Author: drglenndoyle

The world is going to have a lot of feedback for you about how well you “should” be doing. 

How far you “should” have come.

What progress you “should” have made— and how. 

Again and again, you’ll see the emphasis placed on what you “should” be doing that you’re not— how you’re “doing it wrong.” 

The vast majority of the feedback we seem to get from the world is about how we “should” be doing better. 

There are lots of reasons for this. 

One reason is because much of the world is out to sell us products and services that will supposedly enhance our lives. 

It’s hard to sell someone a product or a service unless they think they “should” or could be doing something better. 

So, a lot of marketing starts out trying to convince us that we’re lacking. 

Mind you, this often has nothing to do with whether or not you ARE actually lacking— but rather has EVERYTHING to do with making you FEEL like you’re lacking. 

It’s about selling you something, not giving you any kind of honest feedback about how you’re doing life. 

Another reason the world’s feedback tends to be reflexively negative is because there are a LOT of people out there in the world who view success as a zero sum game. 

They think that in order for them to be successful, it necessarily means other people HAVE to be failing. 

Thus, a lot of people get in the habit of looking at someone else’s efforts, and instead of assessing and expressing how that person is doing it RIGHT, zeroing in on the things that the person could be doing better. 

For some people, life is a constant game of one-upmanship. 

It’s something people do when they struggle with their own self-esteem. They can only feel worthy if there happens to be someone around who they can favorably compare themselves to. 

All of which is to say: you’re going to get LOTS of feedback about your “performance” out in the world— and a LOT of it is going to be negative. 

This is true NO MATTER WHAT you’re doing. 

Think of the most successful, competent public figure you can imagine. Now Google that figure combined with the search term “criticism.” I GUARANTEE you’ll find lots and lots and LOTS of people happy to point out all the ways that person is doing it wrong. 

Don’t get up in your head about what the world tells you about whether you are or aren’t “doing it right.” 

“The world” is not your judge and jury. 

You focus in on moving toward your goals, on your schedule. 

YOU know what tasks are you your plate. 

YOU know what benchmarks you have to achieve. 

YOU know the areas that you struggle with. 

All that listening to the nitpicks and criticism of “the world” will do is discourage you and distort your efforts. 

Feedback from people you trust and value is one thing. Generalized feedback from the randos out there in “the world” is another. 

Keep your focus where it belongs: just taking the next teeny, tiny step in the direction of your goals. 

We can freak out and melt down all day about the criticism of others if we let ourselves (and believe me, I’ve let myself do that a LOT). 

Freaking out and melting down never got me closer to a goal. 

When you start to feel your anxiety about others’ opinions rising, push the pause button. Take a breath. Remind yourself of who you are and what you’re all about. 

Good job. 

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It’s not your fault that you grew up feeling what you felt. 

When we’re kids, we don’t have any real cognizance of why we feel what we feel. We just feel it. 

When we’re kids, we assume pretty much everything is about us— including our negative feelings. 

We don’t understand that the adults in our world essentially carve out our early environment for us. 

We don’t understand that our relative size and inexperience makes us essentially helpless when we’re being controlled and manipulated. 

So we assume, when we grow up feeling bad, guilty, inadequate…that it’s our fault. 

We assume that, if we grow up feeing unloved, it’s because we’re unlovable— rather than the adult sin our environment have issues of their own. 

We assume that if we’re getting bullied at school, it’s because we’re somehow asking for it— rather than our bullies have been reinforced for destructive social behavior. 

Once we get the idea that it’s our fault stuck in our heads, that idea deepens into a belief. 

Beliefs become easier to believe, the longer we believe them. 

The longer we believe something, the more practice we get at seeking out confirmation that our belief is true— and disregarding evidence that our belief may not be true. 

That’s why the ideas we’re “given” when we’re kids are so important. 

Sometimes you hear the idea of self-esteem mocked. Some people seem to think it’s about giving kids participation trophies and making everyone feel good all the time. 

Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Cultivating self-esteem in kids is about planting the seeds of the belief that we are capable and we are worthy. 

Seeds grow. 

Ideas become beliefs. 

Beliefs get entrenched as they are cognitively “practiced” over years and years. 

The beliefs you and I have, right here, right now, about ourselves, others, the world, the future— we believe them because we’ve practiced and reinforced them. 

Maybe they serve us, maybe they don’t. Maybe those beliefs came from reliable, realistic sources, maybe they didn’t. 

Recovering from depression, anxiety, trauma, or addiction, often requires us to reevaluate things we’ve believed about ourselves for years. 

Reevaluating things we’ve believed for years is hard. It’s awkward. Our brain doesn’t like to question things it thinks it “knows.” 

But the truth is, we believe a lot of things because those were the ideas we were handed when we were young, and were repeated and reinforced…not necessarily because they are true. 

The good news is, beliefs change. 

Even deeply held beliefs can change. They change every day. 

When a belief changes within us, our world changes. 

Our assumptions change, our feelings change, the lens through which we view the world changes. 

It might be time to step away from the beliefs you were handed once upon a time.

Yup. That’s easier said than done.

But there are certain beliefs about ourselves, the world, and the future that we just can’t carry with us into recovery. 

Your default beliefs are not your fault. You were a kid. You didn’t know. 

But it truly doesn’t have to be this way inside our heads now.

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When we’re recovering from depression, anxiety, addiction, or trauma, we lose the luxury of not thinking about certain things. 

Working a recovery plan MAKES us think about the meaning of life. 

Recovery MAKES us think about what we want and value— and what is realistic for our lives. 

In recovery, we lose the luxury of just cruising along, unaware of what makes us tick. We HAVE to get into it if we’re going to make headway in our work. 

It’s not fair. 

I, personally, wish I didn’t have to live a life that was SO damn introspective. 

(Maybe I chose the wrong career if an unexamined life was really  my goal, but whatcha gonna do.) 

Part of what makes therapy and recovery hard specifically is that it forces us to do a lot of deep thinking, deep feeling, and deep soul searching. 

Successful recovery requires a LOT of introspection and a LOT of honesty. 

It’s a tall intellectual and emotional order. 

Really looking at our life, our motives, and our needs, is exhausting. 

Being scrupulously honest with ourselves and others every minute of every day, is exhausting. 

One of the reasons why some people relapse or give up on their recovery programs is BECAUSE it’s so exhausting. 

Most humans develop psychological defenses to keep a little bit of distance between them and the unpleasant truths of being a human. 

Defenses like denial or repression are kind of an emotional buffer to make the sharp edges of life a little easier to deal with. 

In recovery, we’re asked to give up those defenses— which means we feel life’s sharp edges a lot more painfully and a lot more often. 

It sucks. 

In order to work a recovery program, we have to decide that it’s worth it to confront everything we’re going to be asked to confront. 

We have to be realistic about the fact that some of this is going to be really hard. 

We have to understand that realistic recovery means there’s no back door, no half-assed, easy way out. 

To succeed in therapy or recovery, we’re really going to have to look at the hard stuff, we’re really going to have to accept that things are exactly as bad as they are, and we’re probably going to have to sacrifice some comforting illusions. 

We might think we’re not ready for that. 

But, often, it doesn’t matter whether we feel “ready” or not— we have a choice in front of us that has to be made, right here, right now: do I want to get better? 

The good news is: many of us are far more capable of doing hard stuff than we think. 

Many of us think we can’t handle pressure or pain— when the truth is, we’ve been handling pressure and pain for decades. 

It just hasn’t been pressure or pain that has served any productive purpose, or that we chose. 

Yes, therapy and recovery are often hard. But this time, pain has a purpose. 

The pain of recovery makes sense. It has a goal. 

And in recovery, you’re not alone in your pain. 

You’re choosing to take on something that other enormously brave people also take on, every day. 

But it’s true: when we choose recovery, we’re choosing the hard road. We’re giving up the luxury of not thinking, not feeling, not caring. 

And it’s worth it. 

Those “luxuries” are dead ends. 

As it turns out: the questions we confront in recovery are the questions that create a meaningful life. 

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Who we once were, still lives inside us. 

The person we used to be lives on in our memory— in our head and in our heart. 

The child we once were. The teenager we once were. The younger adult we once were. 

We relate to that past self— and often, it’s a rough relationship. 

Many people tend to be not so cool to the person they once were. 

We look back and see the things we didn’t know. We look back and see the things we didn’t do— or the things we did do ,and we regret. 

We look back on our past selves and say, “Boy, I’m glad i’m not THAT person anymore.” 

When we look back again and again at the person we were with disparagement, chagrin, and regret, we can come over time to hate our past self. 

We look back at the kid we once were, and we’re appalled— and kind of frightened— by how weak that kid was. 

We look back at the decisions our teenage self made, and we’re disgusted or saddened. 

The thing is, the past self isn’t just a memory. That past self lives in us. 

When we hate on our past self, we hate on ourself. 

When we blame our past self, we burden ourselves with something we’ll never be able to change. 

When we hold our past self responsible for things we couldn’t possibly have known or done at the time, we set ourselves up for feeling guilty and inadequate— without any way to change that, because we can’t go back and change the past. 

It’s not fair. 

Our past self did their best with what they had, just like right now we do our best with what we have. 

We didn’t know what we didn’t know. We couldn’t do what we couldn’t do. 

Our past self didn’t have the perspective or the experience that we have now. 

Our child self couldn’t make decisions or take action that we can, now, as adults— and it’s unfair for us to be mean to our child self in our head because of it. 

Hating our past self doesn’t solve anything. 

It doesn’t make the past easier to carry. 

It just makes the inside of our head a less safe for us to be. 

We can forgive our past self for not knowing or doing better. 

We can have a relationship with our past self that isn’t full of aggression and blame. 

We can relate to our past self with compassion for what we were carrying then. 

Relating to ourselves with compassion can be tricky. It doesn’t feel natural, especially if we grew up with people yelling at us, shaming us, and blaming us. 

It’s on us to stop that pattern. 

Yes, we’re not that age anymore and we might not be in that place or in those relationships anymore. 

But that doesn’t matter if we’re continuing the cycle of shame and blame in our own head and heart. 

Notice how you relate to your past self. 

The kid you once were deserves love. 

They deserve the benefit of the doubt. 

And the deserve an adult to be on their side. 

You can be that adult. 

We can be who we needed once upon a time. 

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When we’re in pain, we want to get out of pain. 

We don’t want to ask a lot of questions, we don’t want to split hairs, we don’t want to appreciate nuance— we’re hurting, and we want to not hurt. 

And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to get out of pain. 

Of course there’s nothing wrong with wanting to get out of pain. Almost every living organism has that instinct. 

In our culture, though, we’re kind of embarrassed about it. 

We’re supposed to be “tough.” We’re supposed to be able to tolerate pain and push through it to achieve our goals and live our dreams, right?

Wanting to get out of pain is seen by some as “weak.” 

It seems there are entire industries built around shaming us for wanting to get out of pain. 

Our pain is often questioned. “Is it really that bad?” 

Our pain is sometimes doubted or disregarded. “Oh, you’re fine.” 

Some people seem to believe that when others express that they are in pain, they are “attention seeking” or somehow looking to shirk their responsibilities. 

“Are you REALLY so sick you can’t come in?” 

“Is this REALLY that big a deal that you’re THIS impacted by it?” 

Don’t get me wrong: there are situations where pushing through discomfort or pain is the thing to do. There are goals that can’t be reached without enduring a certain amount of pain. 

But because we choose, for whatever reason, to push through the pain, doesn’t mean the pain doesn’t exist, or that it doesn’t effect us. 

When we experience pain over the long term, and that pain seems inescapable and pervasive, we can develop a real sense of hopelessness. 

That hopelessness can be multiplied if the people in our lives who should, by rights, care that we’re in pain, don’t want to hear about it. 

In my experience, people rarely express that they’re in pain to cause “drama.” 

I think when most people are expressing that they are in discomfort or pain, they’re seeking support. Care. And, yes, attention— because it’s really hard to get your needs met if you’re hell bent on never calling attention to them. 

If we come to believe our pain doesn’t matter, it’s a short leap to the conclusion that WE don’t matter. 

That’s why we have to acknowledge our own pain. 

Even if we don’t like it, even if we disapprove of it, even if we have a voice in our heads telling us that we don’t have the “right” to express our pain or ask for support. 

Others may deny and disown our pain and our needs— but it’s really important that we don’t do that. 

Others may have abandoned us when we needed them— but it’s really important that we don’t abandon ourselves. 

Some of the people reading this know how frustrating it can be to keep trying and trying and TRYING to find mental health professionals who can help them, especially in light of how expensive and inconvenient many options for mental and behavioral health care are. 

I’ve had people tell me I’m their tenth (or twentieth!) therapist. 

Their previous options didn’t pan out, for various reasons— but they kept looking. 

That takes tremendous endurance— and it requires us to believe that our pain matters, and it’s worth it to keep trying to alleviate our pain. 

Our pain matters because we matter. Our quality of life, matters. 

Maybe you don’t believe that right now. It’s hard to keep believing it, when you’ve been beaten over the head with the opposite message for years. 

But it’s true. Both your pain, and your quality of life, matter. 

That’s what I think, anyway. 

Repeat as necessary. 

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To read about anxiety, you’d think that your life screeches to a halt until you can somehow contain or banish it. 

But anybody who’s had anxiety knows that’s not the truth. 

We know we’re expected to function WITH the anxiety, DESPITE the anxiety. 

The world doesn’t screech to a stop because we’re anxious. 

We’re still expected to get up, go to work, go to school, be parents, partners, people out in the world. 

Some people may express sympathy or empathy for our anxiety…but the world STILL doesn’t screech to a halt until we can deal with it. 

So we’re often dealing with our anxiety on the fly. 

Most people have to deal with our anxiety while doing other things. 

And we find ways to do it. Even when our anxiety feels like a hurricane inside our chest, we find ways to function— sometimes very sell, deceptively well— out in the world. 

This happens ALL the time. And not just with anxiety, either. 

People who are depressed, people who struggle with trauma, people who are addicted— we all very often find ways to be out and about and functional, more or less. 

Sometimes we’re so functional that other people underappreciate how much we’re struggling. 

How can you be so anxious, they’ll ask, if you’re able to function like this? 

Your anxiety must not be THAT bad, they figure. 

It must be just a matter of, you know, sucking it up and going about your day…right?

Some people have NO IDEA the kind of energy it takes to function at the same time we’re staving off anxiety. 

There’s a reason why there is a significant overlap between anxiety and chronic fatigue symptoms: because coping with anxiety is exhausting. 

And there is no pause button— either on our anxiety or on the world around us that expects us to go on functioning as if there’s nothing wrong. 

If you struggle with anxiety, you need to know you’re not alone. 

You also need to know that what is being asked of you— to be out in the world every day despite what you’re struggling with— is an objectively exhausting, intimidating task. 

You’re not weak or crazy. 

You’re being asked to do something that 100% of humans would find difficult to do. 

Learning to contain and work through our anxiety is a long term project. Nobody expects you to master it overnight. 

The skills and strategies you’ll learn to manage and reduce your anxiety WILL become second nature over time…but remembering them when it’s crunch time is going to be difficult, because anxiety by definition is a consuming, immersive thing. 

You WILL learn to talk yourself through anxiety and panic attacks. 

You WILL get to the roots of what fuels your anxiety every day. 

Anxiety IS something that we can understand and successfully push back against— but it takes time, patience, consistency, and self-compassion. 

For many people, that last one is the stumbling block. 

You’re not “broken’ if you’re anxious. Lots of people are anxious for lots of reasons. 

Even if you’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as you remember, there is hope for dialing it down. 

For now, just remember to cut yourself some slack. You have a lot on your plate, and nobody’s expecting you to manage it perfectly. 

I’m not, anyway. 

Breathe. 

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Why bother? 

Why bother developing coping skills? 

Why bother using them? 

If you’ve ever asked the questions— you’re not alone. 

When we’ve been beaten down, again and again and again, it’s normal to ask the question: why bother? 

Feeling despair doesn’t mean you’re a loser or being negative. It means you’re probably exhausted and sad. 

I don’t think people SHOULD learn and use coping skills “just because.” 

I’ve worked with a LOT of people who think their lives have to resolve around recovery simply because, well, it’s what you do when you’ve had certain life experiences, right? 

You go to therapy because you’re “supposed” to. Maybe you go into the hospital once or twice a year because that’s just “how it works.” 

(I even know therapists who expect their people to be hospitalized once or twice a year, mostly because, you know “that’s just how it works” for some people.) 

Nobody wants their lives to revolve around coping or just getting by. I don’t want your life to revolve around coping or just getting by. 

I want you to cope and get by so you can get back to what matters. 

Depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction— they all drag us away from what matters. From what we really want. 

We didn’t ask to be dragged away. For most of us, the circumstances that led to our pain were set into motion even before our birth. 

For many of us, part of what we struggle with is encoded in our genetics; other parts of our pain were embedded in our early environments; still other parts of our burden are but into our present environments and relationships. 

All of it drags us away from what we actually want. 

Actually, it’s more than that: depression, anxiety, addiction, trauma…they all drag us away from who we really are. 

What’s more, they often actually convince us we are someone we are not. 

Depression, anxiety, addiction, trauma, often try to convince us that they ARE our personalities. They pervade our experience such that it becomes difficult to imagine life WITHOUT them…and as a result, we actually feel conflicted about getting rid of them.

That’s a hell of a trick. 

You are not your struggles. You are not your painful feelings. You are not your impulses. 

There is a “you” separate from all of that. 

You are IMPACTED by all of those things…but the net effect of them is to pull you away from who you really are and what you’re really all about. 

There is zero question that managing our symptoms, our pain, our daily struggles, is time and energy consuming. 

It can very much FEEL like those struggles have essentially BECOME our life. 

But they’re not. 

Learning to manage those struggles is the pathway BACK to your life…or maybe TO your life for the first time. 

I want you to feel good. 

I want you to feel alive. 

I want you to feel interested. 

I want you to feel rested and energized. 

THAT’S why I think it’s worth bothering with coping tools and skills and strategies. 

THAT’S why I think this whole project matters. 

Not because overcoming your emotional and behavioral challenges will GIVE your life meaning…but because it will give you more and more opportunity to rediscover and create meaning that YOU choose for your life. 

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It always strikes me when I see someone try to reassure someone else of their worth by listing their positive qualities. 

I think we get it in our heads that if we feel worthless, it’s because our positive qualities have been overlooked or obscured. 

The problem I have with this is, it still buys into the idea that we ONLY have worth if we’re ABLE to list positive qualities. 

I just don’t believe that our worth derives from a checklist of positive qualities. 

Yes, it’s really nice to have our positive qualities acknowledged. 

Yes, it’s absolutely true that our positive qualities are often overlooked or minimized. 

But it’s not our positive qualities that GIVE us worth. 

A person who has 40 positive qualities doesn’t have more worth than someone who only has 39— and by the way, who is assessing and judging these “positive qualities,” anyway? 

What might be considered a positive quality to one person may not necessarily be a positive quality to another person…so does that mean someone’s worth actually fluctuates, based on who is tallying up the positive qualities? 

When we’re talking about an issue as fundamental as worth, I just don’t believe it’s in the eye of the beholder. 

I think human beings have inherent worth, that can’t be diminished when our subjective checklist of positive qualities diminishes for whatever reason. 

Over the course of our lives, we’re going to lose and gain certain capacities. 

Most of us are more capable as adults than we were as children, simply because we tend to be bigger, stronger, and our brains are more developed. 

Does that mean we’re more worthy as adults than we are as children? I don’t think so. 

Most people experience some form of diminished capabilities as we grow older. Often in adulthood we’re less physically fit than when we were teenagers. Often in older adulthood some of our senses, such as our eyesight, aren’t as acute as when we were younger adults. 

Does that mean we actually lose worth as we grow older? I don’t think so. 

At some points in our life we’re less capable because we’re struggling with something— depression or anxiety or a physical injury or illness. 

Does that make us less worthy when we’re suffering? 

No. We are not less worthy when we are suffering. 

In order to build realistic self-esteem, we need to START from the premise that we are worthy. 

No conditions. No exceptions. 

We are worthy of life, we are worthy of love, we are worthy of happiness. 

What MAKES us worthy, though? 

It doesn’t matter. 

Really. It doesn’t. 

We have to get out of this mindset that we are ONLY “worthy” of something if we have “earned” it. 

How does one “earn” the right to breathe? If we’re alive, we’re going to breathe. 

How does one “earn” the right to love? If we’re alive, we’re going to love. 

How does one “earn” the right to be loved? If we’re alive, we’re going to be loved…or, at the very least, we cannot STOP someone from loving us because we’re “not worthy” of it. 

(We might be able to stop them from expressing that love, but we don’t get a say in who somebody else loves or doesn’t love simply because of how we feel about ourselves.) 

Don’t get up in your head about whether you are “worthy.” 

Turning “worthiness” into a game of checking items off a list will lead you on a pointless quest to “prove” you are “worthy”…when the truth is, even if you “proved” you were “worthy” by some standard, there will always be other standards by which you’re “unworthy.” 

Just accept the premise that you are worthy. 

Give yourself the benefit of that doubt. 

And treat yourself like you are, in fact, worthy— of life, of self-respect, of self-love. 

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I think we hear the term “self discipline,” and immediately we think “punishment.” 

After all, “discipline” MEANS punishment, doesn’t it? To “discipline” a child is to punish a child, right? 

Not so much. 

“Discipline” actually means “to follow.” It’s based on the word “disciple,” or follower. 

If we’re disciplined in our diet, it means we’re following certain nutritional guidelines. 

If we’re disciplined in our time management, it means we’re following a schedule. 

If we’re disciplined in our speech, it means we’re following certain standards of what to say or not say. 

The concept of “discipline” get wrapped up in “punishment” for one reason: many people can’t think of ways to get other people to follow their instructions EXCEPT to threaten them with punishment.

Many of us are VERY disciplined in LOTS of ways…but we don’t recognize it, because we only associate “discipline” with “punishment.” 

I guarantee there are ways you are self-disciplined…and you didn’t have to be punished in order to acquire that self-discipline. 

The ways you are self-discipline may not be acknowledged or appreciated by the people around you…but that doesn’t mean you have no self-discipline. 

Often times, the people around us want to frame us NOT doing what THEY want us to do as evidence that we lack discipline or character…when the truth is, we just lack the inclination to do what THEY want us to do. 

I’ve seen kids who are absolute champions when they’re doing stuff they LOVE to do, get called “undisciplined” because they don’t get their homework done. 

I’ve seen adults who are EXPERTS on things they’re interested in, get called “undisciplined” because they’re underperforming at their work. 

There are LOTS of reasons why we might struggle with school or work…and I dare say “lack of discipline” isn’t even in the top ten. 

MOST people WANT to do well in their work. MOST kids WANT to do well at school. 

We HAVE self discipline. We HAVE motivation. I’ve worked with hundreds of people of many ages, and I’ve NEVER met someone who was WITHOUT discipline or motivation. 

I HAVE, however, met plenty of people who were trying to access their discipline or motivation in ways that almost guaranteed they wouldn’t be able to. 

It can be really discouraging when our brains don’t quite work like the people around us. 

When the ways we are motivated or the ways in which we have self-discipline don’t match up with what others in our lives think they “should” look like, we can end up feeling deficient, like unmotivated, undisciplined losers. 

I promise you: there is a code to accessing the self-discipline and motivation you already possess. It’s like a companion lock inside your head and heart. 

It may not be the same combination that works for the people around you…but it exists. 

You DON’T need a whole new brain to succeed at work or school. 

You DON’T need a personality transplant. 

You DON’T need to be more punished or held to a higher standards. 

What you DO need, at least for starters, is to get curious about what actually moves and motivates you, what keeps you on task…and, ideally, to have people around you who are also curious about this. 

It’s frustrating when others try to cram us into their box…and we don’t quite fit. 

We WANT to fit. But sometimes we just don’t. 

Don’t give up. 

Remember that it’s not YOU who is deficient. 

You just haven’t consciously figured out the combination to YOUR lock yet. 

You will. 

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Addiction and recovery can be a helpful way to think about a lot of destructive patterns in our lives. 

It doesn’t necessarily have to involve a substance or a behavior that is widely known to be addictive, like gambling or compulsive sex. 

There are simply some times when our desire, our seeming NEED, to feel a specific thing, overpowers our judgment. 

We may be aware that doing something will probably have negative consequences on our lives; but we just can’t seem to stop ourselves from doing the thing, because we so, so badly want to feel a certain way. 

That’s exactly how addicts feel about their substance or behavior of choice. 

In traditional addiction, the equation can be relatively straightforward. When I ingest a particular substance, it makes me feel a certain way— and that feeling is so incredible, so removed from my everyday experience, that I simply cannot imagine saying “no” to the opportunity to take that substance. 

Many of us have behavior patterns that might be a little more complex…but still fit that pattern. 

Some people find themselves getting involved in certain kinds of relationships with certain kinds of people, again and again. 

They may KNOW that this pattern is destructive. They may have experienced the consequences of that pattern in the past. 

But, when confronted with the prospect of NOT feeling the way they feel in the early stages of that pattern— the “high”— they simply cannot fathom giving it up. 

It’s like really liking a roller coaster. 

If we go on a roller coaster again and again and again, we are going to get sick and probably injured. 

Your stomach and neck aren’t going to tolerate you riding the roller coaster again and again and again. Your friends who came with you to the amusement park will probably get annoyed that you keep getting back on the roller coaster again and again and again— they want to go ride some of the other rides. 

But, you really, really like the roller coaster, at least that first part of the ride, where it goes up and up and up,…and then the intense adrenaline rush and dump when it plunges down, and goes up again, and the loop de loops…you love it. 

Even as you feel the letdown when the ride ends and you have to go back to the end of the line to wait your turn again, you do it anyway, because you just cannot imagine NOT singing up for that amazing first part of the ride again. 

Yeah, it might sound silly to think of having a “roller coaster addiction.” But the pattern you’re repeating checks almost every box when we think of addictive behavior. 

It’s compulsive. It’s self-perpetuating. Over time, it’s painful. 

And you do it even though you “KNOW” all these things. 

A lot of our behaviors, especially our relationship behaviors, are like that. 

Sometimes the only rational way to think about those patterns IS in terms of addiction and recovery. 

Every day, recovering addicts have to figure out how to live life while saying “no” to experiences that are so pleasurable they’re almost willing to trade their lives for them.

Every day, recovering addicts have to deal with the frustration of NOT having those experiences. 

Every day, recovering addicts have to figure out how to create lives worth living WITHOUT the most pleasurable experiences they’ve ever known, being a part of their lives. 

And they do. 

Which means there’s hope for EVERYONE who has an “addictive” pattern in their lives. 

Even you. 

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