t work to try to ram round puzzle pieces into square spaces just because “no one’s going to tell us what to do.” 

Yeah, it can be triggering. It can remind us of some of the worst times and people of our lives. 

Chances are acquiescing to the structure in recovery will nudge us to “prove” that we literally don’t have to acquiesce to ANYTHING we don’t want to. 

And, by the by— that’s true. You DON’T have to acquiesce to anything you don’t want to. 

But, we don’t get to have it all, either. 

We don’t get to opt out of making certain decisions, and STILL get the benefits of those decisions. 

I don’t get to NOT train for a marathon— because NO ONE WILL TELL ME WHAT TO DO!— and then still be able to run a marathon without probably getting injured. 

Likewise, we don’t get to meaningfully recover and NEVER have to do or try ANYTHING we don’t want to in the moment. 

Recovery, like any kind of growth or change, has some terms and conditions. 

If we don’t like those terms and conditions, we’re free to opt out— but that means opting out of the potentially lifesaving benefits of recovery as well. 

But, as always: we’re free to choose. 

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I try hard to frame the content I put out there into the world as, “here’s something you might find helpful.” 

“Here’s a thing to think about.” 

“Here’s something that was a game changer for me.” 

“Here’s something that’s been helpful to a lot of people I’ve worked with.” 

I think it’s really, really important in our recovery from depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction or any other kind of emotional or behavioral struggle, that we NOT frame it in terms of whether we’re “doing it right.” 

Yet, it seems that I very frequently see people writing about these subjects, framing the discussion in terms of what most people are doing “wrong” in their recovery. 

Don’t get me wrong: I do think there are traps in recovery that are really important to avoid. 

For example, we really need to steer clear of viewing recovery as a “competition.” It can be really tempting to look at our recovery gains and setbacks in terms of whether we are “winning” or “losing” a very high stakes “game.” 

Thinking of recovery in this way can be disheartening— because we’re absolutely GOING to have days where we take a step or two back. If we think of that as “losing,” as opposed to a normal, expected part of the process, it can put a negative spin on our efforts that is discouraging— and which doesn’t need to happen. 

Likewise, there’s the trap of confusing how we’re feeling on a day, with how we’re doing in the big picture. 

We’ll have good days and we’ll have not so good days— but it’s entirely possible to be on a successful overall recovery arc, while having a day or two where we don’t feel great. Just feeling bad in the moment doesn’t mean we’re crashing and burning in our recovery— we might just be having an off day. 

So, sure. There are traps in recovery that are common, and that we need to avoid. 

That said: I really, really hate it when I see personal development writers framing things in terms of how “most people” do something or other “wrong” in recovery. 

These tend to be the same writers who frame a lot of their content in very advice-like terms, coming at the equation as if they’re the enlightened “guru” guiding naive’ seekers through the dangerous waters of recovery. 

Like, give me a break. 

I write the things I write because I think I have things that are helpful to keep in mind as we all navigate our journeys. I’ve gone to school and I’ve worked with a lot of people who have been struggling and who have overcome struggles. 

That’s where my expertise begins and ends. 

I have no right to tell you you’re “probably” making a mistake that “most people “ make in recovery— I don’t even know most of you. 

Who is any self-help writer on the internet to tell you you’re doing recovery “wrong?” 

You don’t need to be talked down to by people you don’t even know— especially when you’re reading their content looking for help. 

I’m a big believer in self-help content and culture. Self-help resources were the first and most effective tools I found in my own recovery journey. 

I believe in reading everything you can, trying things out, and thinking outside the box when it comes to designing our own recovery journeys.

Well over half of the stuff I have done and continue to do to keep my own head above water, let alone thrive, have been derived or adapted from things I’ve read in the self help sphere. There are some extraordinary resources out there. 

I just wish that those who produce self-help content didn’t automatically assume their audience was “doing it wrong.” 

I don’t think you’re “doing it wrong.” 

I think the very fact that you’ve survived so far means you’re doing something quite right. 

Your strategies and skills may not be perfect. Some of them might have outlived their usefulness. Some of them might create more problems than they solve at this point. 

But they’ve worked in an important aspect: they’ve kept you alive. 

I think your ongoing recovery needs to build on the recovery you’ve already established. 

Even if you’re at a point where a significant overhaul might be necessary, I STILL think it’s essential to acknowledge that you’re not new to this “recovery” thing— or this “survival” thing. 

You’re already a recoverer, a survivor, a thriver. 

If you’re reading my words and using my ideas, it’s ME who is lucky to be a part of YOUR life. 

So thank you. 

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We hear a lot in our culture about “taking responsibility.” 

There seem to be a LOT of people who feel that the main problem MOST people have is that they take insufficient responsibility for their lives. 

We very frequently see self-help gurus enthusiastically encourage us to TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY for EVERYTHING IN OUR LIVES!

Those who strongly believe in the Law of Attraction— the belief that we “attract” circumstances into our lives that correspond with our current “vibration”— like to assert that “there are no accidents:” that everything that is in our lives, we “asked” for, based on the vibration of the thoughts we “choose.” 

And Lord knows we don’t want to be one of those people who refuse to “take responsibility” for their lives by blaming and complaining. 

We get beaten over the head with this message daily. Inspirational quotes about how we have to “take our power back” and “go all in” reinforce the message: if your life isn’t working, it’s likely because you haven’t “taken enough responsibility” for changing the situation. 

I’ll never deny that personal responsibility is important. 

“Responsibility,” by definition, means “able to respond”— “response” “ability.” 

I’m a therapist specifically BECAUSE I think there are things we can do to change our lives. We’re not helpless or hopeless. There ARE things we can do to feel happier and behave more effectively. 

But: we have to be realistic about the limits of “responsibility.” 

There are things that happen TO us that limit our ability to respond— our ability to BE response-able. 

It is my experience that many people who struggle with anxiety or depression don’t struggle with taking personal responsibility for their lives— in fact, quite the opposite: they take responsibility for EVERYTHING that happens. 

If a thing has gone wrong anywhere in the world, they’ll find a way it was their fault. 

If a person doesn’t like them or approve of them, they’ll ABSOLUTELY consider it their fault. 

If life hasn’t worked out the way it was “supposed” to, they’ll assume it was their fault. 

It’s my experience that most people who are struggling tend to OVERestimate how “responsible” they are, or should be, for the things that happen out there in the world…which then puts them in the position of feeling guilty about things over which they have no realistic control. 

We need to be realistic about what we are and are not responsible for— otherwise we will find ourselves overwhelmed by depression, anxiety, and frustration. 

Cognitive therapists describe thought distortions that they call “personalization” and “mind reading,” in which people both assume negative events are about them and they assume other people are thinking negatively about them. 

We can’t POSSIBLY take responsibility for EVERY negative event that happens in our lives, and we can’t possibly know what other people are thinking. 

Being realistic and adult in how we take responsibility for our lives DOESN’T mean we “take responsibly” for EVERYTHING. 

Why? Because you don’t run the universe. You are not all powerful. You don’t control everything that happens to you, you don’t chose every result, there are certain variables that are out of your control. 

That’s not “blaming” or “complaining.” That’s acknowledging reality. 

There’s an extent to which the “take total responsibly” crowd seems to be fantasizing. They really, REALLY want it to be the case that you CAN “take responsibility for everything” in your life, because it absolutely TERRIFIES them that they might NOT be totally in charge of their fate. 

I’ll tell you right now: you’re NOT totally in charge of your fate. No one is. 

And that’s okay. 

We don’t need to be. 

Instead of taking “total” responsibility for what happens in our lives, I say take REALISTIC responsibility.

Be real about the fact that you might not control the temperature outside, but you can control whether you wear a scarf. 

You can’t control whether you had trauma happen to you, but you can control whether you’re working on it and using your skills day to day. 

You can’t control the economy, but you can make a personal budget. 

There’s a reason why the 12 step traditions emphasize the Serenity Prayer: because, in addition to the courage to change the things we can change, we very much need the serenity to accept what we can’t change…and the wisdom to know the difference. 

The self-help gurus haven’t figured that distinction out yet. 

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One of the reasons why we sometimes struggle to change our lives in significant ways is because we’re anxious about that life AFTER that change will look like. 

After all, even if we’ve struggled with certain problems, such as depression or anxiety or addiction, for so long, we do have at least SOME situations or relationships in our life that are comfortable. 

What if we make a big change in our life— and suddenly the few things that we actually LIKE in our life are suddenly gone? 

I used to work in a trauma treatment program that had inpatient and outpatient groups. 

Something we saw happen over and over again was, people would find themselves in our groups, and maybe for the first time realize that they weren’t alone in what they were going through. 

Trauma has a way of making you feel like you’re completely alone— that you’re the only person in the history of the world who could possibly be struggling this much with your past. 

When people would enter our program, they’d meet other people who were struggling in many of the same ways they were struggling— and they’d find themselves in an environment where, for the first time, other people understood and empathized with what they were going through. 

They’d make friends in the group— friends who actually kind of “got” what their own life experience was like, and who were suffering and struggling in many of the same ways. 

To finally connect with somebody like that, after year of feeling alone and like a freak, can be pretty profound. 

Our program became a safe place— physically and emotionally— for survivors to come and be with each other. 

It was a beautiful thing. 

Then…we’d see something else happen. 

As people worked the program, they tended to get better. Their symptoms tended to diminish; their functionality would improve. 

Eventually, they’d improve to the point where the right thing to do was to cut back their time at the program, as they returned to their work and home lives. 

And suddenly…things would get complicated. 

The transition back to everyday life would turn out to be a time where a flare up of symptoms or a decline in functionality would happen. 

There are lots of reasons for why times of transition can be triggering and difficult for survivors, but one of the reasons turned out to be: if they got better, to the point where it was time to cut down or end their time at the program, patients would actually experience that as a loss. 

It was a loss of a space that had become comfortable and safe; loss of a certain amount of structure that had been designed with trauma survivors in mind; and loss of daily contact with people who had become their friends. 

That is to say: the “reward” for getting better was to actually lose things they liked and valued. 

This is a paradox that exists in recovery: as we get better, we actually do have to leave certain things behind…even if we like those things. 

It’s particularly rough when the things we have to leave behind have been things that have been there for us during rough times. 

As we recover from addiction, we have to leave behind certain people and activities that we may like— but which aren’t healthy for us. 

As we recover from trauma and regain our autonomy and functionality, we have to leave behind some of the resources that supported us early in our recovery— because we’re beyond the point where they’re useful for our continued growth. 

These losses can feel unfair to us. Why SHOULDN’T we get to hang on to certain people, places, or situations, for as long as we want? Why does getting better mean we have to leave certain people, places, or situations, behind? 

For the same reason we can’t leave training wheels on the bicycle, or just keep reading children’s books for the rest of our lives. 

Those people, places, and situations helped us, sometimes enormously, when we needed them to help us. 

They were sources of support and comfort.

And they’ve served their purpose. 

Life doesn’t stand still, even if we want it to. Rivers flow; planets revolve; glaciers melt.

We can acknowledge and mourn our losses— even those losses that are occasioned by our progress and successes. 

And then, with gratitude and a little sadness…we can move on.  

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The reason I encourage people to focus on the environment inside their heads first, rather than the external support that may help improve their life situation, is because we simply cannot control if or when that external support arrives. 

I agree that external support and resources makes healing and recovery enormously easier. 

i agree that it’s really hard to heal WITHOUT external support and resources. 

I wish we lived in a world in which external support and resources were more available to people who need them. 

But we have to deal with the world as it is— and in this world, the arrival of external support and resources is an uncertain thing. 

As helpful as it would undeniably be, we simply can’t put our eggs in the basket of someone or something coming along to help us out by giving us something we don’t already have. 

It’s not that I have any delusional ideas about how it’s somehow “better” to attempt to pull ourselves up “by the bootstraps.” 

I just think we have to deal with the world as it is, not as it should be. 

I WISH we could count on support arriving when we needed it. 

I WISH we could count on backup. 

I WISH we could count on external support and resources being extended in a timely fashion, with no catch. 

But we can’t. 

And even if we could, a lot of people in pain would struggle to reach out and struggle to accept what was being offered, for a number of reasons. 

This doesn’t mean I don’t think we should, as a society, work on making support and resources more available to people who are struggling. Of course we should. 

But that “should” doesn’t help people who are reading this and struggling right now. 

It’s really important that our recovery be realistic. 

If we’re going to heal and recover, we need to look at life and ourselves as they are— not as we wish they were. 

I encourage people to focus on skills, tools, and strategies because that’s the side of the equation we CAN influence. 

There are dozens and dozens of variables that we CAN’T influence very much…but the degree to which we develop skills, seek out tools, and use them as part of intentional strategies is something we CAN influence. 

Recovery needs to be about restoring power and agency to us, even if that power and agency isn’t always perfect. 

People who are struggling have usually felt powerless for a long time. 

They’ve often felt blamed and shamed for things that have been outside of their influence. 

It’s my experience that, as long as we focus on something external as the main or only thing that can turn our situation around, we continue to feel powerless. 

The truth is, successful recovery involves a great deal of effort on our part…as well as support from unexpected sources, luck, and dozens of little triumphs and little setbacks every day. 

When I say “use your damn skills,” please don’t hear that as a suggestion that you HAVEN’T been using your skills. 

Please hear it as a reminder to focus in on what you can do, not what you can’t. 

Please hear it as a reminder that you are not limited to waiting for the cavalry to arrive. 

Please hear it as a reminder that you have autonomy and agency— power— right here, right now. 

Because you do. Really. 

And I believe in you. 

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